Cool, well I have been thinking about this again. I suppose I just want to get this off my chest. So yeah, I might ramble a bit. I suppose I'm kind of afraid of not being gay/bi since I've spent so much time and energy thinking about it, and starting to accept that maybe I like chicks. So I'm kind of afraid that I might find out that I'm straight after all. But I call myself lesbian or bi in my head now. I have found girls attractive, which is suppose puts points in the "Paper Crane likes Girls" catagory. I was looking back at my yearbook and I got weird butterfly "oh don't look at that person too long" kind of feelings when I was looking at both guys and girls. I'm pretty sure I had a crush on my best friend for a while, but I was all "don't let that get out!". Speaking of out, I'm not. Or at least I don't think I am, I know I have mentioned casually to some uni friends that I'm questioning, but it hasn't really brought up since. I haven't really talked to anyone properly about it. If that counts as a little bit out, there are certainly a lot of people (that I hope) have no clue. I've never actually been with a girl though, and the prospect of it kind of scares me. Like, how do I even go about finding a girl who isn't straight? Or the fear of revealing myself to a pretty cool person and she being all "oh yeah, I'm straight sry!". I wish that figuring out your sexuality made you level up, and give you abilities such as detecting other gay people. Or if we're getting super powers now, what if you could just barf rainbows at homophobes, and they would be like "dear me! you're fabulous" and I would be like "that's right, we are awesome, so please stop trying to hate on us" and they would be like "kay". And the world would be a better place. :newcolor: Or what about getting past that first hurdle, and maybe magically, I manage to get myself a girlfriend. She is funny, amazing and everything I ever dreamed. But then, like, I'm not out at all yet and I'm not sure how my family would react. Does this mean I would have to come out? Or if I did stay in the closet (hanging out with Aslan in Narnia), that would mean that I would have to be super careful about facebook posts since my family are my friends and notice when anything relationship-ey happens. And wouldn't that be kind of shit for said amazing girlfriend if I am trying to hide her away and pretend that she doesn't exist to people. Ergh! But I digress... I think I'm starting to ramble. I'm pretty sure I like chicks by now, but what if I'm just making myself like chicks? Since I kind of want to get in a relationship with a girl and not a guy in the future. Like if I found a cool guy that I could try with, but passed up the oppurtunity because I am looking for my hypothetical amazing girlfriend, does that make me a terrible person? Because If I like guys, it's generally for their personality, and I've often found later (when i've given the relationship a go) that "hey, you know what, you didn't find them physically attractive at all, you just liked that they liked nerdy things and played video games". Anyway, if you've made it through to the end of this, thanks a lot; you're awesome.
I had the exact same thoughts as you. Hell, I still have my doubts. But I think you're in a good position, at least one that has a bright light for an ending. By the sounds of it, you're accepting of yourself, and that is the best way to be. I'm gonna go through each of your paragraphs now, because there is just so many bits and bobs This shows a real acceptance. It took me a long while to actually start calling myself bisexual in my head, and it's an awesome step! I think you need to cut yourself some slack though. Don't be afraid if things change. It's all a learning curve, and what matters is that you feel happy with yourself, as you are now. You can't determine who you're going to like in the next 2 years, but you can be happy with yourself now. I personally found it very helpful to talk to people who I knew when I was questioning. I had a friend who had been through the same thing (It turned out to be a phase, which is totally cool) but she was super helpful, and beyond patient. But there is a lot of people on here who are really supportive. So don't feel like you can't talk to someone about it. Also, you don't have to be out of the closet yet. I'm am to only a few people, and that's only because I knew they were supportive. But don't feel like you have to express yourself openly, at least not until you've got it all figured out. I'm afraid I can't offer much help on this paragraph. I haven't been with a girl. I know a few gay girls from online, but I'm yet to date one. Although you did say you were in Uni. Does your university have a Pride society? You could get in contact with the leader of that, or a member. They might be able to point you in the direction of someone who you can talk to, or date Also, I would love to spurt rainbows (it would frankly be kind of awesome...). I think you can't judge anything until you're there. If you get a girlfriend (which I'm sure you will), you might already be out by then. Or you might decide that you want to bring her home and it will give you a reason to come out to your family and friends. But don't think you've got to come out. In my mind, if I'm not out to my family if I magically get a girlfriend (Unfortunately, magic does not exist. I'm considering a life-sized blow-up doll?), I would tell them after I knew it was serious. I would bring her home, and be like 'Yep. Meet ---. we're dating' and just see the looks on their faces. It might be that if you're comfortable enough with yourself to date a lovely girl, you're comfortable enough to tell your parents. I honestly don't know. Don't EVER think you're a terrible person because of your sexuality. If you don't like him 'in that way', you don't like him. Full stop. I think, if that situation ever arises, you'd have to be brutally honest with yourself and probably him. I personally don't think you can 'make yourself like chicks', I don't think your sexuality is a choice, but I would just go with the flow. If you kinda know, just go with it and see what happens. I hope things go alright, and it was a pretty good ramble. Rambles are the best, I find them very therapeutic. But yeah, questioning sucks, but if you accept yourself, it's the best feeling in the world!
Thanks Yeah, we do have a queer department. Funilly enough, I keep telling other people to visit their respective queer departments but I haven't actually taken the step myself. I think it would be useful though, so maybe I'll check them out next week and ask them about what they do. All I know about them so far is that they have a water cooler and a rainbow flag in one of the offices. Yeah, that does make a lot of sense haha. It is kind of nice to get it all out I suppose.
I completely understand. I find ranting/rambling very therapeutic, and often helps me piece together what's all going on inside my head. I have no experience of any LGBTQ society or culture (I'm just waiting to go to Uni. Living in a small village doesn't really help...) but I'm pretty sure a visit would be useful. I definitely plan on joining as soon as I get to Uni
Totally empathise... the whole 'what if I'm not' thing... although that gradually faded for me.. I think it was just insecurity about it, wishing I wasn't because it would be easier. and the how the hell do I figure out who is gay/straight thing especially... If you figure out how to activate the gay detection ability let me know. Honestly it's probably closer to the truth, as you gain experience, you get better at noticing. I think. I wouldn't know really.:bang:
I know I really do like that idea, it's just that down here in ADL that kind of thing will stick out in an instant. I want to tell gay people I'm gay but I'm not ready for the rest to know haha.. It's kinda funny, I used to be a raver.. fullon. One of the things I loved about that community is you could wear as much colour as you liked and you might be considered a little immature but thats about it.. bracelets that looked like they were made for 10 year old girls out of pink and white hearts, fine! oh and hugs were the uniform greeting for both sexes. No wonder I found that so comforting lol. I didnt care that the rest of the world thought we were gay, because we knew we werent (what a poor misguided boy I was in that regard..). Unfortunately all that died off here with the recent commercialisation of the dance music scene. I guess maybe I could still get away with it by saying it's something I had from back in the day and I wear it out of nostalgia. But still, it kinda puts you in the position where people are gonna notice who you may not want noticing. Hell maybe I should just harden up and do it. More banging head on a wall I suppose :bang: Maybe we can force each other to do it? I'll do it if you do...
It's sad what you say about the rave scene, I never got into it myself, but it seems like it was a nice place to be. I know hugs were the uniform greeting at my school too. I remember when I first got to highschool and being like "girls can hug girls? And they don't call you gay for it? Sweet!". And then I gave all the hugs. But yeah, I understand about not wanting to wear super rainbow bracelets. I'm not really ready to come out to anyone yet either, so I wouldn't really want to be outed and not be prepared for it, especially by someone who might not be all that nice about it. :icon_eek: Maybe if nobody else could see it, and then it would just be me knowing that I was wearing it. But then that defeats my original comeback haha. I'm chicken too.
If only we could magically connect with all the gay people in the room so we can walk right up to them and introduce ourselves! :lol:
