Does my friend think of me as more than a friend?

Well for now, I'm going to wait until he is willing to come over. If he doesn't text first and suggest to talk on Friday, when I know he's free and he knows I'm free, then I'll just distance myself from him and avoid interacting with him as much as possible when I see him. I'm not going to embarrass myself for him. I have already swallowed my pride and opened up numerous times and given an effort numerous times. If he's not willing to, then I'll let him go until he comes around. And if he comes around and matures maybe then my dream scenario will come true. But most likely it never will.

 

Finally talked to him. We met up and no one was at his house so we talked in private.

When I first came over he said "Hey" with a smile and he said "you seem tense" and I said "well... it's a tense conversation."

We went in a room to talk, he sort of lagged sitting down (used the bathroom, went to put his phone on charge, texted, asked if I wanted water, etc.) while I immediately sat down, ready to talk.

I first started off by telling him that we needed to clear things up. I said "well before I start, you haven't told anyone right?" He said "no, I haven't." And I said "are you being honest with me? Because I know you have trouble with being honest." And he said "Well I'm being honest right now."

And then I said "Okay, well first thing I wanted to clear up were some things you said that I think were very unfair. First, remember a week ago or so, when we were in front of (store) and you told me to come to you when I was following (brother) and when I followed you, you said "oh I knew you'd listen because I know you love me more than (brother). Why would you say that? Because that's honestly very fucked up in my opinion considering what you knew."

He was smiling at that moment, and from then on he was shaky and red the entire time. I was only slightly shaky but for the most part I kept cool.

He said "I was only speaking in heirarchal terms for (organization), since you know I'm higher up in heirarchy and leadership compared to (brother). I didn't mean it in a fucked up way." And I said "...really?" And he said "Yeah I just meant it in... y'know, a sense that was just for (organization) not anything like that." And I kept asking "are you telling me the truth?"

And then I asked "...and at camp, why did you say the "why do you have a crush on me?" comment? And that you feel bad for me?" And he said "oh well I didn't know anything I just said it as a joke." And after a minute or so of dwelling on it I just said "okay."

And then I got to talking about boundaries. I said "Okay, well, next up, I want to talk about our friendship and the boundaries we have to set up. First of all, come on. You know the friendship was weird and you knew what you were doing, right?" And he said "yeah I was aware of my actions." And I said "okay, so one thing I wanted to bring up was hand-holding. You'd hold my hand, you initiated all of it. And you know that it's gay. You knew what you were doing. And I know this because you'd say stuff like "holding hands is base one" and then another time we were watching a vine or something and you'd say stuff like "oh get it, these guys are gay because they're holding hands.""

And he said "yeah I know but, like... we just did it as friends I didn't get any signals from you or anything you didn't show anything or whatever. I meant it as a friend especially since you're a guy."

And I said "Really? So you're saying you'd do this to (friend) or (friend)?" And he said "well..." And I said "you can try it out today I'm sure they'll let go in a second and won't let you do it."

And he said "okay well that was just our friendship."

And I said "okay. And all the other things you did, like the whole kissing, and the "I love you's," and all the other weird stuff you did. I want to let you know that it's not okay. Because that's romantic stuff you do to people you want to hook up with or get in a relationship with."

And he said "yeah I know I know my actions are very weird but like I didn't mean it as more."

And I said "so yeah, for future reference, if you do that stuff with a guy and they allow it they most probably lowkey like you. You don't act that way with someone who is apparently just a friend."

And he said "Yeah I know I'll keep that in mind and won't do that to anyone. It's good that you told me."

And then I said "So yeah, I acknowledge your answer, but I don't accept it. Because it's not okay. Or, in other words, I'm okay with what you said, but I don't forgive you for what you did."

And he said "okay fine."

And I said "so from now on, if we're going to be friends and only friends, no more hand-holding, no more trying to set world records with hugs, no more kissing, no more of pretty much anything you did. And I know I seem like I'm accusing you, and I kind of am and I'm sorry but yeah."

And he said "okay, alright.... *long pause* interesting. That's good, it's changing in a good way."

And then I said "well, any questions for me?"

And he said "Okay well, why did you only tell me and not anyone else? I thought that was interesting."

And I said "Because I saw no reason to. Again, sorry for accusing you, but you started everything, and everything that happened was because of your actions. I didn't feel the need to tell anyone else."

And he said "Really? Like you didn't go and ask others "oh do you think (he) is bi? I think that's interesting."

And I said "No, why would you want me to do that? Do you think (he) is bi because he does this and this and this and this and this to me?"

And he said "okay well you don't need to state specifics to them but you could just talk to them. I just think it's interesting how you only came to me, because in this case it's like the victim is telling the perpetrator everything."

And then I said "I just did. I didn't see a reason to tell anyone else. Why would I?"

And then he said "so how do you know you were bi? I don't know when you texted me, because I didn't see any signals or anything and you only stated what I did and said I thought it was just a phase."

And I said "Cuz I know."

And he said "So, what, you've been attracted to guys and you just didn't say anything or what?"

And I said "well no I mean I would think guys are attractive but I didn't think much of it, I would try to repress it, and then when I met you, I didn't like you because I only heard bad things about you, plus the other stuff I've already talked to you about, but then you were friendly, and then overly friendly, and then I thought you were weird, but then I would let you do this stuff and I admitted to myself that I liked it and yeah. But had you not acted this way I would have never liked you."

And he said "so you only liked me because of my actions and not my personality?"

And I said "well, no... It starts somewhere. I was attracted to you because of your actions and then I started to grow feelings for you and then I started to like who you were."

And he said "okay... *long pause* cool. Interesting. So you said you were attracted to others before me or no?"

And then I said "no. You're the first guy I've had feelings for."

And then he said "okay well I still want to be friends, I don't know about you (he said this because via text I asked him if I should leave in case it gets awkward and I don't want to be friends anymore). I mean we've all seen the good side of me, the bad side of me, the ugly side of me. I think all of us have seen that from each other and people still decide to stick to me and I appreciate that. I think if you tell (friend) or (friend) or (friend) they wouldn't judge you at all. You should just say it in private. But I don't think you should tell (non-close group of friends). When are you planning on, y'know, telling everyone?"

And I said "Thank you, you don't need to tell me who I should or shouldn't tell I'll say it if or when I feel like it. And I'm just saying this as a hypothetical situation so don't freak out, but if you did respond to my text in a positive manner I would continue being friends, then we'd get closer, and y'know, and then I would want to be in a secret relationship then when we're ready I just slowly say that I'm bi. That's how I'd do it."

And he said "Okay... *long pause* interesting. Anything else for me?"

And I said "no, not really what I can think of at the moment. The only thing would be to analyze all your actions and ask why but there's no point in doing that."

And basically that was about the jist of it. I probably forgot a fair amount. I claimed I would still like to be friends at this point but I'm not sure. Because I just felt off about everything. We hung out afterwards. For an hour it was just me and him and I couldn't even look at him. His brother came home and I would only talk to his brother. I said as little to him as possible. And when other people came over I avoided him the rest of the time because I just couldn't. He's almost starting to disgust me. I dunno. Seeing him tomorrow again.

What do you guys think?

I probably left a decent amount of stuff out. There was a decent amount of questioning on being bi, if I'd be happy with a girl, things like that. I just came home and I was there for a good 10 hours and the conversation was only the first 20/30 minutes so I have to think about all the pieces, but this is what I remember. I pretty much communicated all the important bits, I think. And if I have anything more to say to him I'll talk to him in person again.

 

He did say he knew what he was doing... and he did say he knew the stuff he was doing was gay... and he did say he knew the stuff he was doing was really weird to the point where others would comment... IDK.

 

I have a feeling he's in denial too. I just got that feeling when I was talking to him. Plus he's known to have a lot of trouble admitting things. But then again he might be telling the truth.

You have a point, but that would make me look stupid... just yesterday I was "setting boundaries." It would be really stupid if I blatantly tried to make a move, no? I dunno.

I dunno. I was thinking that today maybe I'll just take him to my room, ask him for a really good hug, and while we're hugging just say something like "I love you but after the way you acted towards me for so long... I loved it so much and I can't believe you thought of all of it as a joke and I just can't do it. Our entire friendship, when you weren't saying or doing something weird, we'd jokingly flirt or tease each other or stare. What's it going to be now? Like an empty shell of its former self. I don't know, I don't think I want that. I'm sorry."

 

Exactly. I know he won't admit to anything at all so what's the point? I dunno.

 

He tried talking to me a few times but I'm super super cold towards him now. I had a great time last night, I was with a bunch of friends and I had a nice hook up with a girl I have some history with.

I knew this wasn't going to work. How can you just suddenly COMPLETELY change the nature of a friendship after so long and expect it to work? It doesn't. I'll just tell him in a very nice way that if this is what it takes to be friends, I don't want to be.

 

Well I'm still going to see him multiple times every weekend even if I stop being friends with him, but yeah... I can't. How are we supposed to change the nature of how we interact with each other? It's unrealistic; it's not going to work.

 

Well for one I have a feeling he's not being fully open or honest with me and that hurts considering I'm 100% open with him. Secondly, I know that I can't do it. I can't change the nature of our friendship because I don't want to. I love what it was before. I loved the romantic vibes and the constant affection. I don't want an empty shell of what it was before. So I'm just gonna tell him whenever I see him this week in private that I love him but I can't change the nature of the friendship because I loved what it was before too much and I'm not gonna force myself to enjoy what it is now so it's best to be acquaintances that only talk when they have to. I mean it's kind of already like that because of me but I'll have to make it official. And I'll be hugging him while saying this because why not