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All signs point to me being gay, but I'm definitely not

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Musician, Jul 3, 2013.

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  1. Musician

    Musician
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    This is bizarre.

    I don't even know how to describe it. I always got off to girls. Loved women. Yet, when I think of guys, when I'm around guys, watch gay porn (as opposed to female porn), I see my penile tumescence increasing (at least now), and watching lesbian porn or thinking of females, my penile tumescence decreases. I know when I look back to my photographs with male friends from teen years, I did not have attraction to them, yet was completely straight. So, I know I'm gay, emotionally, physically, etc. At least now. But when I ditched all the testing today and tried fantasizing about guys (authentically, honestly, emotionally involving myself), it was nice, but I thought of the dude's girlfriend and got off in a heartbeat. But I feel gay. I've fantasized about guys before, and sexually it gets me off more than girls sometimes. And I try to emotionally feel nice about it. I really do. But whenever I am able to get off to a girl, I feel like a trillion dollars. Not because I'm trying to not be gay. Because I feel like on an emotional high. It's wonderful. But I know I'm shifting to being gay. I think the majority of my fantasies are still about women. But I know without them, I'm attracted to men. Don't know how I know. But I love my fantasies about women much more. But I feel like they're not my gay reality, though women get me off more, at least when I'm not watching porn. It's as if I'm tiring of women and I'm growing bored. And it fucking breaks my heart.

    I've tried to be patient with my sexual orientation, and not deciding. But am I gonna be like this until my 50's, 60's, etc.? I'm so confused and lost. And when I fantasized about the girl and got off, something still told me I should have done it to a guy. But it doesn't always work so nicely, thinking about a guy. It works better with a girl quite often. Feels much more emotionally better too. Like I'm complete. But, I hate this so freaking much! Ah, fuck! (Sorry to swear, but I hate this).

    Anybody else go through this? I don't wanna leave my relationship, but do you think I can be actually gay, but love the sex with your partner? But I feel like my desires for women are expiring. It's so painful, because I was 100% straight before (in my teens and much of my 20's), and now I'm not. And I mean that about being straight. I hope you don't think I'm lying or denying. I'm being completely honest. So this is all very painful for me.

    I don't know what to do about my relationship. I love my girl in all ways. We have a great life together, including lots of sex. Have you gay people experienced this during marriage? And have started off straight also? What would you do in my situation? I don't want to leave for many reasons, including that I love her and I love the contact with her. Yet I'm so afraid I'm making that up. I don't know if I have that sexual-emotional connection with guys. I choose to stay with her for all the above reasons, and because I can have a biological family with her, but that truly is secondary. More because I love her a lot. Yet I may be gay. May be. Don't know. Please help, advice and sympathetic responses appreciated.

    Cheers.
     
    #1 Musician, Jul 3, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2013
  2. livinganew

    livinganew
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    My honest opinion is that you are not gay.
     
    #2 livinganew, Jul 3, 2013
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    Your situation is more nuanced than most. And more complicated, given that you're in a relationship.

    Not sure if I've said this before to you, but one of the common problems with trying to discern authentic orientation for someone in a relationship is... the relationship.

    So much is tied up in that investment, that unconscious can throw up barriers to connecting to your authentic self, which manifest as denial.

    But then... unconscious may *not* be throwing up those barriers, and what you're experiencing could be entirely authentic.

    If I were to hazard a guess, I would imagine that there *is* some unconscious baggage interfering with finding your truth, because I don't think you'd have the conflicts you describe otherwise. But whether that means you're gay or straight at the end of the day... I don't think I or anyone else can answer that for you.

    Also, just as a piece of input: Personally, I don't buy into the whole separation of romantic and sexual attraction, in large part because there's no credible support for it in the psych research literature, and precious little among the therapists actually out there in the trenches working with clients day-in and day-out. And I think we get ourselves into trouble when we open that door, because it is often simply a crutch we use to avoid accepting our authentic feelings.

    Which leaves us, in our case, with an unresolved question/dilemma, and one which you probably don't have the luxury of just waiting to find out about.

    So perhaps the best choice here is therapy. But this is probably something where you want to talk to 3 or 4 therapists before choosing one, because it's important that the therapist not have an agenda going in, and doesn't, either overtly or subtlely, influence you in either direction. It's important to get one who is focused on insight-based approaches rather than cognitive-behavioral, and that will be something to ask up front when you're speaking, as many therapists today are focused on CBT, because insurance likes it (it's a cheap band-aid, but rarely a long-term fix.) A good therapist will help you explore the back story, look into what motivates your feelings, and help you get clarity from that. And I think that's going to be your best bet.
     
    #3 Chip, Jul 3, 2013
  4. pinklov3ly

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    Well, I'm not sure if anything I'm going to say can help you, but I will try.

    I'm about your age; I'll be 27 this month and well, I still struggle with being a lesbian. During my teens, I thought I was bisexual because I liked girls and guys. However, when I turned 19, I knew that I was gay, but I could not accept it. So, I started a relationship with a guy who's now the father of my boys. In the beginning, I knew that things were not going to end well because I was fighting my attraction towards women. But, he and I dated on/off for many years, but things just did not work out unfortunately.

    If you are attracted to men and women then allow yourself to have those feelings. If you believe that you're more into men then you need to be honest with yourself. If you feel like you're not fulfilled in the relationship that you're in now, then you need to take a step back. Perhaps, take a break so that way you can sort your feelings out without feeling pressured.

    I felt terrible because I pretty much dragged my ex into my world of denial. I feel like I robbed him of a life that he's always wanted (raising our kids together.) Just please do not do that to your girlfriend. Getting married and or having kids will not change how you feel because I thought that it would too. However, here I am--still gay. I know it's a struggle, so please don't be too hard on yourself.
     
    #4 pinklov3ly, Jul 3, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2013
  5. srslywtf

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    I spent 26 years thinking I would do something with a guy if it came up, but was more interested in girls.

    Then all over a period of 6-9 months suddenly my oppressed homosexuality came bursting out. The way I felt about women before is NOTHING compared to the way I feel about men now. I think it was just , in absence of the true feeling, you cant tell if a forced feeling is 'real' or not. Also looking back, it seems obvious now because of all the things I did, all the things I was afraid to do for fear of 'looking gay'. Only having slept with 1 girl in my school time.

    You may or may not be the same way, but know that it is possible to be that repressed/confused/much in denial that you honestly thought you were straight with a bit of bi-curious thrown in. I used to think I had a normal level of curiosity and most people felt the same but were too insecure to admit it - but now I realise I had way more attraction to men than most other guys and they were probably just straight rather than insecure haha.

    As soon as I truly considered being gay, imagined it in a realistic way, thought about it objectively (which I thought i was doing before, but realise now I wasnt at all) - the walls came crashing down and now I look at a girl and am like... is that what I thought true attraction was before? Because it is nothing.
     
    #5 srslywtf, Jul 3, 2013
  6. Musician

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    Hey all!

    Chip, the good news is that I already do have a therapist, who does not do CBT, but is very insight oriented. He himself is fundamentally gay, though has enough bisexuality in him to be in a long-term hetero marriage (probably with some male tail on the side). He's been married for 25 years and is now in his late 60's. He believes I'm fundamentally hetero, with a degree of bisexuality, though when I first came out to him as gay/bi, he noticed I was finally at peace. At the time, he was happy for me. I truly believe he is looking out for me, regardless of my life path, orientation, etc. But I was never happy. When I discern the difference between romantic and sexual, I really don't mean much of a difference. I don't mean romantic, like I have wonderful feelings for a girl, but not sexually. I mean both sexual and romantic. Just when I watch gay porn in particular, I get off faster, but I don't usually have the same romantic feelings for the man when doing that. The woman makes me feel whole. Having said that, I don't understand my dick's reactions if I don't feel the same about a guy. And I've tried. It's the face. A woman's face completes me, her soul, her eyes - and it's very sexual. A man's does not do it like that, no matter how sexual he is. It's just the other stuff. And I am kinda tired of trying to stuff myself into a "gay" box. It hasn't really brought me happiness.

    Also, I don't know whether the relationship has much to do with things for me. I believe everything I've mentioned is authentic. I am quite happy with my woman, actually. I love her in all ways. Things have eased up as we've worked through things. It's just when I'm not with her, I get doubts. I want to watch gay porn after watching TV with male figures, but as much as it gets me off, it's not how I loved female porn in the past, or even female fantasy. I LOVED LOVED LOVED it for many years. The way a fundamentally gay man would probably love a gay porn. Hence my confusion here.

    I appreciate everyone else's points of view. I don't know, I really was straight because of my true feelings, and not anything else. At least into women. I'm sure I repressed much, but I loved women too much, and much more than I love the guys. And by love, I mean fully sexual, etc. Completely on all planes.
     
    #6 Musician, Jul 4, 2013
  7. lostboy78

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    #7 lostboy78, Oct 23, 2014
  8. Gallatin

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    Keep in mind dates when posting, please. This thread is over a year old. If you want to communicate directly with another member, please utilize the wall messaging system or send a PM if you are a full member. Thanks! :slight_smile:
     
    #8 Gallatin, Oct 23, 2014
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