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Commitment phobia

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Fimo, Feb 1, 2015.

  1. Fimo

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    I'm sorry i post here a lot, but it seems like i need advice because i can't get myself together on my own :grin:

    So, my girlfriend has some commitment phobia. I can't be sure, she hasn't been diagnosed by a therapist of smth (and apparently she doesn't want to see one). I just read things online, and the fear of commitment was the closest name i found for her "condition".
    Long story short, we've been "dating" since late-december. Right after the new year, she told me that she couldn't give me affection. Then she said she indeed liked me, but a part of her brain was like "don't commit". And lately, she told me that the more she is attached, the more she gets distant and needs space.

    We then agreed to stay friends, because a romantic relationship won't work in a healthy way, at least atm.

    But I will confess that i'm not sure how to deal with this. I can understand the insecurities at the root of it, but still, i can't relate, and it's hard for me to figure out what's good to do and what she would consider inappropriate, at a point where I'm kind of afraid of talking to her about this. And also because i'm currently giving her space & don't want to bother her :3

    So, if any of you had, or currently have a similar phobia, i would like to ask you a few questions, even if i know that it's probably different for everybody !
    And also if you are in the same situation as me and are involved in a relationship with a commitment-phobe, I think I could use a few ppl to talk to :slight_smile:

    Thanks to all :slight_smile:
     
  2. Mystory

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    My opinion: The majority of people who have commitment phobia (and most likely this applies to your 'girlfriend') are usually just extremely independent and self-sufficient people who crave the individuality and freedom that bachelorhood has to offer. They often aren't used to the constant texting, nor would they be accustomed to being a custodian of someone else's happiness- because that's exactly what it is when you are in a relationship: you are in charge of not just your own happiness, but your partner's happiness as well. Relationships aren't hard work if they compose of two people with similar attitudes and overlapping compatibility- but they do involve work nonetheless, and alongside this, an obligation and a role to fulfill. It is possible that your girlfriend is unfamiliar with this charge and feels that being in a label-less relationship is less complicated and serious.

    Personal experience:You won't like what I have to say next:
    The last "serious" guy that I saw had a similar issue- he always told me how he just 'wasn't ready for a serious relationship' but that he did indeed like me as a person and was physically attracted to me. His issue was moreover rooted in his devastating break-up with his previous partner. He told me that he had "no more love to give" and that he had wished he had met me first, before he had met his ex. Till this day, I honestly struggle to see things from his perspective... but I can at the very least understand them vaguely. His issue was that, I guess- hating to admit this, that I did not simply compare to how his ex was in terms of captivating him.

    I myself have a form of 'commitment phobia'- with my last guy being the exception where I wanted nothing more than to commit to him. My 'commitment phobia' stemmed from the fact that no matter who I met, I felt that I was not being satisfied in one way or another- as vain as this sounded, I felt that I could have done better and that I should not settle when I am aware that there are better men out there who would treat me better. As blunt as this is: I was searching for perfection- and I had found something close to it with the last previous guy (I was accepting of his faults of characters and I overlooked them), and since then, no one has been able to make me feel as special or captivate me. Even before him, I had met many people and none of them compared to how amazing my first lover was (that never worked out due to visa issues). As unfortunate as this is, when it comes to dating someone who has been 'around' in a sense, it is inevitable that they will subconsciously compare their affairs- their innocence of having the freshness of first-love, the special-ness of love itself, becomes diluted. They have given too much to too many people and what's left is this perpetual dissatisfaction and this sense of broken exhaustion. I feel exhausted at times, and I am assuming so did my "ex"- it is a vicious cycle of giving more and more of yourself away from what little left there is, in a paradoxical desire to fill an indiscriminate void. Of course, I wanted to break this cycle by vowing to see no one (emotionally)- and that's exactly what I've done- fill the void by myself and repair the relationship with myself.

    They say that happiness is reality minus the expectation- and I believe that this applies to me and most other people who have 'commitment phobia'. I do not know what your 'girlfriend' is thinking in this situation and it is very possible and even likely that she is nowhere near as damaged emotionally as I am or as my "ex" was, constantly living in a shadow of regret- being unable to settle and give people chances because we simply expect too much and have felt too much in the past and have had our hearts broken, but it can be a likely scenario.

    What you could do: I hate to say this, but there's absolutely nothing that you can do. If she falls into either of the two aforementioned categories, whether or not she is still hurting from a previous commitment or she is simply aloof and strongly independent to a potential fault, the most you can do is continue to be yourself. unfortunate as it is, it is up to her to accept your personality and your quirks and your whims- and it is up to you to accept hers if she is truly the aloof, self-sufficient type. If you are willing to do so, then you can give her some space as well, and perhaps not fuss over how to 'fix' this as you put it, but rather just simply enjoy the time that you two spend together and not to think more of it. You say that you panic about approaching her about the matter, but ideally, approaching your partner about any issue should never be an issue as a good relationship is built upon a foundation of solid communication... I am afraid that the only real thing you can do is to heed her subtle request that: "she... needs space." Be there, but do not be there all of the time. Be there just enough so that she doesn't feel suffocated, but be there just enough to remind her that you are always there for her when she needs you...

    In summary: commitment phobia, I believe, stems from a constant and nagging dissatisfaction with the present situation- this is always expressed in the desire to be free- to escape in a sense
     
    #2 Mystory, Feb 1, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2015
  3. wasgij

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    I've been on both sides. Feeling rejected, and also feeling stuck. I was in a steady relationship with someone, but she wanted more and I didn't feel the same way. I can see how, looking in from the outside, it might look like "commitment phobia", but the explanation feels so inaccurate.

    It had nothing to do with fear of marrying or settling down in principle, it was just the gut feeling that she wasn't the one. Not that there has to be a 'one', or that a mistake would be fatal. For me, the mistake would have been settling down so quickly when my gut was warning me about the lack of connection between us, and how I had all these great connections with other people. Part of me was probably greedy, but it's a learning process. It's not something that others could teach me or talk me out of.

    I've also felt infatuated at other times, feeling way too attracted to someone. I guess that that would legitimately drive them away, especially if I made a fool of myself or got too clingy.

    You're young, you're trying way too hard. On the other hand, don't do a 180 turn and become an @ss based on my advice. Just sayin': any fool can stumble into a relationship. Sometimes they even kid themselves that they're some kind of expert. So if it feels like it's way too much work, it probably is.