Have always since I can remember liked girls temporaryd crushes through elementary, middle school, and highschool strictly to girls. One girl who happened to be my first begun this vicious cycle of questioning who I am sexually which fueled 2 and a half years of tests and reassurances to see if I'm 'still' straight or gay. All I know is that the question first appeared when I was having sex with her, I couldnt get it up the last summer we hung out when I was 18. All that was going through my mind before the sex was does she really like me n love me still or am I just a rebound to her recent ex, I felt compared to her ex. This gave me really low self esteem, depression and anxiety. When we had sex the anxiety about being around her was still there which hasn't been the case until this specific summer. That was the first time sex felt traumatizing, just being around her felt so anxiety filled and I felt extremely under pressure to compare to her recent ex, I also thought does that mean I'm gay maybe a couple of times through the summer mostly during sex. My self esteem was in the dumps. She left me at the end of the summer for her ex. I was again just distraught over everything, plunging into porn which I've done nearly every day multiple times a day since I was 11. Which btw I do fear played a role in me being sexually attracted to men. I know I went from regular porn to hardcore porn n then gay porn. I was high on marijuana like usual n jacked off to gay porn and came.very very fast a couple of months after my ex left me. This did not make me feel good at all. It made me confront my whole sexuality because I was cumming quicker n easier to a guy then a girl what felt like 'all of a sudden' although I still pursued girls and rushed into a relationship with another girl for two years even though I wasn't over my first yet, essentially rushed into a relationship with a girl I barely knew because she was a shy 'good girl' n not a whore, also to confirm my sexuality. It was only when I didnt question my sexuality however briefly or test myself did I enjoy the sex and felt emotionally attached n great. I grew to love her but these questions were putting a dent into the relationship because having sex was more of a job to me, again I was watching a lot of porn still, mostly female porn. I eventually grew fond of a self made mind fantasy of Watching my girlfriend get fucked by a guy, any guy. N it felt degrading but that's what made me sexually attracted to it was seeing my girlfriend enjoying getting banged by another dude. She needed to enjoy it The problem is, is I crave wanting to be with a girl. When I see a beautiful girl, I think how I want to be with her I don't think this way about guys, But I'm accepting now that I am probably gay, I just am more disappointed I don't enjoy females sexually like I believe I used to a whole lot. I did hook up with two guys One time I was drunk, the other I was not. The drunk experience involves a guy who wasn't that ugly, but still I was holding in my spit cause I didn't want to swallow at all when he kissed me, I wanted to spit. Ifelt the same way when I had a sober gay experience. I wanted to spit n not swallow. Also I woke up with the second guy with the worse stomach ache ever. I was just bombarded with anxiety Each time I had to get off with 'fantasies in my mind' instead of the actual experience. However they were gay related, mostly, some female, but I was also sort of testing myself. I have been diagnosed with ocd, but I'm going for a second diagnoses soon, cause I'm not sure at times if I have it. Although I do think I do. Also have terrible anxiety and severe depression. It does feel good to come out as gay however temporary cause I keep resorting back to wanting to be with a female. I love how they operate n do things. So what do yall think? Could timing along with porn use, low self esteem n depression to the opposite sex bring out a 'gay side to you'? Maybe as an escape or way to get off since you've had sex with thousands of women every year via porn n your body literally needs something taboo. (jacking of 3-5 times a day on average) I won't be offended, its just hard to let go of ever holding a girl again or kissing them which I like to do, it makes me want to cry actually. I want a wife an kids, I've dreamed of marrying my crushes since I was very young, I would wake up sometimes in the morning and just want to go back to sleep dreaming of the person.
To me you truthfully don't sound 100% gay. Maybe your bi leaning on the straight side of the spectrum. If you have attractions to girls you can't be gay, and porn really cannot tell what your sexuality is, it could give you a bit of an insight but it really cannot tell you. If you don't feel attracted to guys and want to be with them then I don't know if you could be gay. Have you had any past crushes on guys? Or just some experimenting? I could never be the person to say that your gay that is truly up to you to determine! But sexuality can be a difficult thing to figure out! Just look into yourself and find who you are. Just go with the flow and eventually you will figure out who you are and what your sexuality is. But in the end you seem more bi to me on the straight side of the spectrum because me myself I have no sexual or romantic attractions to girls and I truly never have. I always have been checking out guys or crushing on guys and never girls! So if you feel that you still have an attraction to girls and have attractions to guys you could just be bi! Good luck finding yourself and if you so turn out to be gay love yourself for who you are because there is nothing wrong with being gay Other then that not being able to get it up for your girlfriend would never say that your gay! Some super straight guys can sometimes have a difficult time! Maybe all of the anxiety and stress just really put a toll on you with your attraction to your gf? Just keep lookin for the person you think is right for you! It may seem difficult but eventually you will find the perfect person that won't try and decode your sexuality because you don't seem like the straightest board in the barn! ~Zack~
Hey, Welcome to EC :smilewave. Ok, so I'm not a guy, so take what I say with a pinch of salt. From what you've said, I don't think you're completely gay. You seem to show a pretty keen interest in girls. If you're thinking of missing holding a girl and kissing them, then it seems to me like that's a genuine thing. But then again, I'm only reading what you've written and that's all I have to base my assumptions on. Actually, I might quote and unpack parts of your message and see if I have anything I can offer you. I'm not so sure that it was your sexuality that caused your difficulty performing and lack of enjoyment in sex. Do you think that it might have been caused by you worrying that she was comparing you to her ex? I think that amount of stress and worry that you have outlined would be enough to make anyone reluctant to be around her. If there's one thing that I've found, it's that sex is hard when you're thinking or worrying about it. I don't think the worrying alone shows that you are gay. For some reason, sex is important to us as humans and it's not an uncommon thing to worry about. All in all, drunk hookups (or hookups in general) are probabbly not the best things to try and measure your sexuality by. Enjoying sex (at least for me) requires me to be comfortable with the person, and it takes a long time to build up that trust. Maybe you're different, but it's hard to have an emotional connection if they are a complete stranger. I actually used to have OCD when I was a kid (don't know how, but by some stroke of luck I managed to get out of it) although it's something I don't really mention often. But maybe talking to someone or seeing someone would help. Even if you're not sure if it's OCD, it definately must be an anxiety thing for OCD to come up on the radar. For me it felt like the same worries were going around and around in my head and I saw a child phsychologist for many years. But there is hope (*hug*) This is what makes me doubt you are completely gay. There's no binary where you are either gay or straight. You could be a whole number of things. That's why we have a rainbow, because it's a specrum and there are so many diverse identities. Here's a link which might help you figure out all the different shades of queer: A Comprehensive List of LGBTQ+ Term Definitions .
Yeah its just I have got boners from looking at girls n messing with them, but the feeling in my Dick comes out when I think of a guy. But many times I can't even finish guy masturbating to a gay fantasy anymore n its becoming stale like women have become. I feel like I need to quit for 90 days, see where my head lies after that. Its just everyday I'm questioning my sexuality, I recognize as gay atm more cause of sexual attraction via fantasy. I feel like I might be more bi sexual although I think my mind has went through a traumatizing events with ex, n my mom to boot who I view as a walking mannequin and hate from a divorce n bs she pulled. I used to start blaming woman and girls n fueled my own distrust in them. I have a ton of anxiety left over n generally a bad outlook of girls as people. Not all of them though
Most gay people hang around girls,maybe that is what you need?A friend? You should not worry about this,take your time.
For what it's worth, I was that unaware of my true feelings that I thought I was into girls. Your mind can be subconsciously forcing you to do things like that. I would say look at the evidence. EG: for all the time I thought I was into girls, up until 9ish months ago at age 26, I slept with one girl just after high school and that's it. Never really had a girlfriend/went on dates/etc. When I look back now knowing what I am, so many of my actions make much more sense. I basically told myself I had too much other stuff going on in my life to do that/I wasnt good looking enough/I'm too independant/all the other usual excuses.
