1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by puppiesarecute, Nov 27, 2014.

  1. puppiesarecute

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2014
    Messages:
    104
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    Gender:
    Female
    There's a female human I really like, and we are friends but I don't know what her sexual orientation is or if I have like any chance. I feel like I only talk bout sexuality and stuff with my best friend and even then I lie and say I don't identify as anything, and I don't want to make her uncomfortable??? can you like use some secret mind reading device??:dry:
     
  2. mobrien1993

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2014
    Messages:
    1,122
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Missouri
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    You could possibly try bringing up something about relationships and see how she reacts or if she's interested in anyone.

    I know one way of getting to know if people are gay is by wearing a shirt or something with rainbow or lgbt friendly writing on it. My friend and I went to the zoo and she had a shirt that said some chicks marry chicks get over it and you wouldn't believe how many people came up and started a conversation just because of her shirt and knowing she was gay
     
  3. Opheliac

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    898
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    The Eastern Ind.
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    Someone had asked something like this once before, and someone in that thread had said you can bring up a famously LGBT celebrity or someone, just as a topic of discussion, and see where it goes. The shirt thing is a good idea too.
     
  4. Mickz

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2014
    Messages:
    131
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Somewhere in Southern Africa
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    Oh yes please answer this, I'm in the same boat with a female friend of mind that I suspect is gay :confused:
     
  5. CyanChachki

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2014
    Messages:
    1,397
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    British Columbia
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    I usually just ask "What do you think about the LGBTQ+ community?" If their answer is negative, I discontinue the friendship. If it's positive, I'll continue on with the conversation in any way I can without going overboard with the subject.
     
  6. puppiesarecute

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2014
    Messages:
    104
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    This seems really good for me because I'm not out yet...

    ---------- Post added 28th Nov 2014 at 09:35 AM ----------

    I like this one lol. I'll use it when I come out.
     
  7. DrinkBudweiser

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2014
    Messages:
    138
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Indiana
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    i don't care if i out myself because it's probably already obvious but my best method to figure out sexual orientations is to start a conversation about relationships. then whenever it's my turn to speak, i'll reference her ex as "he" and see if she corrects me.
     
  8. puppiesarecute

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2014
    Messages:
    104
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    That's a good idea. I've talked about relationships before and she kinda avoids the subject and uses gender neutral pronouns, but I do that too so she might just think that since I'm doing it…? idk
     
  9. DrinkBudweiser

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2014
    Messages:
    138
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Indiana
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    just try it out, what do you have to lose? or maybe you should just out yourself. i mean really, what can go wrong? if they dig you, you just opened the golden doors for flirtation. and if they're repulsed by it - you're getting someone out of your life that doesn't belong there in the first place.
     
  10. puppiesarecute

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2014
    Messages:
    104
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    Eh maybe. I started telling people that I don't identify as a label yet. So maybe i'll just do that. Part of the reason I really like my closet is that no one knows what pansexual is and I don't want to deal with explaining it every time I meet someone.
     
  11. Kaiser

    Kaiser Guest

    Joined:
    May 10, 2014
    Messages:
    2,867
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    кєηтυ¢ку
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    That is pretty slick.


    As for the OP:

    Depending on how long you have known this friend, and how well you know them, is obviously going to influence the appropriate approach

    One little trick I've learned over the years, to getting to know somebody's sexuality, is to, as others have suggested, bring up the LGBT topics. See how they react.

    If they respond positively, just discuss the topic, and look for any 'opening up', that they might do. See how involved they are; and the more support and interest you show, the more likely something will slip or come out. If not, you'll have established a strong connection, about this. Hopefully, they'll feel they can trust you, if they are indeed non-heterosexual, and talk to you.

    If they respond negatively, well, you can continue trying to be friends, but you might not enjoy it very much. But at least you'll know, not to waste too much time with this. Of course, they may just say no, and could be closeted, but that's getting into wishful thinking territory. Take their word for it, and go about your life.

    If you really want to get an inkling for their sexuality, there is a slightly underhanded tactic you could do, but it requires a little bit of confidence:

    Wear a nice outfit, and talk to them about it. Get their opinion, and ask certain questions, like, "Do you think this jacket hides my features?" or "Does this outfit make me look good enough, to turn even the girls' heads?". If you need to, laugh it off, but you should, have some idea, of where she lies on the sexuality spectrum, by how she looks at and speaks to you. Of course, to be sure, you'll have to go for the kill, with something like:

    "If you were a guy, would you think I'm attractive?"

    But you might just get a friendly reassurance, so, you may have to go with:

    "I need an honest opinion. What is attractive about me?"

    That question, should tell you enough, to have a better idea, of where they stand. Not many people can bullshit that answer, without sounding like an obvious bullshitter or a little invested.
     
  12. puppiesarecute

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2014
    Messages:
    104
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    I might try that. She's really shy though. Like tara from buffy before she met willow shy so...
     
  13. Kaiser

    Kaiser Guest

    Joined:
    May 10, 2014
    Messages:
    2,867
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    кєηтυ¢ку
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    Most shy people only remain shy, until they have a reason not to be. If you make her feel comfortable, and she believes she can trust you, she will begin to open up. Just be good company, and time will handle the rest.

    Besides, allowing her to provide input, makes her feel important. Which she should be, if you intend on being friends. Most folks like to believe, that their opinion matters, even if they are a timid soul.
     
  14. puppiesarecute

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2014
    Messages:
    104
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    Thank you I do try to do that and will continue :slight_smile:
     
  15. DrinkBudweiser

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2014
    Messages:
    138
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Indiana
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    you know how to handle shy people? you pack them a bowl, light it and watch their personality come out. or crack a few brewski's.

    on a serious note, like kaiser said, make their input feel important. like you genuinely care about what's coming out of their mouth. find out what she likes to do and proceed to do that activity. if people are in a comfortable atmosphere that they enjoy, they'll break out of their shell.
     
  16. puppiesarecute

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2014
    Messages:
    104
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: How to ask about someone's sexuality without being really awkward/outing yourself

    So far that seems really accurate. Since someone (me) actually pays attention to her her voice seems to be getting a little louder. It's great to see. It's also had a negative affect though. Now that people are actually noticing her they start to bully her. But not that much and she's dealing with it incredibly