Why pp should not judge gay folks who first got married, etc.

Thanks for posting this article, and for your thoughtful comments. I always find it painful when people who don't understand make negative comments about those of us who have had to deal with this sort of situations. When I was a teen, being gay was still classified as a mental disease. In my college, it was grounds for dismissal, and it was guaranteed. The jobs that I had guaranteed termination for homosexuality, and several men were facing criminal charges for being homosexuals. And along with all that, there was no vocabulary and nobody to talk to about it. The only images of gays in the media where extremely campy, exaggerated queens wearing dresses and carrying purses, or just being way too campy for me to relate to. Yeah, things have changed a lot, but once you've built a life on the foundation of those lies, change is more difficult and is very painful. thank God for EC!

 

As a formerly straight married woman for 21 years... I absolutely can relate to and very much appreciate reading what you have both shared here. Thank you. I agree that negative comments and judgments are harmful.
I am grateful to be embracing the real me even though it took me over 40 years to do so. Stepping away from other people's perceptions and beliefs has been both painful and rewarding. I have sadly lost acceptance and communication with my mother and brothers... but have gained unconditional love from my children and true passionate love with a transwoman... a person I almost feel that my heart was created for.
Though I am still working through some of my own questions and concerns I am happy and free. It feels amazing to not be hiding what I had thought of "the secret part of me" anymore. I lived the first mile of my life as well as I could... did my best with what I knew and have wonderful memories but not honoring my whole self took its toll and ultimately lead to depression and poor health. I am hopeful for a wonderful second mile of life and am committed to honoring others as well as myself with kindness, respect, patience and love. :eusa_danc

 

Is there anything that might have helped you come out a bit earlier? Looking back?

 

Hi,

The only real issue is the falsehoods and illusions society teaches as absolutes and the discrimination, persecution and violence (mental, physical) for those who do not conform to the lies of society.

 

i only judge one thing when they have kids who hate gay people cause one of their parents turned out to be gay and ruined their family
other than that every man or woman has the freedom to get married to anyone they choose and try to be one with anyone they want just please dont have kids and dont start making promises to god when you know you are just trying to be with someone not really sure dont jump to kids and big stuff take it slow
though everyone make mistakes im not god to judge and i respect everyone ^_^

 

I do not have personal experience of a situation as you presented it. My experience has been the opposite, and for those that I have met in similar circumstances, I have not encounter such a reaction from their kids. I wonder if this is really prevalent. My kids were raised to be open minded and treat everyone with respect.

When I came out, they did not have any issue with the fact I was gay, but the troubling prospects of their parents getting divorced, which kids go through all the time. Given how amicable the transition was between their mother and father, they go through the changes quite well.

 

my kids love gay people. My 19 year old son went to the gay pride march in nyc last year

i did well because through my acts of procreation the world now has two more people who love gay people

 

omg thats good to know guys
anyways i was talking about that girl though the one that blasted out in the news saying that her gay moms didnt really give her what she lost from her father and people started saying this is what happens when two people from the same sex raise kids this is why i get upset when some old gay men and women get married and have kids immediately some may turn out like you guys but not everyone are good parents many kids think that their gay mom\dad ruined what they had in that family and they blame it on being gay divorce isnt a good thing you know many kids are going with it these days but again not all the kids are the same and not all the parents have raised good open mined kids
though you guys must be good parents from the looks of it ^__^

 

I did not hear about that situation. Hope it's isolated.

 

that girl hun
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/curre...er-married-lesbians-against-gay-marriage.html

 

Thanks for asking that question, Crunchy. Yes, absolutely if my parents and siblings weren't so opposed to homosexuality, I would have felt that I could tell them about myself without them cutting me out of the family. I remember being scared on my wedding day, but didn't have the courage to say or do anything about it. I was so young, and pregnant, and thought I didn't have any other choice. After exchanging vows which I took very seriously, I spent 19 of my married years committed to making things work... I was good at putting myself aside and even better at taking care of others. I never enjoyed sex, which I am ashamed to admit. My Ex and I did try to make things work, but somehow we hindered each other's growth and ultimately realized we just weren't good for each other. We divorced amicably.
It will be 5 years this summer that started me on my healing path. Those years included the death of my father to lung cancer, son's diagnosis of lyme disease, my own cancer scare and illness with the shingles virus, natural healing methods, and in the end, seeing the strength I never knew I had. It took a lot to bring me to the point of coming out... but in short, it took me finally loving myself. It took me coming to know my worth. Life is short and I am worth happiness and being loved, not just giving love.
It doesn't do any good wishing things had been different... everything I have experienced in life has brought me to this day. I am grateful that my children don't have any prejudices... I have many blessings in my life. Sorry if I rambled... I don't write very well, but I do speak from my heart.

---------- Post added 1st Apr 2015 at 04:57 PM ----------

:eusa_clap(*hug*)

Bravo!!! I like that thought... it is wonderful that our kids love gays.

---------- Post added 1st Apr 2015 at 04:58 PM ----------

agreed!

 

Most of the young people I meet in the liberal areas in NYC and around the metro area, from middle and upper middle class families, react to homosexuality not at all; to them different orientations and lifestyles are just part of life. They don't give it a second thought. Before I came out, it was my daughter who got all of us watching Modern Family. It's encouraging but of course I know it's not like this everywhere. Maybe NYC is really a den of iniquity as the social conservatives say.

 

Hi,

I am sorry... About that girl... Throughout history people have supported/participated in groups that discriminated against them or their families. They always found ways to rationalize it. Bottom line... To "belong" people will do most anything under the right conditions.

 

i don't think people necessarily judge other gay people for being married or getting married. to put it bluntly, i think the stigma is the part where they basically ruin/waste another persons life by being a dishonest and untruthful to someone else. perhaps if people were more opened minded when starting a relationship and being honest and upfront things would be easier for them. i can only imagine what the other person in a false relationship feels like after being lied to for so many years.

 

Agreed.

Do you think the other person does know that 'something' is not quite right, and ignores it?

 

It absolutely isn't a nice thing to do in that regard. It's by large not an intentional thing as most often there's a genuine love that makes a person believe on some level that "it will be enough" that the strength of the bond they share in every other way will get them past the attraction/desire issue and they will be able to have a long fulfilling life together. Which over time becomes tougher and tougher.

Also there seems to be a very large percentage of straight spouses who maybe not at the moment of the coming out but in time acknowledge that they had suspected for all along or that they knew something was missing. This at a point makes them complable.

They felt on some level something was missing in the relationship but at the same time felt that regardless of whatever was off/missing what they had in the relationship would "be enough".

This isn't related to mixed orientation situations lots of people straight gay or whatever 'settle' there's a pressure in society to reach a certain age and paid off so many feel like the one they are with at the point is the one they may as well pair off with. That's not necessarily saying any things wrong with either party which makes it harder to distinguish-they are attractive, you get a long well, don't fight etc on paper everything makes sense but something is just missing.

It's a tough issue to go through on either end but if it were to "ruin" someone's life that ultimately would say more about them as a person. Change is tough for most and like any big change it'll feel like the world has been turned upside down for a time but the cloud clears eventually and that feeling of ruin will turn to a feeling of relief of being released from a life where something was missing for both parties and gaining the freedom to find the right life for them.

 

It was a different world in the 1960s than it is today, socially and legally. Being gay was socially felt as a choice ubiquitously, and was an actual crime in many ways, as it is in some other countries today. No sympathy, no compassion and understanding, no gay role models, no safe haven to escape to.

If you judge people from that era as though they are living in the times of today, you are making a serious error in your own judgement before you start.

 

This is how I felt. She was smart, pretty, and focused. I had the full support of my family and friends. Our outlook on life, kids, and our goals were all compatible. We fight but we grew each time and were respectful to each other. On paper, this should be easy, which is why I was so upset the "gay thoughts" never went away.

 

thanks for saying this Yossarian. It definitely needs to be said. There is so much blaming the victims, sometimes I feel like they would have blamed people for having lived as slaves too. People who have grown up in the past 20 or 30 years can't even conceive of what it used to be like. at least some can't, from the comments i keep seeing condemning anyone who got married 40 or 50 years ago and later realized that they are gay.