so i have read lots of these threads and some of them sound so much like me that i start feeling like i have an answer for myself but im still just confused and maybe scared. i had some sexual experimentation with a couple of my guy friends, one at a really young and innocent age of about 5-6 where at the time i had no idea what it was all about with my friend who was the same age. another few times with another close friend during the break out that is puberty until about 14. we used to play it off as we just wanted to know what it would feel like to get a blowjob from a girl but we did this regularly as we experimented. then through my curiousity i was walking past a nude beach when i was forcably raped by a much older man. throughout childhood i was also quite the ladies man. i always had a girlfriend and feel in young love a lot with some beautiful girls but after the rape i kind of shut down. its something i kept secret and i started to have real trouble talking to women and getting a date. this probably down to the fact i have just wanted a girlfriend so badly to try and prove to myself that i can still love a women. i think women are the most beautiful creatures on the planet, my mind melts when i see ones i think are truely breath taking. i have had a few short 2month relationships or one night stands with women but always seem to be with women that i dont completely find attractive and i find myself trying to congure up feelings for them but my heart sinks when nothing comes of it. but ive also lost some girlfriends i truely felt for and it broke my heart. on the other side of things i have always had a fascination with gay sex. when i was with my friend during puberty he had a very nice package and i got extremely turned on pleasing him. i have always watched gay porn and since the rape i have actively hunted out the public areas where gay men would be sexual, nude beaches and restrooms etc and now later in life gay spas or sex clubs. i constantly think about sexually pleasing men but its very rare for me to look at a man and think 'wow what a stud!' but i constantly do that with women. when im with men its more about pleasuing them and the feeling of being wanted and admired, who doesnt like to be told theyre sexy etc. im really aroused by male sexuality and gay sex but i also get very aroused with women, thinking back my main sexual experience is with men but also a decent amount of experience with women. even though im scared of coming out and publicly being gay i feel nervous when sleeping with women like i have something to prove, i love the experience of being with women and can kiss every part of their beautiful bodies. but with men there is this rush, my heart races a million miles an hour, i feel like im doing something bad but also feel so relaxed and comfortable. basically i can picture getting married and kids n the lot but i also picture living the gay lifestyle and even though more socially scary for me the gay life feels more comfortable and less pressure. but as a child of a nasty divorce am i just scared of a straight married life or am i scared of coming out and being openly gay? and why do i find women so physically perfect and men not but am so turned on by men? i feel in some ways being bisexual is worse than gay for a lot harder to explain to friends and family but i am too confused with the thoughts jumping back and forth in my mind. i feel i should be honest to who i am as i dont want to hurt my wife at age 50 when i say im gay and then missed out on fully enjoying a gay life. im to confused to fully commit to a decision and the last reason left is why do i want a sexually gay life but am so attracted to women and not men? p.s sorry for the long explination but i feel i need to get the full story out in order for my question to be fully understood.
Well seeing as you are aroused by both men and women, and seem to be interested in both you are in my opinion, bi. You've been through some traumatic experiences and I am very sorry for that, but it will take some time to accept and move on from and that's probably why you're having trouble talking to women again. Perhaps talking to a therapist would help?