I think I'm bi (maybe pan) but I'm just super confused and really need help

Ok so I posted something similar earlier, but it seems to have disappeared, so I apologize if this appears twice.

I'm a 16 year old girl, and before I start, I just want to ask you please not to judge me. I was a very promiscuous child, and while I have never had anyone express any interest in me, and I have never kissed anyone or had a relationship, I have been reading erotica and being very sexually active (with myself) from a very young age (probably 11 or 12).

I've always been turned on my straight and gay porn, both which involve dicks, so I've always assumed I was straight, because I'm very much attracted to males. Lesbian porn (and vaginas) doesn't disgust me, but it doesn't turn me on either. However, boobs turn me on, and so does the woman's body in general (aside from the vagina...which doesn't repulse me, but doesn't turn me on).

Going back to sixth grade, when I first started reading erotica, I would get turned on by lesbian and straight erotica, but not gay erotica. I don't know why that has changed...but I thought I'd mention it, because it's the only time I can remember from my childhood that involved attraction to girls.

But at the same time, I feel awkward around guys. I can never relate or have a conversation with them, because I just don't know what to say. I'm incredibly introverted - a psychological test revealed that it's depression and social anxiety - and I can only really hold good conversations with friends that I know really well, which are all girls.

Don't get me wrong, I'm awkward around girls that I don't know well either, but I feel much more comfortable talking to girls and all my friends are girls. I have a few friends that I'm so close to that I tell them things I would only tell my therapist, because I trust them that much. I feel much more capable of feeling emotional attachment to girls than to guys.

A few months ago, I had a crush on my best friend. We'd shared so much personal information with each other that we'd just developed an emotional connection, and I just wanted her to view me in a non-platonic way. I wanted to hold her hand, kiss her, cuddle her, etc. But the thing is, the idea of having sex with her didn't turn me on. I would be open to lesbian sex, it doesn't bother me, but at the same time, it doesn't invoke the same response that straight sex does. The other thing is that I never viewed her as attractive before I developed that emotional connection with her.

When I picture it, I can imagine holding hands with a girl or guy, kissing a girl or guy, cuddling and coming home to and spending my life with either a girl or guy. But at the same time, I'm simply not turned on my vaginas or lesbian sex, although I wouldn't be opposed to taking part in it...I'm sure physical stimulation would get me off, regardless of gender.

So I was thinking about possibly being bisexual...because I'm definitely attracted to guys and maybe attracted to girls...and then I found out about pansexuals and got even more confused.

I would have no problem dating someone that is gender fluid, or someone that is a "shemale" (please correct me if that term is politically incorrect or offensive in any manner, it is not my intention for it to be). But at the same time, I'm not interested in any other genderqueer form.

I've also never met anyone that was gender fluid or "shemale" and so I don't know if I'm actually attracted to them in anyway. I've only seen "shemales" in porn...in which case I was attracted to those who looked more feminine, but not to those who looked masculine. But we all know that porn isn't an exact indication of what we like in real life. The only gender fluid person I've seen is Ruby Rose, who is very much attractive, and very feminine, even in her masculine state. So even though I know and accept that she is a male in her male form, sexually, it still feels like she's female (don't take that offensively...female parts + feminine face = body thinks female, regardless of mental knowledge that she is male).

***Disclaimer that I'm only using "she" in reference to Ruby Rose because I know she prefers feminine pronouns.

I came out to 4 really close friends of mine about 2 months ago, hoping that putting a definite label of "bisexual" onto myself would help me remain confident about my label. But even after doing that, I'm super confused. I can't help doubting that maybe I'm not into girls, or maybe I'm into more than just girls and guys...

I have OCD, and I don't know if it's contributed to this, but I get super upset at the idea of not fitting in to a specific label. I get stressed, I sweat a lot, I can't sleep, and I just get super upset in general. I know a lot of people say not to worry about labels, but I can't help just wanting to have one specific word to define myself and my sexuality.

So am I straight? Bisexual? Pansexual? I'm so incredibly confused.

Sorry for the really long post...and I would really appreciate any help in defining my sexuality.

 

Thank's for this...but how can I know if I'm pansexual or bisexual? Gender does play a role for me, and I'm not attracted to all the non-binary genders, so I can't call myself pansexual. At the same time, I am attracted to some of them, so I can't call myself bisexual.

(My personal definition of bisexual is someone that is attracted to both the binary genders while pansexuals are attracted to both binary and non-binary genders. I know some people use the terms interchangeably but I feel like that leaves out a huge group - those attracted to binary genders only.)

 

Thank you so much! I was beginning to think there was so label to describe "in-between-bi-and-pan". Now I just need to figure out my whole attraction to women and I'll be all good

 

Thank you for you advice. I think that's exactly what I'm going to do...even if I'm not 100% positive about my sexual attraction to women, I'm still romantically attracted to them, and it's not as if I would be opposed to having lesbian sex, even if I'm not turned on by it. And thank you for correcting me...just for the future, what is the politically correct term for those with breasts and a penis?

 

I think I would enjoy it. I can definitely imagine myself having lesbian sex and getting turned on by kissing and during. It's just that the image of lesbian sex doesn't turn me on as much as the image of straight or even gay sex.

 

But couldn't it be a trans guy too, if they had bottom surgery before top? I know it's uncommon but it's possible

 

I didn't mean to be offensive - I said breasts and a penis because it doesn't matter to me whether the person identifies as male or female, I'm attracted to both. But while I probably would be open to dating a transman who got top surgery before bottom or a transwoman who got bottom surgery before top, I find the idea of a transgender, male or female, with breasts and a penis to be more attractive. So of course personality would take a role in attraction, as well as their face and features other than their genitalia, but I pointed out genitalia rather than identity because binary gender identity doesn't really matter to me.

Also, can you explain to concept of transmasculine/transfeminine and how it defers from being a more effeminate male or tomboyish female, as well as how it differs from actually being transmale or transfemale? I've always been curious about it but internet definitions are always confusing and tend to overlap with other terms.

 

Of course, I knew that. What I mean was, how does the term transmasculine differ from being a tomboy or being a transmale, and how does the term transfeminine differ from being effeminate or a transwoman? I know what a transmale, tomboy, transwoman, and effeminate guy are.