It has been a long time since I posted on EC. I see that many of my old friends have "left the building". I am glad for them and hope they have found peace in their new lives. I too have found some peace. I have less misery and more happiness than I had for a long time. The only residual deficit I have from my coming out is guilt. I feel so guilty for the pain I have caused others. The disruption I have caused to so many. I have given me ex husband everything I think he needs. I have made peace although no reconnection with my old best friend. I have come to a middle ground with my family. Even though she would disagree... I have finally given my ex gf the thing she asked for most- her freedom. The question I have is: will I ever be able to forgive myself? Can I ever see myself as more than the lying cheating lesbian home wrecker? It would be nice to have hope that day may exist. Best to all.
Hi Lovetoski- What is there to forgive? The road to find and be your authentic true self is a tough and painful journey. You deserve to live a life of joy; To be who you are. Life is messy gay or strait. Yes- you hurt your husband but to continue in your marriage would not have been fair to either one of you. Let go of the guilt. Move forward. Breathe!!!
Lovetoski Do you remember the McDonalds slogan "You deserve a break today"? We've put the needs of others ahead of our own for most of our lives. Now that we've come out, it's OK to put our needs first You are not a lying cheating lesbian home wrecker!!! You are a strong and courageous lesbian who did what was necessary to discover herself at midlife and then shared her true self with her family. No more secrets, no more lies. You are free. Give yourself a break today and stop affirming what others have said about you. You have the final say on what you think about yourself. Why undermine yourself by accepting other's BS and using it as a club on yourself?
You can forgive yourself and that is all that matters. Those waiting for others foregiveness can die of old age waiting. ---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2015 at 04:04 AM ---------- Just do it
Welcome back, Lovetoski! Your absence was noted. *smile* I think MAG here says it beautifully. One big lesson I've learned from this trip through life is that everyone of us does *exactly* what we're capable of doing: no more; no less. If you had been able to act earlier, you would have done...if you'd known what you do now, if you'd understood yourself as well, etc. But you were unable to. We cannot accept guilt for things we cannot change. We can only strive to be the best person we can be in this moment. Clearly you are doing that...celebrate the accomplishments, and let go of the guilt. But also do your best to learn from that past...what you now view as mistakes. Maybe now when you see that there's something you're refusing to confront, you can be a bit quicker to take a good hard look at it? "Oh, but I should have known!" Yeah, but you didn't, or couldn't let yourself see it. "Oh, but I should have been stronger!" Yeah, but you weren't. "Oh, but I should have tried longer." Don't kid yourself: you tried as long as you were able to. "Oh, but I should have said it better/more sensitively." Again, you said it as best you could at that time, under those circumstances. You're a different person now, so you might say it better now...awesome! No need to condemn a less competent past self. "But I had red flag after red flag after red flag that I ignored!" Denial is powerful, and we are not in control of it. You recognized the flags and acted on them as quickly as you were able. Forgive yourself. Learn. Grow. Live *your* life. Be happy. Make others happy. And none of us grow without pain...if you caused some, you helped others to grow. *hugs*
I agree with the thought that staying wouldn't cause any less damage in the long run. I knew my heart just wasn't in my relationship anymore and yeah there's collateral damage but that simply can't be avoided. In my split, its only been about 2 months, but I am just trying to do everything I can to be fair and decent. We have children together and keeping things somewhat normal for THEM, that's all I worry about most. I suck as a disciplinarian when it comes to my girls, but I am incredibly close to them all. They've known for the longest time how I feel and they know that the split makes sense and is what's needed. ---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2015 at 02:46 PM ---------- To stay in that kind of relationship, it cheats both parties cuz neither one can ever get the true and honest love that everybody deserves to have. Things hurt now, but it has to get better.
Hi Lovetoski! It's good to see you back on EC. I'm glad to hear you've found some peace but I think you need to be kinder to yourself. You've been through a lot, getting divorced and coming out is a lot for anyone to handle. You shouldn't blame yourself for everything that happened. I know you cheated but it's my understanding that people cheat for a reason, there's often some sort of dysfunction in the relationship. Maybe it wasn't the best thing to do but it lead to something good, you broke up with someone who wasn't a good fit and now you can both move forward and seek out healthier relationships. Try to let it go. Your past is a part of you but it doesn't define you. The important thing is to learn from it.
You learn to forgive yourself when you stop berating yourself. Referring to yourself as a "homewrecker" piles on the guilt and keeps you in a negative place. Don't underestimate the power of language over your feelings. Are you really a "homewrecker"? To answer that question, it's worth pausing to consider what does and doesn't make a home. What is a home to you and did you actually manage to create a home that you (and you alone) were capable of wrecking? Ask yourself.. if you are living a lie and maintaining a false pretence of happy families, does that create the circumstances that make a home? Does a deception (with all of the associated guilt that comes from it) create the circumstances that make a home? I would suggest that it doesn't. It may have felt like you were disrupting and wrecking the home, but was it really a home in the first place? In the long run, I'm sure you would have experienced more guilt and shame from staying than you ever have from leaving. Being true to yourself is part and parcel of acting with integrity and there is no shame in that. Life is not perfect and there will always be some pain along the way, but if we constantly blame ourselves and become fixated on the pain we will end up missing the pleasure that we deserve from life too. It's time to let go of the guilt.
Maybe you should feel guilty. Maybe you have learned that acting impulsively is something you deserve. Maybe you do hurt those around you. Maybe you excuse your own actions by blaming others or labeling them as unworthy of your best actions. Maybe you are boring--just like everyone else. No better. No worse.
