Can you discover you've been bi all along? Or maybe even a lesbian?

Imo yes. I dudnt become conciously aware until i was 18 but in hindsigt it was obvious at many points from the age of eleven.

 

I have only accepted my sexuality in the last few years. I was married for 11 and with him for 19. I have always been confused with being attracted to both men and women but I think now I'm bisexual. Although when i fall for a woman it is with very strong feelings. It is hard because I'm not sure where I belong. I haven't had a relationship with a woman but I feel that if I'm going to have another relationship it will be with a woman. Sorry I haven't got much time at the moment as I need to get to work but feel free to chat to me. I will check the site tonight. Oh and I give you permission to be with whoever you want to be with ;-) x

 

I don't believe there is an age limit on when it is acceptable to discover your true self, there is no right or wrong and no where that says you have to know early on. Whatever age you come out as or discover your true sexuality at is the right age for you.. It might mean you weren't ready to accept it or just perceived yourself as straight as that is the perceived normality in society till that point in your life and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Ishtar, I am still work through this process at a snail's pace so I don't have great advice to offer to you. Basically I can tell you that you are not alone and that heterosexuality being the default sexuality can do confusing things to people. Most importantly, this website is phenomenally helpful.... I hope you will stick around and keep up posted on your progress!

 

You are definitely not alone in your confusion! I am 38 and have been married for 13 years and have really started questioning my orientation this past year. I can identify with some parts of your story. I too was "accused" of being a lesbian in high school. I've read lesbian erotica and sexually fantasize about women exclusively for years. It wasn't until I read a lesbian romance novel that wasn't just about sex and it had an actual developed relationship between two women that I started thinking that maybe it wasn't such a leap to think that if I find women sexually attractive that I could have a romantic relationship with a woman. Somebody might read this and being thinking "well duh" but I have never felt romantic love towards a woman so it never really occurred to me that I could be bisexual or a lesbian. I guess I've had what you could call crushes on women but it was again more about a sexual attraction. There's currently a woman in my office that I really don't even like but I can't stop thinking about kissing her and thinking about how I could get her alone. So yeah, lesbian, bisexual, another name for this?
If you grew up in a religious home or around homophobic people, I think you can definitely repress your authentic self. My parents weren't really religious but definitely homophobic. I think that maybe why I always drew that distinction of well I may be sexually attracted but not romantically so therefore I am not gay.
I wish I could offer you more insight but I am still trying to figure it out myself!

 

Welcome to EC. This site is wonderful. I want anyone who is questioning to know they are not alone. For those out who have been married and are currently married. And maybe facing a crush situation the is a thread in the sexual and romantic orientation section you may find helpful. It is quite lengthy. But everyone there is older and is facing the questions of coming out later and some are still married. I wish you all the best of luck. I am here to chat if you want.

 

I had a lot of the same signs as you Ishtar but also brushed it off as normal. I've been married five years and we are currently sexless and discussing seperation. I still haven't mentioned there may be other aspects to the situation other than the marriage not quite working. There are more of us coming out way past college than you think.

 

Hi Ishtar (and everyone),
Oooh, Yeah, I belong in this boat! I'm older than you, have been married three times. First one I did everything a "good girl" should and I was so miserable I drank my way through it. 2nd one was more "my type" sweet man, but not really right for me, but it gave me time to get myself aware…then I got really crazy and met some musician dude, and got pregnant (had a miscarriage)…and finally stood on my own two feet!
It wasn't until I met this husband, and he said he was polyamorous that things REALLY changed for me. I knew in order to be incorporated into his world I had to open my mind and grow-and I did-I was really proud of that. He and I have been together 10 years, the last two sexless. I think he thought being poly and then having a wife was the end of his never getting sex but well…
I pretty much consistently got more sex out of the "poly" thing than he did-I had one tryst with a woman (that was really awkward and awful) and then fell for another one who broke my heart-even spent some time away from my hubby but now we are pretty darn solid.
I'm getting menopausal now and it's just that the more I move in that direction, the more I want women, not men. I really want women FRIENDS and the option for lovers…but alas we live in a rural area…
But yes the older I get, the more I want women-the more honest I am that it's always been there (I am not a "girly girl")…so, I just want to be honest about who I am and learn from others, and listen…
And yeah, the media about makes it worse-I've been watching "The L Word"…which is making me REALLY want to go pursue dating…LOL
I'm really glad to find other women in this boat!

 

Welcome, Ishtar! You may also want to check out this thread. (Hopefully I linked that correctly!) It has a lot of stories from other people who are going through similar situations to yours.
Good luck on your journey.

 

Thanks for the compliment Ishtar.
Ditto the on-line thing too, oh I've had some awful experiences. Mostly I think people think they can hide themselves (not sure how when you meet them and their 20 years older and 50lbs heavier!) and they want their perfect dream girl or guy, which is ridiculous. It's not mail order and no one is perfect. And then there's just the creepers online. I learned really quickly to say I'm Lesbian because if I say I'm Bi I'll just get some dude wanting me to get frisky with him and his wife :/ Blech.
The one thing I learned is to do what you love and meet people that way. Unfortunately, I had half-a chance where i used to live but I'm MORE rural now…
I have no clue if the L Word is realistic…probably not. Except maybe in LA where everyone is pretty and skinny.

 

Ishtar, your post reminded me a bit of that Ru Paul movie, "But I'm a Cheerleader"
And there is nothing wrong with being bi but being more attracted to one gender than the other. I'd say that my attraction is split 70/30 liking women primarily.

 

Not really the same thing, but kind of. I'm 32 and, last year about this time, I began questioning my sexuality. Thinking I was bi, I told my wife of (then) 7years. Here's why; I had been seeing a psychologist after being diagnosed bipolar. I described to him something my wife told me and found it was a mild manic/psychotic episode (this only means you've lost touch with reality, but that you're some sort of homicidal maniac!).

He told me that most of these episodes have some basis in reality and, since I was talking of leaving my wife and son for a gay district in another city, he asked if I was maybe bisexual. I answered a staunch "no!"

The idea sat there and, a couple months later, I'd been looking at things about the LGBTQ community. Gay, nor bisexual, really seemed to fit at all, but I began looking at stories of transgender people. MTF in particular. Thinking in the gender binary terms, looking back at my childhood and how my parents treated me, this all struck a chord and, suddenly (at 31) I was questioning my gender! Of all things!

Long story short, my wife and I faced divorce, she came to understand me (as much as any cis-het woman can!) and that and that I'm a lesbian, just with my body type. And, if I hadn't been born with this body, we wouldn't have our 4 fabulous children and 8 years of our lives spent as one!

Questioning can never come too late. Searching for the answer can. Follow your heart!

 

Hi Ishtar, welcome to EC.

i'd like to weigh in if i can because your path seems similar to my own. im 47 and split from my wife in june of last year for other than LGBT issues and now we're going through the divorce after over 20 years together, and im a single parent of a teenage son who lives with me. i came out to myself this past spring and my therapist shortly after. she put me in touch with some new friends in the local LGBT community and i've been slowly coming out of my closet and my shell. just waiting for the divorce to get signed and delivered before i come out to my son and move into the open world as a Bi man. like you i've struggled with religion and conservative upbringing, and was seeking "permission" but i realized i am more than my upbringing and i the only one who i need permission from is me. as for religion, i came to the conclusion a long time ago that the Bible doesn't speak against LGBT people or actions, it only points us to love, love of God and love of each other. i read an article called "a letter to louise" on the PFLAG website and it made it all crystalize for me on the religion front.

you asked if you had been repressing your feeling or if they can come up on their own? i don't know the answer to that one as it is within you to answer. but for me, i now know that i there were feelings and signs from young age, teenage, that they were there but for personal safety and to "conform" to the world i grew up in i stuffed them way down deep and constructed automated defenses to keep them down, like when my wife pointed out a good looking man on TV and i would look in the direction of the TV but not really look at it and say, "meh, he does nothing for me" to laugh it off. looking at the same guy now i get that feeling down deep and WOW.:icon_wink

so my advise, after all that? be yourself, enjoy the ride and remember that while you may have a preference for one gender over another it can be fluid and it will, most likely change to some degree over time and then swing back.

keep us posted as to your journey and keep reading here, lots of great advise.(&&&)

 

Absolutely you can, although i am quite certain I am not a lesbian.