Want to tell my friends but can't

Don't be too hard on yourself Mel. All in good time.

 

Are the people you are out to now family members? Don't worry, the right time will happen when it happens and/or you're ready.

 

Many parents play the ostrich game. If they block it out it doesn't exist. I have seen my mother do it a number of times.

One time we were talking about apartments. She said "Why not ask your friend XXX to be a roommate?". When I replied "XXX is married to his partner YYY" a vacuum was created in the room because she changed topics so fast.

She knows I am gay, she just avoids it to cope.

Not my issue, hers.

 

we're standing by you, penpal. do you have any gay friends? I would start with them. and if you don't have any gay friends, can you get some?

 

well, I imagine that having gay friends already makes it easier in a couple ways. first, it should be easier to come out to them because they understand and will likely be very accepting. if you've already come out to them, I would love to know if that was easy, or just as hard. then, coming out to them also gives you some practice to coming out to your other friends. and finally, having that circle of gay friends means that if your straight friends react badly (probably not likely, but you would know, i guess), then you wouldn't be left alone in a moment of crisis. at the end of it, you will either feel much more comfortable with your friends, or glad you found out. but always take advice with a grain of salt. after all, this is coming from a guy cowering in the closet who is looking at you for an example of what works (or doesn't). thanks for being here, and for sharing

 

I can totally relate, Penpal. I'm so on the brink of telling my mom/family but it's just not happening. I know she'll be ok because she is completely fine with gay people and easily peppers conversation with comments but, of course, now that I want to say something, the topic never comes up.
I was hoping to have told her before this evening's Chinese takeout dinner with the family and that she would blurt it out to the others then. Haha. Chicken, much? Anyway, there are still 7 hours. Think I can do it? Probably not.

 

I don't know if it could help everyone but it's been helping me so far. What I do is some kind of a "meditation" when I just sit down and imagine my mum, or other person I wanna talk to, sitting in front of me. Then I tell them everything I want and would be afraid of telling them in real life. I know it's not real but it helps me to get it out; and I think it's important not to bottle it up. Besides I'm crazy enough :icon_wink to believe that the universe is gonna convey my message at a subconscious level or something.

 

me too. I really like that idea. I'm going to do that. when i first read your post, paris, i thought you meant write a letter and give it to them. but reading what penpal wrote, i realized that it could be therapeutic just to write it. if I decide to send it, fine. but the real point is just to do it. and if i'm not ready to send it, just keep doing it to make it moer a part of me. no matter where it leads, mailing it, not mailing it, saying it, not saying it, it will help me just taking pen to paper and writing. it will make me think a lot of things through. thank you.

 

Ha! Sure, let's out eachother.

And, I think with available mates making up only a slice of a percent of the population, unless you're an axe murderer with a third eye, you're a catch. You seem too nice to be an axe murderer.

(Hey! Are you near Hebden Bridge? Just read on twitter it's lesbian Mecca. Maybe a little sight-seeing is in order.)

 

Question for you Penpal, as I went through the same concern about being seen by parents of kids who know my kids. Do your kids know? I didn't want to be found out by other parents before I'd told my own kids. Once my own knew, I didn't really care who saw me with gay friends (or lovers).

I also didn't (still don't) feel much the need to make a grand pronouncement for the sake of everyone that knows me. If it fits naturally into a conversation, I let it. Apart from that, they'll all find out eventually, one way or another. And if they don't then it's not likely to truly be of any consequence to them, is it?

 

Penpal, I think you are doing great and you can see the progress you've made so far. I know it may feel frustrating at times, and I feel that too because I'd like to be out and proud right away but things don't work this way. What matters though is we caught the wave and are riding it. I still have that holy shit feeling from time to time and get somewhat scared that people will know, on the other hand I just don't want to and can't hide it anymore.
Moreover I noticed it's naturally finding its way out. The other day I was at a party with my classmates and out of nowhere (and after two beers :icon_wink) I outed myself to two of them. I was seriously more surprised than they were.
So, don't worry too much, when the time is right for you you'll tell your friends, your kids, your dad and the entire universe. (*hug*)

 

I beat myself up for the longest time because I felt I should be telling more people or coming out faster than I was. Trust me, it's not worth the worrying and banging your head against the wall. Coming out to people can be very hard, but once you're more out, you may discover (as I did) that although it feels good knowing people are aware, it didn't make as much of a difference as I expected.

Don't get me wrong. I'm at the point now where I've told most of the people who are part of my daily life, and am well beyond caring who finds out, so I guess I'm just about as out as I'm going to be in the near future. And I'm very happy and at ease with it. But honestly, it hasn't changed much about my everyday life, outside of being able to speak a little more openly about my boyfriend now and then, or how exceptionally cute I find some guy or other. Being in the closet gives us a little too much time inside of ourselves and we lose a certain amount of perspective on what really matters to people, because we ourselves are so focused on it. Once you stop thinking and worrying about being gay or bi or whatever, and just start living your life, it becomes a much more comfortable part of you and so much less of a worry or obsession. It's just a normal thing.

You have no obligation to tell anyone in any specific timeframe. Some people choose to make coming out a very big and flashy thing, and if that works for them, then that's how they should do it. But for some of us, it's a more gradual, developmental thing as we become more and more comfortable with who we are and who we choose to share that with. Try not to pressure yourself too much. And also try not to think of it as revealing a deep, dark secret or something like that. When you tell people, you're sharing a new understanding of yourself, something that you are accepting and coming to terms with, and would like them to accept as well. All in good time. You have no obligation to tell everyone in a specific amount of time--or tell anyone at all, for that matter.

 

but once I'm out, what would I do with all that time and energy that I've been spending worrying about this? :lol: (being able to laugh at myself about this is a HUGE step forward)