1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I feel like I'm living a lie, no matter what I do.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Marcy, Jul 29, 2014.

  1. Marcy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2014
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    A little over a month ago I finally admitted to myself that I am likely a lesbian, which, although I had been worrying about it already, brought on feelings of panic and shame. I'm not someone who usually gets intimidated by what other people think of me, so I've never really worried about hiding something like this. I can't hide something this big. To me, not telling anyone would mean I think it's wrong, and that would destroy me from the inside out.
    I have a good friend who's gay and if I decided to come out I would definitely talk to him first. But since I didn't plan on getting married or anything anyway, it doesn't seem very logical to risk having my friends hate me etc just so I could talk to someone and not have to hide. Either way, I feel like I'm doing something wrong and hurting myself. I really want to talk to my friend but I'm really nervous, especially becuase he's more of a father figure than a friend, exactly. I've also been having days when I tell myself I'm making a big deal out of nothing and even if I am a lesbian it doesn't really matter as long as no one finds out, but this is killing me! Advice?
     
  2. Yeety

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2014
    Messages:
    134
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pittsburgh, PA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey no need to be feeling like this. When I admitted to myself I was bisexual I went through something like this. It may be saddening or even terrifying to go through this, but you will come through. Just talk to some friends who aren't homophobic and you'll get over it. But, it really isn't something you should hide, well best wishes.
     
  3. LifeAsWeKnowIt

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2014
    Messages:
    59
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I kind of realised that I'm gay about 5 years ago. I thought the way you think for a long time about not bothering to come out because why risk everything changing, losing your friends etc. However, I've come to realise recently enough that NOT coming out is affecting all aspects of my life. My mental health is affected, all my relationships, whether it be with friends or family or anyone else are all suffering. It's taking it's toll on me, and those around me. You've got to do what's best for you though, and to me, that sounds like you gotta talk to someone, whether it be your gay friend or otherwise. You're not making a big deal out of nothing, you're just being yourself. That's important :slight_smile:
     
  4. HTBO

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2014
    Messages:
    376
    Likes Received:
    0
    It is scary not knowing how others will react, but it's painful being in the closet. Tell your friend, take a chance. Saying those words out loud is incredibly difficult on the one hand but just as liberating on the other. You will begin to feel much better. Don't worry about losing friends over your sexuality. If they really care about you, it won't matter to them, and if they are homophobic and have a problem with it, that's their problem, not yours. You are who you are, and you didn't choose it. Look at it as not liking your friends because they are heterosexual, which would be ridiculous. If it doesn't go well with some of your friends, then it's better to find out now who really cares about you and accepts you exactly as you are. Do it when you are ready, but from the sounds of it, I think you are. You just need that extra little courage to take the next step. You will see great changes in yourself, and begin to see everything around you differently as well (this is what my experience has been, so it may not happen for you, but I hope it does because it's wonderful).
     
  5. Marcy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2014
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Wow, thank you so much for your help. I woud have to wait for my friend to get back from a trip before I would be able to talk to him, but how do you start that conversation?
     
  6. Yeety

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2014
    Messages:
    134
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pittsburgh, PA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The way I told my ally friend was "What would you do if you had a friend who was bisexual?" However, I'd say he'd understand what's up So I'd go with something like "Hey, so you know how you're gay well... I am too." Hope this helps. Also, are you like me and just come here when parents are gone or asleep because you don't want them finding out before you tell them?
     
  7. Marcy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2014
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Yup. I worry that my mom is suspicious, though. Once before I had really realized that I'm gay I was talking to her about being in a club at school and I said I kind of wanted to join Gay/Straight Alliance. She said, "Do you think you're gay?" And I quickly laughed it off but later I realized that might not have been too convincing since I've only had one boyfriend and was really disgusted after the experience.
     
  8. Archie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2014
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I'm afraid I don't have anything new to add here but regardless I'll say it anyway because it basically reinforces what other people have said.

    Just talk to your friend(s) about it. At one point I knew I wanted to come out to some friends but thought it would only be sensible to do it if I were seeing another guy or something like that...to me there was no point in coming out just because. But then the opportunity came and I took it, and it felt SO good to talk about it. The friends I came out to were ever so accepting and I just feel a lot happier now. I find myself worrying about it less than I ever did before. Also, it gave me the confidence to start looking for other guys, and having someone to share your romantic endeavours with is a great help.

    Just do it. If your friend is gay, you have nothing to worry about and he'll have loads to say to you if you need help.

    With regard to how you should say it, saying the actual words is really hard (I think it is anyway), so maybe you could ask him if he ever felt scared of coming out to his friends and then you could go on from there? Just an idea. Good luck and keep us posted :slight_smile:
     
  9. Marcy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2014
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Do you think he'd mind? I mean, I go to him for advice often enough because I really respect him, but he usually manages to keep the focus on me, even when I just asked him a question about himself in an attempt to make conversation. He's an incredible person, but he just gets kinda shy/quiet when he talks about himself. I've actually been trying to work up the courage to ask him about what happened when he came out for a while now, but I don't see him very often by coincidence. I have to march over to his office for no reason other than to talk to him, and he always looks like he's doing something important, so even though I know he's rarely up against a deadline, I always worry that I'm bugging him, and I'd probably have to track down another friend who works with him to get a copy of his schedule to make sure I don't show up right as he's about to go to a meeting, which happens often enough. This would probably be a good time to mention that I get really nervous trying to start conversations.

    But anyway, I'm used to being really open about my experiences, so I'm not sure if he would be uncomfortable having that conversation with me? When he told us that he's gay, he didn't say it directly and he spoke kinda quietly, even though he'd been openly gay for years and just hadn't had a reason to tell us yet. Is it normal to still be uncomfortable saying that after so long? He's really the person I want to talk to first because I respect him a lot and because I've gone to him with a few personal issues like this before (though that was when I saw him a lot more frequently) and he always makes me feel a lot better about myself.

    Do you think he would think it was strange if I refered to myself as gay instead of a lesbian? I just don't like the way it sounds for some reason, and I don't need another reason to be uncomfortable with this right now, but is that something people do? Thank you so much!
     
    #9 Marcy, Jul 31, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2014
  10. Yeety

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2014
    Messages:
    134
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pittsburgh, PA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You'll be fine 99.99% of us in the lgbt community go through this it isn't normal not to. Even if you meet the homophobic religious person don't let them put you down. But, I think my mum's suspicious of me not being straight too.
     
  11. Marcy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2014
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I really appreciate all the wonderfull advice you all are giving me. It feels good to write this stuff down and know that someone is reading and caring about it. Every reply has helped me feel more comfortable with myself and begin to move forward with my life. Something else I want to ask about is how you deal with all the people out there who are so awful to gays. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't particularly care what the majority of people think about me, probably because I got pushed around so much as a kid. Since then, I've made sure I always stand up for other people I see being bullied. And when I'm stepping in to defend someone else, the people being cruel don't really scare me that much.

    But it's different when I'm the one being threatened and insulted. It hasn't been a problem recently because everyone sees me fight off jerks regularly and knows that I'm not someone to mess with. But I'm afraid that coming out would bring a lot of verbal attacks my way, and for all the respect I get for standing up for others, I'm still hopeless when it comes to standing up for myself. People say you should never be upset about what others say because if it's a lie then who cares what they think and if it's the truth then you don't really have a right to be upset about it, but for some reason it's always the unfounded insults that get to me. Especially when it's a situation like this where you just can't really understand it from the outside. I'm in high school, and I'm worried that it might become a very hostile place for an openly gay student. Do people encounter this kind of thing frequently?
     
  12. Lucaaa

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2014
    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    0
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Does something about the school's environment make you suspect things would get hostile, or is it just a worry you have? If you're only worried, I think there's a good chance your classmates would be more supportive than you think. The mindset of younger generations (like mine and yours) is a lot more progressive than it used to be.
     
  13. Marcy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2014
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Actually, I think my only worry about the students is that they'll suddenly feel uncomfortable around me. My real concern is the teachers. I can't say for sure because I only met them a few times and heard some of the upperclassmen talking about them, but it seems like they're very strict and conservative over all. And teachers are really in a position to make you miserable. I'm already moving my schedule around to free up Saturdays completely in preparation for Saturday detentions. And I never get in trouble!

    My other concern is that by comparison, the kids at my school are pretty accepting. I guess I'm worried that it'll get worse outside of school and when I graduate. It's still pretty far away, but I kinda think it would take more of a toll on me to come out and go back to hiding after a few years if I end up in a job or college that isn't very accepting of my orientation, than to just keep doing what I'm doing now. How often do you all have to deal with people being sort of mean because of your orientation?
     
  14. user123456

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2014
    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Moravia, CZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    The older you get, the more accepting people will be, don't worry. Good high schools and colleges / universities are the places with the biggest concentration of modern and forward-thinking people. If gays get accepted now in your country and city / town, be sure it will only get better as you grow up.

    Anyway, just wanted to tell you it is absolutely normal to feel that way I think. I'm bi and when I had a gf I just felt like it is wrong to be with her when I like guys, although I loved her. We had to break up for different reasons in the end but this uncertainty is absolutely there. I guess a person really needs to come out to be able to move on with his / her life.
     
  15. Pie

    Pie Guest

    Personally, I spent the first 3 weeks of my vacation reflecting on my sexuality, I registered on EC. I came to the conclusion I'm gay and I totally accepted it. It was hard though. Sleepless nights, thinking over and over again about my feelings. Nobody knew and it was extremely bothering, I couldn't relax at all, I was always (at every single second of every single day, for 3 weeks) thinking about it.

    Then I came back home and I was about to explode, I couldn't stand hiding it anymore. I felt I was lying all the time. I wasn't being honest. I looked depressed and I had no fun talking to anyone.

    Then I told my best friend and my mom. It got much better but I still feel like I'm hiding something everytime I speak to someone who doesn't know.

    I'd advise you to tell your friends/family as much as possible. You'll feel much better after that, you won't be lying anymore.

    And don't worry, usually people are more accepting at university than they are at high school.

    If you are bullied about your sexuality and you are out of the closet, I think it's easier to fight. If someone calls you "dyke" just answer something like "Yes, so what?". What can they reply to that? They can't bully you anymore of you don't react badly.