1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

It feels like I imagined it all

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Aintzane411, Sep 22, 2014.

  1. Aintzane411

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2014
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bay Area, California
    I've identified as genderfluid for about 2 and a half months now, and since then my gender has shifted almost daily. Occasionally, though, it feels like I settle back into feeling cisgender again and everything stays static for around a week or so.

    I'm in one of those "solid" weeks again, where I've felt pretty much exclusively cisgender. I know it's probably normal to stay in one gender for a few days, but sometimes it just makes me question everything. It makes me wonder if I'm really genderfluid or if I just imagined everything. Did some part of my subconscious just decide to pretend I wasn't cis for a while? Is this all something my brain made up? Am I really cisgender? What am I?

    *Sigh* I mean, I know there's two options here: 1) I'll stay feeling cisgendered and that's that and this was just a "thing" that hapened, or 2) I'll go back to having a fluid gender and that's that and I'm not actually cisgender no big deal.

    But it's hard to remember that when I'm in the middle of this week that makes me question what had become a normal part of my life.
     
  2. jay777

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2014
    Messages:
    1,599
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
  3. wanderinggirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2013
    Messages:
    1,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Was there any big event in your life that triggered this? Do you feel more fluid when under stress or anything?
     
  4. Aintzane411

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2014
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bay Area, California
    @jay777: Thanks, I'll check it out

    @wanderinggirl: Not really many things that trigger my gender to be fluid or static, as far as I can tell. It just sort of... happens. Sometimes if I think about it too much, either on purpose or accident, I can make myself switch genders, but I don't like doing it. So far that's the only thing that isn't random about the whole setup. If that makes sense. xP
     
  5. wanderinggirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2013
    Messages:
    1,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Could you maybe be overthinking it and not letting yourself be? Are you afraid of being a particular gender? If fear is keeping you from letting yourself experience your true gender, fluid or solid, maybe it's pushing you in the other direction. Or maybe you just feel limited by your assigned gender sometimes and need to figure out a way to break out of it and express it in a way that makes sense to you personally.
     
  6. darkcomesoon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2014
    Messages:
    1,359
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New Jersey
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That happens to me too. And honestly, it kinda sucks. I spent about the past week and a half feeling almost exclusively female, and, as always, I started doubting whether I'd just been making this up. But they always end. I'm definitely male right now, and though the dysphoria kinda sucks, it's almost reassuring to have proof that the "solid" week isn't permanent.

    I hate it. I hate doubting myself. I've been identifying as genderfluid for about a year now, but still, every time I go through one of those "solid" weeks, I doubt myself again. But they always end, and I always go back to feeling just like I had before.

    It's hard not to doubt yourself during one of those weeks, but I don't think you need to. I am genderfluid, and I am 100% sure of that. Those "solid" weeks are just part of my gender, and it doesn't make me any less trans*. So, try not to worry about it too much. Just because you have those weeks doesn't mean you're not genderfluid.
     
  7. Nick07

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2013
    Messages:
    2,637
    Likes Received:
    0
    I believe that's pretty normal. Be careful to not be disapointed to feel cis. The "T" in lgbt is not a golden club, cis is as valid as trans. It's nice to feel to be part of the comunity here, but it should not influence your whole life.