What am I?

I am a biological male. I have been lurking here for about a day. Recently I have been having doubts about my sexuality and gender. I think I am bi/pansexual, but I honestly don't know about gender. I feel like I have many feminine characteristics, and teak great pleasure in some things associated with females. I would normally consider this as just a normal part of life, but being here on EC and listening to people speak, I feel like I sound a lot like some of the non-binary-gendered community members, in terms of thoughts, desires etc. I feel like I would want to try crossdressing, but I am not sure that my mom would like that. I feel that she would say that I am just "jumping on the bandwagon" (I have a stepbrother who wears makeup and a close male friend who crossdresses.) That or just outright reject me. She has always told me that transexuals and crossdressers are "weird", in the same way that the average person would look down upon someone with a weird fetish. Today I partially shaved my legs (in secret) and the feeling is just indescribable. As well as the obvious aesthetic and textural change, I feel... different. (I really don't know how to put it into words. I apologize for that horrible use of ellipses. I cringed as I wrote that.) I have fantasies about being dominated like a woman, and when I watch straight porn (underage, I know), I always imagine that I am the woman.I can't think of anything else to say now.

I post this because I just want to talk about this, and know if I need to do anything about this like speak with my counselor. (I have one for unrelated reasons - eg. not depression).

 

Thanks for the support, man! I was stressing a bit when I wrote this, but now I am chill again. I am glad that I am not alone. But any non-acceptance would be pretty bad for me. How will I do anything without my mom's support? My dad is out of the picture, so I have to live with her. I have always found discussing sexuality and such difficult with her, even though my sister is a lesbian, and she is cool with it. Also, I have spent a while telling everyone that I am asexual - I thought I was at the time, but then porn and stuff happened. It was real easy to just not discuss stuff, and so now I have no idea how to say it.
"Hey mom, I want to dress up in women's clothes!"
I just don't know how to broach the subject. My friend I mentioned above had friends who were cool with it (he first tried it drunk at a party.)

 

Whoops! I just noticed that I called you 'man', aeoli. No offence intended - I'm new to talking to people who aren't men who identify as men (etc.)

Thanks for the support, penta! I hope that this feeling will resolve itself / go away. It is confusing, you're right.

 

No offence taken, either. And good idea. I do little exercise ATM because I had no motivation to, but I may have to try that. And again good idea on the feminine jeans & hoodie. That's not so much my style, but I haven't tried being a woman yet, so I don't know what my style would be... I am typeing out thoughts here. I don't even right now.

Is there any information on the correct exercises to do to look more feminine? I am on my 3ds ATM, so searching is hard and there is no flash...

 

Ok. Thank you! That is helpful.

 

I looked this up, and it seems do-able. I will try it. Something like Yoga - which I have done before - could be good, apparently. So that is cool. I found a lot of stuff (I assume you know more already, so I won't divulge / regurgitate the information unless you want me to.) I will have to try that - maybe even before telling my mom about this whole thing.

Thank you for talking, it has been a great help. It is near midnight near me, so I think that I will go to sleep soon. Hopefully we will talk again!

 

Ok. So I talked to my friend that I talked about earlier. He was super cool with it. (I did not mention above that I have feelings for him because it was not relevant, but I think it's worth mentioning because the fact that he was cool with that highlights how awesome he is.) I feel a lot better for having an IRL person to talk to, because today at school was terrible. I stayed up most of the night thinking about and researching this, so I was really tired, emotional. I nearly had a panic attack-sort-of-thing in a History test (so I done gone fucked up that.) I feel calmer now, and I will talk to my counselor about this when I next see him. So, for now, I think I am done here. I love this community so I'll probably stick around, but this thread is mostly closed - for me, at least. If people want to post, go ahead. And I may sometimes. So yeah. Stuff.

 

Yeah, but as I said, I find it hard to talk to her about it.I don't know how to bring it up, and I think that my sister was in a similar place for a long time

(Maybe I am not so inactive on this thread after all.)

 

Ok, guys. I told my mom, and she is fine with it. So that is good.

 

Yeah. But the difficult part is probably still to come... Not only telling less liberal family members, but this whole concept - thinking about what I want I am, what I want to do. Let alone passing and stuff... Thanks for the support, though, peeps!