I just got into my first lesbian relationship I knew she had issues, and i was prepared for that, but she is so sensitive and doesn't take control over her feelings I feel drained and annoyed by her lately, the more I try to be supportive and caring, it does nothing and I feel annoyed and stressed by her. I used to try to sit there and listen and make her feel understood and important, but she has only 2 friends SHE has to take control of her feelings and resolving her issues. One little thing will make her cry all day, and I feel like an asshole, so I keep it all bottled up because im scared of "hurting her" I dont want to break up with her, but I guess what im asking, what should i tell her? in a way that will help her realize she has to change her negative attitude, it stresses me out so much. When I need her it gets pushed under the rug. :bang:
Unfortunately, you're dealing with someone who has some pretty severe psychological issues and there's nothing you can tell her that will magically fix everything. And, sadly, a *lot* of LGBT relationships, and a disproportionate number of lesbian ones, tend to have these codependent traits that you're describing. So really there are two answers: You have to learn to love her exactly as she is, expect that the relationship will never (or not for a very long time) be fulfilling for you, because she, for now, isn't capable of giving you what you need. You can hope that she will someday be able to be better there for you, but even if she started therapy tomorrow, it's probably several years of work. The other option is to realize how difficult the above path is, and decide to end the relationship. Regardless of which path you choose, one thing that I'd encourage you to look at is your own patterns: we tend to attract people based on our own issues, so if you've attracted someone who is codependent, it's an indication that at some level, you feel a connection/desire to take care of others. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but most of the time, it also means there are difficulties with healthy boundaries around what's appropriate and not appropriate as far as healthy helping behaviors, and as you work on yourself more, you'll be better at asking for what you need and letting go of those around you who aren't able to give it to you.
I kind of feel like you just psychically read my personality to me, kinda scary, and amazing. This is very very wise advice. and honestlyI can tell she has a long hard road ahead of her. I am a giver but Ive been working on my people pleasing boundaries, because I cannot crumble along with someone that helps no one. Im going to work on what you said , stating my needs. I always attributed codependency with addiction, and family members with addiction problems . I see now what you mean
Another stereotype that makes me want nothing to do with lesbianism. I'll be at the ex-gay camp down the road. Good-bye.
To me those are traits of sensitivity. You have to be to some extent sensitive to recognize yourself and your preferences. And sensitivity, to me, is something this world is really in need of. Instead of denial which leads to unhealthy patterns. Everyone can learn how to handle this in a grownup and responsible manner. Responsible to oneself and to others, while retaining sensitivity. Do you see it that severe? Maybe those are partially subconscious patterns, like the expectation to be taken care of by others... if explained, could this work out faster, maybe with the help of a pair therapist ?
It might be a good idea for you to sit down with her and express your concerns regarding her mood, how it affects your feelings and your struggles to cope. Maybe after you've explained this, suggest she goes to her doctor (go with her?) to find a resolution. You can't keep it bottled up because you will end up resenting her and it will destroy your relationship.
If you decide to stay with her, you will need to develop a more hard headed attitude (even if that goes against the grain). By all means, offer reasonable support, but don't be manipulated by her extreme moods. I know that sounds harsh, but once you begin to waver and show hesitancy in your responses you will find things escalate and become even more draining for you. The question is, do you want a relationship where you are having to set and manage boundaries like that? The threat of leaving may jolt your girlfriend into working on her issues and your relationship, but even then it could be a long haul and she may slip back into her old ways unless you stand firm. Even so, do you really want to take things to the brink to get a response? Only you can decide what is best for you.
In this case, it isn't a stereotype, but something pretty well documented. I could make a similar comment about gay men, saying that a much larger portion of gay men have substance abuse issues, such as crystal meth or opiate addictions, or that a much higher percentage of gay men smoke compared to straight men. None of these facts are pleasant. But facts they are. We can pretend to ignore them and hope they'll go away, but we do a lot better if we openly talk about them so that we can start to address them, both individually and at a societal level. That's an interesting way of putting it, and perhaps we're saying the same thing. Self-awareness and self-compassion is how it's typically described in the psych/self-help fields. When I think of "sensitivity", it's usually associated with people who are easily overwhelmed by being around others, by negative energy, and so forth (see the book "The Highly Sensitive Person"). When we're talking about the OP's situation, self-awareness of the codependent patterns and behaviors is really important, but once one becomes aware of what those patterns look like, and learns to identify them, it becomes pretty easy to spot them when they're happening. This is that much easier if you have someone else around you who is also recovering from codependency, because you can bounce things off of each other to get different views. Unfortunately, no, at least not in either my experience, or in the literature or clinical experience of those who work with these populations. Before I started therapy, I used to always say to my friends "Let me know if I do anything that bothers you so I can pay attention to it and change it." And sometime later, one of the most sobering, humbling, and, honestly, depressing "aha" moments in therapy was when I realized that it didn't work that way. I could be fully aware of what the patterns are, but actually changing those patterns takes a long time, a lot of work, and a real commitment to continual self-work. And if you talk to anyone who's done this kind of self-work for 5 or 10 or 20 years (well, at least, anyone who's really self-aware and honest with him or herself)... s/he will all tell you that s/he isn't "cured", but that the behaviors are more under control. And that's after a *lot* of work. That might sound a little depressing, but really, it isn't unless you get too stuck in perfectionism and self-criticism. The main issue, though, is being at a place where you're really ready to do the self-work, and to do so for the right reasons (for herself, not for her girlfriend's benefit) and (though I could easily be wrong) I didn't really get that sense that the OP's partner was at that place.