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Does my friend think of me as more than a friend?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by heythere999, May 28, 2014.

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  1. heythere999

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    Screw it I love him too much and the idea of being with him too much to be mean and let go. I am no longer the type of person that'll hold things back. I'll apologize for my behavior and acting cold. I'll tell him I love him and that I've opened up to him so if he ever wants to ask me something or tell me anything or whatever, I'm here for him. And that I loved our old friendship too much to let go and to be an a-hole. I'm not the type of person that's afraid to swallow their pride and "embarrass" themselves.

    Hopefully things will slowly go back, and if I'm ever courageous I'll slowly slowly build things up. Maybe when we're having an amazing time I'll ask him to not feel uncomfortable or to freak out and ask to kiss him on the cheek or something. Build it up from there. Let time do its thing, and while it does, I'll plant the seed in his mind. Maybe, just maybe that way he'll admit stuff, if there's stuff he's hiding, and maybe one day we'll experiment with each other and/or go further.

    I personally think that's the right way to go. I certainly can't expect the greatest results by distancing myself or being cold.
     
  2. Aeriestars

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    So I just read everything, and here's my opinion -

    Ignore his ass. Just fucking ignore him, that's going to show you a lot of things about his "feelings" towards you. He's either going to be confused and not care, or he's going to be concerned and make a point to talk to you/be around you. You can't force him to like you, and trying to get things to how they were is just going to be hell for you in the end. You've done the VERY mature thing which is be honest and open with him, and now you should be honestly fucking mad - I would be irate. I just think that it's completely unacceptable for people to lead other people on, regardless of whether or not they knew/could tell that said person is attracted to their gender or not.
     
  3. Anvarie

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    Very different outcome than what I expected...

    I think you should definitely respect the answer he's given you regardless of whether it seems he's gay or straight. Just try to adjust being friends there's always a chance that he might need more time to get to the point you're at. If you're having trouble getting over him maybe focus on someone else even if it's as silly as a crush it can be a nice distraction.
     
  4. jnr183

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    Hi Heythere- not sure if I have ever posted on your thread or not but I have checked in from time to time and caught up on the last two weeks.

    Just wanted to say that I know where you are coming from and sorry it is so tough. I am not sure how old you are but if I remember correctly I think you are substantially younger than me.

    ANYWAY!... I have been going through a similar saga myself- serious bromance- nothing physical (not even signals) ever happened but emotionally this was probably the most intense friendship I have experienced. Two grown men talking on the phone for hours at at a time multiple times per week. Short story is that my feelings for him made me aware of how I couldn't go on ignoring my sexuality- I came out to him a few months ago- never confessed my feelings for him, though I would be surprised if he hasn't considered my feelings for him at one point or another- we have lived a few hours apart for nearly a year now and over the last couple of months we have been drifting farther and farther apart. We hardly even speak recently.

    This whole ordeal caused me an immense amount of agony. I have had crushes on friends but what made it so hard to move past him is that I kept on getting little suggestions that he may not be fully straight. To this day, I don't really know his sexuality. I don't think he knows his. With some distance and time, I think my feelings are starting to fade a little bit. I try not to be mad at him over this, but when you said that at times your friend disgusts you, well, I hear that. If he is gay or at least not straight, that can be very difficult thing to confront. It's nothing against you or necessarily anybody- I think it's just more complicated than we can even describe. I have been thinking back to friendships I have made along the way and there are a few same-sex friendships that were a little more intense than normal; I never had feelings for any of these guys at the time but if we were friends today, maybe things would have been different. Accepting and being aware of your sexuality seems to make you approach potential mates very differently.

    Bottom line, no matter his sexuality, whether he likes you or not, if he does, he isn't in a place where he can tell you this and it doesn't seem like he is close to coming around to it. Your situation, like mine, does make me so frustrated that sexuality and the closet are two very complex and grey issues. Not to mention the disparity that sometimes develops in the way that two people feel for each other... hard enough for straight people! Even worse for us.

    My suggestion would be to create some distance from him. I don't think you are being a bad friend. If he reaches out to you, be his friend and be there for him. It takes time but you will get over it.

    Hope that helps. Glad that writing seems to help you organize your thoughts. Good luck!
     
    #444 jnr183, Oct 2, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2014
  5. heythere999

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    We didn't talk about anything but it's on the verge of getting back to normal, aka how it was before. Bittersweet feeling because I'm happy but it's a continuation of the emotional roller coaster
     
  6. user123456

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    I haven't had time to contribute lately, and others already covered everything I had on mind, but I just wanted to drop in and wish you good luck on whatever the future brings now, I am glad you decided to be patient and not to go for any drastic measures :slight_smile:
     
  7. heythere999

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    We're back to being flirty-ish but at some points he jokingly suggests that we're too close. And when I'm not looking at him he does his usual stretch or scratching of his face to look at me... Almost too confusing. I didn't say what I wanted to say though, which was that I love him and our friendship should go back to normal and that I've been super open and honest with him and he should be the same but eh. I dunno.
     
  8. AlmostBlue

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    So after 450 posts, you're going back to square one? Sorry for the tough love, but that's quite pathetic...especially given all the good advices you have been given here by many many people that you don't seem to consider seriously. You don't love your friend who you were disgusted with a few days ago. You loved his attention, and he loved it from you as well. Either you two can keep on using each other and self destruct, or one of you can realize how dysfunctional that is, and take some distance at least until you have processed everything.
     
  9. Mystory

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    you're still holding onto that one tiny habit of his aren't you?

    On what basis do you even love him? How do you love someone that has never even given you anything more than a vague gesture? How do you love someone who hasn't even made an effort to make you smile or feel happy without making you feel like complete shit in the following days? To add to that, he hasn't even done any other gesture other than silly party tricks and silly flirts (I wouldn't even call that flirting) in the presence of other friends- where was he when you were feeling sad and dejected? He wasn't even there for any of that. Neither have you been for him. The only good deed that he has rendered you insofar was his immediate acceptance of your sexuality- and even then, if you base your "love" off of that one act, then that is setting the benchmark low. All friends should be accepting of your sexuality, his acceptance should not be the exception, but should be expected as the rule, the majority... How on earth do you love someone when you two were never dating to begin with? How do you love someone when you've never even been intimate with them, let alone even kiss them?

    If you want to move on, you should at least listen to what I have been telling you from page three or nine- I forget- and that is, to firstly just say to yourself that you don't love him. By constantly reaffirming your so called 'love' for him, you make it more difficult to break this unhealthy and emotionally exhaustive habit.
     
    #449 Mystory, Oct 5, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2014
  10. heythere999

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    So I came out to a best friend of mine who was "talking" to him for a while and they made out a few times.

    She came to the conclusion that he's a latent homosexual or bisexual and that he's a sociopath.


    Interesting


    She also told me to distance myself. I can't for the next few weeks due to many events, but I'm going to be cold and distant afterwards
     
  11. IG88

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    Congrats on telling your best friend!

    As for your friend who you're in "love" with...Mystory has a valid point. Don't bet on your friend coming out anytime soon professing his love for you. Learn to build an actual friendship with him.
     
  12. heythere999

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    I really don't get this guy...

    so yesterday, I ended up hanging out with someone at school, and when she was on the phone with him telling him to come meet up with us, I said "I'm leaving, you guys have fun. I'll be at the 2nd floor in the library"

    There's a girl that he apparently likes (although my friend and I suspect that he doesn't really like her, he's just pissed that she didn't fall for his charm) and he let the world know that he likes her, and I was hanging out with her in the 2nd floor of the library because we're good friends. He ended up coming with the person I was hanging out with before and he was awkwardly sitting at a table right next to us, but I wasn't talking to him or looking at him.

    After he ended up leaving (Which was after about an hour), the girl he apparently likes said "I noticed that he kept scratching his head or stretching and yawning to look at you... he really wants your attention for some reason idk." And I asked "wasn't he looking at you too and doing the same thing?" And she said "nope."

    Strange individual, to say the least.
     
  13. wardrobeescaper

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    Hey man, I think what you need, is to go out and find a guy to date who is openly gay
     
  14. Honestly... yeah. Trust me, I've been in a similar situation: best friend was hinting that she liked me after I came out to her (she had already told me she was bi), and then she all of a sudden became distant and dropped me as a friend. Since we had been friends way longer than I had liked her, it was tough to move past that loss, but I pretty much have at this point.

    You need to do the same. It honestly seems like y'all aren't that close, since you say you're cold to him all the time, and it doesn't seem like you talk about anything of much substance (forgive me if you do, but I don't think you've mentioned it). Being hung up on him is not worth it. Let go of him. If, as others have said, you just liked the attention he gave you, then that's an even better reason to find someone new. Find someone whose personality you actually like instead of their actions towards you.

    Also: even if he is gay, or bi, or whatever, are you really going to wait for him to come out? He's obviously my comfortable with his sexuality (assuming he is indeed queer; if he's straight, I'd say he's very comfortable with it), and it's not your position to make him realize it's okay to be gay or whatever.
     
  15. heythere999

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    So it's been a very interesting past few days. Last weekend we ended off kind of shaky, as I was cold to him yet again. On Thursday he knew I was on campus and he immediately called me and asked me to hang out. We talked and we just discussed his character, we talked about how I think he's a pathological liar and whatnot and he'd just say "woooow I can't believe you think that of me" but it was weird because we were smiling the whole time.

    Friday we had a dance to go to and we were back to normal; I was at his house beforehand and we kept hugging and he kept following me around. At the dance he didn't have a date but I did. We were jokingly insulting each other next to my date and he said "shut up you love me" and I said "no I don't" and he said "okay deep down" "nope" "deep deep down" "nope" "deep deep deep down" "nope" "come on, I love you...." and after 5 seconds, he said ".....as a friend." And that pissed me off because it was completely unnecessary so I ignored him the rest of the night and he was avoiding me too after I wouldn't respond to when he called out on me.

    And then Saturday we had a party, and I was drunk and he was sober and he tried to talk to me multiple times and I would be cold, and when he tried to touch me I would push him and tell him to go away and we both tried ignoring each other.


    On Sunday morning, I woke up kind of late for my weekly organization meeting and I almost decided to not go, but I did. When I came, I found out it was just me and him there from our group that decided to show up and we were stuck for a good 5 hours trying to kill time. We ended up just going back to normal, regular hugs and whatnot.

    He suggested going to a liquor store to go and buy food and we walked together. During this walk, we kept talking about his character, he would ask "wow do you really think I'm a bad person? Come on, admit it! Just admit it!" "do you think I have the worst character out of the entire group?" "do you think I'm a pathological liar?" "Do you think I'm a bad person?" "you give me anxiety (which is funny considering I used to say this to him constantly)" And basically I said yes to all, but it was weird because we were both smiling while talking about this and while I was pointing out his personality flaws.

    Then he went on to ask, "if you could describe me in one word, how would you describe it?" And I said "...interesting." And he said "Wow it's like you read my mind, I think you're interesting too."

    And basically the whole time we were teasing each other and playfully arguing and while we were waiting to get picked up, he said "have you noticed that we act like an old married couple?"

    And then he asked if I had homework to do, and I said not really, and he said I should come over to his house.

    We were just together in his room and we kept hugging and he would do things like carress my face and a few times I would even pull a "him" and if he rejected a hug offer I would just grab him and pull him and hold him while he rested his head on my chest or shoulders.

    And when we went to get food together, we were standing in line. I wasn't saying anything and he just looked at me and smiled and said "I know I don't show it but I really enjoy spending time with you."

    And then later on after few hours, other friends came over.

    During this time I tried to not look at him or pay attention to him. Every minute or so he would scratch his face or stretch in my direction to look at me, or he would do something to get my attention and keep looking at me, and when he noticed I wasn't looking he would just say my name and say something. So it went well.

    And today, there was an argument between a friend and some guy. He basically said on social media that "if you can't make babies, it's not right" and the guy was bagging on gays and my friend said "well that's funny considering I think you're gay." And basically it blew up from there and the guy's friend jumped in and threatened to fight my friend (who is straight, but very open-minded and mature). And in a group chat he (and by he I mean my friend who this topic is about) was defending the guy who threatened to get physical to solve the problem, saying it's uncharacteristic of him. We disagreed and started arguing (but it was civilized, and I said "if I seem too hotheaded I'm sorry I don't mean to be") and he said "you judge people too quickly" and as a response a few minutes later I said "you think I judge too quickly, but I think you have trouble admitting things to yourself and to others." And we ended arguing around 10 minutes later.

    Then 10 minutes after that, I decided to text him saying "sorry for pointing out the admitting stuff in the group chat, it was immature of me and unnecessary and I shouldn't have put you on the spot like that or even brought it up."

    And he said "Nah it's okay I didn't think much of it and it wasn't too uncalled for I pointed something out of how I feel of you and you did as well lol no big deal. But yeah I don't have much trouble admitting things to myself. Just with others I guess because I don't like being judged or people thinking completely different of me idk. I feel like it's hard to express myself sometimes and I usually don't share my thoughts with others so when someone feels some particular way about me when they don't know as much of me as they should or as much as I want them to I'm sometimes just quick to deny it or whatever. Idk if I'm making much sense maybe I should clarify this mini vent in person lol"

    And I said "Well from my viewpoint, everyone gets judged no matter what, and in general try not to be so concerned about what others think. I'm just saying that because you live for yourself and not others and that's always a good thing to remember. And that's totally fine. One thing with me is that I'm extremely open-minded, so yeah even though our friendship is the biggest clusterfuck of life and you feel like I judge you and others too much and I do say hurtful shit to you, you should never be hestitant when it comes to opening up to me, asking me questions, or anything of the sort. Especially since despite my admittedly somewhat negative viewpoint on you at the moment, I still enjoy your company a lot so you shouldn't take the harsh shit I say or admit too seriously. It's good to open up and I'm not saying I've had the hardest life on the planet, I haven't. But I've experienced quite a bit and I'd like to think I'm mature for my age. So yeah you should always feel free to open up to me."

    And he said "Yeah I agree but I only care about being judged when it's by someone I care about. I wouldn't care at all what a random person thinks of me. And likewise if you ever want to open up or say something on your mind"

    And I said "That's good to know. And for sure dude. Communication is always good"


    And one of my best friends, who is the only person I told aside from him, and I told her everything, thinks this situation is really weird and she said "even though I had a thing for him and we hooked up a few times I always thought he was gay. At school I keep calling him my gay best friend and I've slickly said that you and him should date. Next time you should just kiss him" lol


    So I don't know... strange update, but I think at least friendship-wise things are getting better.


    Thoughts?
     
    #455 heythere999, Oct 14, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2014
  16. heythere999

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  17. JimmyB

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    Hi,

    I think she's right. Kissing him might actually work. That way you can really show him what you feel and that you mean it. It's probabaly something he also wanted to do for a long time. If you do it, he can't hide anymore, because his feeling will take over and that kiss might lead to something more.

    At this point, there's not much left to do. If you two just keep hanging out and talk and do all the things you've told us about, not much will ever happen. Somebody has to make a move, a big step.

    I hope that my advice can help you and everything works out.
     
  18. heythere999

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    Have you read the entire thread including the last post? What are your overall thoughts?


    And how exactly would I kiss him or lead up to it? That'll be an even bigger risk than my admittance text...
     
  19. heythere999

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    Actually I see a very ample opportunity this coming Saturday. We are celebrating a friend's birthday and the next morning I have to go with him to our weekly organization meeting. I can ask him if I could sleep over and I always sleep in his room when I do and a birthday celebration means drinking, which is something that at least I will do. So I could easily go into his room and hug him before he sleeps and then just casually kiss him...

    But what if he freaks out? This could destroy the friendship completely, this could destroy my friendship with the others... I have no clue how he'll react.
     
  20. heythere999

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    Shameless bump

    Forum seems to be a lot more active lately!
     
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