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unrequited love- but was I being used?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by doorways, Mar 29, 2015.

  1. doorways

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    First time posting. LORD, this is LONG -- but to the point. I hope.

    I've never felt so strongly for someone and now I think I know what real heartache is. Preface: I am 40, never been in a sexual relationship with a woman (dated a few guys, never felt authentic) and fell hard for a woman over a year ago.

    "M" and I were friends for a few months, met at the gym and began to hang out (walks, talks, movies) every week. She is gay, 48, been in a bunch of relationships. She only lived in my town for a couple years and didn't have any close friends nearby, just her sister. I looked up to her and found her extremely attractive. She was someone I thought, OK I am totally gay. This is real, I love her like no one else I've ever met before.

    Two months later, Christmas came and she invited me to meet her family. We were clearly just friends. Although, my feelings for her started almost immediately, and I tried to hide them.

    January comes, I call her up and confess my feelings and she rejects me. Fine, it was a short discussion. I am OK. I tell myself I can still be friends. I never bring up the subject again. We continued to hang out, nearly every week, spending HOURS together. Nothing sexual. I was accepting the fact she didn't have romantic feelings for me and never expected more. I just loved her company.

    10 months later, best of friends still (or so I thought) -- November comes along. (Roughly just over a year into the close friendship.) I realize as "happy" as she makes me, the pain of unrequited love is killing me. I sit down and tell her I need time apart. I tell her: "I'm heart-broken," "in pain all the time," and "don't know how to be your friend." She claims to understand, and agrees I need time away. I was very clear about how much I cared for her and told her she was one of the best friends I ever made and I'd hoped after some time, we could remain long-term friends. We agreed we could be friends but first I needed some time away from each other.

    She also for THE FIRST TIME, that night, says "Your one of my closest friends here and I love you." She said, "I don't take it personally, I understand. Take your time and I'll be here for you when you are ready." The next day, she sees me at the gym, approaches me right away and says "Hey, how's it going?" - as if nothing happened the day before. I was already weepy and told her I couldn't talk to her. She replied "Then you better find another gym because I am going to be here everyday." I was taken aback. THEN I actually apologized for my weeping. She began to talk about her weekend plans as if nothing ever happened just then, or the day before.

    After that day, I was confused by her contradicting words and actions. I refused to speak to her. If I saw her at the gym but we didn't speak. I needed time away from her and wanted to take it. Clearly, she wasn't going to GIVE me the time. Two months went by. Then we reconnected at the gym once day. She approached ME and apologized, said she missed me, loved me and yet said she felt manipulated by me. I personally think she couldn't stand seeing me at the gym and ignoring her. My intentions were never cruel, I needed some space and when "M" couldn't give me any, I had to take it for myself. FOR me. It took longer because of this.

    After that, everything went downhill for me. More "I miss you" and "I love you" messages from her but we NEVER hung out again. Never talked about our relationship. Felt toxic. My heart wasn't in it and I felt tortured by her words and her empty actions. This week I stopped replying to her texts. Her last text to me was "Miss ya! OX"

    After writing this I feel she was just torturing me and needed someone to hang on to her every word and give her attention. I suppose I did this for a year, I suppose she enjoyed it.

    As an inexperienced lesbian, do you think there was there ever a real friendship there? I don't understand why someone would hang out all the time together. Maybe we were both a drug to each other. Maybe it was all a game to her. I truly cared about her. I am letting her go now but it's so confusing.

    Thanks for reading this. It felt good just to type it out. I welcome any familiar stories or thoughts. I'm finally feeling real love for someone and I just got crushed. Does this happen ALL THE TIME?
     
  2. heanic

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    This sounds similar to my first love experience, except she tortured me..telling me she had feelings and loved me but we couldn't be together, yet would go berserk if i wanted space or tried to date someone else, all this time knowing she was the first girl i ever fell for and to this day im still in love with her and never had closure..basically i think ur friend enjoyed having a puppet on a string.. it made her feel good. It probably wasnt her intention to string you along but she did anyway. U have done the best thing by giving yourself space..maybe take someone else to the gym with u to show her ur past it and this will knock her down a peg or two and her attitude towards u may change. Keep us updated :slight_smile:
     
  3. heythere999

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    From what I got in your story, it didn't seem like you were being used at all. You didn't point out any instances of flirtatious behavior.
     
  4. musicman1982

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    Hi doorways!

    From what you are saying of your first experiences with this "M", you seemed to of said your feelings first before she did and as heythere999 had said, was there any flirtatious behaviour or indications that she liked you back, but didn't actively say it. I once had feelings for someone who I knew they would either not be reciprocated or if they did have feelings for me, they wouldn't be a good person anyway. It had taken me time to realise that, as I don't have feelings for them anymore.

    The best advice I could give you is, if you said that you are an 'inexperienced' lesbian. Did you say that you are just 'getting to know' these feelings? Because, if you say that maybe this could of not happened, but I think the way she has dealt with it is weird. So, I would say leave your 'ship (as the people on the internet call it, meaning friendship, relationship) as a friendship, so you could probably get a good restart, if you are willing to give her another chance, if you are still upset and can't get over it, it's probably best to move on to someone who will respect you as you are, rather then being with someone who is constantly swinging or on the fence dangling a carrot. Hope this helps?
     
  5. AlmostBlue

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    I think this does happen often unfortunately, where love and attention are conflated on both sides. Clearly, she didn't respect you enough to give you time and space that you needed for your well being and for the sake of the friendship. I would assume that although you tried to hide it, it was clear from your dedication and affection that you were in love with her, and she liked that attention. Now that she is losing you, she's even escalating it by saying I love you and all that, which is terrible. I think you're right to feel used in a way, and I'm sorry you had to go through this. You should examine why you really liked her as well, and also how you might have been addicted to her and her attention.

    Also, for future reference (although I hope these things don't happen again), when you do want space from someone or you break up with someone, you should try to do your best to avoid them yourself. Maybe there weren't other gyms around that were convenient, but I think you should've switched.
     
  6. doorways

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    Thank you all for the replies. It helps to heard your views, really appreciate it.

    To answer the question of flirting, yes - she was flirty in first month. (All occurred at the gym: Friendly nudges, winks, staring into my eyes. What is it with the long stares?) I just didn't know how to react. I am not a flirty type. However, once we started talking more socially outside the gym and the subject of dating came up she asked me if I had a girlfriend. I said "I never dated a woman." Her face dropped, so yea - I think she thought I was gay. I'm guessing at that point she was likely confused (as I was) about my sexuality. The flirting stopped. The friendship continued but I was growing more and more attached to her. It was unhealthy. I see that now.

    I'm relieved and thankful for the responses that she likely liked playing with me/dangling a carrot. Yes, I gave her attention. Too much. My fault there. I am examining WHY I was attracted to her, despite all the pain/torture it caused me. Once I stopped pining after her, she lost interest in me but that's when the "I love you" and "I miss you"'s messages started. Creepy and fake. As for now, I am avoiding the gym and don't hear from her as much.

    Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences! Very comforting. I am getting wiser, little by little.
     
  7. doorways

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    Thanks for sharing heanic. Happens to the best of us. I'm sorry you had a similar experience.
     
  8. headie2infinity

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    I can relate to this as well. But more from a friendship stand point so maybe this can give you some introspection. I think for you personally this is a toxic relationship because of so many unresolved feelings for the both of you. It seems like she cares about you and doesn't want to lose you as a friend but doesn't know how to give you your space. Because that probably scares her. She also sounds like she does love the attention. But that is common in a friendship. However in your case it is hard because you have stronger feelings. I think she is trying to deal with the situation in her own way, and possibly the only way she knows how to. I respect what you did for yourself and I think it is important that you took the time to be away. I do think that you both can be friends but you need to be completely honest with each other. I would talk to her about how you feel again and ask her what she thinks and if this friendship is ever going to work. You need to tell her your true feelings even if that is hard. I hope this works out for you!

    ---------- Post added 31st Mar 2015 at 11:58 AM ----------

    I also had a friend that put me through this situation and she was my drug although I never wanted to be with her I gave her my undivided attention. Later I found that I never got anything back from her. It was a one way relationship and she was manipulating me. I also realized I wasn't the only person she was doing this to. She did it to every single person. Whether they were employers, friends, family, or romantic relationships. I finally left the friendship and I could see what type of person she really was and was so glad I left it in the past because she could never change.
     
  9. doorways

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    Thanks headie2infinity
    I'm keeping my distance. Similar to your former friend, I get the impression she manipulates and uses others. I've been reading about narcissists and the dangers of them. It's actually been helpful and a huge relief because I realize it's not 'all' my fault. She fits the mold and I was blind and an easy target. I let myself be her target, despite my gut feelings.

    Maybe your friend was a narcissist too. I didn't realize how dangerous these people are until I read more about their characteristics. (She has few close friends so I couldn't tell immediately, another bad sign.) Yea, they will never change, so I will. It's a learning curve. Thanks for sharing!