need advice and need to vent

Thank you for replying back. When we had an argument this week he suggested I should go pick up my stuff. Meaning the things that I got for him. Keep in mind, that I bought him a lot of shoes, tshirts and shorts. Not that I want them back, I would just take them back to be a dick. But idk if I would be making the right deduction. It just makes me upset that after all this time, I finally see the real him. He used me all this time. He never respected me or cared for me. He just enjoyed all the things I would do for him. I was literally there for him. Whenever he needed anything, I was there. He has cried I front of me etc. at any given point or time, I was there for him. I can honestly say that no one else would do the shit I have done for this kid. I'm not mad at him, I am upset at myself for letting things get this far. A part of me just wants to take everything back, but then again if I reach out to him and ask him for the stuff I got him, he will know that I am upset and that I still think about him. I rather him think that I have moved on and that I no longer think about him. He talks to people that have not done anything for him, yet he chosew them over me? But I'm not mad about that. I know my worth now and I know what I deserve and I deserve better!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Hope you guys are doing well. So I have not talked to him for a while and the pain remains. How much long till I forget about him? Till the pain goes away and the memories fade away? I emailed him this today "I wanted to to talk to you on the phone and I tried calling your 815# but you probably deleted the app. I just want to explain myself why I acted the way I did. Shit has been crazy man. In all honesty carlos, yes I did think you were interested or at least curious because you would tell me certain things that you don't tell another man. To you making up girlfriends only made me think that you were afraid and that was a way for you not to feel gay. Whether or not you enjoyed the things we did that I cannot speak about just know that you made things seemed like you did like me and I am sure you know this. To us texting all the time and you feeling uncomfortable cause you felt comfortable texting me. To you getting jealous when I told you was talking to someone, to you trying to make me jealous. I know it's hard but just know that my intentions weren't bad. To sum things up, I did feel like you liked me and you made it seem like you did as well but you were afraid. I'm sure you know were I am coming from" it's something that I've never told him before and he has not replied which I doubt that he will. The thing, am I just really fucking stupid? I know damn well he is not good for me, yet I am still stuck in stupid. Depressions seems to get to me but I will fight it. I have to move on but I'm my head I still think he was interested

 

This is how I am feeling. And I text him this.
I didn't understand before, but I understand now. "I've made your life a living hell. I let you down when you needed me the most. I destroyed you in the most horrible way. I took advantage of you. I became your enabler. My words said one thing but my actions did otherwise. And you have every reason to not fuck with me ever again. Yesterday, I did not need to give you a reason yesterday because you already had so many to not speak to ever again. I am ashamed and feel so guilty of how I acted and how I brought nothing but misery into your life. I appreciate you forgiving me it only shows how good of a person you are. Don't feel like you have to hit me up next year. Because in all honesty, you have every reason not too. And to be honest, if I were you, I wouldn't. Take care"
At this point, I don't want to be friends with him. I am no good for him. I just want to be alone and forget things. This whole time I was blaming him, but everything was my fault

 

So last night I had a dream about him. This morning, I get a call from his number. I answered it and no one answered. He then hangs up. So I called him back and he said "my bad I pocket dialed you." I said "ok" then hung up. But he has a touch screen phone is that even possible to pocket dial someone? I'm sure that he doesn't even have my number saved on his phone. Any thoughts?

 

Hi guys, I just need someone to talk too. Again, him and I talked again and I found out that he is still doing pills. I honestly thought he had quit. Now, I understand what you guys had been telling me since day 1. I cannot help him or change him. I didn't not understand addiction like I do now. I also realize that I was in love with a person that never existed. I was in love with who he could. Now that I see him for who he is, I don't love him anymore. Don't get me wrong, there are times were I do miss him, but I guess it's part of moving on. He is working which is good, but I decided not to be friends with him until he is clean. Unlike before, we did not fight or argue we left with peace. I will not make the same mistake again of offering him money for sex in return. I will never put him or myself in that situation. Now, I'm debating whether or not I should tell his parents about his addiction and how serious it is? I wanted to help him before his parents found out. I don't want to bring any problems or pain to his parents but idk what to do. Any advice would help

 

Have not been posting on here. Hope all of you are doing well. Well I guess this finalizes my story. I completely ended all contact with him about a month ago and this time is for good. I asked him to change his phone number and I told him that I will no longer contact him. He was a bit hesitant and did not want to change it. He said that it will not change a thing since he said I will probably end up contacting him like I have in the past. I can honestly say that I am still sad about ending our friendship, but I know that it is what is best for us. Letting go is hard, but i'm learning how to do it. I know its a process and it will not happen over night. I must say, he was my addiction and sometimes i wish we would still talk. I am know seeing a therapist once a week and it is helping me cope with all of this mess. It definitely has been a learning experience for myself. I loved this kid more than anything. I learned to love, but I also learned that I cannot force others to like me the way i want to be liked. I also learned that I cannot change the behaviors of others. At times, i still wonder if he even liked me, but regardless if he did or not, he taught me a lot. I've learned from my mistakes and I also learned about things about myself that I did not know before. Like I mentioned before, letting go is not easy, but I finally realized that its something I had to do. At times, i still get sad when i think that he is destroying his life with drugs, but then again i have no control of him. I just pray and hope that one day he realizes what he is doing to himself and that he changes himself before it is all too late. I also hope that he finds a good girl that will love him as much as I did or more that will help him change. I am also learning about codependency which is something that I am dealing with. All of you had given amazing advice and I would do the opposite, but I finally realized my own worth. See, before i wanted him to like to realize how amazing i was but then i realize that i was losing my worth by trying to prove to him how amazing i am. I am far from perfect. I still feel guilt and regret for offering money in exchange of sex. I have no hate towards him, nor will I ever hate him. Whether he used me or not, i cannot say but what i do know is that i never want to feel that pain again in my life. Love can have you doing some stupid things. Although we had constant fights, we still had a great time doing all the stupid things we did. Even though he didn't like me like i did, thanks to him i felt what its like to love someone unconditionally. Love is an amazing feeling. You care for someone else more than you do for yourself. I can honestly say that i had never experience this kind of love before. The memories do not make the pain any easier but i am learning everyday to deal with it. Some days are harder than others, but im sure something good will come out of all of this mess. I hope i hear from some of you guys. Feel free to ask me any questions or to just simply chat. Cheers to all of you!

 

Thank you for replying back almostblue. I agree with you. My emotions got the best of me. I want to say I did love him since I have never felt anything like that before yet, I questions myself at times. Seeing him happy made me happy. I wanted to help him quit pills but I ended up making things worst for him. I'm doing much better now. I mean don't get me wrong when I dream about him or think about the memories we had whether good or mad I get sad but I am slowly but surely getting over it. Therapy is definitely helping me a lot. It's definitely not easy but this time I'm going to move forward and like you said just focus on myself. And as far as me paying him for sex, I still feel guilty for putting him in that position. But boy did I learn. Now I understand that he only stuck around because of the money and I cannot blame him for it. He did what he had to do to get his fix. It still kills me that he is still doing drugs but that is something that I finally realize I have no control off. Me paying him for money and although I enjoyed it, it made me feel some type of security knowing that he had money for his pills. At times, I would even drive him to get them. I wrote him this email

Dear (his name),

I miss you. I ache for you to fill your place in my life.

Will I ever again Hear your laugh? See you proud?

I don’t want you to be an addict. I don’t want you to push me away. I don’t want you to die. I want you to be sober and happy and to fulfill your dreams and fill your soul. I want you to be (his name) But addiction is sucking the life out of you. Sucking the you out of you.

I’m haunted by the difficult life you are living; I’m sad for the life you could have but are missing; and I grieve for the loss of my friend who is still alive. I stopped trying to contact you, not because I stopped caring, but because I had to stop the self-inflicted pain.

I made a lot of mistakes trying to help you, sometimes treating you like an adult when you were acting like a child, and treating you like a child though you’re an adult. I tried warm fuzzy love and I tried tough love. I tried keeping you from hitting bottom, bringing the bottom up to you, and getting you into treatment when I thought you’d hit bottom. And I struggled to recognize the difference between helping and enabling — I tried so hard to stay on the right side of an invisible line between helping you to live and helping you to die.

Through trial and error and lack of results, I learned that I can’t fix this for you. And I learned that I love you enough to bear the toughest love of all.

Sometimes love means doing nothing rather than doing something.

But, (his name), Letting Go is not the same thing as giving up.

There is a place in my life that is exactly your size.




I’m keeping it warm.

Love,


I hope some of you reply just to get advice and have someone to talk too

Sent from my iPhone

 

Hope you all enjoyed your holiday. Just a bit depress but i seem to be doing better. Still i have not contacted him although at times i just want to make sure if he is ok. I no longer want to hurt him or for him to hurt me. I am finally moving forward with my life but at times all of the memories just start coming at me all at once. Whether good or bad him and i had some great times. all of this is extremely overwhelming and im still in shock that i acted the way i acted and that i allowed him to act in such behavior towards me.