In this stupid closet

Hi you guys! I'm not really sure how I start this off, but it's pretty much going to be a story of my life so far. I am writing this because hopefully I will get the courage to do something about it.

To start off, I am a 20 years old Asian-American guy. I am currently sophomore at a university on the east coast of Virginia. I was actually born in a refugee camp in Hong Kong prior to moving to the United States at 3. Growing up my family was very poor and and we were on all type of welfare. After my parents divorced when I was 8, and my family relocated to the west side of Virginia. Even though I did not have the dream childhood, I remember it being very fun. I love school, especially high school, and my family was so loving. I was brought up in a wonderful family even though I only have a single mom. I also have 2 sisters and 3 brothers. Even though we all get into fights all the time, we all love each other very much and I am so proud of how they are raised and are today. Anyways I always knew I was attracted to guys. I remember having the slightest crush on this one kid in 3rd grade. That's my first recollection of knowing I was gay. Like I said I am 20 years old know, but I never question my sexuality. I knew what I was, and was fine with it....well there has to be some nights where it might have been tough...but for the most part I was fine with who I am. I was not ashamed of my sexuality. That being say, I am still not out yet. I thought that I would have came out in high school. I was very involved in high school, I ran two blood drive my senior year. I've taken many AP/college credit courses. I was on the Swim team, homecoming court, prom court....all that good stuffs. You can say that I was some what popular. People always knew me as very outspoken. I try to be as most outspoken as I can, because deep down I always had something to hide, and it was the fact that I was gay. Therefore being outspoken would balance it all out. I've always thought I would come out in high school, but it never happened....which is fine. It was a great experience and I learned so much from it.

Here I am in college now. My first year here was absolutely amazing. I made so many new friends, and I made many extremely close friends.....especially my roommate. Overall, my first year was fantastic. I was never worry about anything other than grades.

Now I am in the last 3 weeks of my sophomore year....and it seems like it would never finish. Many people would say that I achieved so much this year. I was crown the Homecoming Prince at a school of over 26,000 people. I was honored to received an award by the President of the university. I have 2 prestigious jobs on campus, and on the executive board for 3 organizations. Looking bad I know I achieved a lot in one year. My friends are always excited for all the accomplishments I have made, and I can humbly thanks them back. I have a lots of friends. I am doing well in all my classes. I am paying for all my tuition alone and is becoming independent. From a side view, it looks like I really have my life together. Everyone always see my laughing and smiling and on the move for just about everything going on on campus, but deep down, no one knows how lonely I've felt. I can honestly said that I have been depressed for the last 4 months now.

I can't believe that even though I am in college now, I still cannot be honest with myself and those around me. I just can't get out of this stupid closet. Again, I am very comfortable with who I am, but I can't seem to do it. I know everyone around me, including my families would not judge me. They would treat me the same way and love me for who I am. I think the hardest part about coming out is not because you are scare of people treating you different or the remarks you might received. It's more about wandering how this would affects your love one. I would never want to make my mom explains to her friends and relative about her son being "gay". I just don't want to put her through that.

I've never felt the need to date someone. I always told myself, education and opportunities come first and dating comes second. I was just going to wait til' after college is over to find someone......I cannot wait anymore. I want to be in a relationship. I want to experience what love is. I want to love someone so much with what I have to offer and I hope to received that love back. Lately, I just been feeling very lonely coming home having no one next to you in bed. No one to cuddle with me in the middle of the night. No one to give me their jacket when it's cold. No one.....well you get the point. I think I am an average looking guy and would not have a problem finding a "boyfriend", but it's hard to find someone when you are not making yourself available.

(sorry if there're many grammatical errors. I am writing really quick)

---------- Post added 17th Apr 2014 at 09:50 PM ----------

Well during the middle of posting the my entry. I was too upset to write anymore....so I called my sister. I called her, but she didn't picked up. So I ended skyping her instead. It's actually her birthday today. I started off wishing her a "Happy Birthday", and we had the normal catching up conversations for the first half. (oh ps: My sister is 2 years older then me and she lives in Florida so I don't often see her, but we are extremely close.) During our conversation, she knew something was wrong. I told her, I really wanted to skype her to tell her something that I've hidden for awhile. Her initial l response was "Did you get a girl pregnant?" lol. After a long pause...a REALLY LONG PAUSE...at this point she was already crying because she knew it must have to be a big deal. Well I ended up telling her "I'm gay". She laugh and asked if I was joking. She said she doesn't care about my sexuality. I will always be her brother. She also said she had hints that I was gay also. BLAH BLAH BLAH....the normal conversations happened. I cried a little bit and she cried a little bit. Everything was great! I am so proud of what I did today. Even though it all happened in probably 30 minutes, this day will change my life forever. I can't believed I been holding in this big secret...especially to the people that I love and love me back no matter what. I finally have the courage to tell my entire families and start telling my close friends....and eventually the whole world.


(ps: She also mention that my mom have asked her before. She said "I think mom thinks you are gay too, and she told me she would love you just as much. You are her favorite. She said that my mom said she wish I would just tell her already")

This weekend, I am definitely telling her. I feel amazing right now. Thank you everyone for reading this.

 

Thank you so much. Yes I have an amazing family! I have many friends who was not as lucky as me, growing up in such a loving family, so I will never take them granted. I hope you will have an amazing day!

---------- Post added 17th Apr 2014 at 10:46 PM ----------

Thank you so much Linco! You know it's writing these type of entries and receiving the very accepting and welcoming feedbacks like yours makes me feel like I am on the right track in life. My family is so loving. Thank you again for replying to my message...it has to have been a hard read because when I just read it back now.....let's just say it wasn't so easy. I hope you have a good day.

 

Thank you so much! It's amazing how someone else who doesn't know you from around the world really cares.

---------- Post added 18th Apr 2014 at 10:36 AM ----------

Thank you A1rborne! How are you doing? Are you successfully out? What were the reactions you got? I hope it was positive!

 

Well I have my brother here with me for 2 days. He's turning 17th this year, and he is visiting some colleges and my school is one of the top choices for him. I knew he was going to come here for awhile now, but after telling my sister I was gay, I figure this would be a great opportunity.....WELL I DID IT!!!!! ahaha I feel so proud of myself every time I tell someone close to me that I really care about. It's a great feeling. He was so cool about it. He was like "okay"...and that was the end of the conversation. It was just so normal to him. I had to force him to asked me more questions.........I love my family. 2 down already. I still have 3 more siblings to tell, my mom, and my grandparents. Wish me luck everyone. PS: I've been building up a really big reputation for myself, I really hope I can give my brother a legacy when he enters the university so It'll make the transition easier for him.

 

It is currently 4:36 in the morning right now. I am finishing up studying for my test tomorrow in ECON 202. Around 2am-ish....I felt the need to just tell my mom that I am gay. I don't know why, but I just had to do it. I facetime her and told her everything. I cannot believe I just did that. I've always thought I would have to live a fake live for the rest of my life. Get marry with a girl and have children. I can't believe how far I've come as tell those around me. I just told my older sister, younger brother, and now my mom. I feel so accomplish. This was a hard conversation though. We talked for almost 2 hours. I told her that there was something I've always hid from her and that I was gay. The first thing she told me was "Why do you feel the need to follow this path, is it because of the social media and how mainstream it was getting?". I was so sure that she would be understanding that I just cried right there in front of her for a solid 5 minutes. I was so scared that the rest of the conversation would end badly. I told her this is not a path that I would have choose for myself, it's how God made me. I started crying more, saying that I've never wanted to tell her because I don't want to make her sad, disappointed, or not feel proud of her son anymore. She later went on saying that she was just trying to test that I wasn't just "trying to be gay". She said she knows that I am made this way by God. She said she is worry about my future because this is a hard path. She also said she loves me even more for keeping in this secret for such a long time. She said she knows how painful this must have been on me. (Which it has). The biggest thing that got to me was "I know how much you love kids. I am so sorry you won't have any kids in your future." I knew that having my own children would never be possible, but hearing that really broke my heart, but I know adoption is always possible. Overall my mom said she loves me and accepting of who I am and what my sexuality is. I cried soooo much tonight. Everything turned out great though. I am so glad to have such a warm, loving, and caring mom.

 

Thank you for those words of encouragement. I hope you smile more often. I don't know what you look like, but i'm sure it's a good look for you. I hope to fine him one day. I am just going to take it slow right now

---------- Post added 25th Apr 2014 at 07:57 PM ----------

Thank you so much!

---------- Post added 25th Apr 2014 at 07:57 PM ----------

Thank you so much Camerooon!

---------- Post added 25th Apr 2014 at 07:58 PM ----------

Thank you for your concern! I hope I did well also. I actually had a pretty good day.

---------- Post added 25th Apr 2014 at 07:59 PM ----------

Thank you! Yes my family is amazing.

---------- Post added 25th Apr 2014 at 07:59 PM ----------

I can't believe how fast I am going either. Thank you Linco!

 

Ughhh I can't seem to find the right time to tell my grandparents. I am so ready to tell them, but I want to tell them in person. Since it's finals week at my school, they won't be coming to visit me in awhile. They are the last people I want to tell before telling the whole world(facebook status). Do you think I should wait to tell them first???