What does denial feel like?

Ive been questioning since age 25. Thats 7 yrs ago now. Anyway I am worrying about my orientation 24/7. Like I wake up and its the first thing I think about, I check on this website every day numerous times, I compulsively masturbate about girls and then guys to see my arousal levels and how i feel, I ask my parents if they think I'm gay everyday. I cant get my mind off my sexuality for very long. The onl time I'm free of thinking about it is when Im absorbed in some activity where I wont see guys or girls.

Anyway I am worrying non stop. I cannot choose to not think about it for even an hour. I get groinal responses to men which really upset me. It feels like arousal/nerves/fright/anxiety rolled into one.

When these groinal responses happen I will get anxious and then be very insecure about my orientation. I start to panc Im gay and so will go and masturbate tot he thought of what gave me the groinal response. If I fail to get aroused I feel a wave of relief.

I am even dreaming about it. I could be at the cinema and worrying about it, eating my dinner and worrying about it. I just feel depressed all day worrying about it.

Is this denial? Do guys in denial worry non stop 24/7 about how they must be gay and freak out if they feel something around guys? I mean I tell myself over and over that I must be gay because of x,y,z and then hope to find evidence to reassure me Im not.

I thought denial was actually being adamant you are straight even though you are gay and behaving in a gay way, maybe meeting guys etc..


I have never been with a guy and hope never to be with one but this constant worrying is driving me nuts. I feel the need to constantly talk about it and try to 'figure it out'. It seems like an unanswered question in my head that needs to be resolved.

I did assume I was straight all my life and why wouldnt I? I masturbated about girls only, had wet dreams about girls, hooked up with girls, never had thoughts about men etc..

I developed bad erectile dysfunction as a 19 year old and that ultimately made me question my orientation. I still have E.D. masturbating about men ans women so I am confused.

 

Well I am questioning 24/7 for a few years now. Logically I know it's ok to be gay, that my family and friends would still be there for me, that I would find someone etc.. but I simply dont want to be. The attractions themselves (if thats what they are as opposed to anxiety) scare me and disturb me.

Like if I saw a guy with no shirt and felt tingling in my ballsack i would start freaking out inside. People wouldnt see me panicking but inside I would be dying.

If anything I am trying to convince myself I'm gay to stop the fear and questioning so I can feel ok again. But then I freak out and the fear doesn't go away. Then if someone says Im straight (e.g. a sex therapist) I dont believe them and tell them all the resons why I just have to be gay and start freaking out again.

I look deeply into my past to find clues one way or the other but its kind of not clear. I dont recall any crushes on guys or doing anything gay but there are some things that MIGHT mean I'm gay:

I recall crying all day in school on my first day because my best friend (boy) wasnt there
I recall being in admiration of wesley in star trek when I was 11 but cant recall masturbating about him or thinking romantically about him. I do remember being turned on by a romantic scene between a girl and guy on it though and also I think i masturbated about the red haired lady doctor.
I recall not wanting to kiss girls age 11/12. I had no interest in guys either.
I dont know tbh. I have tried to think deeply have I repressed any memory etc. There are things when i was a kid but they are not very strong indicators at all and maybe strecthing things to make for a pro gay argument.

I do remember age 5 I had my first 'sexual/romatic' type dream about this girl in school. I cant remember exactly what it was about as it was 27yrs ago but I think it was to do with looking at her panties or something.

I also remember as a kid sneaking looks into my moms lingerie draw. Women panties turned me on. Dunno if that meakes me straight or gay??

 

I also get a tightening feeling or sensation like I am about to get an erection (but never do) and or nervous feeling.

I kissed a girl the other night for 30 seconds or so and only got a slight semi and didnt feel that horny doing it. Thats worries me.

 

Do you even read what I wrote? I said that even when sex therapists tell me I'm straight I never accept it and tell them why I have to be gay. I thought denial was claiming to be straight when you know you are gay. I keep telling my parents Im gay, I keep telling sex therapists I have to be gay. Is that denial? I tell my parents Im gay and try to enjoy being gay and try to get off to gay stuff so I can stop worrying. It doesnt work. I dont get very aroused to gay thoughts or porn when jerking off. Ive tried to stop fighting it yet when a guy gives me a sensation down below I freak out even after coming out to myself.

I then think of all the times I enjoyed making out with girls, doing sexual stuff to them. Then i am confused again.

Do I just dismiss my past or what?

Also the point of speaking to a gay affirming therapist is becaus eyou want to be ok being gay so you can give yourself permissison to enjoy being gay without feeling bad about it.

I dont want to do stuff with guys.


Then again I must be gay.

 

Coz its gross and weird. Have you licked out a woman lately?

 

That is an explanation. I dunno why its gross and weird to me it just is. I grew up masturbating about chicks, fancying them, hooking up with them, loving girls in porn.

I got erection problems after I go mononucleosis. I have seen numerous urologists about it. I saw 5 urologists. The first said I have 'venous leak' and that I would never have proper erections again. The second said I was fine, the third said I also had a physical problem and ended up having surgery down there but it hasnt helped much. After 6yrs of impotence I began to question my orientation because I couldnt understand why it wasnt working. It wasnt becaus eI fancied guys. It was more of 'why isnt my dick working? Oh shit is it because Im gay?''

So I started to check my arousals to gay toughts, then porn to see if my erections would come back. They havent. I am still fairly soft jerking it to gay porn which I find gross tbh. I can ejaculate to it by jerking hard. Im still impotent and have erection difficulties. the second I let go of my dick it goes down and soft.

Anyway the questioning still remains.
So why hasn't the anxiety gone away after coming out to myself and my parents? They still love me. Why amn't I getting turned on by gay porn?

You asked me why do I not want to do anything with a guy? Would you want to kiss a child? If not why?

 

The problem is I cant stop worrying. 24/7 it is. Constantly anxious and in fear of being gay.

I dont enjoy getting tingles to guys or anything else. It scares the crap outta me. I never had them before I started questioning, only after. I am not sure if they are an anxiety response because I am anticipating it like pavlovs dog or if I am feeling aroused. I never had them before age 25 after I started worrying. Its not like in my teens or early 20's I saw a topless guy and felt aroused. If I saw a topless girl I did. Then once Is tarted to panic over being gay these groinals appeare and I started to lose my arousals to girls.

If I'm gay then why did I grow up gettign horny looking at girls in magazines and wanting to have sex with them badly? Having wet dreams about them?
Was that all denial or what? why didnt my true gay self present itself in my teens?

I had to share beds with guys from age 17-23 when travelling and never felt aroused by them. What the hell is going on?

---------- Post added 29th Jul 2014 at 06:48 AM ----------

Well kissing a guy to me feels as morally objectionable to me as you kissing a kid.

One thng that annoys me about gays is that many of you seem to love telling others theyre in denial. But if I asked a gay guy why he wouldnt like kissing a girl and would he not try oral sex on her to see if he liked it most would tell me to piss off. Yet I could use the same argument about them being in denial about being straight.

 

Good for you but it's not something I want for myself. I have no interest in experimenting.

If thats denial so be it.

---------- Post added 29th Jul 2014 at 07:05 AM ----------

Budwiser possibly so. I am an anxious type of person so its possible.

See its not clear at all to me. My mind keeps thinking of reasons hy Im straight versus reasons why Im gay.

Its hard to remember my past as im 32 now but I distinctly rememebr fancying ginger spice. I had a picture of her I kept hidden under my bed and would masturbate about her regularly (age 15). I also used to look at lingerie catalogues and masturbate about the women in them (age 17-20). I have been in love twice both times to girls (age 22 and 30). I went to an all boys high school and never had any crushes on guys. I found guys smelly and gross with hairy disgusting asses. Girls were soft, pretty and sexy.


But its all gone now it seems. Im getting these horrible groinal reactions (not erections) to smelly, hairy assed guys now and my reactions to hot women seems to have vanished.

 

I hope that is what is happening. I am majorly anxious around girls now. I dunno if its because of my erection issues or because Im gay but I become fearful when the opportunity for sex arises. The way I used to feel seems to have gone. The excitement, the lust etc..

Its affecting my dreams now too which is freaking me out and I wake up fearful after realising I have been dreaming about some gay themed dream. Not me having sex with them but I'd see images of naked men and stuff.
I used to have wet dreams about me having sex with women.

Im so confused and depressed. Women used to be sexy, exciting, a source of happiness to me but they now seem like a threat and a test I have to pass to be heterosexual.

When this fear first started I suddenly started thinking I fancied my male friends who I had hung out with for years and not felt anythignsexual. I lost friendships becaus eI was scared to see them and stopped socialising with them. That was when i was 25.

A gay guy came onto me in a niteclub 3 months ago and i was freaked out. He tried to chat me up and it felt weird and I brushed him off quickly then later I saw him in the toilets by accident and he started staring at me and looking at me as I was going to the toilet and I couldnt pee as I was so scared and freaked out he was looking at me. I zipped up and got out of there asap.

I keep thinking Im in denial though. I have that gay finger ratio too so I think I must be born gay