Straight? Bi? Gay? Confused? Damaged? Anxiety riddled....I am going CRAZY!

Hello all!

My name is Cody, (fake name, but i like it ). I am 23 years old and I wanted to get some people's opinions, and i understand that it is just opinions. I might even be using this as a forum to vent and assess my sex life.

EVERYTHING I write will tie into the main questions, I am not looking for poor me, or pity, as I have had an AMAZING and fulfilling life other than this...lol... I am smart, very good looking, very sociable, and very personable, but here is the story of the journey that i hope you can help sort out.


In childhood, I was extremely smart, well beyond my peers. But as such, I had a hard time socializing, getting along with other kids, and actually bonding with peers my own age; (I related with about 4 grades higher...) I moved around ALOT, at least once or twice a year from 2nd grade to senior year in highschool.

As early as 12 I started playing around with alternate forms of pleasure (anal)....I dont know why it started, that was a long time ago, I just remember it.

At age 13-14, I started having gay thoughts. But not because I seen a cute guy, or because I had dreams or not; Honestly, I do not remember what kicked off the thoughts; Maybe it was my internalized way of "Finding a group where i can 'Belong' "

The thoughts overwhelmed my thinking, and in a crying frenzy I told my mother, who I could ALWAYS rely on. I told her my fears and my thoughts before school one day. I did that because I knew that having to go to school would save the awkwardness of the aftermath and give her time to think. I even wrote a note during school to her expressing my thoughts and fears.

Around 15-16 I moved to my fathers in another state, same issues in school, same bonding problems. I was that "Weird" kid. But eventually I came out to some friends as gay, I think I knew that I was not "attracted" to men, but then again, my mind was in a frenzy. During science class, I did develop a crush on a boy, which I still remember because it was irrational, he was not hot or jock or anything, I just thought he was adorable. Believe it or not, this crush actually CALMED my anxiety on the subject, giving proof to the mess... To this day I think he was at least curious, we stared at eachother for the full class hour some days lol....

I joined the swim team with some of my friends. (Since coming out, i gained emense popularity.... because my mind shifted from needing to having a group, and then everyone else just sort of followed...who would have thought that coming out could garner that??) On the swim team is where I met another guy from another school, and at that same swim meet is where I had my first sexual experience (gay or straight). Bathroom stall style..... I could not perform, my anxiety was through the roof! Some time down the road, that guy and myself had sex with me as the bottom....and it was amazing......absolutely amazing....but again, I did not perform (couldnt get hard....). This guy was reasonably attractive, and i did have some attraction to him, but it was nothing huge.

Now take note, I can get hard on my own, so it is not ED, maybe just severe anxiety...

Fast forward to age 17, I am living back with my mother and get with a guy here; He is NOT attractive at all, but it still happens; We get together and have alot of sexual activities; Mostly oral, a couple of anal (me bottom) sessions. And rarely I got off (although it felt lacking, and it was hard to get me off). I ended it with that gentlemen and for lack of better verbage, "Turned Straight".

At 18, I had sex for the first time with a girl, not attractive, but my first none the less. Same issues with anxiety. We played the "Im hard, but she is not wet...now She is wet but I am not hard" game.

From Ages 18-23 I played straight for the most part. Had relationships with girls, every girl getting increasingly more attractive then the last; Maybe my building confidence combined with me growing into good looks?

At age 20 I joined the Air Force and only had 1 gay meeting in that time, which was head in my car. Receiving, I did get off...pretty well too if i remember right.

Now the kicker is, from 18-22, I would go awhile without any thoughts, then out of the BLUE I would get the "itch" get ****** on my phone and just window shop... When i was with girls, I would be just browsing gay porn/******/CL. Not all the time, just in small spurts. At age 22-23 I was for all intensive purposes COMPLETELY with girls. Having decided that I am straight, and that my attraction for guys was rooted in a developmental adolescence attempt to get accepted.

Now, we arive to where I am now. A few months ago, I was at guitar center and the manager there had me in TANGLES. I have never experience attraction like that to a guy. Instantly regretted not talking longer, not getting a number, not staying. He lingered in my mind for days.....Ironically a few weeks later he emailed me asking how the mixboard I had was working for me, maybe a followup? Maybe an attempt...doesnt matter, I am now in a state far away from him because I am getting out of the military.

That guy, and that guy alone broke about 8-9 months of being "solo straight". Stiring up the pot and really screwing with my head. Now I am sitting here in my house, over the past 2 weeks I have ****** on my phone, went to a gay bar, and am finding a new attraction to men. But this attraction comes with the normal anxiety, at which if I fight the anxiety and let the attraction happens, I find that I am more receptive to cute guys and actually checking them out.

Now to top it off and finish this up, When I am out, girls catch my eye. But it is any girls, not just attractive ones; The reason I bring this up is because when I was going through all my tribulations, I would force myself to check girls out in public, to become more "like a guy"; So its hard to tell if it is attraction or habit? Also, pornography concerns, I watch both, but it is easier to get off on straight porn....But I CANNOT watch lesbian porn.....has to be a male in the scene?

Thank you for your concern.....Thank you for the place to vent, and thank you for taking the time to read this. It needs to be read in its entirety to discern what is going on....

Am I just emotionally fucked up?

 

I am actually going to start seeing a counselor when i can get one lined up; I have a lesbian friend that was seeing one and spoke VERY highly of her; So I am going to attempt to get with the same one;

Honestly, I think I am straight, with some anxiety issues that push me to guys because guys are easy. I dont know WHY, but part of my psych wants to be gay, and maybe I am trying to force it? Who knows....I know....reversed isn't it...

Maybe it is remnants of my "Sense of Self" journey when i was younger; Maybe the sexual difficulties I experiance with girls because of the anxiety make me question it, (even though the attraction is STRONG with females, and barely there with guys)

But then again, That is today; I wrote the post yesterday, which was in the end of my "crazy gay" week long stint....which is how it happens, appears and disappears out of the blue.

So you seen both sides, a day where I am questioning everything, trying to "Force" the gay for fear that I am actually gay but my psych isnt allowing it to happen. And then today, where I am damn confident that I am straight with emotional baggage tied with guys.

So in the end, expressing myself on here probably helped end the stint and let me get back on track with my feelings, emotions, and attractions. And I am going to take the "No Labels" approach as much as i can; But as my mood fluctuates, Ill be back...roflmao

P.S. No, I do not believe that i am bipoler, moody from day to day...but rather mentally stable!

P.S.S. I am actually diagnosed with Anxiety through the military, so alot of things are making sense.

 

Hmmm, it happened again this weekend....

I went canoing with my family; My mothers new guy had a son that my heart doubled over and had a seizure...or so it felt. He was GORGEOUS and he sings....and laughs...

Some self-learning I have done this weekend, I am really uptight, and find it extremely hard to loosen up. This is probably hand in hand with my anxiety with maybe rooted in control...who knows....Need to find that damn therapist... I doubt they can tell me something I dont already know, but maybe they can help me confirm it and give me avenues to work through it.

Thanks for letting me vent!