Sad state of affairs

Hey Genesman71, welcome to EC!

Can you tell me what "scene" you were trying to fit into? Only if you want, perhaps you can tell us if you are in a large city and what LGBT resources you may have access to. I'm glad to hear you have friends.

I also presume you are no longer married?

Ok, you are seeing and paying for an escort. From what you wrote, you are feeling considerable shame about this. You are lonely, it is understandable...but resorting to an escort sort of presupposes that you feel as if this were your only option, correct?

Perhaps you can share with us what didn't work when you tried to join the scene. What made you give up? How do you see your new life unfolding in the next few months and years?

 

I understand.

Do you sometimes think or imagine that you can rescue him from this situation? Or are you simply taking it as it goes without too much thought about the future?

I joined the "scene" here in Montréal a little less than 2 years ago by getting involved in community work, I'm actually stationed at the gay hotline right now...Do you think it would be worth trying again?

 

All I could tell you, and you probably know this already, is that being with him will be risky; not only from a health standpoint but from the standpoint of your own emotional well-being.

You called this a sad state of affairs, it needn't be that way, if you are willing to decide that it won't be that way. I sense there's a lot of shame to work through, with shame defined as seeing oneself as not good enough (to join the scene or to get into a healthier relationship).

Maybe by posting here, you will eventually see how many of us later-in-lifers have been through and how much we have already sacrificed for a better future. Can you see that for yourself? Perhaps not now, but I'll bet you will...

 

If there is one word I would banish from the English language, it is "loser". I hope you know that this applies to absolutely no one.

You may or may not find someone, but perhaps you are being given an opportunity, right here, right now, on this very night...could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship...with yourself!

 

Hi,

It is ok... i plan on eating in, alone in thanksgiving. I won't die.

Welcone to EC

Tom

 

Hi,

I was a stay at home dad 14 years doing it all, including food storage for the winter. Now I don't even have a kitchen. I do have freedom to be me.

Note to self: employers have no respect for parenting on resume. LOL

Yes, loneliness is a frustration. It wears on me at times. If you mention the lack of people in "meeting" venues you are told keep looking or change the venues. So far continual expansion of venues has not worked. It is tough out there over age 50 (to pick a number).

I had an aunt, lived to age 99, sweetest woman on planet, dynamic, and she never found a love. It is a numbers game.

I understand your frustration. I have met quality guys but all partnered or partnered/married.

I have avoided the casual sex pool of guys but have decided to expand into that venue. Very odd this journey.

Tom

 

I am just starting to come out as gay, and have had a lot of success with online dating sites. It seems that while 80% of the guys there are well-established, casual sex folks, there are 1 or 2 that will really surprise you. I have been chatting with a couple guys, and one in particular is in my almost exact situation. It has opened my mind and heart to imagine meeting someone I can either be "gay friends" with, or maybe more. Friendship first, sex second is my motto on this journey.

 

I also wanted to point out that I'm pretty sure that straight guys go through the same thing. Lust and love is something that we as humans have to deal with and balance. Just something to keep in mind that there are actually two separate battles going on for us.

 

I'm sorry that you are having a rough time at the moment--the holidays can be particularly rough if things are rough in general. I guess all I can say is do what you've gotta do and don't beat yourself up about it. OK, the escort thing didn't work out to be what you thought it was--that sucks. But it doesn't really change the fact that it sounds like you enjoyed it while it lasted, like maybe it got you comfortable with giving and receiving some degree of affection and physical intimacy with another man and, frankly, taught you a lesson about other people's motives. I'm assuming you played safe and experienced--even if just for a while--some of the intimacy you craved. Good for you--don't feel bad about it and move on to finding something a little more real next time.

So we just have to get you out there and meeting real people. I know it sounds easier said than done but there really are a variety of avenues. Now, I'm somewhat fortunate to live in a large city where just about anything you can do in a group you can do in a gay group--I led a gay book group for years, volunteered with gay charities, did gay political work, accompanied friends to watch them in their all gay sports leagues, went to watch gay choirs, went to the opera and the ballet (OK, they're not officially gay, but wander around at intermission and, well, let's just say they make the list), been to gay croquet matches in the park, gay beaches, gay, well, just about gay everything. My partner belonged to a gay bowling league and a gay choir and did gay volunteer work. My guess is you have some of those things in Toledo. Check them out. The other thing I will say is that if you don't have enough of those things--well, people move. They move for all sorts of reasons--they move for new jobs, the move to go to new schools, they move to just experience new things. Moving in order to finally have a satisfying social life doesn't seem desperate or romantic (in the bad sense) to me--it seems reasonable and proactive.

Setting all that aside, as the board's unofficial apologist for the "scene", let me address your rejection of the scene. I, frankly, think you should give it another try--but only after taking a really serious look at how you are participating and what you are looking for. I will say that I spent a lot of time "on the scene" in my younger days, still do to a lesser degree. I had (and still have) an amazing time of it and have met hundreds of wonderful guys, twenty or thirty of which have stood the test of time and are still good friends twenty-some-odd years later. I branched out into all those other activities mainly at the encouragement of my bar friends. The first time I walked into a gay bar--it was after my first Pride Parade--was the first time I really knew in my heart that it was possible that this gay thing would all work out all right. I literally walked up to a couple guys who seemed like they were in groups and said something along the lines of "that was my first parade, I don't think they have things like that in Utah" and people kind of took me in and introduced me around, we sang showtunes and had a grand old time.

The thing is I think you have to make sure that you are out there to start with looking for friends not boyfriends. If you are looking for boyfriends you are going to encounter the pickup culture--that can be fun too, but it sounds like it's not what you are looking for. If you are looking for friends, really looking for friends and not just auditioning boyfriends, the standards are looser--they have to be. The fact of the matter is that you may not want a drinker or one of the "casual sex people" as your partner--that's understandable and quite reasonable. But seeing anyone drinking or willing to sleep around a bit and deciding that they wouldn't be worth being friends with is not in my opinion reasonable. Don't reduce people to one quality and dismiss them as friendship material--how fair would it be if someone decided that you were just "that guy who hires hookers." There's a lot more to you than that and the same goes for everyone you encounter out there. I have plenty of friends who sleep around that I have never had sex with--it's not an issue because they aren't just people who sleep around a bit they're people who do all sorts of other things too.

Also as far as the drinking I would encourage you to look at the standard you are applying. I grew up Mormon--had my first alcoholic beverage after college, drank Coke my first time in a gay bar--and the drinking initially sort of bothered me. It quickly stopped bothering me. I realized that a lot of people who grew up drinking need it to loosen up a bit and the fact of the matter is that while I have encountered a fair amount of public drunkenness in straight bars I've spent exponentially more time in gay bars and encountered almost no obnoxious public drunkenness. There are people who drink too much and get quiet, but in my experience that's about it. You don't have to participate in that aspect of the bar culture if you don't want to--the bar will charge you $3 for a Coke and be ecstatic you're there. I can nurse a gin and tonic for three hours, it's never been a problem.

So I guess the nub of my very long-winded advice is get out there and meet some actual people--some gay people if you can swing it. Go where they are, be open, honest and genuine about who you are and what you are up to. Try not to judge who they are and what they are up to and try to just have fun and meet people. In my experience, which I think is significantly more than that of most of the people on here who bemoan the club and bar scene, the "scene" is full of normal guys who just want to go out and have a nice evening in an environment where they can be themselves with people who are like them and might understand them. I was a bar fly--I was out and about five, six nights a week in my twenties. I don't drink much, I've never done any sort of recreational drug (never even smoke regular cigarettes let alone marijuana), I slept around a bit back in the day but when the time came I had no problem committing (my partner who, incidentally, I met in a gay bar, and I have been together for 17 years and couldn't be happier), I've got advanced degrees and a good job. I say that just because to listen to people on this forum any one of those things should make it impossible that you would find me in a gay bar, but I was there all the time, still am with some frequency. So are my very similarly inclined friends. Get out there and meet them.

I will throw out there as a side note that traditionally Thansgving, Christmas Eve and Christmas are very busy nights in gay bars--lot of people who don't have family (or don't have good family relationships), lots of people who need to decompress after spending the day with their family and lots of people who have found their new families (the families that really matter to them) out on the "scene."

Anyway, I didn't mean to be so long winded. Take care of yourself. Get out there and find some way to enjoy this season of love and joy. Who knows, maybe next year you'll have 18-20 people you don't even know yet to cook Thanksgiving for--some of the best Thanksgivings I've been to have been adopted family.

 

I guess that is one of my fears. It is hard enough to come out, but then to be isolated at a time when I am most in need of support... I know that if they abandon me they never really were friends to begin with, but those false friends are what I've filled my wife with for 58 years. and yeah, I know that some people will surprise me. but it really is starting out a new life from scratch. i hope to develop at least some support network before coming out on a larger scale. oh, my, it just can feel so overwhelming at times. but the only thing that i'm certain of is that i'm gay