When you were in denial, what made you think you weren't what you are?

I just kept telling myself that it was just a phase that I'ld overcome eventually. I backed up these thoughts with info I found on the internet about HOCD.

 

I kept telling myself "You like women. You can choose a woman. Those times with men were just about sex. There was no romance involved." I told myself that I was in control. My body said "See that hot guy over there. Wouldn't you just like to :***: with him? You're getting a :***:!

 

I thought it was because of my age. I was 15 when i started questioning and My sister said it was a Phase so i believed her then i thought, My crushes on girl were just admiration and then I said some other things that made me think, they were real.

I dont want to like girls....I just, it makes me feel embarrassed.....There has to be something there.....I just can't....I can't like girls, Other people have said i've said i always liked guys so how can i like girls...

This is so frustrating

 

I was the CHAMPION of denial!! If I've ever been really good at anything in my life it was denying that I was gay.

I had a whole list of things I'd tell myself. (in no particular order)
-I don't want a man because I'm independent.

-I'm a loner.

-It is hard to meet men because I am shy.

-I like men. I just don't like dating.

-This whole culture is too sex obsessed. I'm above that. Look! I'm not even boy crazy!

-I'm asexual.

-I like being alone.

-I'm picky. I just don't want to settle for just any guy. He has to be right. (turns out he has to be a woman, but I didn't realize that just yet).

-It is natural to find women more beautiful than men. Look at art history! Everyone knows the female form is more beautiful.

-If I have to ask myself the question "am I gay" then I'm not. Gay people just know. They don't have to question.

-Other people are gay. I'm not gay.

-I'm not butch, so I can't be gay. (ironically after I came out to myself and started changing the way I dress to how I prefer, I am now being called butch)

-I'm an adult so if I didn't figure out I'm gay by now then I'm not. You figure that out in your teens. (I'd actually first questioned in my teens.)

-I haven't ever had crush on a girl. --This is an odd one because in some ways I never had a full crush on a girl until I came out to myself, and acknowledged my feelings. They were definitely much stronger once I acknowledged that they existed and what they were. But I had felt things towards girls before and just labeled the feelings as something straight. It would be admiration or appreciation of their beauty or just having a desperate need to be their friend upon first meeting them.

 

Parsley, you just summed up my life.

 

There was one guy I could have fallen for romantically. He was a male nurse that I met at college. He never felt anything but friendship for me. Unrequited love is a b*tch!

 

Basically I'd think to myself
'Your not gay or attracted to him, you just wish you had his body. Stop thinking this your straight. The fact your attracted to a man is coincidence'
and then later on I was so desperate to like women
'Look your proboably bisexual. Doesn't matter. You choose women. Never choose men. You aren't that attracted to men. still mainly women. NO ignore your browser history, you like women'

and now it's
'Guys. ^_^

 

^all of the above (very excellent insights).

Here's another: I was too special for all that tedious and common coming-out and coming to terms business, much too unique, I must be a special case...

 

All of this. I would add

- Of course I'm more emotionally attracted to women. Don't all people prefer to form close emotional bonds with those of the same gender?

Imagine my surprise when one day in French class the teacher asked us who we would rather have a deep, emotional conversation with, and I was the only "girl" (didn't realize non-binary genders existed at the time) who said other girls. The answer was so obvious to me that I couldn't believe it when the others answered differently. :lol:

- I'm attracted to men, so I must be straight. I just don't want to date them, even the ones I have crushes on, because...I don't want to?

 

I remember thinking (when I was 13...that's when I started questioning) at night always "No, I can't be gay (didn't know about Bisexual at that time)...that's what people always make jokes about... I like girls!"

At that time, I thought being gay was an extremely rare thing amongst people, and I was convinced that the chances of me liking guys was slim to none.

Irony.

 

Parsley: Same here.

---------- Post added 29th Jun 2013 at 11:01 PM ----------

All of this. I would add

- Of course I'm more emotionally attracted to women. Don't all people prefer to form close emotional bonds with those of the same gender?

Imagine my surprise when one day in French class the teacher asked us who we would rather have a deep, emotional conversation with, and I was the only "girl" (didn't realize non-binary genders existed at the time) who said other girls. The answer was so obvious to me that I couldn't believe it when the others answered differently. :lol:

- I'm attracted to men, so I must be straight. I just don't want to date them, even the ones I have crushes on, because...I don't want to?[/QUOTE]

The last comment is so true! One of my friends was like (to me and a guy friend) "Oh you two should date!" and I'm like aahhh *smiles* "No thanks!" Ah my closeted self never ceases to amaze me.

 

SO true!!

And I have to add..

-Once got asked out by a close male friend of mine. We were close friends and always hung out. My response to him asking me out was, "Uhh.......Why?" :lol: I didn't understand why going out with someone would be appealing. We were probably around 17 at the time. :eusa_doh:

-I'm a "late bloomer" was my go-to for a long time. It stopped working so well as an excuse after I hit 30. lol

 

i dont know how to get out of denial and quite frankly , i dont want to

 

I told everybody I was bi when i got a girlfriend, and after that was dating a guy again. I started realizing I leaned more towards girls when I tried to sext my boyfriend and couldn't figure out how it would work. I didn't try to deny it per say but I got really depressed and started to hate myself. I was mainly afraid of my mom hating me because she always wanted a girly girl and I'm just not that. Eventually I just didn't let myself think of that and refused to look at girls, but it only worked out for a while. And here I am yay

 

the fear of being who i really was.

 

I didn't even realise I was gay, I just thought I was too distracted by life to be into girls. I mean I was always open to being with a guy, but I thought that was just a relatively normal level of curiosity.

I think most of it was probably just due to all the gay jokes people make. Even when people aren't really being purposely hateful, when you're around that kind of language it gets in your head and you think that way.

 

For me...

- It's a phase!

- You crushed on boys when you were younger, since when do you like girls too?

In terms of my gender...

- But you were girly as a kid/you didn't know when you were a kid!

- You'll never be a guy/there's no possible way you can!

- Just be happy with what you have.

- You have a vagina. Vagina = Girl

- You're deluding yourself.

- If I was a 'real' woman, I'd be happy with what I have!

 

In fear of my homophobic family, as well as almost all the excuses and reasons up here already. For a long time I just straight out ignored and avoided even thinking about it in fear of coming to the conclusion I was gay.

 

You basically said exactly what I was going to, but the "maybe I'm bisexual" thing didn't last long. At all.