I decided to write this here on Empty Closets today because, well, I feel like my mind is in a mess from thinking about if I’m Straight, Bisexual, Asexual, or Gay so far during the past year. Right now, I just feel that my mind is racing with all the thoughts of “Is it possible?” and “Am I really Gay?” so I decided to settle this by asking for some advice. Let me start off from the beginning. I’m 17 Years Old, and just graduated High School a couple of weeks ago. My family has always been one that has been supportive of me in anything I do, but they’re strong believers that homosexuality is just a ‘phase.’ To be honest, I have Asperger’s Syndrome, which is basically a really high-functioning Autism that affects the social side of me. It’s always held me back in one way or another, whether it is school, my social life, or my family life, but I don’t really care anymore. I just accepted the fact I have Asperger’s, and I’ll have to live with it. During my school life I went to a Canadian Catholic School with a high ESL Population with 60% of the 800 Students being of Arabic or Muslim dissent, so I never met anyone in real life that is a homosexual. My official religion is a mix of Christianity and Judaism, but I don’t believe half the stuff of either religion, and got both opening sacraments in each religion. I’ve always been uncomfortable about anything homosexual, since the only gay person I knew was in a 2K League that was a jack***. But anyway, let me get onto my long story about questioning my sexuality. Before November 2012, I had never been active in ANY way involving sex or sexual relationships. That includes watching porn, masturbating, and even having a simple boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I’ve never been able to get the courage to ask a girl to go out with me, and even when I think “I have to wait” because that person just broke up with someone, another guy comes and snags her away, even when she liked me a lot as a friend. I even got asked by a crush in Grade 9 to go out with her, but I didn’t have the courage to say yes and she went out with another person for 3 Years. Anyway, back on topic. I was starting to think about my penis size (Yes, my penis size), and it being too small to actually attract a person in the future. So, I decided to start looking at penises to compare their size with mine. Well, when I started looking at them, I started getting a boner from some of them, and I didn’t know why. I didn’t think of anything of it, as I was still not masturbating at the time. I kept going to these sites on tumblr, trying to look at the sizes and to try and grow mine. Well, it started to escalate really quickly. I started wondering if people had ever did ‘anything’ in public involving public nudity and masturbation, so I decided to search more of it up. I had started to masturbate a little bit, only to the point of pre-ejaculation. But, in the trill of the moment, I had another boner from one of the ones I watched, so I decided to see if the way they did it worked for me. Well, it did. And, well, I started getting addicted to public exhibitionist and masturbation videos. It got to the point where my computer got hacked in January, but I still went back at it immediately after I redid my PC. And, well, it got even worse. Soon, I was getting more and more interested in what Gay Porn actually looked like. I had watched a few normal pornos, but nothing really happened with them, and I wasn’t into them all that much. So, I started getting into gay porn on Pornhub, and never looked back. I felt like I wanted to be in their situation, like actually in the video. I continued to question what was actually happening in my head and my thoughts, and soon, it got worse. Before all this, I had flashes at certain instances that during my Design Tech Class, I would get like 1 second daydreams of my teacher trying to kiss me (he was a guy). Back then I just stepped back and thought “WTF?” Like I was confused on what happened, or why I thought like that. But anyway, let’s get to where we are now. I was in the 2K League I mentioned during this time, and there were 2 openly gay men in the league. I didn’t take them seriously though, as there was the jack***, while the other sent random dick shots to people just for fun, and didn’t really talk about it. In April, I had this crazy dream about the first one. I dreamed we met at this Subway in Arizona (where he lived) and talked for a bit. We went to his place in the dream, and convinced me to let him give me a blowjob. In this dream I actually enjoyed it, but when he was done, I got up, was going to leave, but as I was going, he said “I’m going to give you the time of your life” and tackled me onto the couch and had anal sex with me. Remember, this was all a dream. Then, the end of the dream was random and I ended up picking up a girl later that night at a bar, and the dream ended. I woke up from that thinking “WHAT THE F*** DID I JUST DREAM?!?!” and thought about it all that day. I didn’t want to tell my parents or my friends at school, as it was, you know, just a dream. But I wanted to discuss this with that person, and, for some stupid reason, I said what I dreamed in the main XAT Chat. There were 12 people in there at the time, and 10 of them broke out laughing. The person I dreamed about didn’t say anything and was shell-shocked for a week, becoming humble from me dreaming about him. But, one person got to me in the chat. There was one guy who said instantly “You’re gay.” I thought he was joking, but he was saying “No, you’re really gay.” So I was trying to brush it off, with all these people laughing from what happened and trying to get me to talk it over. He was constantly trying to tell me I was gay for dreaming that, but I still thought I was completely normal. So, that kind of made me a laughing stock in my league (even more since I had Asperger’s and was treated like shit already), and time went on. The whole thing made me feel like I shell of myself, and I got into a depressive state over if I was gay or not. I kept thinking about the thoughts I had before, and it got to the point where I was depressed every single day for a month. Every time I thought I got out of my funk, I didn’t and went back to thinking about being gay or bi. I was continuously getting more into gay porn, and that became all I would watch for some time. I started wondering what the tastes of cum was like, and soon started to like it. It was going down a bad road, and finally things were looking up in May. Everything started to blow over in the 2K League, and I had forgot for the most part about the thoughts I was having. I was enjoying my life, and was getting more popular since I started doing track, and had made it to the Provincial Regionals. Soon, everything was fine, and I had forgotten about watching porn for a month. But then, during these Regionals, something happened. I was starting in a hotel room with three of my guy teammates. Two of us had already competed, another was competing the next day, and one person was there for support. I had to sleep with one of them, as there were only two beds in the hotel room. Now I hadn’t gotten a boner or anything like that during my time in the hotel, but something happened during our sleep. During the night, I was having a normal dream, nothing crazy, but in the dream I rolled over. When I rolled over in the dream, I woke up and was on top of the person next to me. He didn’t wake up or know about it, but it scared the heck out of me, and kept me awake for an hour. I didn’t think anything about it again, but that kind of kick-started my thoughts just a little bit. The thoughts got to the point that the week I had a mental breakdown at my school. I had did a test to see if I was attracted by Lesbian Porn, just to see if I was attracted to the women in the video. I watched it for at least 3 minutes, nothing happened. Didn’t once get sexually into it. That made me want to jump to the conclusion that I was gay, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself entirely, since I didn’t want to make the wrong choice. I ended up going to school one day with these thoughts in my head, and mad at my mother, and when I got to school, I started screaming in the halls. I was already late for school, and I just began to swear at the top of my lungs. The Spec. Ed teacher from across the hall brought me into the next classroom, where they locked me in. They treated me like a special needs person going nuts, and I didn’t want to say why. I ended up saying every single thing that was bothering me except that I was thinking I was gay. They sent me home a few minutes later. On top of that, I had sprained my ankle for the lack of sleep from thinking about being a homosexual and tripping over a cafeteria table. I was lucky to be able to go to my Provincial Championships that weekend. Then, when I had finished the Provincial Championships, I had to do a presentation on a Social Justice Issue. This was something that was worth about 15% of my class mark in Religion (I went to a Catholic School). I couldn’t think of anything to do for the project, so I came to the conclusion that I should do it on Gay Rights as a silent way of saying I could be one. There were two other gay rights presentations in the class, but both of those times, no one supported the presentation or answered the questions for it. I ended up getting an A-, but that was mainly because people didn’t want to discuss my questions or even listen. I counted during the presentation that 16 people’s heads were down, and 5 were on cell phones. THAT shows how much people hated gay people at my school to not listen to a major issue at the time. Now I’m sitting here today, after writing a three page essay on all of this. I’m supposed to be going into J-School at a Canadian College in the fall, and I’m afraid that if I come out to anyone or think I am a homosexual, that it will affect my future. I started these thoughts again last night, so I decided today to put an end to all of this. I want to know if I’m bisexual, homosexual, asexual, or straight, or else I’m going to go crazy finding out. I took the Kinsey test awhile back and got a 3, which apparently is a 50/50 Split. I don’t want to do anything sexually that I’ve been seeing in these porn videos or public exhibitionist videos, as I’m afraid of making the wrong choice. I keep switching these days between gay porn and straight porn, both of them feeling the same to me. And I still can’t get into a relationship to save my life, as I still feel socially awkward and scared at the same time. Right now, I just feel that whatever sex I have sex with first, that’s what I’m sticking with. Please give me some advice before I go insane!
