When is it selfish versus happiness?

Children are very resilient. So long as you provide for them, give them the love they deserve, continue to have both parents participate in their lives, while painful, they should be able to get through their parents breaking up. I am not sure staying together for the sake of the kids in an unhappy relationship makes sense. Your unhappiness will be apparent to them, to your spouse, and that may be potentially damaging just as well.

 

I think you have a right to pursue your happiness. It's more complicated with your children, obviously, and it's important that they be taken cqre of but its not selfish to want to be happy.

---------- Post added 20th Oct 2014 at 02:37 PM ----------

Also, welcome.

You will likely find other people here who are facing or have faced similar situations. I have and its been extremely helpful.

 

"Outsiders"? Not sure what other say should be relevant to your happiness.

 

It doesn't matter how things look to the outside world. They don't have to live with what you live with. What about YOU?

You're not being selfish for wanting to be happy. HE'S being selfish for not making an effort when you're not happy. It's great that you can both get along, but relationships shouldn't just SETTLE. Good, strong relationships are give, and take, working together for the benefit of both of you. Not saying they're EASY, but they don't just settle, they continue to bring the right balance for both parties.

As it's been said, your children will adjust, as things in your lives may change, as long as they have your support and love. You have to take care of YOU. Don't stay with him just for the kids. That will be a miserable and painful existence. Been there, done that. Your well being is important, too.

 

Yes, I've often wished for a manual myself lol. The sparks are the initial connection between you. Whether or not you have a lasting connection remains to be seen, given how much you interact with each other.

 

I agree with the others your happiness is more important , and kids would rather see their mommy happy than sad or upset .

 

Similar stories: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/143948-has-never-happened-before.html

And the follow up thread: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/155445-my-trigger-crush-friends.html

 

To answer a question from your original post, I think many, many people (straight and gay) "settle" and stay in relationships that have lost their spark. People fear change and the path of least resistance is the easiest one to follow.

Successful long term relationships take work. The honeymoon period will end and that's when both people need to prove their commitment to making it last. It sure sounds like your husband has given up trying. In my book, that gives you all the reason you need to make a change.

As for the kids, it sounds like a cliche, but they really are resilient. In the past year, my kids have lived though the separation of their parents, moving to a new town, starting new schools and building new friendships. They're handling it all amazingly well...much better than I expected. I think it's because their mother and I are both committed to being engaged in their lives and they've never doubted that they will alway have the unconditional love of both of their parents.

Best of luck to you in whatever path you choose.

 

First, welcome to EC

staying for the kids won't help the kids one "jot" they know it isn't working and that mom and dad aren't happy. my ex and i stayed longer than we should of, i rationalized that i was staying for the good of the kid (even as i knew that was bull) i rationalized alot of ways. since we split, he is happier, more relaxed and just able to be the kid that he wasn't before. I'm happier too, and able to pursue my own journey as i please. He sees me as happier, for the most part, and i've even lost some weight. my point is that it's your life, your path, your husband and "outsiders" cannot and should not dictate who you are and who you can be. and the kids will be Ok, as long as they are loved, provided for and let to be kids.

 

Hey Tat, welcome to EC!

In any couple there are three entities: the two partners, and the relationship. Yes, that thing we call a "relationship" is an entity unto itself, it requires being taken care of, with intention and commitment.

One of the biggest problems in families today is to put the kids above the relationship; to consider them more important than the connection between the parents. This is a fundamental mistake...with the outcome that, after the kids move out (it happens sooner than you think!), there is nothing left between you!

It is obvious he has made no effort to build and maintain your relationship, if you want to escape that, why is that selfish? He wants to maintain the status quo without doing the work to keep it healthy, how is that NOT selfish?

 

If he said he'd be reasonable and amicable during a split; you have no idea how lucky you are!

He may consider the work he is doing in your shared home as a gesture of love, that is not to be discounted, everyone has their own love language and this may be his way of demonstrating his love. He may also be the type that simply enjoys building things, that is just the way some men are. But he is oblivious to what your love-language is, he simply doesn't seem to understand that the effort he has to make is, first and foremost, to understand what you need.

 

the Robin Williams quote comes to mind here: the worst thing is not to be alone but to be with people who make you feel alone. (paraphrase)

 

If it is any consolation, it may very well be that he needs this less-than-pleasant "life lesson". Any crisis, any failure can either be done badly or well. Why not choose to take this "failure" (a lie, just as success is a lie) as an opportunity to learn.

In actuality, no loving relationship can be called a failure. It was a worthwhile experience for both of you...it is tragic, sad and uncomfortable to make such a radical change, but it's for the sake of love, not only for you but for him as well. He can, if he takes this event in the proper spirit, learn much from this and eventually, having learned this relatively harsh lesson, he may find someone that inspires him to the same extent that you are inspired with your GF.

Just one caveat (a little dose of clear-sighted realism), I noticed that you mentioned above that you observed other couples that seem to have a more exciting time with each other...just know that appearances can be deceiving. Understand that pretty much every relationship has issues, just as your relationship with your GF may turn up issues that could surprise or even disappoint you. You are in the honeymoon phase, it can distort somewhat your sense of reality.

What I am saying, essentially, is that you yourself need to be happy with the possibility of being alone. It does not necessarily follow that because you are leaving a loveless marriage that you will immediately find the love you seek...life is just a lot more complicated than that...