First of all, I currently identify as gay. For a while that hasn't felt quite right to me. I don't know if it's because I feel crammed into a stereotype as a gay male or if my parents' truly unacceptable handling of my sexuality has made me feel like I should be attracted to women OR it could just be that I actually am bisexual and don't want to admit it because I'm afraid of losing the closeness I have with my female friends. I'm just really confused right now because I feel like I am attracted to women and am really scared by that prospect. I know it's silly to be afraid of who you are but it comes with a lot of baggage for me. Any words of advice?
I'd say don't "should" all over yourself. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. If someone rejects you for bisexual feelings are they really a good friend? That's just something to think about. When you say baggage are you talking about religious baggage?
Yes, religious baggage. I was in conversion therapy and I feel like if I like women, they won and I'm stuck with a life I don't want to live. Again it's baggage which is why it doesn't make sense in writing but it's still powerful and hard to deal with.
"Conversion therapy" just causes people pain. It eventually forces them to live a life that they know they aren't comfortable living. Religion is becoming a bit more tolerant of LGBT people and dropping the "conversion" therapy all together, but they still have a long way to go. You need to be happy with who you are, regardless of what pressure you might feel by your family to conform to certain sterotypes or religious beliefs. Believe me, I'll save you the trouble and just tell you that it isn't worth trying to live your life pleasing others. Just take religion lightly, and understand that they have their reasons for believing what they want to believe. Just, I know it's hard, be yourself.
"Conversation therapy" somehow reminds me of the Camp in the movie "But I'm a cheerleader". I am a whatever-sexual female that identified with being a lesbian for some years. For a long time, I denied every thought about the possibility of liking guys, because the people surrounding me seemed just to wait for 'this phase' to end. I was raised catholic, but I don't identify much with that, so the religious component for me mostly didn't exist, fortunately, and my friends were very accepting. When I found my ex girlfriend, it felt like I won; like I had crossed those social lines preset by small town mentality, and it felt great. Some time after we broke up and I spent a long time being non active single woman in a big city, I just wasn't interested in any kind of dating - neither women nor men. It felt like I just wasn't part of anything anymore. What I'm trying to say - I can relate to you, I think. I find it hard,.. let's put it like this: 'sticking with society', but I've come to terms that it doesn't matter what people are thnking of you as long as you're happy with your own decisions. Don't pressure yourself with "I should". It's not about "should"-ing, but about finding your path. Yours, and yours alone, not anyone's who just 'wants your best'. So my advice: if being gay doesn't feel totally right, try to be open. Let things happen, even though they might scare you.
