Very unusual story- am I gay??

Hi. This is going to be fairly long as its important for me to get this off my chest and gain some advice.

Im 32 and have been absolutely obsessed and worrying constantly everyday over my sexual orientation since age 25 in 2007. It's on my mind everyday. No exaggeration.

As a small child I was gender normative, liked playing sports, playing with boys toys, was popular in elementary school etc, was on the sports teams. I had male friends mostly and we played sports for fun.

I started masturbating (well rubbing myself up against the bed) age 9 or 10. I had no idea what I was doing but it felt nice. I never thought of girls or boys doing this. This continued until I was maybe 13 or 14 yrs old.

At age 12 I switched elementary schools or whatever school you call it in america. I was a new boy in class (all boys school). For some reason I was bullied and picked on everyday by many in the class and was called faggott and queer and other derogatory gay names. At the time I didnt think anything of it apart from feeling sad about being bullied. I was called this everyday for 2 yrs, but during this time I gradually became more popular as I was good at sports and am funny. But a few people still continued to call me gay. Like I said sex wasn't on my mind at all back then so I never thought it meant anything about myself. I remember during this time in school I drew a picture of a naked woman and pretended to like it to get them off my back. I was 12 at the time. I had no crush on any girl or boy at this time.

During high school I was one of the more popular kids. It was an all boys school. We had to change in the locker rooms for Physical Education class. I never recall feeling any attraction or crushes for any boys all through my 6 yrs in high school. I left high school age 19. I started masturbating properly when I was 14 1/2. It was the first time I did it the way I do now. Around this time I started to get curious about girls. Thats how I describe it. I remmeber watching Wimbledon and seeing the women players in their mini skirts and lovely legs. I think I masturbated to that. I also masturbated about girls I saw on tv and thoughts of my female teachers. I never had any thoughts of boys. Around 15 my sex drive started to kick up a notch or two. I was masturbating regularly about girls. Maybe 1-2 times per day. Mostly it was magazine pictures of lingerie models and fantasies of girls. I remember being on vacation age 15 and looking at girls and checking them out and masturbating to the thoughts of them when I went to bed that night. I loved it.

I didnt have a social life around my home area which was quite away from school. I lost many of my neighbour friends age 13 as I think some of them thought I was gay. I have no idea why and didnt suspect this was the reason at the time. Only in hindsight. I never found any of them attractive. Anyway I had no interaction with girls whatsoever during my teens. But I really looked forward to the day I would have sex with a girl. I should note I have never once kissed or experimented in any way whatsoever with another guy in my life.

From age 15-19 I was fantasising everyday 2-3 times per day about sex with girls. By age 19 I was dying to have sex. I went to my first nightclub age 18. I remember seeing a really hot ass on this girls and was dying to touch and feel it but no girls were interested in me. Im maybe a 6 out of 10 in the looks dept. I was also shy and scared of girls. One time a not so great looking girl came onto me strongly during the day when I was 18. I was terrified and scared of going off with her. She clearly wanted sex. I had no experience plus I was kind of a mama's boy and didnt want my mom finding out about me seeing girls. I never talked about sex or my crushes. They were always very personal and never talked about them to family, siblings or friends. I was embarassed by them. But they were all for girls. I remember the girl from Happy Days and I found her cute but would switch over the channel if my mom or dad walked in as I didnt want them to know I was checking out girls. I suppose in their eyes I was a sweet innocent baby and I liked when my mom would treat me like her baby. I didnt want to change that I guess. I didnt want to grow up.

I would masturbate to pics of girls whenever I got the chance and felt aroused seeing boobs or sex scenes on tv involving girls. I would stay up late and sneekily look up some satellite channels that had mild porn. I would literally blow my load at times seeing a hot secretary take off her panties.

One time age 18 I fantasised about having sex with a male friend. I was curious and just wanted to try it. I climaxed and never did it again. Just wanted to see what it was like.

Age 19 I was at a niteclub. I still had yet to kiss a girl. There was this girl dancing in front of me and I was dying to get with her. I distinctly remember feeling such a strong urge to ravish her and feel her ass and tits. Anyway I went up to her and managed to get her to kiss me. I remember being slightly disappointed by the kiss and the feel of her boobs as I had always imagined they felt solid and rubbery and nice but hers were like empty sacks of air. Anyway she gave me her number and I started to have a bout of anxiety. I was afraid my mom would find out I was up to no good. I know looking back this is crazy but at the time this is how I felt. I wanted to keep all my sexual stuff a secret. I deleted the number from my phone when I got home.

A few weeks later i started to feel quite sick. After some blood tests my doc said I had mono or mononucleosis or Glandular fever. I got really sick. I was confined to bed for 2 months. I started to get depressed. During the latter stages of my recovery when I was starting to feel better I was in bed and tried to masturbate to thoughts of a girl. For the first time ever it didnt get fully rigid and I climaxed from a slightly soft erection. I thpught nothing of it and thought it was down to the sickness. My erections improved slightly as I fully recovered but I noticed the erections had become permanently softer. They were not rock hard like they were before I got sick.

I heard it takes a long time to recover from mono so I didnt worry too much and assumed in time all would return to normal down there. after 2 yrs of no improvement I became more worried. I had attempted sex with 2 girls and it didnt get hard enough to penetrate. Looking back I was also a bit anxious from performance anxieety too but I still couldn't get 100% hard during my solo masturbation sessions where there was no pressure. This went on for 4 yrs before I saw a doc about it. He sent me to a urologist in 2005. I had impotence from 2001. Anyway the urologist did some tests and said I had leaking veins and said I would need a mechanical implant down there to get erections. I was devastated. Around 2004 onwards my sex drive gradually declined. I was kissing girls in niteclubs and getting soft erections but would make my excuses and leave when it came to going back to hers for sex. I knew I wouldnt get it up so I avoided it. After a couple years by 2006 I stopped trying to hook up with girls altogether. Sex made me depressed. I didnt want to think about it. I was 24 yrs old and should be having the time of my life and I couldnt even enjoy masturbating anymore. It even became hard to get it up for that.
After seeing the 1st urologist I went to another for a 2nd opinion. He did a quick doppler test and injected me with drugs to get an erection which only gave me a pathetic tiny semi. I was amazed when he told me there was nothing wrong with me. If that was the cas ewhy am I not getting any erections at all I thought. No nocturnal erections, no spontaneous arousals, even rubbing it masturbating didnt get me peoperly hard.
My local doc had sent me to see a family psychologist just before I saw this 2nd urologist. He had asked 'was I gay?' which I laughed off as even during the impotence and avoiding sex I was yearning to be loved by a girl and wanted a happy relationship with a girl more than anything.
After the 2nd urologist told me there was nothing wrong I started to question everything. One night in bed shorlty after I tried as usual to masturbate about a girl but couldnt get it up despite rubbing it. My sex drive was rock bottom and sex made me depressed. I was missing out and began to resent sex. Anyway the thought popped into my head ''maybe I am gay and thats why it wont work?''. So I tried masturbating to thoughts of a guy and was freaked out when I started to get a much better reaction than I had in ages. Not 100% hard like before I got sick but significantly better than I had gotten in the past 18 months. I climaxed to see what it felt like and it felt better too. More like what I used to experience years before.

I totally freaked out and went into a total panic. ''Oh my god I'm gay!''
I literlally ran down the stairs and called my mom. I was 25 now and had grown out of my innocent little boy thing by this time. She knew about my erection problems and had accompanied me to the hospital on a couple of occasions to see the urologists. I told her I was convinced I was gay and she told menot to worry that I wasnt and that that didnt mean anything. This was April 2007. A few months earlier I had got my first laptop and had internet on tap. It was 2am but I started frantically searching ''am I gay?''

Most of the stuff was ''you are what you masturbate about'' but I had just jerked off tyo a guy successfully and it felt better than it had to girls fotr the past 18 months. I searched for a few hours. I couldn't sleep. I totally had massive anxiety.

I was in college the next day and suddenly from never checking out a guy in my life before I was suddenly getting strong groinal sensations to EVERY guy I saw and had this sensation in my butt hole that stayed for a month. I interpreted it as some sign from my body that I wanted a cock in my butt. The groinals were terrifying. Maybe I should call them arousals but I am not sure if they were or not. With girls before I geot a relaxed erection and it fel pleasant, This felt like my muscles in my groin were gripped in a vice like grip with a semi but this horrible sensation like I wanted to ejaculate. It was a mixture of a massive anxiety attack intermingled with arousal. Thats what it felt like anyway. I would get absolutely terrified when I would be chatting to a guy and this feeling in my groin suddenly came on. I had never gotten them before. I had never ever thought of guys in a sexual way and now I was a total gay!

Guys who were ugly, old men and it seems anything that made me worry about being gay brought on this horrible groinal feeling. I had a slight semi but the sensation was my dick was out of control and my body was raping me. I was obsessed with my sexual orientation. I was convinced I was gay and was so so so depresssed I wanted to die. I told my parents and they said we dont think you are gay but if you are we would still love you but that made me worse. I didnt want to be gay. I was in a constant state of terror and could hardly get through the day. I was doing very important exams during this time and couldnt concentrate and totally lost interest in doing well. I wanted to die. I had always longed for a girl and now I would be doomed to a life of horrible gay sex urges and would have to give into them.

Everyday I would test myself constantly. I would picture me having sex with a girl and get my usual softish erection without touching. Then I would switch to thoughts of having sex with a guy. No reaction. Numbness and boredom down there. I would do this over and over and over for months and the years ahead.

Like I said I had recently just got the internet which gave me access to porn for the first time. I had 3 months of it before the gay fears kicked in. I was addicted to straight porn. I masturbtaed to it and feared I was a pervert and I couldnt stop doing it which worried me. I got very aroused but still not rock hard like my teens. It never even occured to me to look at gay porn. Anyway since my fears started I decided I had to look at it to check. First it was pictures of gay sex but I didnt get aroused. Then I doubted myself saying I had to look at a viseo to see. Still no arousal. Then I doubted myself again. I had to actually rub my dick as I looked at it. I couldnt get hard and found what I saw disgusting to be honest. I felt some relief that maybe I wasn't gay afterall.

I was still getting strong groinals dring this time and they would make me so scared and depressed. I would check my penis in the toilet after a chat with a guy to see if I had grown. Mostly it had but wasnt an erection. I would go home and masturbate to thoughts of men to test if I could get rock hard like my teenage years. I never did but found the new sexual content scary but gave me better erections and orgasms. When I would be rubbing one out to a guy I would be really scared as I was doing it and was really hoping not to get aroused. Then I started thinking that I was mentally blocking the arousal to guys because I was in denial or couldnt accept myself so I really tried to enjoy it and get into it but still couldnt get rock hard although as I said the new fantasies however repulsive to me they were did improve my erections somewhat. I kept thinking because of the urologist that I was just repressed and that if I kept trying to jerk to guys I would get my old rock hard erections back and I would know for sure that the impotence was a mental issue and that I was just gay the whole time. I never got that answer.
In summer 2007 my mom seeing how depressed I was over this topic researched the web and discovered hocd. It made sense to me but I still didnt believe it. It was too good to be true and so I continued to believe I was gay but just repressed with internalised homophobia. I kept testing everyday numerous times. I fantasised and looked at so much gay porn and tried as hard as I could to get a reaction to it. I didnt want to be gay and would be scared into testing myself with it but I had to know because I was going crazy worrying constantly about it. I never got 100% hard. Gay porn never got me aroused and it gave me relief for a while until I started doubting again and would have to check again. I eventually climaxed to it with a soft penis. Soemtimes it would get fairly hard maybe 80% hard but still I hated doing it. The doubts still eat away at me. I was repressing it somehow. I need to relax and enjoy it. Still I could climax if I really tried but it wasnt getting me excited or very horny. The odd time it would cause a higher arousal where I might come quickly but when I checked with straight porn it was more arousing and I could get my semi just by looking at it where as the gay stuff just looking did nothing for me.

In 2008 I went to america to see a urologist who specialised in erections. He did many tests and said I had a physical problem. I felt fantastic! I wasn't gay it was a physical problem! I told him my gay fears. He told me his son was gay and that was ok. I nearly died. I didnt want to be gay. My heart sunk.

For a while I felt reassured but I kept doubting. Ok maybe there is a physical problem but Im getting these strong groinal sensations when I see guys. I was obviously aroused by them. It had to mean something. These groinals terrified me and would cause me to go home to check by masturbating to the thought of what caused the feeling. I still couldnt get properly hard.

In 2009 I started treatment with a ocd doc in new york via skype. I told him my story and he said I had ocd or as some say hocd. I had before my gay fears had obsessions but not the handwashing or checking locks. I would have health anxiety and latch onto illnesses and be convinced I had them. I was a frequent visitor to my doctor from age 10 with some fear of cancer, Multiple sclerosis or aids. actually I was really scared I had contracted aids after my first attempt at sex with a girl age 20. she was a virgin but my dick touched her vagina for a second or two and I went for an aids test. I had to wait 3 months for that and in that time I was scared I was going to die.

Anyway I did believe hima t first it was ocd but I continued to get these groinals to guys. I would tell him each week that I was convinced I was gay and he would laugh. After a while I improved but didnt recover totally. the groinals lessened but I continued to test by masturbating. Gay v straight. Which one made me more aroused. Most of the time striagh, sometimes I got a very good orgasm from the gay thoughts. It would make me depressed and freak out.

after a year I stopped seeing him. I felt better. I felt more sure of myself but still got anxious every no and then from seeing a guy.

In 2012 I had surgery on my penis to try to improve the bloodflow. It improved my erections slightly but still didnt really work. I met a girl and we had a long distance relationship for 1.5 yrs and I had sex with her with viagra. Evern with viagra it wasn't 100% hard but it would stay at 70-80% hard. At least I could have sex and it was satisfactory. I really loved her. Anyway she vroke up with me. in 2011 I had more ocd therapy with one of the lesser ocd therapists at the new york clinic. I told her I was definitely gay or was convinced anyway.

I had constant doubts. Would hooking up with a guy get me really really aroused?? Would gay sex be much much better than straight sex?? Oh no I had to be gay.

These doubts would make me test again and again to gay thoughts. I still couldnt get an answer. I looked at more and more gay porn. If I didnt rub it I wouldnt get aroused. I had to really work it to come.

In 2013 I noticed I started to gradually get more of a reaction to the gay porn. Straight porn became totally boring. I even tied looking at gay porn after taking some viagra to see if I could get 100% hard. No I couldn't. But gay porn was now no longer disgusting and I could sometimes get a bit aroused by some of it. Enough to get off if I rubbed one out. I felt ashamed and sad after though. But that wore off too. Now I feel like 'meh'.

I used to love straight porn but now its nothing to me. Im 32 now. I no longer get any reaction to seeing straight porn. If I am alone in bed with my girl I get it up to have sex but my sex drive is very very low now again and Im anxious and depressed. Guys give me groinals consistently. I get tingly testicles/scrotum and my perineum tightens and I feel as if an erection is coming on but it never does, it just sells a bit. In the last year the groinals are getting more frequent and intense. They scare the crap out of me when they happen. I am worried they are evolving and that my true gay self is trying to break through and that sooner or later I will be getting massively aroused by guys and boners to them. Im scared of these sensations and am scared I will have to have sex with guys to get rid of the feeling or live a horrible repressed lfe gettig horrible sexual urges.

I have been terrified of being gay 7yrs now. I have tied accpeting it but when I get turned on by a guy or feel as if I am getting turned on (its hard to tell when you dont get proper erections) I get scared and have to ask my parents for reassurance. I keep telling them that Im convinced Im gay. I ask numerous times a day if they think Im gay.

I am thinking of going back into ocd therapy but I dont think its ocd anymore or maybe its ocd but Im gay anyway so what good will it do?

Recently a gay guy came onto me in a niteclub. He was good looking but I didnt like his advances and it weirded me out. I brushed him off pretty quick. I went to the toilet after a while and he was the only one oi there and I couldnt pee because he was looking at me hoping to make out with me and god knows what. I zipped up and nearly ran out the door. It was a straight niteclub btw.

The last few days Ive really tried to stop trying to get my hopes up about being straight and stick to masturbating about guys. I looked up twinks and got fairly aroused the last 3 nights and could come with stimulation no problem. Got 80% hard but the orgasm wasnt anything special. I was calm like ''ok Im cool with this Im gay'' and then after a few hours I start getting depressed and worried again and want to find women sexy like they used to be for me.

All through my teens I looked at girls on the street never guys and that continues to this day. But now since the fear started I also notice guys and get groinals and freak out. The goinals are the number 1 cause of my anxiety. I have been getting them for 7 yrs now and they scare me every time and make me convinced Im aroused by guys.

I have been in love twice in my life both to girls. I dont want to spend my life with a man but maybe I do and dont want to admit it? I loved cuddling my girlfriend and kissing her head telling her I loved her. I was happy. I fell asleep at night dreaming of a lovely girl who I would fall in love with but now I will be forced to live a gay life.

I want my horny arousal to girls back but its never coming back. I just have these horrible groinals to guys now. Or as I said maybe they are arousals but cant get hard due to my faulty penis.

If I am gay why did I never notice boys in high school for 6 yrs. Why did I never find a guy attractive or get a groinal sensation until age 25 when I started getting this fear or questioning? Why did I physically get aroused by girls and romantically yearned for a girl?

Am I just conforming to society??? My family would love me if I was gay and to me Im convinced I am and it makes me so depressed. I still ask my parents everyday if they think Im gay. They now say no but if that makes you happy then we are ok with it and my heart sinks.

I will post up more info as the thread develops. Do you guys think I am gay and just repressing it or am I just sexually dysfunctional? Maybe Im gay who jgets aroused by guys and just cant get it up for them?? Do I just have internalised homophobia??

I would love to have my straight arousals back and marry a nice girl who loves me but its never going to happen I fear.

Please help and advise. Am I just a late realizer??

 

I have been exploring this and self examining myself for 7 yrs. Non stop questioning and coming up with theories. Ive ananlysed it to death. Also about being in denial I wasn't because I never had any romantic or sexual feeling for guys before this fear started. I never had to repress anything and had a happy adolescence. The thought of looking at guys sexually never occured to me. I loved masturbating about girls and couldnt wait to get with one. Ever since my erections went I have been in turmoil. I have spoken to 2 sex therapists who the urologist in america sent me to speak to for an hour long each time but they think i am not gay but I dont believe them. How can these groinal sensations mean nothing?? The ocd doc I had tons of theray off is renowned in the OCD world and he told me he is also a sex therapist. He also told me Im not gay. Again I dont believe him.

Why cant I get it up for guys if I am gay?? I need an answer.

 

Were you terrified each time your dick moved from seeing a guy? I am. I also have the gay finger ratio which makes me convinced Im gay aswell.

I am not aroused by gay porn just by looking at it. I have to use my hand and really get into it. Its only recently maybe the last 6 motnhs that straight porn isnt working like it used to.

I masturbate numerous times a day checking to both straight and gay. I dropped out of college over this a few years back. I stopped going to the gym. Maybe Im just repressed and anti gay???

I have poor erection quality for gay stuff too. I never pop a boner seeing a guy. I dont know what I am.

I never masturbated to gay stuff for pleasure. It was always because I was in my head anxious and the doubts made me check to see if it aroused me. I never did it because ''oh that guy is hot and I want to rub one out to him''. I am not sure you understand.

 

Some more info: I got mono from kissing that girl. I lied to my mother how I got it. I told her I shared a drinking bottle with a friend and must have gotten it off him.

All my wet dreams growing up were about girls.

From doing the maths of averaging 2 masturbation sessions a day for 10yrs I am estimating that is roughly 6000 times. Only once did I masturbate about a guy and as I said I just wanted to see what it was like. It was ok but I never felt like doing it again. That means at least 5999 times I got off I was thinking about girls.

But I am still worried Im gay. I miss my girlfriend and I miss being in love. I could very well be super repressed but every time I try to get the inner gay in me out I still cant get it hard, not like I used to. Its a very pale comparison. I dont want to try gay sex.

In my life 3 gay guys have come onto me. Once was a year or two before I started questioning. I felt nothing and kind of laughed off his advances and gave him the signal I wasnt interested.

Another time was in 2007 when a friend offered to put me up in a hotel he was staying in even though I only lived 1 hour away. It may not have been a come on but I suspected it was and declined.

Then a few weeks ago a gay guy tried to sit down next to me. I did not like it and made it clear I wasn't interested.

A few mins earlier I was hoping to pick up a chick I was eyeing up who was sitting nearby.

Anyway I just wanted to get some opinions because I am going crazy here constantly questioning.

I am not going to go out and see if I like kissing a guy it before anyone advises that. Maybe Im afraid of what I discover?? I dont know. I just know I wont do that. At least not for now. It doesnt appeal to me.

Maybe Im wrong but I have a feelign that if I never got sick or lost my erections I would never have started questioning.

I have probably looked at more gay porn than you and Im not lying. It doesn't excite me.

I remember before I got sick I would have amazing orgasms just barely touching it when seeing some hot chick in porn.

If Im gay Im gay. But if I am I have to learn how to learn to enjoy it. It scares me. If I feel a budge down below I am scared Im gay. I was never afraid of my arousals to girls. I loved them.

 

Lex what age were you when you first jerked to guys?

 

Well Im terrified. I literally am terrified like Ive just seen the scariest thing ever. Anyway I still dont thing you get it. I have talked to therapists ad nauseum. You want me to put it all together and say I'm gay is that it?

Fine then IM GAY!!!!

But Im not sure that is the case. I keep telling myself over and over and over every day Im gay and tried to get the questioning to stop. It doesnt work. I have no desire to go out and experiment. If gay sex scares the shit out of me why would I do that? Thats not fun.

If I am gay so be it but my heart longs for girls.

 

I had no issues with my orientation growing up. Up until that day in 2007 age 25 when the ''maybe being gay is the cause of my impotence?'' question pooped into my head I was happy with my identity of straight. I had numerous crushes on girls and when I was 22 I fell in love for the first time with this girl of the same age. The problem is my impotence ruined my confidence. I attempted to have sex with 2 different girls previously and failed to get hard enough and felt humiliated. I also feared I had contracted aids and so I was kind of messed up after that and avoided sex but I loved kissing girls, and would feel horny and come but my erections weren't very hard, not good enough to penetrate. That was the only issue I had. I liked the dates I went on and liked this girl in particular. I acted like a pussy and blew it with her.

I have to keep repeating this. If being gay was the cause of my impotence why can I still not get hard by looking and masturbating about gay porn? I dont get a better erection to the gay stuff than to the straight stuff usually. Frequently its alot worse.

Anyway I did enjoy girls before. I have an anxious personailty and my last girlfriend I was so happy with. after the surgery and after the initial perfomance anxiety I was able to have good sex with her without viagra. Not 100% hard but nothing gets me 100% hard. Not injections, not viagra, not viagra and gay porn combined etc...

I miss my hard erections and getting very horny where Im fit to burst seeing straight porn. I do not have this for gay porn either!!!
My penis is just not the same as it was before I got sick. I havent had one rock hard erection in 13 yrs! And believe me I have tried hundreds of times now to get hard for gay stuff to see if that gets it going.

Im so fed up with it all I have tried to force myself to be gay by getting off to it even though it scares me and makes me depressed. I have told myself over and over to myself that Im gay but it doesnt settle my mind. This for 7 yrs.

Being gay is my worst fear. I dont know why but it is. I have nothing againist gays at all even before this started but I dont want to lose what I had for girls. I have tried to confront my fear by masturbating to gay thoughts so I wont be afraid anymore but the fear is actually getting worse. I freak out with terror anytime I get even the tiniest bit of arousal from a man.

 

I have tried not caring about this. I dont think you understand. I suffer terrible anxiety and telling me to relax or chill out or say so what to whatever I am doesnt work. I cant stop worrying and being afraid.

Wanking off to guys is not enjoyable for me. Im scared as I do it and hope I dont get aroused. I masturbated about girls all my life and now suddenly from age 25 I started to try it to see if it was the cause of my impotence. I didnt start doing it for fun. I dont find it fun. I find it scary.

 

See I've had anxiety all my life. I worry about all sorts of weird stuff. When I was 8 playing sports I worried about getting a heart attack. I was scared I would get appendicitis age 9 and that fear lasted a few years. I was afraid I had cancer age 15. I was afraid of brain tumours and MS and aids and have at various times thought I had each of theose illnesses and would have anxiety worrying about it. I have anxiety travelling for fear of accidents. I had fear of girls yes, especially if a friend was pushing me into a hook up with some girls he knew. I liked to be drawn into sex not pushed and pressured into it. Im scared of moving out of my parents house. I get anxious. Im not talking about a bit of nerves but almost terror.
Im terrified of being gay and doing gay sex acts. I dont want to do it but fear my body will make me. I fear losing control. I fear a guy coming onto me.

When the gay guy came onto me a few weeks ago I felt almost traumatized after. I really didnt like him coming near me and was spooked out. I kept thinking afterwards at home did I like it and tried to masturbate to the thoughts of us having sex to check if I liked it or was aroused by it but I couldnt get hard even though I was tugging hard. I made sure to test a few more times just to be sure but I couldnt get hard.

Yet I feel convinced Im gay. What makes me wonder if i am gay or not is that I have at times been convinced I had MS and Cancer only for a medical test to prove otherwise.
There is no test for this and so I cant get an answer.

Maybe the test is the gay finger ratio which I have the same length index and ring fingers. According to that I was born gay so maybe I am gay afterall.