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Is labeling myself important to others?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by go figure, Aug 29, 2015.

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  1. go figure

    go figure
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    OK so this may come out as sounding weird and maybe confusing,I'm not sure but here it goes....

    So I came out to my husband almost 3 weeks ago now and he's been very supportive as I've said in a different post, but he obviously has some questions. Some of them I can answer and some kind of leave me scratching my head. We are really trying hard to be completely honest with each other no matter how much it may hurt the other. At times it's hard but it's also been very therapeutic.

    So anyways yesterday we were having one of our talks and he asks me what type of lesbians I am. I didn't know what he meant, so I didn't really know how to respond other than with "the gay kind...?". But he explained further wanting to know if I related with the more butch or femme or whatever else kinds there are....

    I understand that his question while to me seems weird, but to him he's probably just trying to make sense of all the changes happening in our lives. And by putting me in a box with a label is probably a coping mechanism. Or just a way to make it easier for him to come to terms with, it left me kind of uncomfortable.

    I've never really been much of a follower, even in school I was the type that could talk to all the different cliques and not get a hard time for it. I kind of always just looked at people as individuals as apposed to the group they assigned themselves to. I don't feel like I fit into any of the pre-made stereotypical boxes. And I'm OK with that.

    I'm just feeling a bit bothered by it and that got me thinking

    1) how do I perceive myself?
    2) how will others perceive me going forward in my new life?
    3) is it important?

    I just see me as me, only one thing has changed.
    I don't know how other people will see me, and as a adult and a mother I never cared what people though before (with the exception of my babies). And why the hell should I care now.

    The last one though I'm unsure about. Are labels important. And by important, I don't mean for me finding myself now. I don't need a label to feel or learn to feel
    Comfortable and accepting of myself. But do others around you need that? Am I going to go from being a 'friend" in my straight friends head to their "gay friend' now? Like I said I don't think itwill be done viciously on my loved ones behalfs, but still are labels a coping mechanism or are they truly important for people to feel accepted?

    Anyways the conversation left me feeling awkward, and wanting to cry that I'm still me. :bang:

    Thanks for listening!! :thumbsup:
     
    #1 go figure, Aug 29, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2015
  2. Tightrope

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    Labeling yourself seems to be more important to others than it is to most people themselves. That's because others are trying to understand and categorize you on the fly, which is essentially basic human nature, while you and those who care about you are trying to understand you on a more comprehensive level. The important thing is that you are working on understanding yourself and asking yourself questions, and it sounds like you are.
     
    #2 Tightrope, Aug 30, 2015
  3. skiff

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    A) I am me
    B) Labels are for the mentally lazy
    C) What kind of straight are you? (rhetorical)
     
    #3 skiff, Aug 30, 2015
  4. identity

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?


    Are you talking about others labeling others being lazy?

    I originally felt like you meant it's us being lazy finding labels for ourselves, which I don't think is lazy, but if it's others labeling us, which I just realized, well maybe, they don't bother thinking about it more and just hit you with a label.
     
    #4 identity, Aug 30, 2015
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  5. ebda30

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    [GVIDEO][/GVIDEO]

    Thank you for this post!! I joined this site wanting to know a lot of what your post says, but not being able to articulate nearly as easily as you have, here. I'm very confused with the labels and why thru are necessary.

    My husband apologized for my being "confused" when I told him I feel I fall under the genderqueer umbrella. I'm not confused by how I feel, in a way, so that hurt. Bit am confused about what I am and this being a "thing" and not just who iam.

    I am sure that makes no sense, I suck with words. But I appreciate your thread, I've been with my husband for 13yrs and we have 4kids, so treading these waters has.left me with a lot of questions abput labels and "coming out"
     
    #5 ebda30, Aug 30, 2015
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  6. Faazi

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    Speaking for myself I think labels are just for those who need to understand things from limited boxes. It is how they understand most of the world around them.

    My own gender identity is sometimes more male, sometimes more female and other times just androgynous. My sexuality is less fluid in that I have, 99% of the times, only been sexually attracted to women. The types of women I have been attracted to has been more about an intelligent and open mind rather than a physical type.

    So, the way I see life is that we are fluid creatures that, hopefully, are always looking to find our better selves, constantly questioning and changing. There are a number of labels that I could attach to my past self that have changed considerably over the years and this also applies to my gender identity and the types and kinds of women I have been attracted to as I have journeyed through life.

    For me I have found labelling unhelpful and not what we humans are about.
     
    #6 Faazi, Aug 30, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2015
  7. skiff

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    There is a word in psychology for it... Labeling or pigeon holing saves time. Assign pigeon hole and attach current social construct or morae... Bingo. Job done no thinking.

    Imagine if people had to think;
    https://youtu.be/6EQOghcRedY

    Rhetorical...

    Do you think organized religion wants thinking questions or pigeon hole compliance?

    Doubly rhetorical.

    ---------- Post added 30th Aug 2015 at 11:56 AM ----------

    People who dislike you without taking time to know you...

    If you hide yourself so others never know you...

    Both good reasons to walk those miles in others moccasins and developing strong empathy and not assuming you know.
     
    #7 skiff, Aug 30, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2015
  8. go figure

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    It was definitely a hard conversation, but next time someone asks me that I am definitely coming back with "what kind of straight are you?" That is priceless!! Thank you.

    Ebda30 I've been with my husband 13 yrs and 3 kids, I totally understand where your coming from. It's heartbreaking hearing them try to apologize and comfort you, and them not realizing that even though the intent is good the delivery sucked. Hearing those things from my husband, even though I'm sure he didn't mean them the way they sounded, felt like a slap to may face. Like all these years were boiled down to just this one little label, and that was what I am going to be in his mind from now on.

    I admit with everything I have going on and everything I am allowing myself to really feel now, has made me a bit....OK a lot on the sensitive side. But it still just felt wrong and just made me sad.

    I'm glad it helped you too though. (!) If you ever want to chat, I think there's a pm system on this sight. I've only been on here for about 4 days so I'm still learning. But it would be great to talk to another wife/mother going through a similar situation:thumbsup:
     
    #8 go figure, Aug 30, 2015
  9. ebda30

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    I would love to chat! Would indeed be very nice to talk to someone going thru similar, we cannot message privstely until we are full members, i think :/
     
    #9 ebda30, Aug 30, 2015
  10. go figure

    go figure
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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    :eek: Oh right there's some kind of waiting period:***:
     
    #10 go figure, Aug 30, 2015
  11. Thelyingleo

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    I was with my ex for 13 yrs and three kids as well lol... he was/is also very supportive, although he never asked me that. That question usually comes from others who don't know me very well. It's frustrating, from looks I appear more femme, but that's where the 'girly' stops. It's hard when I am asked on dating sites, meetup sites, etc to define myself, because I don't think that I fit into a box.
     
    #11 Thelyingleo, Aug 30, 2015
  12. go figure

    go figure
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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    It must be the 13th year of marriage or something. :roflmao:

    As a kid I was kind of tomboyish. But not to an extreme extent. Now though I'm kind of like you said girly in some ways but mostly not. I wear makeup but not dresses unless it's to a wedding or funeral. I do have a lot of more traditional masculine qualities, but as a mother I think you pick up the attitude that if somethings got to get done, you do it. Whether that's yard work or cleaning the snow of the top of the house, to vacuuming or dishes. Over the years I've come to enjoy the more physical jobs around the house as apposed to the more mundane.

    I think now my husband is just trying to look over our history to see if maybe he missed a clue. And in his mind maybe that was a clue. He's not close minded by any means, but I do think he's trying hard to rationalize and come to terms with our new place in life.
     
    #12 go figure, Aug 31, 2015
  13. bi2me

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    I guess that makes me a year ahead of the curve! I realize I was bi last year, during our 12th year :wink:
     
    #13 bi2me, Aug 31, 2015
  14. go figure

    go figure
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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    (!) Overachiever!!:roflmao:
     
    #14 go figure, Aug 31, 2015
  15. BidiKlum

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    Ha, and I'm the underachiever - at 14 years. LOL!!!
     
    #15 BidiKlum, Aug 31, 2015
  16. go figure

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    :roflmao:
    You could just say 13yrs 11 months and no one will question it. At least I won't. :grin:
     
    #16 go figure, Aug 31, 2015
  17. ebda30

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    I was really tomboy as a child, so,much so that people would ask whether I waa a boy or a girl. Doesn't happen new, I think I have a very feminine face. I don't wear make up or any of that kind of girl upkeep. I alao prefer the more physical jobs, im a sahm with a hubs that works a lot so I usually do it all anyway :slight_smile:

    Mt husband told me last night he was scared I was going to get curious and leave him. (we have no plans to separate) told him there was no curiosity there, I've already done the "experimenting."he said he knew I had been dropping "clues" but he disnt take them seriously. My hubs said its a lot to take in, mostly tje genderqueer part hes having a hard time.with. He says hes fully supportive tho.

    Have you thought about what or if/when you'd tell your kids, etc?
     
    #17 ebda30, Aug 31, 2015
  18. go figure

    go figure
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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    I haven't thought to much about telling them until I'm more clear on everything myself. The first time I told my husband I was gay, was the first time I had ever said the words aloud. I had never even said it to myself. I always thought I was just really open minded or maybe bi. Like in my head if I fell in love with a woman I wouldn't say no just because they didn't have a penis and vis versa.

    To realize that that it was all playing out in my head and how much it had been affecting me was mind boggling. I'm not someone who dwells on things and thoughts of women when I was married was not deemed important enough for me to spend much time thinking on. I've only been out 3 weeks now, so I'm still kind of like trying to take everything in still.

    I will tell them at some point but not until I know more about myself. I feel like if I go into talking to them confused, that will only confuse them more. Have you told you kids?
     
    #18 go figure, Aug 31, 2015
  19. ebda30

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    Nope, I haven't, my oldest is almost 10, so they ate all still young. And similar to you, i'm still trying to figure it all out and get comfortable talking out loud about all this. first time I out and explicitly said "i'm bisexual" to my husband was....yesterday. Lol. He's always known my attraction towards women, but I guess didn't think that meant anything? Still trying to work that one over. Especially cause he's completely blurted out in the pasy that he thinks i'm a lesbian. Which, i'm still not sure on that one. I've got some issues with sex, and know that if we did ever divorce I would never want to be with a man again.

    So no, i'm still lost and have no idea what to say ore how to say it and how to handle all this, so the kids get to be in the dark for a while. We think our oldest may be gay. So I kind of feel like an Asshole for not being who I am, when he may or may not be dealing with those things as well. If that makes sense.
     
    #19 ebda30, Aug 31, 2015
  20. go figure

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    Re: Is labelong myself important to others?

    My oldest is 11, and super sensitive and very open minded. But I think this will be the toughest on him.

    I think you're wise trying to figure out for yourself what you want before you tell the kids. It'll be less confusing for all of you that way.
     
    #20 go figure, Aug 31, 2015
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