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I'm thinking about committing myself.

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by AAASAS, Jan 31, 2015.

  1. AAASAS

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    Hey Everyone I'll try to bullet point everything so I'm not rambling. I've been dealing with a bunch of shit for years, and it's getting to the point where I almost give up. I honestly don't see a positive future for myself, and am just feeling really down about everything. I've had a shitty feeling in the pit of my stomach that I used to have for years for the past week, and it's starting to become unbearable.

    Here are the problems

    - I'm pretty sure I suffer from depression, and that alone is enough to get me down, I feel like it makes me ostracized from everyone else, and it really isolates me, I feel incredibly alone
    - Parents are both sick with pretty serious illness that could kill them both, I've been dealing with this since I was a pre-teen, my Dad has leukemia and became non-involved in my life I didn't really see how much this bothered me till now, he has apologized though so I'm not mad at him, my mom is a smoker and has been on and off with having blood clots so she could basically die at any moment
    - My sister is dating a 52 year old shes 28, she has a kid already, and is about to have another one WITH THE 52 year old, our family basically won't talk to him because everyone doesn't agree with it
    - Im 24 and haven't gone to post-secondary yet, I feel like everyone is just going to think I'm a loser because of this, and I feel it's going to be years before I can find anyone because I'm so far behind in everything and I really don't know if I can stick it through those years bymself because I've already been by myself for my entire life
    - I work in an homophobic environment and it's hard to deal with. I hate going to work, absolutely hate it, and I have to muster the energy to force myself to go everyday
    - For about 4 years I was determined if my life didn't get better by 25 I would kill myself, I'm 24 now, and my birthday is coming up, and to be honest suicide has crossed my mind several time, and I'm really worried about that

    I know it's just another I'm depressed thread but I'm just really worried about everything, I see no positive future for me, I'm so incredibly depressed right now, and the feeling is starting to get overwhelming.

    I'm seriously considering committing myself to a hospital just so I can see a psychiatrist right away because I'm seriously unhappy right now and I just want this feeling to go away, I really can't handle another minute of it.

    Is anyone else afraid of being alone? I think I'm gonna be alone my whole life and I don't think it's worth living if that's true.

    THere just so much more, but basically I am just a shitty person, I have anger issues, I flip out on people because I'm unhappy with myself, I can barely ever fully be in the moment ever because my mind is elsewhere.

    It's just not worth it, has anyone else committed themselves to a hospital?

    My suicidal thoughts are pretty real right now, and I am actually kind of excited to do it so I know thats a problem. I just want relief and want to stop feeling pain every waking moment.
     
  2. Gen

    Gen
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    I am very sorry that you are going through such a rough period in life.

    Medication is meant to be used for patients who are suffering internally for biological or irrational reasons. The emotions that you are struggling with are very much rational and understandable. You have been feeling isolated because you are in a very isolated position. Your family is beginning to break apart. You don't have a social circle from gone to a post-secondary institution. You are currently working in an environment that doesn't accept your identity. You don't have a partner to work through all of this with. My intention is not to point out all of the things that is bring you pain, but I want you to acknowledge all of the things that are influencing your life right now. There is not a single person who wouldn't struggle carrying this weight. You are not disturbed, nor broken. You are merely human.

    You don't need medication. You need help and support. Partially in the form of therapy with a quality therapist or psychologist. Partially in the form of a social circle of people who care. You might have claimed that you would end it at a certain point, but you didn't just start approaching twenty-five. You've been approaching twenty-five for the last twenty-four years. Twenty-four years that you were strong enough to get out of bed each more and face whatever it was that life had to throw at you. The degree that you are displeased with your life does not ignore the fact that making it to twenty-five, making it through a quarter of a century of life, is significant. It is an achievement that you have made against all odds. It might not be such a great accomplishment for many on this planet, but many have not lived the life you have.

    The idea that life is short is extremely misguided. Life is actually extremely long. Maybe your life isn't where you wish it to be right now; it most likely isn't where you imagined it would be; but there are so many years that you haven't lived. Experiences that you haven't had. Finding a lover. Feeling accomplished and successful in your career. There is nothing about you, inside or out, that someone isn't completely capable of loving. Of course, you have flaws and scars because you wouldn't be human without them. The soldier who walks out of the battle with the most wounds is not the weakest fighter. If that were so, they wouldn't have made it out at all. They are simply the ones who had to fight the hardest and prevailed.

    You cannot change things that are occurring around you. You can't change the health of your parents or the decisions of your siblings. You can, however, change what is happening inside of you. What direction you are heading down in life. You might feel alone at the moment, but we are capable of more on our owns than we often imagine. Start by seeking out a therapist. Start by seriously researching what it would take for you to work towards that education that you want. Just don't stop because there is so much within you that is worth fighting for.
     
  3. bingostring

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    Hi.. I was in a similar position when I was 24.

    It sucked (understatement).
    Both parents with terminal illnesses. Depressed etc. But you do get through it to a better place. It just seems to take forever sometimes.

    What you could do (like yesterday) is take a few burdens off your shoulders - immediately:

    (1) An artificial deadline of "must do this before I am 25" .. self imposed - for why?? It means nothing. So "it" (whatever it is) happens when you are 26, 29.. Just recognise you need to make some big changes and start to plan for them.

    (2) Your sister's problems. Drop them. She is old enough to be her own person and accept responsibility for her own life and actions. OK she has an older partner - hell, if its her choice, and she's happy, that should be ok with you. Focus on your problems and not hers.

    Committing yourself to a hospital sounds pretty drastic - and I hope you can find alternative ways forward. There is probably a way to plan some pretty big changes to your life circumstances.

    Like getting out of that homophobic job for something better.

    Have you had counselling for this, been in therapy or had any meds before?

    Are you 'out' to friends or family? Is this part of the equation .. that can be pretty isolating and depressing.
     
  4. arkemdis

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    Hi there...I am 26. All I can say is I know exactly how you feel, but things can change so fast, you putting a deadline on when should your life improve is unfair.

    Look, I am not going to tell you life is great for us..no it's really unfair to be gay...but all I can say is, try to modify what you can. See if you can find another job, I quit mine. Psychiatrists/ologists don't always help unfortunately, try them, but don't hinge your life on them, they are just people who are trying to make a buck at the end of the day.


    Unfortunately to me, what worked to reduce my resent to life, is to change my perspective and expectations of it, there are so many people who live absolutely shitty lives, handicapped and mentally out of it, and they have on top of all that people laughing at them and giving them hell. I find it inspiring that such people still manage to go on and say to everyone else fuck you I am staying. Suicide is basically saying to this world you win. That's how I keep at it..., not through other gays, or through family, but through sheer stubbornness. After all you will die anyway, and you never know maybe sooner than later.

    Find things you enjoy, work on what you'd like to be...unfortunately being gay in most of the world requires to just self fixate and not focus on others approval..if you master that you'll be quiet stronger than a lot of people. It's a harsh existence, but you'll come on top if you last.

    My opinion..take care.
     
  5. AAASAS

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    Yes I've been told by several people that I need to be medicated, but I truly do feel that it's not clinical depression, because when I feel everything is going alright, when I do my school work, when I have somebody, when I come home from work and my parents aren't stressing over money; we're also poor, everything seems fine, and I actually have moments of complete happiness. This tells me that I'm not clinically depressed, because when you are clinically depressed you cannot feel good basically ever.

    Music even is enough to make me feel good if I'm really down, it has basically saved me so many times.

    My depression though has fucked relationships up, because I stress over a lot of things. And if I am having a bad day, which happens more often than not, I can be in a pretty shitty mood.

    The problems honestly don't stop, I could list what's happened in the past year and you'd get it

    -Grandfather died and my dad was pretty upset about it because his Dad never really consoled him about having cancer, and really didn't seem to give a fuck; it's a complicated story but my family isn't the greatest basically

    - Dog has ear infection, we took to vet but can't get him the proper treatment he needs I am on the brink of giving him to the pound but I love him so much and didn't know if he would get a good home. The stress of seeing your dog suffer is fucked, we got him medicine but it keeps coming back, he's not being abused, but he has had a couple of weeks of pain because we couldn't afford to take care of him. We bought the dog before my Dad went bankrupt; he went bankrupt when I was 14.

    - Sister is pregnant with child from an older man that should know better, it's impractical for them to be together because he is heading towards retirement age and she is heading towards mid life, it just doesn't make sense. Love is love and I accept the guy but I don't think it's practical.

    - Sister has diabetes from the pregnancy, which is fine she'll lose it when she gives birth, but it's still scary. She also has a chance of complications during childbirth because of her side. She already had hip displaced last time she had a kid

    - Neck burn from shaving won't go away no matter what I do, I have an appointment with a dermatologist to tackle the issue, but it's still annoying to not have confidence in how you look

    - I have inflamed lymph nodes, and I am high risk of developing leukemia like my Dad, the doctors have confirmed they're enlarged. My age group is the highest risk for getting it, and I'm currently in the process of trying to get it figured out, I had a CT Scan the other day.

    - My sister has been late dropping her kid off to school and the teacher was concerned, I love my niece, she loves me, when the teacher asked her why she was late all the time she said "because I was having a sleep over with my Uncle Kevin", she is 6, and is obsessed with the idea of me and her having a girly sleep over together, the teacher took it as me being a rapist, and I am now on a list for Child Services, just a list, as being mentioned, which could affect my job. My sister is trying to get it cleared up, this happened two weeks ago, she's already been visited by Child Services, and was oked, clearly nothing weird was going on, but the fact I'm on that list is stressful enough.

    - My dad decided to take my sisters dog because she was moving to a place that didn't allow them, as a way to lure her back into moving home. I fought this with all my heart cause I knew I'd be taking care of it, so I now have to take care of a dog that isn't mine that has eaten all my shoes, and my jacket, and it's just annoying to have to spend an hour out of your day everyday towards an animal that deserves so much more attention and love but I can't because I'm stressed and already have to take care of our other dog.

    - My old supervisor at my work hated me and made my life at work a living hell, I tried to get outside support for this but everyone was sort of "thats bullshit" to me. I eventually complained to my Manager about him and actually got him fired. My boss was horrible, he called me a retard, rolled his eyes at me, was always unhappy to see me, dealing with that for a year was hell on Earth. I'm glad I got the balls to do something about it though, and he is now jobless so he can go fuck himself.

    - My work is dicking me around about all my doctor's appointments I've been having and getting mad at me, I'm basically any warning away from getting fired because of it. They don't believe that there is something wrong with me and are upset I've been going to ENT, getting Ultrasounds and getting CT Scans. I've contacted the Labour Board about it a couple times. I'm just a snot nosed brat to them, they don't even understand the stress I'm under. On top of that all my therapy sessions were during the day, and I had to take time off work for that and they seriously made it hard for me for doing that and I was too scared to tell them I was going to therapy, and the reason I was going to therapy was from the work environment.

    - My engine blew on my car two months ago, and I had to spend $2,100 fixing it, there is no bus or transport where I live so if your car is gone you are screwed. $2,100 is currently about a months wages for me, so it was tough to have to go through that time

    There is a bunch of other shit, but all this happened in the past year, there are other crappy things that have happened prior, and I really believe all this crap is what is making me depressed.

    I feel like committing myself or felt because the pain is unbearable at times.

    Thanks for the long lengthy response. I'm just venting now.

    ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2015 at 03:51 PM ----------


    Ya, I'm a people person so not getting approval bothers me and I don't think therapy will ever change that because it's who I am. Hearing homophobic comments cuts deeper in me than most people, I know I shouldn't let it happen, but it really does tear down my self esteem.

    So what methods did you use to get over everything?
     
  6. xylaz

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    Change yourself because ultimately we have our freedom. Be stoic and abandon the things that you can't change. They can't change so what's the point in obsessing over them? We can't expect different results from doing the same things.
    Set your expectations low so that you can conquer them and be victorious in that sense. Pick the easiest goals and complete them because soon enough you will build the confidence to pursue greater ones. Observe how you approach things and ask for help since a new perspective helps us find things our minds otherwise miss or fail to see.People have high expectations of what life should be and what defines a good one, but know that no one will ever share our unique circumstances. It is up to us to learn and adapt to these extenuating situations.
    Emotions are subjective; they are either good or bad depending on how you view them. Your depressed feeling are merely painting a darker image of your world, but is it reality? What will another person do in this situation? Think outside of yourself and treat yourself as if you were another person......Perhaps all this thinking will be a distraction where you discover something insightful. Use that to inspire you.
    My opinion and motto: Think about how you can act and think differently. You would be a fool not to try.
     
  7. Brandiac

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    Hey, this is something wonderful among the sea of awful that's happening to you. You realise that you need help and you are trying to get it. You might need a change of enviroment for starters, try to find a job you don't despise and that could get you somewhere, even night school could be a possibility. Not everyone can be into you only if you received top-notch education and have the best qualification. All the energy you spend thinking about suicide, try to invest in things to get you closer to who, or what you truly want to be! But I hope you're on the way that will lead you to positive changes :slight_smile:
     
  8. howsit

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    For fuck's sake, just do it, Kevin. You live in your damn head, and you need some intensive therapy.
     
  9. panlove0705

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    I used to deal with severe depression, self mutilation, anorexia, anxiety, panic attacks, etc. I still struggle with anxiety a little bit but most of my issues were sorted out when I was committed. No, I didn't choose it, I fainted one day and I was taken against my will to a psychiatric hospital and was kept there for a month. My eating disorder had gotten so bad I was 20 years old, 5"7 and only weighed 84 pounds. I gained about 20 pounds in there, my self inflicted wounds healed, and I received the therapy I needed. It really really sucked, but if I were you, I would go commit myself for a while before things got worse. It sounds like you could potentially be a danger to yourself or, god forbid, even others. At the very least, consider out patient therapy. As far as being alone, I get that too, I once was afraid of being alone, but it wasn't until I started to love myself that I found love. When you are confident, other people see that, they're drawn to it. I can't speak for everyone but sometimes you have to learn to be happy with yourself before pursuing a relationship, you know? I hope this helps, from one nut to another :slight_smile: Much love
     
  10. kyfry

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    First of all(*hug*)

    Second- I fully support you on committing yourself. I did that just after I turned 25 for similar reasons (my brother has lupus, and my dad has thin blood and little to no immune system), my mom is an alcoholic, work stresses me, as well as some other issues to the point that I couldnt take it anymore. My stress, depression and anxiety took over my life.

    Being in the hospital was a big help. I got the support I needed from doctors as well as from the other patients there who understood because they are dealing with the same shit. It was almost a mini vacation from life for me since I was off work, and basically was away from everything from the outside world. It also taught me more about mental health during my stay there.
     
  11. GrumpyOldLady

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    I wish I could give you a hug, it sounds like you're in a lot of pain. You have a lot going on right now in your life, and it sounds overwhelming. Maybe you need to concentrate on taking care of yourself for a while. You are a person that deserves respect and love, and I know it sounds new age, but if you tell yourself that often enough you'll eventually believe it. I've been in a similar place before, and it's possible if not easy to come back out of it. Music is awesome, I've used it as a release many times.

    It's important to know that no matter how bad things seem, they're not as dark as you think. You are more than your job, and more than a relationship. Losing your job might even be a blessing in disguise, if it's a toxic, homophobic environment. Having a relationship never helped my depression, usually it made it worse to have to deal with another person's issues in addition to my own craziness. You'll have time enough for love when you've got less going on, and it will be easier to find someone worthwhile.

    Don't worry about being too old to go back to school; I went back around your age and hardly anyone noticed. I wasn't even the only one.
     
  12. AAASAS

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    Is this chris????

    ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2015 at 08:16 PM ----------

    Hey man, sorry to hear about your brother. How's he doing, and dealing with your mom I couldn't imagine. A friend at work has an alcoholic father he seems to be pretty open about it so maybe that helps him deal with it, do you complain to people about it ever just to getit off yourchest.

    How did you go about committing yourself, I feel fine now but that's only temporary. Also how long were you there, how embarrassing was it to return to work after?

    ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2015 at 08:18 PM ----------

    Hey. Thanks for the reply. I don't get your education comment though. Haha maybe it's because I'm uneducated
     
  13. Fugs

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    Lol it depends on what hospital you go to, most are crap and the only good ones are private hospitals. Some just make you sit around the whole time while others have a couple groups During the day. If you want to go more power to you but a lot of those places fucking suck.
     
  14. AAASAS

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    I fucking nailed it, I can tell it was you, haha your writing style is totally unique to you even if it is harsh.

    ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2015 at 08:37 PM ----------

    Tell me more I'm actually interested.
     
  15. Fugs

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    Most hospitals are holding pens. The worst ones have their own court rooms to legally force people to stay. None of the ones i've been to were really useful, you're better off going to therapy since you'll spend less time with anyone who can help you in a hospital than you would seeing a therapist once a week.
     
  16. kyfry

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    Hey man, sorry to hear about your brother. How's he doing, and dealing with your mom I couldn't imagine. A friend at work has an alcoholic father he seems to be pretty open about it so maybe that helps him deal with it, do you complain to people about it ever just to getit off yourchest.

    How did you go about committing yourself, I feel fine now but that's only temporary. Also how long were you there, how embarrassing was it to return to work after?

    My brother is okay. He has lived with lupus for the past 11 years. Recently he has been battling some blood clots in his leg. He is on a list of medications for everything that literally takes up an entire sheet of paper. He also is getting chemo treatments for some recent lupus flare ups. He sees about 3 different doctors every week.

    As for my mom. Ive flat out told her that she is an alcoholic and that she needs help. I told her that I would be willing to help her but she denys everything and says she doesnt have a problem. If shes not willing to get help, thats her choice but Im not happy about it.

    As for my commiting I saw my gp after months of feeling depressed. He had me answer some questions and put me on an antidepressant to try. Knowing that it takes some time to get acclimated I gave it a month. I was still feeling depressed and felt worse than before. He tried a stronger antidepressant but after a week I had enough. I walked outside my house to my car and called him while I was in tears sitting alone inside my car in my underwear. (keep in mind it was early December and very cold outside) I told him that I couldnt take it anymore and had no idea what to do. He told me to check myself into the emergency room and they took me up to the Behavioral Health Wing where I spent the next 4 days.

    ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2015 at 09:42 PM ----------

    My brother is okay. He has lived with lupus for the past 11 years. Recently he has been battling some blood clots in his leg. He is on a list of medications for everything that literally takes up an entire sheet of paper. He also is getting chemo treatments for some recent lupus flare ups. He sees about 3 different doctors every week.

    As for my mom. Ive flat out told her that she is an alcoholic and that she needs help. I told her that I would be willing to help her but she denys everything and says she doesnt have a problem. If shes not willing to get help, thats her choice but Im not happy about it.

    As for my commiting I saw my gp after months of feeling depressed. He had me answer some questions and put me on an antidepressant to try. Knowing that it takes some time to get acclimated I gave it a month. I was still feeling depressed and felt worse than before. He tried a stronger antidepressant but after a week I had enough. I walked outside my house to my car and called him while I was in tears sitting alone inside my car in my underwear. (keep in mind it was early December and very cold outside) I told him that I couldnt take it anymore and had no idea what to do. He told me to check myself into the emergency room and they took me up to the Behavioral Health Wing where I spent the next 4 days.

    As for work, I took a month long medical leave. Since I work for my dad he had no issue with it. I took work off to go to give me time to adjust to new medications, and go to outpatient therapy. It can take a while to find the right medication that works for you, its pretty much trial and error.
     
  17. AAASAS

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    True well your brother is awesome sticking through all that.

    And maybe you need to almost force your mom into it, or coerce her into it. I dont know I wish I could suggest something but I haven't dealt with that before so I have no idea.

    I'm still feeling really shitty about myself, I'm just afraid going to a hospital isn't gonna help, I really still feel that I'm only upset because of life events and not because of a chemical imbalance. I have moments of happiness all the time, even if they are short lived, and usually being depressed/ messed up means you are constantly feeling that way.

    I'm not saying I don't feel shitty, because the feeling I get in unbearable, I just really don't know what to do.

    I'm really afraid of dying alone too, and I feel thats gonna happen to me because of how I have been treated by people in the past, I just don't feel good enough. People have led me to believe I'm not worth their breath almost. There really is no point in being around if I'm just gonna be dealing with that.
     
  18. kyfry

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    I would still suggest going to the ER and at the very least they can do a mental evaluation. Especially if you are feeling suicidal. Ive actually have been back there twice just for my own thoughts of suicide. I tried putting my suicidal thoughts aside for a while but it literally kept me up all night, sending me into panic attacks.

    Your feelings of being alone are very similar to mine. Thats what led to some of my suicidal thoughts.

    I strongly suggest you go. Whether they admit you into psych or not its better than just sitting at home trying to ignore your feelings. Ignoring everything will only make it worse and could leave you to hurting or killing yourself. I dont even know you but it would honestly break my heart if that happened. (*hug*)
     
  19. Zombi3

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    (*hug*)(*hug*)

    Dude you're not alone :slight_smile:

    Most people go through shit in their lives, but if you push through it.. You'll be happy! Trust me, I know you feel like the whole world is crushing you down, but happiness is there.

    I've been in that position feeling helpless and defeated because I failed in education and domestic issues.. You automatically think people will down on you.. Yes there will be some who are assholes, but most people I met don't care. They won't judge you for that, if you're a great person they will support you.

    I had major depression, since I was a kid.. I wanted to kill myself when I was 11(?). But thank goodness I was too stupid to do it :lol: I still somewhat have it, but since working as a waiter it helped me open my eyes and connect with people, I realized people go through their own struggles. They just don't tell others.

    What job are you currently in??

    I took a different way of dealing with my depression, I chose to deal it with myself.. I started to look into "Self Awareness" and its really lifted the "Grey" out of my life, I still have some work to do though.

    If you want I can help you, just give me a PM. :thumbsup: