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I'm in love with my gay best friend.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by 1ConfusedGuy, Oct 25, 2014.

  1. 1ConfusedGuy

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    So this is going to be a bit of a longer post, so bear that in mind. I feel that it really is important for the situation. I really didn’t want to post this, but I just needed to reach out for some unbiased opinions. I’m in love with my best (gay) friend. (Gosh, I bet this topic has NEVER come up before. :rolle:slight_smile:

    2 1/2 years ago, I met this guy on a dating site. We both love cars, we both love 80s music, and we just overall seemed to share some interests. I was really unsure about actually meeting with somebody off a dating site, but decided to do it anyway. We kinda did it as more of a casual meet-up rather than a “date”, and since we’re both very classy people, we met up at a local junkyard. Both of us being car enthusiasts, this was 100% normal for us. So I went. We hung out for maybe an hour at the junkyard and he got some stuff for his car. Afterwards we went to Subway and got lunch. It was overall an okay day. You know after you first meet somebody, you pretty much can instantly tell if it’s worth pursuing or not? Well, I know we didn’t do a whole lot, and barely knew each other, but I didn’t see it as being something for me. Why? No idea. Just had that feeling. I always go with my gut feeling, and thats what it was. It wasn’t an attraction thing, it was just not thinking it was right for me.

    Fast forward a few months later… my mom announced we were moving, and where we were moving to was too far from my job, and too far from school. I decided to move out. Well, I coincidently ended up moving in a couple blocks away from this guy. We had each other on Facebook and talked back and forth a bit. Well, when I decided it was time to change my oil on my car, I had nowhere to do it now with no garage. I asked him if he would mind if I did it over at his house, and he said that it would be fine with him. Over the course of the next 2 to 3 months, we hung out here and there, and ended up hanging out more and more. We ended up becoming pretty good friends! I saw other people as time went on, not thinking anything about it.

    Well, one day I got a friend request from a friend of his who I never met. I talked to her asking who she was, etc. Well, turned out she was trying to find out about how I felt about my friend. I said I wasn’t sure exactly. Well, she explained that he was wanting more, and didn’t know how I felt, or how to approach it. All I could say was I didn’t know. I was scared, because I valued our friendship so much, I didn’t want to mess it up. Well, I guess my friend was a little bummed that things were going better than I anticipated with some guy I went on some dates with. She said “He loves your personality. Thats the biggest thing. He's just genuinely attracted to you, he adores that his cat likes you, and his family loves you. The whole common interest is just a bonus.” He also has posted on this forum about it, asking what to do. Sure enough, everybody told him to ask me out.

    Well, soon after, he came by and asked to talk. I knew what it was about. To make a long substorm short, he said he liked me, and asked how I felt. I said I didn’t know yet. Never gave a firm yes or no. Well, after that it was a little rough. I felt so bad, I just didn’t know him well enough to say yes. Well, it got rocky for a week or so, but he eventually was okay, and we went back to friendship like we had before. I was relieved. Now at the time I didn’t know this, but she just told him to stick around and see what happens. Well, he did.

    Skipping forward the next year and a half, I sat down and thought for a good long while about my dating life. I had gone on all these dates and nobody has interested me. Nobody. I just got to thinking why can’t I find somebody who shares my interests? It literally hit me like a car hitting brick wall… all this time I have already had this perfect guy all this time. The time I needed to get to know him had already gone by, and I realized that we are perfect for each other. We do everything together, all of our friends think we’re dating already, and when I tell them we’re not, they tell me I need to fix that. All I ever thought about was how we aren’t dating, and how I turned him down, forgetting that I never said no. We have the perfect friendship. We’re mature, but we have our childish sides. We tease each other, but never mean to offend each other. If we ever argue, we’re over it within an hour or so. I see his family all of the time and I’ve been told they like me a lot, and I like them a lot too. I go to their birthday parties and love being a part of anything they do. I helped him come out to his mom and it went fantastically. We take road trips together and it’s a blast. It’s crazy that I forgot how happy I was with him. Well, it took me about a month of kicking myself in the butt before I finally decided to grow a pair and offically ask him out.

    Every Wednesday is “Guys Night” and a group of friends I went to HS with meet up. This was a usual thing, and Spencer always went. Well, on this particular night I told myself I would ask him out. On our way home, I was so nervous I could’t say anything until the last minute. I pulled into his driveway, and I told him I wanted to talk about something before he went. Long story short, I told him that I reconsidered and that I was having feelings for him. He lit up like I have never seen him light up. We went back and forth and he asked why I had these feelings now, and how long, etc. Well, we eventually got to the question. I told him how I felt, and asked what he felt. I asked if he wanted to call it a thing, and he said, and I’ll never forget his face when he told me, “Well, you have two options. The first option is ‘Yes'. The second option is….. ‘Yes’. So you have to pick.” So I said yes. Now where it got weird was that I hadn’t planned on getting that far. Not at all. I think we both understood it would be awkward, and nothing else happened that night. I didn’t kiss him, because I just wasn’t sure how to. I think we both understood how we felt and just needed to process it, you know? Looking back, I wish I did. :eusa_doh:

    The next 2 weeks, nothing changed. Nothing. We both didn’t know how to be a couple any more than we already were. I guess we were both afraid to make a move. I asked him to hang out more often, and I generally just wanted to be with him a little more than we used to so I could try and make something happen. Well, after about 2 weeks, after a particular day of asking if he wanted to come over and have dinner and relax, he said that he didn’t think this was going to work. I got a little upset (not mad) and went over to his house and asked him to come outside and talk to me about it. He essentially said that didn’t realize it but he isn’t ready for a relationship or the commitment, and that my no means is it anything about me. That hurt, a lot. Well, I told him that if thats what he was going to do, I would force myself to get over it, and I dont think we’d ever be able to do this again. (I damn well should have known I didn’t mean that.) He seemed to feel bad, but accepted that. I was devastated. I hadn’t gotten to even try anything with him. It was awkward at the thought of kissing my best friend, but I just needed some time to do it. Looking back I hat myself for not doing it sooner, whether it would have lasted or not.

    Well, we’re still best friends. Nothing is different. We still do it all together, like nothing happened, which is great. However, it left me hanging. I was starting to accept that he wasn’t looking for anything, but even months later, he still has his dating site account and his ******, all “looking primarily for a LTR”. My heart just doesn’t know what to think. Was it actually me? Did he make a mistake? What is it? Well, the thing that upset me most was my friend, who “isn’t into hookups” hooked up with this guy he knows and told me about it. I think he realized after the fact that it wasn’t the best idea to tell me, but he did. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and I started to get down because the guy I want isn’t interested in me like he used to be. Well, I had a mutual friend of mine talk to him. (Bad idea, I know. I just needed to know.) Well, he said he wonders if he made the right decision, but he doesn’t share the same feelings. Well, I asked if my friend could find out what that means. He told me the he said that he isn’t saying it’s not possible, but he just doesn’t think he's ready for a LTR or commitment right now. It’s just all so contradicting.

    I don’t know what to do at this point. I have been “waiting" since he broke it off when he wasn’t sure, and my other friend that talked to him said that he sounds like he would be interested, but just not right now. I know he’s worried about ruining our friendship, and I think a lot of what is holding him back is that fear, but obviously I’m not 100% certain. I really don’t know what to do. I love him with all of my heart, and he knows that. Everybody does. All of my friends joke and ask when we’re going to have our wedding. He means everything to me, and it’s not something that I can just shake off like that. I see people who say that you just need to break off a friendship like that, but that simply isn’t possible. I just need some guidance. We’ve been friends for nearly 3 years, and if we every worked out, I see myself with him for a long time. I just don’t know what to do.

    :help:
     
    #1 1ConfusedGuy, Oct 25, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 25, 2014
  2. PatrickUK

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    In all honesty I think you kept him in the friend zone for a bit too long and probably got too used to the status quo. When it actually came to taking things to the next level it felt awkward and neither one of you took the risk and made a move.

    I suspect he still wants the same as you really. He waited for you for a long time and his reaction when you finally asked him was as positive as it could get, but that two week period when nothing happened probably dented his confidence in the idea of a relationship. One of you should have made a move.. neither of you did.

    I certainly don't think this a friendship breaker. On every other level you clearly mean the world to each other, but you have both got yourselves stuck. He gave you time, maybe now you need to give him a bit of time. Neither of you are too old to wait for a while, but don't waste anymore chances with him. At the heart of every solid relationship is a great friendship (I consider my partner my best friend). If the moment arises, sieze it and don't look back.
     
  3. 1ConfusedGuy

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    I really want to. I know him well enough to know that given the opportunity, he would probably act on something. One of my issues which I can't decide what to do is to act on a whim or not. I like to think in my head that if I just out of the blue, at the right moment, kissed him or something, he would go with it. The other part of me says he would pull away and ask what the hell I'm doing. Why he would do that, I'm not sure, given the history we have, but it's always a possibility.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    I agree, your in a log jam. And I think you can do something about it. If I were in your shoes, I would do something completely and total unexpected and over the top. You really need to go all out and wow him. Might not need to be something as crazy as having a plane sky write "I love you", but something that would have the same effect. Buy a huge box of candy, get flowers, make reservations for a romantic dinner. Whatever it is, it should go against what you are both accustomed to. Get out of your skin a little bit. Take a risk. See what happens. And in all instances, give him a huge kiss!!!!!!
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    If the moment feels right, you should kiss him. If he asks "what the hell?" just say you regret not doing it before. I know it must feel like a risk, but sometimes we have to consider risk vs reward. In every relationship I've ever had there has been a small element of risk.

    I've read your comments and I've read his past comments on here and you both seem to have the same sort of anxieties (it's just that he had them first). You both think you are going to do something to harm your friendship, but it's stronger than that, surely?

    It seems obvious to everyone else that you are made for each other.
     
  6. 1ConfusedGuy

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    We do. We're generally pretty nervous people. One issue that we both have (that is great for us both in a way, too) is that we're both pretty introverted. We'd rather stay at home than go to a large party. Same thing goes for how we feel... I think we both would rather bottle it up and be in a safe state rather than take a risk.

    I know I'm young and have met a fraction of the people I'll meet in my life, but I feel really good about him. If I lived the rest of my life with him, I can't say I'd want anything more. (Okay, maybe a few more fast cars we could share, then I'll be all set. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) He's definitely my other half.
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    How about sending him a link to this thread?
     
  8. 1ConfusedGuy

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    I thought about that, but I really don't know if that's how I'd want to do it. It'd be much easier, but I think he already knows all this. I think like you said, something out of the blue might show him I mean business. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: I just couldn't bear to see him with somebody else because I didn't act on it.
     
  9. PatrickUK

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    I reckon I should hop on a flight to Michigan and do some match making :icon_bigg

    In all seriousness, you deserve each other. The nervousness is hard to overcome and it's probably easier for someone of my age to say 'sieze the moment', but when everyone else is saying pretty much the same to both of you, it's got to be the right thing to do.
     
  10. 1ConfusedGuy

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    I guess I'm just worried (no surprise) that even if I were to act on this, what if he tells me still isn't ready for it? I really don't know if he truly isn't ready, or if he's just saying that because he doesn't know what to do. I understand the fear of commitment, and how some people have the fear of "what if somebody better comes along" (Which I strongly disagree with. If you're happy with somebody, that should be all that matters.), but he complains everybody he has met is flakey and doesn't share the same interests.

    *giant flashing arrow points down at me*

    I know it's a good possibility to work out if I just act on it, but I'm not sure I'm prepared if he rejects the idea again.
     
  11. PatrickUK

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    It is a possibility, of course, but this is what I mean by risk versus reward. Let me turn the question around.. what if he reciprocates and shows you that he really is ready? When we ask what if too much or too often, we can almost paralyse ourselves with inaction and then live with regret for months and years later.

    I totally get that you are worried, but I so think it's worth the risk. If your friendship is strong it will not change that, but if anything demonstrates how you really feel about him, it's everything you have said on this thread.
     
  12. OnTheHighway

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    That's perfect! I will join you and we definitely will get them together!
     
  13. 1ConfusedGuy

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    What if he reciprocates? Well then I'd be damn near the happiest guy on Earth. Part of me wishes he'd just stumble upon this, but part of me is like "hell no don't find this".

    In fact, just another little story. Last Saturday, his project car broke down and I went and traded cars with my mom so we could rent a trailer and tow his car home. We spent the whole day together, which was so nice. Afterwards, we went out and grabbed some food. The busser came by and asked us what two guys like us are doing out, not being with our girlfriends on Sweetest day! (Sweetest day is a midwest thing. It's like a mini valentines day in October. It's weird.) We kinda chuckled, and he said something else about it. When he walked away, I jokingly said, "Aww, Happy Sweetest Day babe" or something along those lines, and we laughed.... but I wished I could have meant that.

    He's currently at Cedar Point, so there's not much I can do right now. My 21st is coming up on Wednesday, and he and my friends are taking me out for my first legal drinks. I hope I don't say something while I'm drunk. Part of me says, "yeah, do it when you're loosened up a bit", but I feel that's a bad way to do it.
     
  14. joshy the queen

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    DONT DO ANYTHING about this WHILE YOU ARE DRUNK you will regret it and he wouldn't take it seriously from his drunk guy i wouldnt
    first you just need to change how you act with him even how you greet him when you see each other for example why not from now whenever you see him give him a friendly hug or kiss him on the cheek in a friendly way the reason i'm saying friendly is because we don't want him to say DUDE WTF?? we just want it to seem normal right?? but the thing is as far as i know when i have a crush on someone or i'm in love even if he just touched my hand by accident i would like OMG !! so those friendly hugs and kisses are infact going to be romantic for him and would make him see another you
    second lets change how you two hang out take him for dinner in a romantic place somewhere
    a dance why not go to a club?
    or better yet you don't like clubs turn on the music and jokingly start slow dancing even straight guys do it but those stuff will probably make him see more than just a simple friend make him see the very nice you
    dont forget to flirt and tell him that he looks cool cute handsome whenever you see him
    one last thing whenever you hang out with him try to look unique and dress more like you are going to a date rather than a simple hang out with a friend
    i guess this would help ^__^
    if you are too shy to do any of this then.............idk>.>
     
  15. 1ConfusedGuy

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    No, I doubt I would do anything with alcohol involved.

    I talked to another friend of mine, the one that got a little out of him like I mentioned, and I thought about the possibility of inviting him over for dinner and watching a movie or TV or something, and subtly trying some things and seeing where it goes.
     
  16. OnTheHighway

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    Subtle? Forget subtle! You need to go direct and straight for it. Invite him over and just as he walks in, kiss him.
     
  17. 1ConfusedGuy

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    My mind always envisions this stuff being so easy. :icon_redf

    Well, the plan is to make spaghetti for dinner (he loves when I make that) and he's going to come over for that tomorrow evening. I plan to sit down and watch something on TV, and just see where it goes, assuming that I don't chicken out.

    I just hope I'm not wrong for thinking this is going to work, even though he already said he isn't looking for a LTR or commitment right now. I hope that it's just an excuse because he isn't sure. I'm willing to take this risk, and I just hope he is too. If he really does have any sort of mutual feelings, I don't see why he would try and stop me. We'll see.

    Part of me wants to somehow forewarn him before I do anything, because of my great deal of respect for him. Kinda like a "So I'm about to do something that I've waited to do for too long..." kind of thing. I just don't want to make him super uncomfortable if I'm way out of line for trying. I would think our 2 1/2 years of friendship would make this sort of thing okay.
     
  18. topher85

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    i would definetly try something. the least you could say if it doesnt work out is that you needed some love or something like that. we definetly want to hear an update. were rooting for you! hope it works out and you get your man.
     
  19. joshy the queen

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    Update please i would love to know what happened