Please help!

I am a 22 year old biological Female with serious gender confusion and this is not a new thing to me. For the last two years I had nearly forgotten about my confused feelings regarding my gender and have been living semi-happily as a woman but I can't escape it anymore. My situation is very confusing and may take a while to explain but please read and help me because I cant take anymore.

I can remember as a young child actually thinking that I was a boy, I was naive and didn't understand the difference between genders. I was spending a weekend at my dads house and cant have been any older than five when I marched down the stairs and announced that I was a boy and wanted to change my name to Spike (Embaressing I know.) I didnt know it at the time but my father was struggling with gender identity and because of this he encouraged me by saying I could be anything I wanted to be. I don't ever remember talking to my mother about it which was probably a good thing because I now know my fathers gender confusion was the reason they had got divorced. When I talk to my mother now (who still does not know about my gender confusion) about how I was as a child she tells me that I had refused to wear dresses and wouldn't let her play with my hair.

When I was between the ages of seven and eight I lived on a farm that was isolated and I rarely went to school which meant I spent most of my time playing with the livery's children. I wasn't in the slightest bit feminine and wanted to play with my brothers action men or the air rifles rather than my own toys. Around this time I developed a condition known as maladaptive daydreaming which would cause me to daydream obsessively. I was a huge fan of the anime dragon ball Z and in my daydreams I was always a male, sometimes gohan or goku or a completely made up character.

I am embarrassed to admit this but I want you all to understand just how deep this goes. I started to develop early, I was already curious about sex at eight years old and I had two close female friends, I remember making up fantasies with them that we would call batman and robin, they were robin and I was batman. We would tickle each other and kiss, I was always the one who instigated it. I also remember that around this time I would start to make my action men toys 'have sex' with each other. These were not the only incidents. I can remember telling my two friends that I wanted to be their boyfriend but we had to keep it a secrete and I also remember having sexual contact with their older sister. At this age I was only vaguely aware that I was female and even then I thought it was something I could change.

As I got older I can remember being angry at myself, I cut my own hair as short as I could and started to wear loose fitted boys clothes that I had stolen from my brother. I would point blank refuse to wear dresses or grow my hair and my fantasies of being male got worse. There were times I was mistaken for a boy but I never cared or bothered to correct them. I developed very early and by age ten or eleven I had size D breasts which resulted in my being bullied a lot, I remember never paying much attention to them and refusing to wear a bra. By this time I knew I was female and I started to become reclusive, I preferred to live inside my head with my daydreams where I was and always have been a male.

My reclusiveness got worse from there and I ended up moving in to live with my father, after a few months in his house he started to act differently and I noticed he was hiding nail polish, he had an argument with my brother and told me it was because my father was 'drinking' to much, but I knew it was odd because my dad hardly ever drank at all. A few months later my dad came out of the closet and began to transition into a woman. I didn't really think much of it because I knew that men could do this and it never occurred to me that women could do it too. I dropped out of high school to be home schooled and my reclusiveness worsened, by this time my breasts had almost fully developed to a size G and men would stare at them in the streets and people would make comments about them that would leave me feeling sick, I was so miserable i locked myself in my room until I was about fifteen years old (about two or three years) and cut off contact with all my friends. By the time I had just turned sixteen I was completely isolated, I didn't have a single friend and couldn't communicate with people, I still wore baggy clothes and even though my hair had grown out I never bothered to tie it up or do anything with it.

I was staying at my mums house for a weekend when an old friend of mine, now grown up, walked passed the house and recognised me, we got talking and after a few months she had me enrolled on a college course which is where things started to change. When I first started going to college I would tie my hair back as tightly as I could and wore a large baggy jumper I had stolen from my sisters boyfriend, I started to lose weight and make friends and they all wanted to 'give me a make over' and make me more feminine, eventually I gave in to peer pressure. I met my first boyfriend and started hanging around with his friends who had similar interests to me. One of his friends was a girl who I started to have a confused feelings for, I just assumed all this gender confusion was because i was gay. The only problem was is that I loved yaoi and anything male on male where as yuri didn't interest me. At the end of my course I moved in with my boyfriend and revealed my gender confusion to him, he was okay with it. We had been having sex for a while but I had never really been into it but there was one night he was teasing me and started saying things like 'I bet if you were male you would have a big dick and you could fuck me with it' and it really turned me on.

Things got messed up and I broke up with him for another man, one I couldn't be so open or honest with, I thought it was what I wanted at first and by this point my gender confusion just seemed like sexual fantasies. I wanted to be more feminine and for a while I was and embraced my own gender, for two to three years I have been living as a woman but my daydreams have remained. For the last few years I haven't thought anything about it until recently. I am now 22 and my father just recently completed his transition, this got me thinking so I googled female to male transgender and learned about FTM. I keep trying to ignore it but its starting to take over my life again, I resent my breasts because I really want to be able to bind them just to see what I might look like if I was male. I have stopped having sex with my partner because I cant stand my own body but I'm torn between what I want.

I know my mother would be devastated if she knew about this and I know she could never really accept me if I decided to transition. I keep talking about my mum about getting a breast reduction because they hurt my back but in all honestly I just want them gone, I have even fantasized about getting breast cancer so they had to be removed. I want to cut my hair short again and part of me really wants to pursue this but every time I look down I see size G boobs staring me in the face and there's no way to hide or get rid of them.

I'm really sorry that this is so long but thank you for taking the time for reading it, please let me know what you think, I know I'm gender confused but I want to know if I am FTM or if this is just another phase that might pass in a few years. I need to know now before I get any older, I don't want to be like my father and transition when I'm forty years old. :bang: :bang: :bang:

 

Thanks for the replies guys I'm loving the support