An opportunity to explore but it doesn't feel good.

this sounds like blackmail

talk about mixed signals

sorry to hear this must be very stressful … any chance you could aim for couples counselling?

because it sounds like communication is a bit hit and miss

or can you try and open up to her some more?

 

It seems completely reasonable that you would feel uncomfortable with this. Moving the marriage aside for a moment, there would still be a fair amount of anxiety and worry that would come with being in a position where you feel that you are running out of time when it comes to discovering yourself.

The biggest thing about being confused within a relationship is that if you are currently unsatisfied within it, then the truth behind your sexuality becomes irrelevant in whether it should continue. If you feel as though something is missing, something is missing. If you have been feeling distant and unsatisfied, it is because you both have drifted apart and you are truly unsatisfied. Regardless of where your self-discovery leaves you, these issues within this marriage will remain. Sometimes there isn't any rhyme or reason to why these things happen, but they happen to relationships with heterosexuals couples just as often. Discovering that you aren't able to be satisfied by men won't send the chemistry and compatibility pouring back in.

I would strongly recommend coming to terms with that reality first. Otherwise, moving forward with this will feel like betrayal because, regardless of whether she knows, you are betraying your personal values when it comes to loyalty and infidelity. Not to mention, especially for older age groups, experimentation and random sex is a horrible way to settle confusion. Many people need much more of a connection and romantic experience to discover what satisfies them completely.

It is also crucial to remember that this is an extremely difficult position for a heterosexual counterpart to be in. At the end of the day, she has the right to know where she fits into all of this. She doesn't deserve to be trapped within a relationship that is doomed to fail not more than the OP does.

 

Hi,

What a Machiavellian bargain. Lose-Lose

Have you discussed the bargain she offered after she calmed down?

Sorry man, it is tough initially without that bargain.

Tom

 

Here's the one part I'm picking up on...that she'll be suicidal, the community will have an uprising, whatever..she WON'T and your personal life is none of the community's business. The time limit thing is her defense mechanism, also. Gen is making sense, IMO.

 

As has been said many times in this forum, you don't need to have a same sex experience to know whether you're gay. You just know.

If you do go out and experiment with guys and it doesn't live up to your expectations, it doesn't mean you're straight. It's probably that it wasn't the right guy or that you need time to develop a real relationship to feel the intensity you desire.

So this idea of having some flings, even with her knowledge, seems like you're both avoiding the core issue. You're gay and you can never have a complete romantic relationship with a woman.

There's no guarantee that you (or any of us) will find a guy we're madly in love with and who feels the same about us. Is it worth the risk to pursue it at such a high cost to you and your wife. It's a very difficult question. For me, the answer was yes, but only you can answer it for yourself.

 

Thanks for the update - if I could add a thought or two:

My most recent former wife and I are still best friends. We're emotionally closer now than we were while we were married, because there isn't this unnamed presence looming between us. She now knows that our broken sex life wasn't my rejecting her femininity, it was because my own sexual makeup doesn't seem to include something she very much needed. (She, um, couldn't live on appetizers...) I still admire women, and find their bodies very attractive - it's a standing joke between my new husband and me that when we see a hetero couple jogging along the sidewalk, he looks at the guy and I look at the girl! And that's fine with him, because he is secure in knowing that I am his lover and husband and (in our situation) caregiver. It's whatever works for the people involved.

And it takes the time it takes, I guess. I started coming out as gay several years ago, but looking more closely at my bisexuality is something that's just now happening. It was driven by a sense of unmet needs which would never have resolved on its own. I had to do something about it, however reluctant and hesitant I felt. That's what led me to find this place :icon_bigg

 

You're not responsible for her actions, or even her happiness. Her emotional manipulation is very common amongst a few of our straight spouses. It gets tiresome after a while.

You're happiness is your choice.

Be well take time and live in the moment.

 

My words echo all the great advice you have already received. While not the right solution for many reasons, I would add in that giving a timeline of four months is a little unreasonable. Like spaceman said, you could go out and experiment and not enjoy it, but it's probably because you aren't meeting the right person. One thing I am finding is that none of this is finite and constructing deadlines for something like this just isn't going to work- at least not for me.

Good luck! Please keep up posted. Will be thinking of you.

 

She was "betting the farm" that you would not find a satisfying relationship within her time deadline, which is probably true, to sort of blackmail you into staying with her. This is a ridiculous "bargain", which really isn't a bargain at all. You know how you feel inside; you don't need to go jump in the water to know if you want to swim. The only question at this point is, as a 58 year old man, do you want to rewrite the end of your life to this new script, or do you want to play out the role you have been playing for most of your life, or is there some actual "bargain" you can work out where you stay married but enjoy the company of another man. It sounds like what you want is not going to be met by doors number 2 or 3. I don't see how you can "be held, cherished, loved by and have sex with a man" and still be with your wife. If you just wanted some occasional male companionship with a friend, you might be able to stay married and enjoy some "best friend" boys night out time on the side. But that is not what you say you want. Either your desires or your marriage status are going to have to change, and your family will have to deal with it and move on. I wish you the best in dealing with this sad situation.

 

I can relate to so much of what you're saying. My wife has gone to a therapist perhaps twice, neither time really related to my coming out to her, and she is completely unwilling to do any kind of couples or family counseling. She didn't tell anyone for nearly a year that I was gay because she was positive she'd be judged and laughed at and felt it was too personal to discuss, and really has only become more open because a gossipy neighbor found out and started spreading the word around.

The suicidal drama on her part really does sound like emotional manipulation, and she's done some of that too. Her version is more subtle, talking about how miserable she will be forever, and often not bothering to take meds that she needs (which is a trick she's used for years, actually). But something in your last post jumped out at me - "after these last two days of unrest between us, we then climb into bed together at night, naked, skin on skin, and hold each other like we always have." That would send some very intensely mixed messages to someone who's already in an emotional state. You may need to set some extremely clear boundaries in order to start inching towards a different life, and sleeping together, naked and holding each other, is really no boundary at all. Perhaps you could sleep in another room, as some kind of first step towards some degree of private space?

I dealt with a lot of very emotional questioning, comments and negativity after I came out to her (and I still do). It may be that you and your wife are closer than I am with mine, if you still consider yourself special friends. I had considered us best friends early in our relationship and had also felt "swept off my feet", but over the years it grew clear how one-sided our "friendship" really was, and how unwilling she was to give even a little bit towards making it more equitable. That was a major factor in my willingness to take the risk and come out in the first place - there was just too much missing from our relationship. It's possible that her emotional response may start your mind going in that direction; I can tell you that realizing that more consciously has made me feel a lot better about my decisions. I just don't feel the same level of guilt and sympathy for her that I originally did.

Last thing (I promise!) - experimenting is definitely not a prerequisite for being "sure" you're gay. If you're sure in your mind that you're gay, then sex with a guy will be a great confirmation, but after all, straight guys are quite aware that they're NOT gay, even before they have sex with anyone, so it doesn't take an actual experience to know what your orientation is, if you really consider all the signals. So if hookups aren't your thing, don't seek one out to "prove" something to yourself. You'll add a level of discomfort or distaste to it that you really don't want. I have nothing against hookups in theory but they're not really for me, and I'm glad my first experiences were with someone very special. If that's how you feel, don't settle to try and prove something that really doesn't need to be proven.

 

Oh man, can I identify with this. I haven't been married for nearly as long as you but the physical intimacy and closeness with my wife is probably the main reason I haven't already leaped over the cliff.

For me, it is an utterly heartbreaking situation: how do I tell this person, who I love so dearly, that (I think) I want something similar but not quite the same with a man? How do I even admit that to myself fully?

Makes me want to scream in bewilderment and frustration.

 

I think it is important to figure to what you want out of your relationships. Some here have decided to remain exclusively married, some have more open marriages, some have left their marriages. It comes down to what you want to get out of life, and that's a hard (and changing) goal. What kind of future do you see for yourself?

For me, I'm happy in my marriage. As much as I wish I had had more same-sex experiences before I got married so I could have figured out my orientation, I didn't. Since I'm pretty happy now, it's not worth it for me to get a divorce and try to find another soul mate. That doesn't mean I don't sometimes wish I could have a relationship with a woman (or at least sex), but that's not in the cards for me (at least not now). If something changes in my marriage, I can reexamine my goals and my future.

I think a timeline is not helpful to either of you - everyone goes at a different rate down this path, and if you really think she is suicidal, figure out a way to get her help. Do you think your kids would "side" with you? What does that mean? Do you live in a really conservative place where people would freak out?

 

This article might be helpful for you: The New Mixed Marriage: One Straight Spouse, One Gay Spouse | Joe Kort, Ph.D.

I found his description of the 4 phases of the process to be very useful. Sounds like you are "honeymooning" a bit.