I've just been going through a lengthy evening of self-reflecting, and I've managed to find lots of explanations for my feelings & behaviour around guys - mostly centering around heteronormativity and deep, deep repression. So I've always behaved instinctively girlier around guys, and also quite confident - I've basically absorbed the attitude/behaviour that a lot of straight women exude (in movies & real life) who act sort of flirty, confident and dismissive around men. I suppose I did this because I knew deep down I wasn't attracted to them in the way that made me feel nervous, self-conscious etc (which I feel around girls) so I adopted this act around men to feel ok about not feeling attracted to them, whilst still feeling *heterosexual*. As such, I find it very difficult to form any genuine bond with any straight guys - I never quite feel myself around them. There's also the pressure that if I were to get close to them, people would think we would start dating, which would make me feel very anxious and pressured. The more I think about this, the more depressed and bitter I feel. Before I sort of wrote off how my sense of self changed around guys to perhaps me accessing a different facet of my self, but now I really feel it's not a genuine part of myself at all, just absorbed behaviour & a self-defence mechanism. This would also explain why I've never felt quite like myself around any male "crushes" I've had in the past. It was all absorbed behaviour. Yet it felt so freeing to be away from myself The same goes for any fantasies I've had about guys during this coming out process (which have increased significantly in the past few years). During these fantasies, I will always feel like this "version" of myself, and I will feel turned on (physically) for that version of myself - this goes for any romantic feelings too. It's weird how I can feel things in such a roundabout/empathetic way. The trouble is, this has made accepting my feelings for girls ever harder. Everything about them feels too overwhelmingly direct and to the core, the thought of it hits me like a punch to the gut, and I still can't stop myself from feelings depressed from the piercing certainty of it, and also the feeling of inevitability. Like the game is up. Yet even now, if my male "crush" messages/texts me, I get an automated trigger response that is so akin to how I would feel if a genuine female crush spoke to me: heart beating faster, a feeling of elation/trepidation etc, yet it's all abstract and rootless. But the feeling is so much better because of it - so much lighter. Even though I know these feelings aren't based off anything in reality, I can't help but let them happen - it's much easier than training myself to think rationally, and allow myself to feel the crushing disappointment of it not being real. Sorry this is very long and rambly, but every time I make these revelations it feels like one step forward, two steps back. It makes me realise just how deep I am in the closet, and how much further I've got to go before I make it out. :icon_sad:
I was in your shoes when I was in high school/early college. The question you need to think about is "what do you really want for the future?" If you see yourself ending up with a guy because you are so deeply immersed in this mask you've been wearing that it will be too difficult to take it off, than just keep doing what you're doing. But if you see yourself coming out (albeit very, very slowly, but steadily) than you should work towards that, in whatever way you know how. Like first, you can let yourself fantasize about being with girls or actually feel those real feelings for someone, (you don't have to do anything about them like going and talking to her or whatever) but it's important that that step takes place. This process could slowly help you accept your real feelings. Hope this helped, and best of luck!
Thanks for your reply. Honestly, I've never been able to see myself with a guy - not even when I was very young, before I knew what relationships entailed. What I'm worried about is developing feelings while in that masked state - I have felt it happen slightly before, but it feels at odds with how I feel the rest of the time. I'll admit there is something about masculinity that I do find alluring (in a strong, protective sense) but I'm pretty sure this too is socially conditioned. But I don't think I could have a relationship with a man without these doubts continuing to resurface and cause me distress. If anyone were to ask me about my "boyfriend" I know I would feel so disingenuous, even if I did experience some feelings while around him. Even talking about guys in a sense of like, pointing out attractiveness or whatever feels surreal and out-of-character for me. I feel like my only choice really is to come out but I've been going through this process for over 3 years now, and it's not getting any easier. Pretty much ever since the first moment I experienced some same-sex desire, the feeling was mingled with so much negativity (shame, fear, some other feelings I don't have a name for) that I think it's going to take forever to detach those feelings, and experience attraction in a normal, contented way. I have been trying to do this for a long time by imagining meeting a girl I feel an attraction towards and allowing those feelings to grow, but I just end up feeling heavy & suffocated. It doesn't help that I think I have a very specific type, that I only come across once in a blue moon!
