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managing bisexuality...help!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by naive12, Sep 1, 2014.

  1. naive12

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    Hi everyone!
    I'm 19 years old and recently accepted that I'm bisexual. I've been in a serious relationship with a guy for almost 2 years. However, I met this girl a few months back through my bf lets say under unfavorable conditions. And she is a bisexual with a lot of psychological problems. We held hands, hugged and kissed the first time we met and I fantasized a lot about her, still do. But she has this hot and cold behaviour towards me. One day she would msg me and talk for hours and the others she'll just ignore me even if I msg. Meanwhile, my bf knows about this and has been very supportive. Even accepted that I had feelings for her and wanted to experiment(physically) with her. But it still hurts him when I talk about her. She said that she won't have physical relations without love and I'm completely committed to my boyfriend so I decided to somehow ignore my attraction towards her. And stay in my monogamous relationship. However it is proving very difficult for me as I can't seem to forget her and get to thinking about her and me as soon as I'm alone. I'm very confused since I'm happy in my relationship.
    I still talk to her and stuff. How do I stop the bisexual side of me from ruining my relationship? I really love him. How do I forget her? :bang::bang::tears:
     
  2. Holly82

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    Without thinking, what is your initial reaction when you picture a naked man's body (let's say he's buff)?

    Without thinking, what is your initial reaction when you picture a naked woman's body?
     
    #2 Holly82, Sep 1, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2014
  3. Pret Allez

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    This is not a unique problem for bisexuals. Gay and straight people may find themselves developing feelings or desires from other people at times.

    This is an ethical problem in relationships, not a "management" problem for bisexuals.

    So first, I would work on the ethical problem. Is your boyfriend wanting a completely monogamous relationship, or is he okay with you doing stuff with her? That's the question to ask.
     
  4. naive12

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    @holly82: i may be slightly (just a little) more attracted to a woman's body...but maybe bcoz i've never been with one. However I've been with a guy and am completely satisfied (in every way)

    @pret: he says he is okay but just once, so that I can once and for all decide if i like it. If I want to continue later he wants us to consider an open relationship which i'm not comfortable with. Moreover she keeps giving me mixed signals. so i'm confused whether I should pursue it or not
     
  5. Holly82

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    Well then if you are attracted to both (always best to check as some people coming out sometimes take the bisexual half-step first), pret is right. This is not a bisexual (or any sexual) issue. It is a moral one. Are you going to do what's right or follow your junk? If you don't want to be with a guy, break up with him. Just don't drag him around while you figure out how to stop being confused. Better to let him go.
     
  6. naive12

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    @holly82 : Thanks for the advice! I'll definitely think about it
     
  7. Holly82

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    Also, don't burn bridges. If you do end up breaking with him, be as gentle as you can. But realize you'll both need your space for a while. This is natural. It's like breaking a leg. You've gotta wear a cast and not walk on that leg while it heals. But maybe one day you'll come back to it and be great friends. :slight_smile:

    I dated this girl for a little bit and she thought she was bi. We explored it together, but eventually she (painfully) came to realize she was gay. It was painful for both of us. But she and I are now the bestest of friends! We took a couple of months not talking to each other, but we found our way back.

    Point is you never know what is going to happen. Just follow your heart and do what is right for you.

    edit: me questioning my gender came later through lots of therapy. but it explains why the last three women I've been romantically interested in were lesbians :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #7 Holly82, Sep 1, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2014
  8. naive12

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    @holly82 : I guess I can't break up with him. I love him and he's been with me through all the shit storms and never once left or spoke of it. If he can love me this much, I should make an effort to stay completely true to him and not lust after some shiny new toy.
     
  9. Holly82

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    Don't stay with someone because of what they've done for you. Stay with someone because you love that person with all your heart, all your mind, all your body, and all of your soul. You really sound confused, sweetheart. A lot of this is no doubt about coming to grips with your sexuality, but (and I mean this with all affection) I've never met a 19 y/o girl who wasn't confused. :icon_wink

    Don't make any decisions. Don't take any actions. Talk with yourself. Talk with him. Talk with a counselor if you can. Journal journal journal. Keep asking yourself questions. :slight_smile:
     
  10. naive12

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    I am confused and lost right now. Thanks for giving me this advice. Feeling much better. :slight_smile: (*hug*)
     
  11. Fallingdown7

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    Honestly, my honest advice is that you should stay with him and ignore this girl. Open relationships can work for some people, but I see mixed signals from all sides that makes me think it isn't a good idea.

    First off you said your boyfriend feels hurt if you talk about her, which indicates that he might be jealous. He did suggest an open relationship or trying it just once, but I'm worried that he might just be saying this to show support toward you and be hiding his true feelings. If he was really okay with this, he wouldn't have the initial reaction, which worries me.

    Secondly, this isn't even a requited feeling from the girl's side. She has shown that she may have some interest in you, yes, but she even stated it clear that she will not do anything sexual without love. If you go ahead and experiment with her knowing this -even if she consents- she's not truly consenting to what she wants and is going to end up feeling used and hurt, which is NOT good. The fact that she has psychological problems may make this even worse since if she has feelings for you, she may allow herself to do what you want, and again will end up hurt from it.

    Either way this isn't a good situation, and you should probably stay away from it and work on staying committed to your boyfriend. Normally, I may not suggest this right now but this could really cause issues on all sides, and I think you need to step back and think it out before you do anything.
     
  12. Hi, I understand how you feel. Do you truly like this girl or is she intriguing because she's new/not needy (like a SO can be)...and the hot and cold thing. I'm not saying that your feelings are invalid but how long have you known her? Can you wait a few months and see how your feelings play out?

    I am bisexual too and have been with my husband for 12 years. I am happy in our relationship but I sometimes feel pulled the other way - especially when I'm lonely/bored/looking for something new. It can be rather frustrating sometimes.
     
  13. naive12

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    @fallingdown7 : Thanks a lot for a logical view on this. I think you're right. Best to stay away and avoid the mess. The main reason for his reaction was the way I came in touch with her. There is no easy way to say it but he cheated on me with her and well we sorted it out. But you can see why he would not be okay with me and her. He suggested the open relationship so that I can explore and we can still be together. We are in a long distance relationship now.

    @browneyedgirl : I really like her, she is amazing. I've known her a couple of months now. Yes, it is frustrating.