the first baby step

So this might seem really silly to everyone here, but last night I think I took the first baby step towards accepting and outwardly expressing my true gender by painting my toenails. My wife, who is being amazingly open and supportive of this recent revelation was nice enough to let me use her nail-polish and I have to say that, despite the amateur paint-job, every time I looked down at my toes I felt really, truly happy. It was like FINALLY one external part of myself reflected the truth that's been inside all along.

True, everything else about me is still male and everything that anyone else sees will reflect male, but inside of the male-shoes I'm wearing to work, I know there is a part of me that's being true to who I really am. I'm sure the novelty will wear off eventually and I'll start going to greater lengths to express this inner feminine outwardly, but I wanted to share this with all of you here. I won't claim to be brave, since I'm still hiding who I am from the outside world, but I hope that this silly little thing will inspire one of you out there to be true to yourself, even if it's something small and simple; even if it's something that only you know about. I cannot put into words how relieving it was to do this, to just accept who I was without worrying about what anyone else thought about it.

have any of you had similar experiences that you'd care to share?

 

Yes, my wife has been amazingly understanding about this. We even had a rather candid discussion about me possibly making the transition and she was very receptive and open about it. I can tell that some parts of it make her a bit uncomfortable (especially if I decided to have SRS) because she married a male, after all, but at the same time she told me that it wasn't all that surprising to her. We've always kind of joked that I was more of a woman than she normally is, so I don't think this came as much of a shock. We've actually been down this road (sort of) a few years ago when I explored a bit of cross dressing but as with all the other times in my life I ended up suppressing and denying that part of myself.

Starfleet: it's midnight purple and I just LOVE it!

The Leryous: that is good to know that the novelty still hasn't worn off. I cannot even express in words what it felt like to do that and it be okay. I'd done it many many years ago when I was a teenager but my step-mother at that time saw my toes and made fun of me, so I never really did it again. It makes me sad to think that I let some person I don't even know anymore prevent me from discovering and expressing this earlier in life, but the past is the past. =)

 

@Tai: I'm sorry to hear that you are having to hide who you really are, believe me, I know the feeling. The more I open myself to this revelation that I'm trans, the more I'm realizing this was present in me all along. I repressed myself so much because of the fear I had of what others around me would think. I won't encourage you to do anything you aren't ready for, but I will tell you that I wish I'd been able to tell my friends and family at a younger age. I believe it would have saved me a great deal of sadness and anxiety in the long run and I could have decided to embark on my transition sooner. Maybe that isn't an option for you but if you think it is, you should really consider it. I know it is scary, believe me, it can be downright terrifying, but we can only ever be brave when we are scared. Every day our world is becoming more tolerant and open to people like us. It's not perfect, I know that, but there are encouraging news stories like this one Advice to a Transgender Homecoming Princess: How to Handle the Media Frenzy - Dara Hoffman-Fox that give me hope that one day soon we can all be true to ourselves.

@IcyRose: Maybe this will inspire you and maybe it won't, but since I painted my toenails I've gone outside with my gloriously purple toes exposed twice now (to walk my dog around my apartment complex). It was scary, especially when other people came by. I felt a compulsive urge to hide my toes for fear that someone would remark on them but no one has. I'm sure eventually someone will and I've decided that when they finally do ask me why my toes are painted I'm going to proudly state that they are painted because I like the color. It's taken me almost 29 years to realize that no matter what, nothing matters more than being true to yourself, even if being yourself can be a bit scary. But more scary than being true to yourself, is constantly living in fear of what you really are, of continuing to deny part of yourself because of what other people "might" think. I refuse to do that anymore, which is why I won't hide my painted toenails when given the choice. I think you should wear that jacket and if anyone makes fun of you, you just ignore them and be yourself regardless of their opinion. Don't fight back, just be who you are.

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." -Gandhi

 

I applaud your courage more than you could possibly know. You are far braver than I was at 16, so just know that no matter what happens, you are miles ahead of many of us who were too afraid or confused to come out in our teens.

I don't know if you decided to do it over the weekend or if you are waiting until next weekend but you are in my thoughts. No matter what, take courage for there is no greater happiness than being true to one's self.