I really hope I'm at a tipping point soon because I'm not sure how much longer I can take this... Basically every chance I get I'm reading about sexuality or spending my time flipping through the threads in this forum. I've been stuck like this for the past two days. But what made it worse is the fact that the past two days, I've had really vivid dreams about women and they are powerfully romantic and sexual. I kind of wake up in a frenzy because I don't even know how to process that. The first one I can't even make heads or tails of, but the second one was about a woman at work who has been the target of my recent downfall and my anxiety levels around her are seriously high. I don't typically get these kinds of dreams. God, they're so vivid and I've never dreamed about a guy like that before. Ever. It's screwing me up big time. There's absolutely no potential or want for relationship there, I don't even know her or talk to her unless it's work based. I had to sit next to her at a workbench and I felt nothing but paranoia and wanted to avoid all eye contact. I literally don't know how to handle these feelings. I really don't know if I can say I'm attracted to her. This doesn't feel right. If I have super internalized homophobia and/or I'm in deep denial, how do I get out of it? I need to stop living like this. Not only that, I went out with a guy last weekend but I just wasn't into him and he seemed excessively hurt. I told him I'm interested in someone else (which is true, but I don't even want to get into that because my self-doubt has turned that upside down) when I should have just said sorry, not interested. This isn't the first time this has happened. It really leads me to believe there is truth to these events that are happening to me. Also, is it possible to link an anxiety disorder with being gay? I might have done that... Sorry I bet I sound like a total mess. Well... I am. :icon_sad: I feel like this is the only place I can go.
First step: -> Relax. Second step: -> Drink something delicious. Third step: -> Answer my questions: Let's suppose you're gay, where is the problem? I mean, you seems that you are worried because you don't want to be gay, aren't you? If so, why? What do you think about gay people? Is your family homophobic?
Hey I promise you, everything will be OK Now then... You say you like this girl and it's confusing right? You've been brought up a certain way and you're developing feelings for her and you're just so confused that you don't know what to do, is there something there? Isn't there? What if? Etc, that sound about right? Well... why don't you try and get to know her a little better? Obviously your mind is telling you that it likes this girl, so it wouldn't hurt to try and become friends with her, see how she is, what she likes, what she doesn't and that kind of stuff before actually wanting to do anything with her And who knows? Maybe as you two become friends, you'll find out that it is the right thing to do, she might just have feelings for you too But you'll never know until you try and keep an open mind about everything We're all here for you <3 Please keep us updated and let us (including me XP) know if this info was helpful or not
Drinking something delicious would be beer in my book, and it's only 10:30 in the morning so I will abstain from that :lol: but I will answer your questions. If I'm gay, it makes me upset to think that all the guys I've dated and wanted to be with have been nothing but lies. Everything I've previously wanted has been smashed to pieces because I have been a lesbian all this time trying to avoid it. Yes, I would prefer not to be gay for those reasons. Also focusing on this makes me feel like a completely different person than I'm used to, even though I've been struggling with this for some time. I think gay people are normal and I have a lot of gay friends, men and women. They were the first clique I got into when I was in high school because we all loved to party. In short, there's nothing really different about them to me. My family is not homophobic. I know they'd love me no matter what.
To me it sounds like you're freaking out a little. Don't worry - it happens to us all at some point! First off, in my experience dreams are usually just dreams. As intense as they are, I wouldn't read too heavily into what they're trying to tell you. Sometimes they're not trying to tell you anything. Seeing this woman in your dream could just have been a coincidence! It's not a sure sign of an underlying attraction for her. Even automatically saying "I'm into someone else" instead of "Not interested" to your date, doesn't mean your subconscious is trying to tell you anything. Don't panic! Having said that, you've been researching sexuality for a reason. Can I ask what's made you want to spend the last few days in particular flipping through the forum? I don't think 'being gay' can be a symptom of an anxiety disorder, but understanding your sexuality can be a source of much anxiety - it seems to be in your case! If it helps though, there's no need to feel stressed about this. My advice is not be worried by subconscious "signs" which you can't really rely on. You are still in control, it sounds like you have some feelings you'd like to get to the bottom of but you can do this in your own time. There's no need to rush to any conclusions. Be patient and don't put pressure on yourself to understand it all straight away.
LOL it's 15:47 where I live :lol: And I adore beer as well Okay, so I think you have only the classic "fear of the new". And this makes you feel "different", "another person" from before. "Another person" as regards the one you have always knew. I assure you that being gay doesn't make you a different person. And it isn't your fault if only now you're realizing that (maybe) you're not straight, that you haven't realized your sexuality before. Society has the fault, because teaches us that we all are straight and cisgender since we were born. And sexuality and gender identity are hard subjects. So, there are people who don't understand their sexuality soon. Or their gender identity soon. And you're not a liar. Liars are that type of gays who marry straight people because they are afraid of living a gay life-style. And it is terrible. Both for the gays and for the people they have married.
Your response was so incredibly grounding. Thanks. You're right- I didn't intend for it to be worded in such a way that it reads "can anxiety make you gay". What I did mean is, can anxiety be attached to homosexual feelings and then those feelings consistently arise as anxiety? If I'm going to be honest I've been going through this since I was 15 or 16- I'm 21 now. My first "uh oh" moment if you will was when I was extremely stoned on the internet and I saw a picture of a naked women. I've seen plenty of pictures of naked women, but my reaction to this one bothered me and I've been stuck like this since. I don't remember the reaction quite well but it must have been sexual in nature. And then I started piecing things together in my life that could contribute to me not being straight, as I had identified and known myself as. And still do identify. It's just under question now. I've tried coming out as bi but it just feels weird and didn't really stick. I'm more concerned with the cycle of anxious, negative responses I'm having to something I would typically think is normal in someone else that is causing me to be weird around other women. This has led me to try and practice acceptance, which led me here. Therapy is probably the next step (should have been the first step...) I really feel stuck in an endless loop of confusion. I'll admit, I have serious paranoia problems and have fallen prey to illogical thinking concerning the subconscious. I don't understand dreams and have never understood my own dreams. They are extremely hectic, nonsensical, and usually a whirlwind of whatever is going through my head. I know I shouldn't use them as a reference because of that, but it's hard to let it go when it was so personal and vivid.
Lol! I did think that was a little odd. :icon_wink Come to think about it, that would mean a lot of people turn gay just before they go on roller coasters. The two feelings could go hand in hand, perhaps a therapist could get to the bottom of separating them. To my untrained ear, it does sound like your mind is skipping the "Am I attracted to this woman? How do I really feel about this?" and going straight to the "OH MY GOD!" part. It's easy for us to tell you to relax, and to work out these feelings without the panic reaction but I understand that it's horrible when you feel like that. The reason you probably feel so anxious and have lost confidence is because for so many years you've told yourself that you are a certain sexuality and you've formed an identity around it. You think if you're wrong about this - what else could you be wrong about? You might not know yourself anymore. In truth, sexuality is only one (in my opinion, quite small) part of what makes you, you. You are still the same person you always were, you haven't been living a lie all these years. You're still in control. Don't have a crisis of confidence. The very fact you're open minded about researching your feelings is a good thing. It's part of growing as a person and being comfortable in your own skin, whatever your sexuality. I obviously can't tell you if you're attracted to women on some level or not. All I can tell you is that the fact you might possibly have some attraction is nothing to be terrified of. You'll be okay. If it makes you feel any better, a lot of the things you've said don't particularly strike me as unusual for a 'straight' person to say. To have looked at a nude picture and thought "Hmm!" or to have had the occasional dream about being with someone of the same gender. I only like guys, but I've had dreams about women. I certainly don't want to sleep with a woman though. I've often discussed this with my friends and asked them why I'd dream about being with a woman. We all shrug. The mind is a funny thing! You're not the only person who feels like this, either! A friend of mine has dreams that leave her upset for days, and leave her with real emotions that linger a long time after her dream and they feel so real. She dreams about people she knows often, and she has to remind herself that they can't be judged on things they do in her dreams! I can understand how hard it is to let those powerful thoughts and images go. Sorry, sometimes I feel like I'm terrible at giving advice. I just hope it helps to know you're not alone - there are so many people who have been in your shoes (a lot of them on this forum!) and even though it's horrible to be confused, it doesn't matter what's going on with your sexuality - you will be okay. (*hug*)
Thanks for the responses everyone. Yesterday, I was able to approach the day with a significantly less anxious mind and I felt somewhat back to normal. It was nice for a change! I think I have some serious anxiety/depression issues to work on before I can figure this out. My judgement is seriously cloudy when I'm in the middle of a crisis mode, which I was when I made the original post. I immediately hit the "emotionally overreact NOW!" button in my brain. It's just not a good place to be all of the time. As for the core concept here, without all the fear I think I can make some progress in understanding what- if anything- is going on. You are correct I am not a different person and I shouldn't discredit all of my past relationships as lies. That's just untrue and I know that, otherwise I wouldn't have been in them. I need to work on being fair minded towards myself and not dipping too far into the negative zone. Well anyways thanks for all of the help.
Here's the thing, Your brain can't make up faces for people in dreams, so your brain has to use faces of people that you've seen. If you've spent a lot of time with a particular person at work or something, then it's very possible that your subconscious mind decided to use this girls face for a person in your dream. This is completely normal. Here's my theory of what happened. You saw her once in your dream, she might have been the only person in your dream and/or she might have been the focal point of your dream. The dream might have been really vivd too (indicative of good rem sleep). So the entire day after the dream you psych yourself out because you can't get this dream out of your head, causing you to have the same dream the next night. Rinse and repeat. If this is the case, just distance yourself from this person for a while and try to stop thinking about her. Your dream will go away and you'll be fine. However, if there is some kind of freudian subconscious desire thing going on, then just get to know her and find out what her orientation is. Who knows, maybe she's been leaving subtle subconscious clues that she likes you and your subconscious brain picked up while your conscious mind didn't.
Thanks for your response. The dream part makes sense. Nah, she's straight (As far as I have gathered from conversation, anyway). Her orientation wouldn't be important anyway because I really am not interested in her like that. This has happened to me before and it's always panic-fear driven behavior which makes it very hard to discern what I'm actually feeling. For example, it's hard to tell why exactly these situations arise. So I consider the idea that I'm not straight. Fine- but I can't accept it for some reason. This reason I do not know. It doesn't feel very good trying to accept it and it turns me into a depressed mess. I know it takes some people a very long time to come to terms with it and maybe I'm one of those people? There's just so much I don't understand that is happening. I also struggle with the fact that I've been single for a while and have trouble finding men I really click with. I've had my share of casual relationships, but I am always looking for something deeper and intimate. So at 21 it's not exactly what most guys are looking for (in my experience). Even if they say it is. lol
Speaking from experience here, some guys actually do want an intimate and emotional relationship, a companion they can "click" with, and someone they can look out for and care about. I hate to sound stereotypical here but I guess stereotypes are there for a reason, some girls have that type of guy right in front of them, but most of the time that guy is just a friend. He rarely can get out of the friend zone either because he's too afraid to make a move or because she's too comfortable with that type of relationship and she's afraid that she will change the way things are between her and that guy by taking the relationship to a romantic level (which is a silly notion really if you think about it). You need to find a guy who fills either of these 3 criteria: 1. He's either a best friend or a really good friend who's there for you. 2. He's someone who hasn't slept X (replace X with a number) number of women, because this indicates two things: Either he's been a lot of relationships that eventually failed. Or he's sleeps around a lot (obviously not a quality we are looking for here) 3. Find someone who hasn't been in a lot of relationships if any at all Usually this person will cherish you and the relationship more because of it's rarity (if that makes sense). *It's ideal if this person is generally open about his feelings too. I could be wrong, but my observations on human behavior usually tend to be right. Hope that helps though. And I hope you feel better soon. (*hug*)
No BaconMonster (great name by the way!), you are correct. I know there are plenty of guys out there that I have "friend zoned" for lack of a better word. I tend to go purely by mystical, "wow" kind of attraction instead of actually using any... logic :lol: Seriously though, what I am attracted to and what is best for me are most likely two different things. I'm aware of this (which probably makes it more my fault!). My past serious relationships, all of 2 of them, have been with guys I had been friends with for a long time. I know that's what I need. It just becomes lonely when good friends are far and few. Being the emotionally protective yet passionate person I am I find myself waiting and, well, longing for that next experience. Anyways you're correct in your assessment and I appreciate that you understand. This too will take time for me to get right I suppose. I have been doing much better recently after a weekend out with some good people.
