What are you thinking?

Why the hell am I still awake???

Personally, I blame golden for this talk of insomnia! :lol:

 

Concurred :smilewave

 

There is no insult so great that it would not describe me. I am nothing, and that can never change.

 

I don't believe that to be true.

 

Westerners with extreme views on how to deal with the IS and the rest of the issues in the Levant are the same ones who can hardly explain the differences between the Shi'a and Sunnis. :dry:

 

Well, if Prophet Muhammad hadn't died we wouldn't have had sectarian differences :lol:.

I guess the same could be said of Christianity and Jesus.

 

School starts for me tomorrow and I don't have one class with the girl I like...

 

Time for bed zzzzzzzz

 

What? The sun hasn't even risen yet! You old man! :badgrin:

JK Night (*hug*)

 

I'll be sure to think of you when I change my depends (*hug*)

 

I still get insanely jealous of all the people who were able to go on hormones and afford their name change like almost by snapping their fingers.

BUT, I'm going to have a little help in getting my name change and once I'm finally in a better situation, I'm going to pay back and pay it forward. It's going to be a little while before I have some surplus income again but I'm freelancing and applying for new work while I'm still on furlough with my current job.

 

typed something for an individual thread but then decided nah

Spoiler

Hullo. It is 22:06 here, September the 2nd, 2014. I'm supposed to be drooling on my pillow right now, but instead, I decided to type this out real quick.

I was born in the dawn of the 21st century - 1999. Four A.M. in autumn, I think - came out of my mother's womb and proceeded to wreck havoc in her life for the next fourteen years.

I turned out to be a spoiled brat - ate all the food, threw temper tantrums when I didn't get the things I want, and made my parents sick with worry. Very charming.

My younger years were filled with dresses, flowers, and lighthearted giggling, but as I grew older, it seemed to die away. I felt less happy - less content. The beautiful world I saw seemed to wither away before my very eyes.

What happened?

I began to hold less pride in my drawings. I shied away from compliments and broke under criticism. The confidence I held seemed to twist into some terrible form of self-depreciation, and never, never have I felt so useless.

Then, I met people. All sorts of people. Happy people. Sad people. And the happy people, the happy people were the ones I envied, and the sad people, the sad people were the ones I could not believe.

"I'm worthless."
"I'm awful."
"I'm disgusting."

I look at them in all their beauty and I wonder - how can they think this way? I couldn't understand how they couldn't see what I saw - so much wonder, so much perfection.

And then, and then I realized - my thoughts echoes theirs.

I cannot see myself as beautiful. I cannot see myself as worthy. And I cannot see myself as wonderful. But these things - they're the things that others have been trying to tell me all along. And these things I cannot believe and will never believe - but all my friends, all my family, even strangers have told me that I am beautiful, I am worthy, and I am wonderful.

Does that make it true? Maybe. Maybe not. But their constant support - that's what's been helping me. That's what's been encouraging me to live on - to take my self-depreciation and twist it into self-appreciate. They - you - have been letting me finally come to peace with the person I am.

Flawed.
But that's okay.

Now, I pride myself in my emotional durability. My drawings are beginning to take a better, more pleasing form, and I find solace in the words I type - a stark contrast to the worthless pieces of shit I once made. But I do not believe I've improved my artistic or writing ability. I've improved my self-esteem.

And now, I'm happier. I smile more often. Sometimes, when I'm by myself, I smile and I feel accomplished - not because I feel pretty, not because I feel worthy, not because I feel wonderful, but because I feel like me, and I feel so proud of myself for being able to acknowledge my faults, to understand that, sometimes, things will just be what they are, and sometimes, I will not be able to do a single damn thing.

But I am trying. And that's the best thing I can do for myself and others.

So what's the point of this random, uncalled for autobiography?

The point is that loving yourself does not require you to love what you do, how you look, or what you feel.
Loving yourself requires you accepting this this is who you are, no matter how dissatisfied you feel, because there are others who think you are perfect, beautiful, wonderful, and amazing right now.

And, trust me - loving yourself is a ticket to happiness.

Every single one of you - you're wonderful. Please know that. There is nothing in the world that will take away your beauty. So please, please see - please see the things I see. See that you have the potential to be who you so desperately want to be - whether it's just to be happy or something that goes deeper.

You can do it.
You can.

[Honestly, there is no point to this post. I just wanted to share my experiences because 1) I love talking about myself, 2) I'm tired, and 3) I want everyone to realize that they are worth loving and they have value and they are appreciated - by me. And I am not the only person in this world. There are seven billion others and counting. So if I appreciate them, there are bound to be others.]

 

You know, it actually kinda bothers me that I have a bar along the back of my two front teeth and I don't remember what the fuck it was put there for. Thank god I have dental insurance.

 

Classes start up tomorrow for my Senior year of college.
I'll probably have another year of classes after this but it's still crazy how fast it's gone!

 

I'm tired and I really should be sleeping right now, but I don't want to. I don't want to go to bed because I don't want tomorrow to come. I just get this weird feeling that if I stay up late, then time will stop or at least not go as fast as it would if I sleep. I know it's not good to do that, and it doesn't help with my insomnia, but I just have a hard time convincing me to go to bed and it's just getting worse.
And to think I was finally serious about getting better sleep habit. I tried but I always end up screwing it.

 

I didn't get to post first :tears::tears::tears:

ISIS is in Mexico!!! I'm so scared!!! Those people are crazy!!! And I live in fucking phoenix :tears: I know my fear is irrational but I'm scared…

 

I get that. I don't have insomnia, but I hate to sleep. It's boring and, at times, actually ironically tiring. It doesn't help that it makes me feel like I'm wasting time, like I could be doing work. Or something.

I'm going to have a difficult time waking up at 5:35 tomorrow.

 

First day of school T-Minus 8 hours.
Last year of secondary education starts today.

I'm excited yet super nervous. I hope I can sleep soon. Hadn't had a chance to readjust my sleep schedule.

Good luck to everyone else who starts tomorrow, and a good day to everyone who's started already!

 

Americans are so fucking ignorant