My whole life I thought I was straight, I did used to be really homophobic when I was younger and I would worry about being gay but never felt like I actually was. I always had crushes on girls and would base my entire life on when I would get to meet new girls and try and fall in love e.c.t. I also would only fantasize about women until I was about 15 and it worked really good, however I would go on porn at a very young age (11) which may explain why I've moved onto weirder stuff. It all started when I was looking at female porn when I was 15, and in the corner of my eye I saw gay porn. It turned me on which left me feeling very ashamed of myself. Now today I fantasize equally about men and women, and I feel like fantasizing about men turns me on more but I still feel the need to fantasize about women whether to prove my sexuality to myself or for some other unknown reason. I never really felt different, and I do think that I am attracted to females but I always have my doubts. In real life I check out women and feel attraction to many, and I have fallen hard for some girls. I also have had sex, and it was good but I didn't feel overly turned on. I have never been attracted to another man when I've been out and about and never fantasized about a man I actually know. I do however fantasize about many women I know. When I watch gay porn I do not think of the men as real people, I more think of it as just being gay sex if that makes any sense. I do however have invasive thoughts about gay sex that I can't seem to shake off, and these come more frequently when I'm alone. I'm not normally bothered by them when I'm hanging out with my male friends or hanging out with females around either. I know that I'm not completely straight but I do feel as I want to like women but I am very confused. I want to get married to a women and have kids but don't want to find out later on that I am gay. I know I could be bisexual but it just doesn't feel right to me. I know time will only tell but it does leave me feeling a lot of anxiety. I have lost touch with myself going through this, and I'm not sure if its even the anxiety that turns me about the gay porn or thinking about gay sex. Lastly I completely denied my attraction to gay sex until about 6 months ago when I realized that me looking at gay porn obviously means that, even though is lied to myself and say "it would turn me off but turning me off made me actually feel arousal." Anyways any advice would help, Thanks. I'm 19 too if that helps
Cool, well one thing I can tell you is that I'm the same age as you! woo! I don't know why I get so excited over these things. It's always the little things; well you know what they say about small minds :lol: (amused by small things). Anyway, from what I've heard from lurking around this site so long, is that your taste in porn on its own is probably not the best indicator of your sexuality. It's like reading a book or a fanfic, you empathize with the characters. You're not projecting from yourself really, and you can't change what's happening. It's already pre-determined. But what's in your head on the other hand... that's a little more reliable. Basically, if you're fantasizing about it of your own accord, and not just replaying what you've seen filmed, that might be a better way to tell. But I agree with what you're saying; you don't sound completely one way or the other. And sexuality is hard! It's a pain to figure out when your whole life, you've been told that you're straight. I imagine this feeling must be even worse for trans* people, but let's not get into that. Anyway, denial is pretty common. I know it took me a really long time to even fully acknowledge that I like women (as well as men? still figuring that part out). I think what has kind of concreted my understanding in at least knowing I like women is when I look back on previous experiences. I've recognized in the past that I had a few crushes on girls in my school that I dismissed, or tried to ignore or not think about. I was supposed to be straight, and I guess I just tried to quiet all of the gay thoughts and vocalize all the straight ones. But now I can recognize them for what they were. But yeah, I did have weirdly invasive gay thoughts as well. Like I would be sitting next to my friend, and suddenly, I would imagine myself kissing her. And then I would feel guilty and tell myself it meant nothing, and for a long time, I believed it. So this is where it gets confusing when you're trying to work out whether you are attracted to the opposite sex or not. If you can find anything like what I've described, maybe that's part of your answer. EDIT: Also, Welcome to EC! The people are pretty cool and nice and helpful here
I've heard several times about straight people who saw gay porn and it turned them on, and all of these straight guys always start to panic.. conclusion - do not watch it. Maybe you always think about the porn and guys not because you like it, but because you are so afraid to become gay and constantly concentrate about not thinking about it. On the other hand, why are you so afraid of being gay? I see no reason to be afraid of being gay if you know you are straight. You are the only one who knows what you really feel. If you know you're attracted only to women, you are probably straight. And if you are not attracted only to women, so it is not such a bad thing! At first it might sound stressful but it really is okay. I don't think that the porn is the thing that going to make you gay.. it's okay to be curious about things which you don't familiar with in your daily life. Just try to be open minded and stop concentrate on being straight. When you calm down and put your anxiety aside, I'm sure you'll understand who you're attracted to and who don't
