Hi I'm 20 years old, and I keep thinking I could be gay, I've never been sexually attracted to any male before, but now I don't know if I'm repressing something. I have always been strongly attracted to women, but in high school never had a gf, I would fantasize alot about having sex with the girls I found hot. I've always had alot of guy friends, and I've always thought they were much more experienced than me, and better with girls than me. Then I went to college, and the same pattern followed, I was attracted to alot of girls but couldn't follow through with anything, note: one of my roommates was bi and the other was gay, never really thought anything of it, after the first year of college, I took acid with my college friend and his friend, IDK how it happened, but all I remember is we were tripping going for a hike, and then the idea of me being gay got in my head, then for the next hour I left them and thought hell and devil was coming to earth and I was the only human left, I called my mom and her and my dad picked me up, went we got back to my house I stopped thinking about, and nothing really happened in the next few weeks, but after I became unemployed, I was doing nothing for weeks, and started becoming obsessed with the idea of if my gay, I also kept thinking about my best friend and his life, his was the cool kid I guess in high school always got all the girls, and I keep wondering if I'm in love with him, everywhere I go I keep thinking everyone is tryna tell me I'm gay, I've been put on anti depressants and have not done anything but watch tv, and then very recently I forced myself to think of two of my guy friends kissing and having sex, it turned me off, but then I started fantazing about my best friend giving me head, and I continued, but it felt wierd and wrong, idk if I'm becoming okay with being gay or still confused, I also keep thinking if I was gay I would kill myself, and also that makes me think I'm going through those stages denial bargaining grief, Please help me, and let me know what you think my sexual orientation is
You could be having OCD, some people get obsessed with the idea they might be gay over night, and they will do anything to prove if they are, but most of the time it just worsens and you get more confused. That might be the best bet because of what you describe you definitely like girls, and thinking about guys turns you off. Do you have any previous incidents related to OCD?
I thought about OCD too, but like you asked, I don't think I've ever had OCD, I do have ADD, and extreme hard time focusing idk ---------- Post added 21st Apr 2014 at 09:59 PM ---------- And I feel like everyone thinks I'm in extreme denial, and there all just waiting for me to realize Im gay, does this seem like denial?
I don't think ADD is related to this. Also OCD doesn't have to be extreme or something you had to take treatment for. Personally I always need to wash my hands whenever I touch something, and when I can't I get a bit iffy but it doesn't affect my everyday life. Do you have something like that? I read that males have more chances of having OCD and I don't think there's any age when you might start having one. I'll need to check on this info though.
Well I always feel like I need to be in control of everything, one sign of OCD I saw was being a hypochondriac which I can relate a little, but as for having things a certain way idk I'm very disororgaized person, but I like being organized but can't stick with it, and tbh I think your trying to help me realize I'm gay, is that true, or am I realizing I'm gay? It's so blurry I don't understand this and it's keeping me from doing anything constructive
Oh no, by no means, only you can say for sure. I'm in no way saying you might be gay, I personally don't like to do that because it can confuse the person more than it's needed. If I go by what you posted I find no indication whatsoever that you are gay. One important aspect is that you should atleast feel sexually aroused by other guys. Do you? By what you posted you said you don't. But, what makes you think you maybe gay? Is there other things you could write that might indicate you are? Also, about being organized, you could say it's like my problem with cleaning my hands, you feel it there but it doesn't trouble you if you are not organized.
I've always had many friends, but now I can't chill with them cause Im scarred that it will turn me gay being around guys, and it's making me think if I've had crushes on my friends and repressed the sexual aspect, the idea of sex with another man seems wrong and just not satisfying, but idk if that's cause I'm in deniAl, like why would I have to keep thinking about it, I'm at a crossroads right now, all my friends r at college or have jobs, and I'm just sitting here, I can't remember if my feelings towards girls were real or not, and idk if I'm losing my connection with girls, cause I've always found it easier to connect with guys, but never sexually, I think I'm insecure and not confident when it comes to girls, and now idk if getting with girls would be right, when I go out I notice girls find them hot and sexual, but there's just a mental block about pursuing, and my family knows I'm having trouble I've told my parents that I keep thinking I'm gay, and they assure me they don't think that, but are they in denial about their son being gay? I know it upset my dad and it would upset me as we'll, cause I just never can connect with women besides sexually I'm very inexper, and I always feel nervous and anxious around them and feel like a pervert, and now idk if that's cause Im a repressed gay, would I know Im gay? Would my parents know I'm gay? Would my friends? If not know, but at the least think, I asked my best friend and he said he didn't think so but idk if he's just trying to help me in the temporary, I think this all started when I met this girl at college who I cared for deeply a d I thought about her sexually, but didn't want to anymore cause I cared for her more than sexually, but idk if she just helped me realize I'm gay, cuz the thing was I only talks to her twice, I saw her alot were In this group together, but she never wanted to meet up, then much later i told her she made me feel, but she said nothing about liking me or wanting to be with me, she was this nice girl smiles alot plays music, and I just fell in love with her, but I barely knew her ---------- Post added 21st Apr 2014 at 10:32 PM ---------- Btw thanks for taking the time to read this and help, I finally cracked and posted on one of these sites, I've been reading alot of them, but nothing is giving me an answer
You're welcome I don't mind at all. Let me tell you a bit about myself and see if you have felt the same way as I did. Maybe it will help you a bit. When I was a kid I always liked girls. I had crushes on them, I even had this girl I used to kiss :lol: When I started elementary school other kids(guys obviously) started bullying me because I looked effeminate, so they called me gay. This happened until high school(it was a lot less though), all of this caused me to question If I really liked girls or if I was gay like they said. After the bullying got worse at middle school(and I knew what gay meant) the way I looked at guys changed and I would get aroused thinking about them. The only thing that made me deny everything was that I liked this friend of mine(a girl). I would get nervous around her, I would smile and feel the butterflies people talk about, but I never went for it because she liked someone else. I never felt this way towards guys before, it was always sexual towards them. First year of college(still denying) I saw guys and thought "he's cute, or hot, etc" but I still saw girls and felt the same way. So after some time, to this year, I saw my crush from elementary school(which I have seen a couple of times before) and I felt the same way I felt towards my previous crush(from middle school) I felt nervous, the butterflies, felt like smiling, etc. And this made me realize that I did like girls. I came to understand that I didn't felt much arousal because I felt guilty about objectifying them to please my sexual desires, so I decided to stop doing it. With guys is different. So I guess I'm demisexual in case of girls(it means you'll only feel sexually connected to someone after you have made a bond with them). I have to say that I thought my attraction to girls was not real, but after experiencing that with my old crush, I realized that those feelings were real. I had my first boy crush this year too, so I had no more denying to do and I accepted the fact that I liked guys too. Read it, and let me know if you have felt something like this, not everything, but something you can relate too. Also, I have never kissed before, no sex(virgin here) and I have never had a girlfriend or boyfriend, in my case, before. So I don't think inexperience is the problem. Maybe you didn't felt that those girls were the correct one. Personally, I haven't had a gf or bf because, I want to find the person I feel I can spent all my life with. I still haven't let go of my dream of marrying a girl and have kids, and being bisexual, at least to me, makes me feel happy because I always thought I was gay, meaning that my dream could not be fulfilled. But being bisexual means I can. I'm not trying to deny my attraction to guys, I just don't feel like acting on those feelings. I don't think you can become gay by being around guys. Some people like the same sex since they were kids, others find out when they hit puberty, and others are just open to experimenting. So, you can't become gay, but you might be interested on it(which doesn't seem to be your case at all) and that makes you a bit flexible on your orientation. Take your time to think about this, try to inspect your crushes, how you felt about other guys when you were younger. Also, remember to differentiate attraction from admiration, which seems to be what you feel towards your friends. You see in them the guy you want to be. Again, take your time and answer me honestly so I can help you understand a bit more.
Yes I relate to that a little, I never had a sexual exp with a guy, until I forced myself to think recently, I feel connected with my guy friends not sexually, but intimitally I guess, I've only felt sexually towards women and wanting to be with them, but I've never formed an actually connection with them, I'm questioning myself now of my guy freed relationships I. The past now, and if there has ever been something sexual, I honestly don't think there has, I just feel very nervous and insecure around women, and maybe that's the answer, but the question eats away at me, and I think about my closestes relationships with my guy friends, and I keep questioning if there is anything else there, if there's any roads I want to go down, (sexual) and the idea disgusts me, but that makes me go to me thinking I'm losing my sense of reality, and distinguishing feelings, does this sound like denial, does that fact that I ask that sound like denial? In my heart I feel I'm just admiring, but also can't distinguish my heart from my thoughts,
You don't sound like someone on denial. You are very clear on some things about yourself, you like girls sexually, physically, emotionally; when you think about sexual things with guys you feel disgusted, you don't feel aroused by it, and you feel that you admire your male friends. You also have trouble connecting with girls, is this on an emotional level, as in, you can't relate to them, you feel you can't understand them, you are afraid of rejection maybe? I think everything sums up to you being insecure about yourself, and there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone has been there, even the most beautiful person that could exist will feel insecure about themselves when they dive into something they have no experience in. In your case, a relationship with a girl, this may be causing you to admire your friends because they exude confidence, they have girlfriends, and those are thing you lack for now. Also many guys have such great friendship that it goes beyond friendship, not sexually,but maybe you are just emotionally attached to your guy friends because you feel more related to them. I think you should work on boosting your confidence, try and be more open around girls. You can start with friends, feel comfortable around them, learn about what they like or don't like(remember this doesn't always apply to every girl), just try to get the general idea of what a girl is. Maybe when you feel more confident you can try to find a relationship, just remember that you will feel nervous, anxious, because you don't know about it, but that can become your opportunity to learn. Lastly, just remember that our brain can confuse things, but it is up to us to realize the difference. I'm pretty sure you know you are not gay, you just have to believe that that is your truth. There is nothing wrong in appreciating beauty on a person, there is nothing wrong on admiring things other people have because you lack them, this doesn't mean that you love every person you admire. Love goes beyond that, and I can't say with words what that is because I haven't felt it before, but I'm sure that you and I will know once we feel it. If you have anything more you would like help with, feel free to leave a message on my wall or here. I'll be checking this thread and I hope I have been of some help to you. A hug for you (*hug*) I'm sure you will succeed on this, you just need time and confidence, just believe in who you are, because only you know that. People may say whatever they want, but only you know what is the truth about you
I tried posting on your wall earlier butting wouldn't let me, my parents think the same to, and I Im just gonna try no resume my life I guess, the confidence think is key I key, Nd even if things don't trun up how I want whatever I guess, all I can say is thanks man, I'm just in a rut and need to work myself out of it, much love ---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2014 at 01:06 AM ---------- Theres a part of me that I can't explain that keeps telling me I'm gay, l thought you can trust the voice in your head, but i think I'm just gonna follow my heart from now on it seems hard but going with the flow of things seems more right then dwelling on ideas that I can't prove, Im just venting at this point and in guess that's how it started but, idk I just need to get out there and do more than just sit in my basement playing gtar, and dwelling, and if it turns out im gay whatever I guess I'm just gonna have to deal with it some how, I really don't thnk I am, but i guess uncertainty is a part of life, cause I don't know what do in my life right now cause it feels like I don't have anything, but that's not th right way to think, I guess I just need to start taking steps towards something i believe in
If it comes to a time where you end up gay, which doesn't seem the case, then don't feel bad about it. You seem to be very accepting to this community and just remember that we are all here going through the whole denial, and the confusing and uncertainty about ourselves . Sometimes we can trust that voice, but when mind and heart are not connected you have to try an understand why that could be happening. For now, it just seem to be your mind has interpreted incorrectly your admiration towards your guy friends. Anyways, I'm glad that you have come to understand yourself more, it's fine to do things you like, but it's good to go out and have a social life. And that is the way to find that special person, you don't have to find desperately for her, but waiting and doing nothing won't change much. Thank you for letting me, someone who doesn't know much either, to help you out. I'm glad I was of help to some of your problems and worries. What I can say now is, do your best, work on those little insecurities and I'm sure everything will be fine.
We are all part of the world! Gay , straight. bi. lesbian. transgender. This makes no difference in this world we are all part of it, The thing is we are here for a short time and all have to make the best of it. reguardless of what your mind tells you about your sexuality to satisfy your body for that short period of excitement, seconds-minutes! All in all start living your life now!
