Introduction and seeking advice

Hey there, everyone!

I decided to register and post my story, because I feel like it's high time I did something.

So here's my story, I tried to make it as short as possible (well, at that I failed miserably ). I gave titles to certain parts to make it look less chaotic. My mother tongue is not English, so please forgive me any misspellings or grammatical errors.

Signs in the past
I'm a 24 year old male, and I'm gay/bisexual. I will explain the slash mark later.
Recently I have been finding out more and more about myself, including my sexuality, and I just realized that I have always been bi/gay.

If I remember correctly, the first time I heard about homosexuality was in primary school in third grade. A random kid whom I didn't know just ran up to me and asked me 'Are you homosexual?' I had no clue what that word meant, so I replied 'No', in case it meant something bad. Nothing more happened then.

The next time it came up, was a bit later in that year, when I was sitting in the classroom, flipping the pages of a magazine that one of my classmates brought to school (it was about sports or something). A few kids were standing next to me and behind me, also looking at the magazine.
I turned to a page where there was a picture of a soccer player or whatever he was, and someone said something about him, pointing at the picture. Then I heard someone say 'gay'. I replied 'Yeah', because the guy in the picture looked quite stupid, and all I knew that the word meant something bad, and they just talked about this guy, so I thought the remark was about him.
That was when they all started laughing at me, because it turned out that the one who said 'gay' was pointing at me behind my back when he said it. I told my father this story, still not knowing anything about homosexuality. He had a grim expression on his face, and told me to call them 'fags' in return. I did, and they called me gay for a few more days, then they stopped.

It was about that time when minor incidents happened. My father had lots of Indian (Native American) themed stuff from his childhood, including a naked statue of an Indian warrior, and a picture of three naked Indians giving thanks to their gods. I saw the same grim expression on him when I told him I liked that statue, and also when (of all the tons of pictures) I recreated (painted) the one with the naked Indians. I realized that this happened every time I talked about or looked at naked men, so I stopped doing it.

At the age of 10 or 11 when I talked with my (then) best friend about sexuality (neither of us had much knowledge about it), I told him that I liked to look at grown naked women and boys of my age. He replied with a disgusted face: 'No, not a boy...' but that was it, we didn't talk about it ever again.

Life FUBAR
I started my fifth grade in another school, which soon turned out to be both a prison and a torture chamber for the next four years.
Two classmates pissed me off with something, so I started pushing them a few times, and they started to yell 'queer'. But it was just the beginning, they didn't stop, and eventually most of the class thought I was gay. I had a crush on one of the girls in class, but all my attempts failed, clearly I didn't know how to do it.
After sixth grade in the summer camp with the class was the point when everything turned really bad. About 10 teenage boys in a cabin with awakening hormones talking about nothing but sex... what could go wrong? Well, everything. One of them had the idea to tell each other how big our private parts are. Naturally – on top of the rumor that I was gay – mine turned out to be the smallest.

From that point to the end of the last year I got the worst from everyone in school. Everybody hated me, laughed at me, mocked me, bullied me, not just verbally, but physically. Needless to say, this ruined my life regarding sexuality and social connections, giving me more hang-ups than I could ever imagine. Not trusting anybody, being shy, fearing rejection, having only 2 friends, being afraid of someone seeing me naked, and people in general – so basically social phobia.

This is how I started secondary school. People were really cool there, and I loved that 4 years, that was the best time of my life. Nobody knew me there, nobody knew about my past, but due to the hang-ups I didn't really socialize. For one and a half years I felt deep love for a girl in my class (she didn't love me back), then I had a crush on one or two, but I didn't have the courage to ask them out, though in retrospect I had a good chance they would say yes. I dabbled in online dating for a while without success, but soon I gave up on it, saying it doesn't work. I didn't really have gay thoughts back then.

Introspection
After starting university, I had a lot of time alone, because I couldn't form new friendships, and I had time to get to know myself better. It was around this time I noticed that whenever I watched porn, I looked more at the guys then the girls. In a short time I reached the point where I only watched gay porn, trying to convince myself that it's just curiosity, a temporary thing, and it will pass. It didn't pass, and I was freaking out about it. I can't be gay!

I forced myself to watch only lesbian porn, no more guys, never! For a few months I managed to find release only fantasizing about women. But then, time after time I returned to straight porn, then gay porn. It took me quite a while to accept that I'm attracted to males, but I was attracted to females too (still am). Basically I came out to myself, and now I have no problem admitting (to myself) that I'm bisexual. Lately I've been much more attracted to men than women, that's why I added the slash mark, because I can't really tell whether I'm completely gay, or just bi.

Grim present and doubtful future
My main problem is this: I have always been craving for other people's acceptance, because that's what I have always been lacking in the terms of broader social connections. This is why I'm so concerned about other people's opinions about me, and this is why I'm hiding my sexuality. I'm afraid that those few people who accept me as I am would reject me as well, and then I would have nobody. No friends, no family, no nothing. Recently I have been more depressed, and I was even thinking about suicide. Not about really doing it, just about how it would affect these few people. Even imagining their misery banished these thoughts, but If I had nobody, I'm sure I would consider it seriously.

Even if I came out of the closet, the hang-ups that prevent me from building social connections would still persist. I still wouldn't know how to approach a boy or a girl, or how to maintain a relationship, or how to take it to the next level. Which one is better? Living an artificial, secretive life, forever pretending to be the guy everyone thinks I am and being accepted by most people? Or taking the risk of being rejected, hated, bullied, tortured, experiencing all that shit again, hurting my family and freaking out my friends? Would it even worth it If I still wouldn't be able to start a relationship?

I have been thinking a lot about coming out to my family or friends, but all I can envision is rejection and hate. Recently there has been more talk in my family about gay people, and all they say is 'disgusting', 'I hate them', 'abnormal' and so on... I can't come out to my family because we had quite a few tragedies in the last 2 years. That would just make everything worse for them. I can't come out to my only two friends, because I fear I will lose them. And I don't want to see that expression on my father's face again, the expression of disappointment and fear of having a gay son.

In closing
Whenever there's talk (with friends) about girlfriends, or dating, I just give some neutral remarks and try to stay invisible. I have been asked by my family quite a few times if I had a girlfriend, then 'Why don't you have a girlfriend?' and 'When will you get a girlfriend?' and such. I always say that I'm focusing on studying or I don't have time for that etc. Anytime any of my relatives starts to talk about love and sex and girlfriends, I try to get away from the conversation.

I'm afraid that they suspect, or they're at least concerned about the possibility that I might be gay. A 24 year old guy, who's not completely unattractive (family's opinion, I completely disagree) and who has never dated a girl is bound to raise some questions. Also, being a virgin is getting more and more depressing as time goes by, it makes me feel like I'm running out of time and I'm a total loser.

If you have read this far, thank you. I promise my other posts won't be this long. Any constructive opinions, suggestions, ideas or remarks are welcome. I'm sure there are others here with similar problems, and I would like to hear your opinions or how you coped with these problems.

Greetings from the heart of Europe.

HunGuy

 

I've got the same problem, with coming out to my friends. I guess that only time will tell. Don't feel pressured into getting in a relationship, take your time, and see where it gets you. Hope everything works out for you

 

First of all welcome to Empty Closets and thank you for being so open with your thoughts and feelings. It must have taken a certain amount of courage and consideration to type all of that, especially when English is not your first language. You did well as I was able to understand every word.

I don’t know what social attitudes are like towards homosexuality in Hungary, but I suspect they are somewhat less tolerant than in Western Europe. It seems you have heard overwhelming negativity and vitriol spoken about gay people throughout your life, so there is little wonder you feel so anxious and uncomfortable about the idea of coming out and trying to form relationships. In your circumstances, I’m sure most people would feel exactly the same. For you, the bitter comments came from all directions; your own family and peers. It must have seemed that everyone was/is against gay (or bisexual) people. Even at an early age, you had come to realise that ‘gay’ was a word associated with something bad.

The bullying and torment you endured so early in life about your sexuality must have seemed devastating and it’s clearly affected you into adulthood, with the social and relationship anxiety. Would I be right in assuming it’s all added to the layers of shame and distress?

During those moments of reflection, have you been hurt by the thought that the bullies recognised something in you all those years ago (something you did not even recognise in yourself)? I’m wondering if that line of thinking (combined with the thought that your family have suspicions) has made self acceptance more difficult? It’s not uncommon for issues like this to surface during therapy and I’m wondering if you would consider talking through everything with a therapist to see if there is a way forward for you.

Clearly, the two options you outlined in grim present/doubtful future are totally unpalatable. Either way, you will be left hurt and wounded. If you are open to the idea of therapy, you may (with support) find a different course that will not compromise your well-being and future happiness so much. What do you think? For example, could your studies lead to career opportunities in another part of the European Union? A future in a country with more progressive values and an opportunity for you to start afresh? Maybe something to explore?

The idea that you have to lose your virginity by a certain age is often mentioned on this forum and I really don’t know why. It’s almost as though everyone thinks everyone else is having sex like rabbits, when the reality is really quite different. Being a virgin at 24 does not make you a loser. As a matter of fact, I was in my 20’s before I had sex for the first time and by some people’s definition (of losing virginity) I would have been nearer 30. It’s really not the big deal we often make it out to be.

I’m pleased you joined Empty Closets and I hope it has helped you to share some of the heartache with us. Stay connected and use the message boards to make friends and get some hope back into you life. It’s a good place to start and we really do care.

 

Hunguy, you are clearly very much in touch with your feelings and are extremely articulate. You have a good grasp on what's bothering you, and that is the first step in finding a solution. I agree with others that you are not alone in how you feel, and that seeing a therapist to speak to might do you a lot of good. At the same time, I believe you can overcome your social concerns and build confidence despite your history from school. If your family suspects your gay/bi, and the worst you can remember is a look on your fathers face from when you were younger, you may have more of an ability to speak with them than you perceive. The mind has a funny way of playing games with one's self. Find a professional to help you work through it, I belive its a journey worth taking.

 

Thank you for the kind words, folks!

ForNarnia: Yeah, I know it's not quite healthy to obsess over getting into a relationship. However, aside from the pressure of our social environment, I also have an internal urge to have someone (as I think most people do). I feel like I'm missing out, and an important part of my life is just passing me by.

Spartan_117: Although it's certainly a good feeling that I'm not alone with this, unfortunately it doesn't help a lot to know others are struggling with these problems too. It makes me sad that today's society makes cripples out of so many people, just because of their sexuality or because it feels so great to bullies to hurt others to prove to their friends they are 'superior' or 'cool'.

PatrickUK: Your guess is right. Whenever there was talk about gays or homosexuality in general (after those events), I was trying to act 'normal', I did everything I could to avoid being labelled as gay again. That was just another hang-up added to the others. For example there was a semi-openly gay guy in our class in high school, and I often chimed in with rude comments about him whenever my classmates were talking about him, because I feared that if I don't say anything, they would call me gay.
As for being hurt by the thought that the bullies recognized my sexuality: no. At least not counsciously. Maybe it was affecting the difficulty of my self-acceptance on a subconscious level, but I don't even remember thinking about the bullies when coming out to myself. My greatest concern was disappointing my family, and realizing that this will isolate me even more from society.
And yeah, Hungary isn't quite advanced in the field of recognising different sexual preferences. I guess 45 years of communism didn't really result in open minds.

UsxUK: I'v been thinking about seeking professional help, though I don't really know what you and Patrick refer to as 'therapist' – is it the same as a psychologist? Because in Hungary I've only heard about psychologists. Also, opening up to a total stranger is a near-impossible task for me. I can't even open up fully to my cousin, although she's the one I'm the closest to in the family.

Maybe it would be best to cope with my basic issues alone, then when I'm able to, I can get additional help from a professional. I already started reading a self-help book about overcoming anxiety, and I'm trying some meditation techniques too to banish negative thoughts. Also, I'm determined to lose some weight and get in shape, because I'm sure that having a healthier and better looking body will boost my confidence at least a bit.

 

Pretty much. In some countries it's psychologists, in others therapists or counsellors. Whilst there may be some difference in terminology and practice from country to country, it amounts to professional help and support. I really think you would benefit.

Talking about our feelings is not always easy, but it's often easier to talk to a complete stranger who is not directly or personally involved in our lives, especially if that person is well trained and works on the principle of not being judgemental.

Ultimately, the decision is yours to make HunGuy, but try not to rule things out quickly. When you are in a low place everything can seem like an effort, but if you are able to 'dig in' for the sake of your future well-being you may surprise yourself.

Whatever you decide, stay with us and keep talking. It's a positive thing to do.

 

Thank you Patrick, I'll consider your advice.

 

I decided I'll see my university's psychologist. I plan to visit her some time next week. I hope she can help, though it will surely take some time for me to open up. If I make any progress, I'll post it here.

 

Szervusz, HunGuy! I read through your introduction and noticed (like USxUK) how articulate you are. I understand how hard it is to come out to family, for fear of disappointment or even worse. It is extremely heartbreaking when you hear your own family members say how disgusting and unnatural it is to be gay.

However you've done a brave thing by deciding to meet up with your psychologist. I hope she will be a great help. And remember, there's nothing wrong or unusual with you, even when it seems like you're constantly sailing against the wind.

Please let us know how it goes.

 

Dammit. Last week I wrote an e-mail to the psychologist, and she replied that the waiting-list is incredibly long, I would have to wait 6-8 months (I'm serious!). I guess there's a gigantic number of people with psychological problems.

On the upside, my depression is fading, I guess it was just a phase, but it's not completely gone, so I still have to work on it. Last weekend I had the opportunity to make an interview (homework for a course in journalism) with one of my friends about his life. I deliberately chose some questions that had a connection to my problems, and his answers clarified some things for me about his thinking and attitude.

He's the one of my two friends that I'd be more comfortable to come out to, and maybe I will sometime. I'm going to talk to him and meet him more, on one hand to make our friendship stronger, and on the other hand to find out more about his views on homosexuality and other things.

Right now I feel confident about it, and if it goes well, and I come out to him, that's a victory. If he reacts well, that's an even greater victory.
So root for me guys! :icon_bigg

 

I don't know what advice to give really, but you do seem to be thinking very clearly about things and I think that is a huge part of the solution, or at least a necessary early step. Also I hope you are able to give yourself a little credit. The stuff you have been through would break many people, and you have come through it in a way that shows a great amount of personal strength and courage.

Trying to feel things out more with this one friend sounds like a good idea to me, and I am definitely rooting for you!