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15 y/o daughter can't accept partner

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by GummyJer, Oct 31, 2014.

  1. GummyJer

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    I have had a partner for the last 7 years. Long story short, we fell in love and the result was the break-up of both our straight marriages. My daughter has likely put this together. Since she lives in California and I live in Arizona, our relationship is a long distance one with seeing each other at most about three days a month.

    The latest situation is that one of her plays where she is the lead happens to fall on the days I have scheduled with my partner. I asked her if it would be alright if I brought her to the play. My daughter is not okay with this.

    The few times when my partner was present, my daughter hid herself in her room or went to her dads. She says she can accept other LGBTQ folks and indeed has many friends who are LGBTQ but has a hard time with her mom being gay. She says it would be much easier if her father was gay instead. In general she has a hard time accepting people into her life that she has not brought in herself....like her brother's girlfriends.

    All of this brings up issues with my partner, who feels rejected and hopeless about our future.

    I don't know what to do. I feel like I shouldn't force my daughter to have contact with my partner but I also want to honor my partner and not have her feel excluded. Her son who is a couple years younger fully accepts me, so often my partner doesn't understand and gets angry at me for taking a gentle approach with my daughter about this issue.

    Anyone been through this? Is it the acceptance of mom being gay? Is it the acceptance of a partner in general? Is it the break up with her father? Is this ever gonna work or is it hopeless because of the tie with the divorce from her father?
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hey GummyJer, welcome to EC!

    You are in an almost impossible quandary, pitting your love for your daughter against your love for your partner.

    The only "solution" that I can see is time, persistence, forgiveness, and patience. I can only say that giving in to despair is not the way to go.

    It's probably a mash-up of all of the above...I learned long ago that when you want to sell something, you have to cover all the bases, because you never know what will resonate with the "buyer". This is not that different and this is where persistence is important. There is nothing wrong in saying to your daughter that you are disappointed but that you understand. Leave it at that for the time being and if you do go, take the opportunity to talk to her, let her raise the issue, not you.

    The patience part of the equation will be for both you and your partner. If your partner sees that you are trying, I think she will appreciate that, and of course, remind her that she is very important to you and her feelings are respected.

    Your daughter may blame your partner for the divorce and this will probably take a long time for her to accept, which is why you need to remind her that you took this step because you needed to live with integrity and to be who you are. Forgiveness won't come easy, but she loves you and thus should want to see you happy.

    Your ex is the wild card in this...how is he behaving? Do you know what he is saying to her? As he moved on with his own life?
     
  3. jay777

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    Would it help if you would tell her that it is about love and that many say sexual preferences are not voluntary ?

    It is how it is, and you all could have a better time together if you would go along...
    maybe she could understand that, despite of hormones at that age... that you as persons might just give each other a chance... maybe she could try to accept your choice, and give a try to make the best of it...

    (*hug*)
     
  4. anonym

    anonym Guest

    It could be because you're her mum. I was recently asked by a psychologist assessing me about my gender how I feel about lesbian relationships. I suppose she was testing whether my gender issues stemmed from issues I had about my sexual orientation. I said I'm fine about it. Then she asked me how I would feel is my sister brought a girlfriend home. Again, I said that's fine. Then she asked me how I would feel if my mum brought a girlfriend home. Ah. That tripped me up because I wouldn't be fine with that, even though I'm fine with same sex relationships. I can't explain why other than say it's because it's my mum. I'm sorry, that sounds awful doesn't it? Maybe that could be what your daughter is struggling with...
     
  5. GummyJer

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    @Greatwhale thank you for your solid advice. My ex-husband is very supportive. @jay777, yes thanks and I hope she'll come around. @anonym, yes you are right, I think it is that I am her mother. I think there is something already unsettling to teens about thinking of sexuality and their parents. Perhaps when she comes to terms with her own sexual being, she'll be more ready to accept sexuality in general. It's about love, of course, but I don't think she quite knows how to deal with that aspect as well.