Confused about my gender identity

I'm sorry if this ends up really long. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now and it's hard to condense it all down.

I only really started to think about my gender identity in the past few months. I began to see posts/comments online about gender identities other than those that I was already aware of ('cis' and 'trans'). Although I hadn't thought of myself as trans I had felt uncomfortable with the idea of 'cis' label and never identified myself with it. Sexuality and gender is something that really interests me, so when hearing about other non-binary genders I wanted to find out more about them. As I researched and read about these, I began to think about my own gender identity, which wasn't something I had given a lot of consideration to before.

I was born female. Growing up I never felt aware of any conflict with my gender. I wasn't a big fan of dresses and skirts (with the exception of fancy dress) but wasn't really too bothered about wearing them. I never considered myself to be a tomboy or a girly girl and would describe myself as being somewhere in the middle between the two. I did however have a troubled childhood in other aspects, losing my mother when I was still a baby, growing up living with my grandparents, as well as being bullied at school through the majority of my childhood.

When I was in my early to mid teens, I started to try and be more girly. Trying out different styles, wearing pretty/attractive clothes and make up, as I wanted to fit in and be popular like the other girls. But it seemed no matter what I did I always felt awkward and out of place somehow. Eventually as a moved into my later teens, I accepted that clothes and make up just weren't my thing and I'd much rather spend my money on things that actually interested me, like video games. (It was also around this time that I began to question my sexuality.)

From then on I gradually felt an increasing desire to be more masculine and at the same time felt increasingly uncomfortable with being feminine. Despite these feelings though, it wasn't until this past year that I actually began to really question my gender.

I tend to wear fairly androgynous clothing now; jeans, loose t-shirts and dr martens. Not that long ago I also started to feel fed up of women's underwear and decided to try wearing men's underwear. I bought some cheap pants (hipster style without a front opening) and since then I haven't worn knickers at all, since I feel so much more comfortable in men's.

I also recently bought a binder. I'm on an acting course and in our current project I was cast in a male part (there are more girls than boys on the course so there are often girls playing male parts). Since I was already curious about binders and what I would look like in one, I decided it would be a good enough excuse to buy one. It arrived a couple of days ago and honestly I wasn't expecting to like it so much. I prefer how I look with it on, although I feel like my chest could still be a bit flatter.

I'm still trying to figure out how to define my gender. I don't think I feel wholly male or female, although I think I tend more toward masculinity and I do often feel uncomfortable knowing that people will look at me and see me as female (even putting the binder on, the rest of my body is still very feminine, e.g. wide hips). I'm just not really sure what I am and how I feel and I'm hoping it might help to discuss it with others. So far I haven't told anyone at all about how I'm feeling (although I am out as asexual to the people on my college course) and I just haven't really been sure who I could talk to about this.

 

Thank you for responding I had little read through your blogs and it does seem to me that our stories are very similar. I especially found the gender expression one interesting. In terms of gender expression I would definitely say that I fall somewhere in the neutral to masculine side of the scale, but when it comes to gender identity, although I'm sure my identity falls somewhere within non-binary, I'm finding it difficult to pinpoint where exactly. It 's really encouraging and a relief to know that I'm not alone though, and that there are others with similar experiences. Even just feeling less alone in this really helps

Regarding binders this is the one I got. It's from lesloveboat and what I really liked about that website is that they seem to have a very wide range of binders and that they're sorted by function and type in a way that makes it easier to find what your looking for. Plus they have a comparison chart of all the different binders which I felt was very useful. The binder that I got doesn't flatten quite as much as I hoped, although under a loose t-shirt it looks fine. However it is very comfortable, far more comfortable than I expected and in fact I would say it actually feels more comfortable than any bra I've ever worn, including my sports bra. When I bought it it was more out of curiosity than anything, as I didn't really think I was particularly bothered by my breasts, other than hating bras, but after wearing it a couple of days, I really love it and want to wear it all the time.

 

Well I looked through a variety of resources to begin with and checked out a few of the different recommended sites. The opinions of loveboat seemed to be pretty high and I especially liked their ratings system (all the binders are rated out of five for flatness, comfort, durability and ventilation) which made it easy to compare and choose between them.

I think one of the main things I hate about having breasts is wearing bras. I've always found them uncomfortable and gradually got out of the habit of wearing them at all, except for college, because it involves quite a bit of physical activity. I did buy a sports bra a few months back and it was definitely a lot more comfortable than other bras I've had. The binder I got is very comfortable though, certainly no less comfortable than the sports bra.

I'm really enjoying feeling more flat-chested and I already wouldn't want to go to college without it. But something I've started to notice is that it's made me more concious of my wide hips/round bum. I wasn't fond of them before and was hoping to loose a little weight, but now I can't stand them.

Not really. I haven't had any issues with it rolling up although after wearing it a while I have sometimes noticed that it's begun to ride up a little bit. It's not really a big issue though, just have to occasionally pull the bottom of it down a bit.

I would say it fares very well. I mentioned studying acting; naturally our lessons can involve quite a bit of physical activity, so having something that would be breathable was important to me, which is why I went for one that was marked for high ventilation. The one I chose is definitely good for that. I expect it's not as flattening as some other styles, but from looking at the comparison chart on the website it seems if your priority is comfort/ventilation you just have to compromise a bit when it comes to flatness.

 

I don't think I was ever particularly girly, but I wasn't really a 'tomboy' either. I have had some awareness of feeling uncomfortable with very feminine clothing, like skirts and dresses and I remember being very adamant as a teenager that I didn't like things with 'frills or poofy sleeves.' I still have long hair, but I've thought about having it short a lot, even before I began exploring my gender. I think mostly because I feel it would be more practical (easier/quicker to wash, brush etc.), but I was always worried it would look weird and not suit me or something. My aunt had long hair up until her twenties though and then had it cut short, so I might see if I can bring up the topic with her sometime and see what she thinks.

I know I feel weird being over 20 and only just beginning to really explore my gender. But having looked through various sites and whatnot, it seems like it's not uncommon.

I've only just started experimenting with the one binder, so if you have any advice it would be really useful.

It is extremely confusing, but at least we're not alone.

 

I always go for comfort and practicality in clothing over looks, so yeah extra frills and frou-frou-y bits annoy me since they generally aren't particularly comfortable or practical, especially when it comes to underwear.

I haven't been swimming in ages and I'd really like to, because I used to love it, but I have nothing to wear. I used to find it difficult to find swimsuits that actually fit me properly and a few years ago I did end up getting a bikini that fitted (it wasn't cheap either) but it's never even been worn, since I just never really ended up going on any swimming trips and now looking at it I really wouldn't feel comfortable wearing it, I'd be extremely self concious (plus it doesn't fit any more anyway, which I felt rather relieved about). I'm not sure about the swimsuit binders though, since I'm not sure how I'd explain my choice of wearing it to family members, without getting into things that I'm not ready to talk to them about yet.

Also we should definitely have a club, haha.

I can definitely agree about the lace actually and feeling frustrated trying to emulate other peoples style. There's a lot of clothing styles that I love the look of and I think they're beautiful, but if I try putting them on I just feel like I'm wearing fancy dress or something, even if I can see in the mirror that it does look good, it doesn't seem to matter. I'll enjoy looking at other people wearing certain things, but if I try wearing them myself it doesn't feel right and I just feel really self concious, which used to really frustrate me because I would see pictures of certain styles and I would think how beautiful and stunning they were to look at, but when I tried emulating those styles, I would just never feel comfortable in them. Nowadays I try and think more about what I actually feel comfortable wearing, rather than trying to force myself into things that, to be honest, I really only enjoy looking at.

Earlier today I was chatting with some people on my course, one of the girls mentioned wanting to have her hair short again (used to have it short but grew it out) and so I said I was thinking about having short hair and she said she though it would suit me. You're right about the hair. I mean plenty of women have their hair in various short styles so it's unlikely it would draw people's attention too much.

I actually have the same bra size I think. I'd definitely agree about the one I got from lesloveboat. It is very comfortable and breathable and overall they seem like a great store, but I do think it would probably be more effective for someone with a flatter chest than me. It does flatten my chest down a lot, but it still seems like there's a noticeable bump; although it's all-right under loose clothes. The GC2B ones sound really good from looking at all the reviews people have given. Do you think their short binder would be comfortable to wear during light exercise?

I think you're definitely right, I don't want to try too hard to put any label on myself yet until I feel I've had enough time to really understand all this.