Alright so I do think I'm gay, but I can't shake the thought of not being with a girl ever again. Its not even from social pressures like you all think. I've just loved the idea being with a women, n swear I was attracted at one point to them, regardless. The thought of having to give up women permanently makes me wanna cry. If its possible to have hocd if your gay, then I'm pretty sure I have that. I am being afraid of being gay, as much so as not finding a female soulmate. I've been hurt and disgusted by my mom since I was 10 which was the beginning of a long brutal divorce. she is pretty much an evil women. She's like a mom who thinks she is 20, is an alchoholic to boot I was hurt by my first who I loved when I was 14-18, so throughout highschool and could not get over for a long long time. She would come back into my life every summer, give me a wide array of emotions n then leave to go be a hoe, this left me distraught during the winter. I feel like my hate and pain from women solidified into me becoming gay as an alternative choice then the evil of females. N I know not all of them are evil its just an image instilled in me. I do feel like I've been actually traumatized. I would sit there and cry because of my ex or my life that was caused by my mom n just hate them. I've been subject to bullying sometimes, its sort of like joking around with friends turned bullying cause they push u pass that point. So I would get insecure about feeling stupid, or always wrong, or even gay if they said things like you pluck your eyebrows so your gay, so I would sit there n just try to be as straight as I can be as if I now had something to prove. That's when being straight at times, started to feel a little artificial. Anyways I have a gay friend, its just I feel so bipolar, like not committed to being gay since I still fear not being able to be with women. I just want the real attraction n feelings I swear were once there before I started questioning myself. I use to jack off to females all day everyday for years n years. (Still do but I hsve switched to men without a face, or a man fuckin my most recent ex, although I focus on if my girl enjoys it n is being pleasured. If she enjoys it in the fantasy n wants the guys cum in her mouth. I want to do a reboot also just to see what happens, some people say it works, some people don't. All I know is im so confused and stressed n afraid of the answer if I reboot, its also hard when your bored alot. I used to have a great social life, talked to a lot of girls and had a lot of pleasure doing so. Had immence, immence crushes throughout highschool. So I feel like my nurturing had alot to do with my sexual preference. I've built up a Terrible image for women n took it for a ride. If I see a women on tv for godsakes cheating or hear of a girl being a slut like partying n hookin up with a guy who is using her for sex I just think all girls are like this, n it makes me so dissapointed and turns my gut into a knot all at once. Then I can't shake the thought n then my mom n my ex pass through my head multiple times a day as nice reminders n I'm left in disgust and hate.
Bump... Also my first time I was bullied was in middle school by a former best friend who went completed 180, I was called names by a group of kids because me n another two Friends in fifth grade jacked off to porn in eurotrip, n they found out cause my old friends retarded an although I didn't jack off to gay porn during the movie, they made a cruel rumor that I jacked off to the male nude beach scene, when I only masturbated to the female parts. It deff caused a lot of stress and conflict. I didn't really think I was gay nor did I question it, it just made me in general feel really insecure and out of place, I guess the name calling aspect n what I knew was being said behind my back. This event would come back n haunt me multiple times, even tho now I realize we were kids, I would just lie about the whole situation saying it never happened when I was asked
Is there a possibility you're bisexual or pansexual? It's something to look into. Questioning your sexuality is very very stressful but if you really aren't straight then it's the healthiest thing for you long term. If it's too much, try to focus on other things in your life, and then just kind of keep a tally of your sexual interests in other people. With as much stress and conflict you have with your sexuality even after accepting your attraction to other men, I would say that being bisexual is a definite possibility
Sardonic is right, sexuality isn't binary. Take a deep breath. Nobody can tell you that you have to "give up women" if you like men, and vice-versa (and if they are, they're definitely wrong). I'm sure you will figure out your feelings in time - it's not a life-or-death situation, you don't have to have come to a conclusion by morning (well, morning for me, let's say evening for you if you're in the US), you have time. Here are some ideas : look what kind of people you tend to check out most (not in a "I'd like to look like them" way, more like "this person is kinda hot"), think a bit about who you feel romantically attracted to, to what degree. And as I said before, the Earth won't explode if you haven't reached a conclusion by Sunday. No need to spend hours second-guessing yourself. Now, about the bullying you've had to put up with. (*hug*) It's normal if it affects you, names and insults are often more than enough to make someone suffer (trust me, I've been there), especially considering the circumstances (your mom, your ex). I don't really know what to advise here, apart from my own experience - I found better friends, talked to one of them about what had happened, to a counselor I trusted, too. Edit : Your questioning being also linked to your past issues with your ex and your mother, it might be hard to distinguish between the feelings they caused and the feelings women cause in general (and "I feel like my hate and pain from women solidified into me becoming gay as an alternative choice then the evil of females" seems to indicate it's exactly what happens). If it were me (but keep in mind it's only what I'd do), I would try to work through these issues first; determining who you're attracted to would probably be easier then. Though if it's a really pressing matter for you, I'd suggest to take into account what you felt towards girls, boys (and other people if you've ever met genderqueer ones) before what your ex did really started to get to you. In any case, (*hug*) again, and you don't have to solve all your problems right now (that would be much too hard).
