So... biphobia is real?

I'm not bi, but let me tell you, you are not the only person that has had that happen to them. I've watched it happen a million times. One of my friends in high school was basically bullied out of our GSA club because she was bi and in a relationship with a guy at the time. There's a lot of hatred towards bisexual people because they can "pass" as straight, which I don't understand myself at all. It's not like their attraction to the same gender magically disappears or no longer counts if they're in a relationship with the opposite.

It's good that you can laugh about it though! There's plenty of people out there who don't mind. I certainly wouldn't.

 

Bisexuality in general is viewed as a threat to Sexual Orientation and Identity. Heterosexuals and Homosexuals both have an interest in establishing and maintaining their sexual identity and orientation. There is an interest in their part to establish this not only at the individual level but extends at the collective level (those who are of intimate relation to them i.e. their partner). Heterosexuals and Homosexuals need each other because they seem to reinforce this need to delineate, establish and define Sexuality. Heterosexuals view Homosexuals as the denotation of any term is always dependent on what is exterior to it or simply the opposite of Heterosexuality. Another aspect of this mutual reciprocity is that Heterosexuals need Homosexuals to exorcise them of any possibility of same-sex desires. In simple terms Heterosexuals need Homosexuals.

In this view however Heterosexuals nor Homosexuals don't need bisexuals because they are seen as a threat to stabilization of sexual orientation and identity. Bisexuals make it impossible for heterosexuals to definitively prove their heterosexuality. Bisexuals do not reinforce the need for heterosexuals to exorcise themselves of the possibility of same-sex desires. This leads heterosexuals and to some extent homosexuals to take a different view of bisexuals.

In addition certain stereotypical beliefs regarding Bisexuals still do manifest themselves in the fears of the potential partner. Some view bisexuality as a threat to monogamy. In the context of a homosexual relationship they believe that the bisexual man/woman will cheat on them with another of the opposite sex.

 

Sadly, it is a thing! I really don't understand the logic of it. Some gay folks decide you're not gay enough, some straight people decide you're too gay. Bizarre!

Luckily I've never been on the receiving end of any particularly notable biphobia (nothing more than the casual ignorance - "So you're gay/straight now?" depending on who I was going out with, etc). But I've seen it directed at other people and I really, really can't wrap my head around it.

I once had a straight friend message me in a state of absurdly high distress because her boyfriend had come out to her as bi. She was immediately consumed with a certainty that he was going to cheat! I've seen someone insist that bi people have an obligation to come out to their partners so their partners are essentially 'warned' that they're going out with someone 'riskier' to date.

Don't get me wrong, I understand where they're pulling their warped logic from. "Oh, they are capable of attraction to more than just my gender, that means more people they could be unfaithful with!" But...someone who's going to cheat is gonna cheat anyway. If you trusted them and weren't afraid of them cheating before they came out, what's changed? I just don't understand how anyone can unironically think to themself that bi folks are more likely to cheat.

And don't get me started on biphobia from the gay community and the idea that bi people are Schroedinger's Monosexual and aren't part of the community unless they're actively involved with someone of the same gender. You'd think gay folks'd know better.

 

This has been a big part of why I've kept my bisexuality a secret to almost all, i've been in a hetero relationship for 13yrs, I've always felt i've had place our it would be seen very badly since I pass as hetero/straight.

The first thing my husband said when I told him, was tjat he qas worried I was going to cheat.or leave.him for a girl. As if my bisexuality removes my feelings for him

 

I hope this isn't what qualifies as biphobia. It's my opinion that a person has the right to reject someone as a potential sexual or romantic partner for whatever reason they want. A person gets to choose whether they want to date someone of the same sexuality or outside their sexuality. This prerogative extends to race, religion, age, political affiliations, personality, or any of the most superficial physical qualities. For example, if a person wants to date exclusively within/outside their race, I don't think it's fair to label that person a racist. Or if a person prefers not to date foreigners, I don't think it's fair to label that person a xenophobe.

Like it or not, we all discriminate when it comes to dating. Have you ever rejected someone because of their age? Was that ageism, or do you think you would have more in common with someone of the same generation as you? Would you reject someone because of their looks? Would you reject someone if they were very religious or politically conservative? Would you reject someone if they had a physical or psychological disability or needed round the clock care? Is that ableism? Real oppression happens when people are denied their basic human rights; when they are verbally or physically harassed, bullied or assaulted; when they are refused service or employment; when a group of people are treated as less than.

Discrimination in dating is not the same as hanging a sign outside a bakery that says "No [insert group here] allowed". Dating is not a business, and rejection on a dating app is not a refusal of an owed service. Dating is personal, and no one is required to be an equal-opportunity dater. At the very fundamental level of dating, we discriminate on the basis of sex. But personal preferences for subtypes within each sex cause us to discriminate even further, causing only a much smaller fraction of the general population to be seen as potential partners. Getting rejected on a dating app is not, in my mind, an example of oppression. And I think inflammatory words such as biphobia, homophobia, racism, bigotry, xenophobia, are diluted when they are used to describe something like this.

 

Discrimination is not the act of choosing one individual or a certain type of individual over another. Discrimination is the act offering different consideration for certain human beings not simply for their qualities, but for the perceived notions that we have internalized about those qualities.

Choosing a candidate of adequate education over a candidate without is not a form of job discrimination because the decision that is being made is based on a quality of value, rather than an assume quality. Automatically passing on the application of an applicant with an urban name because we inherently assume that person to be incompetent and uneducated is a clear form of job discrimination. You cannot have discrimination without stereotypes and social bias.

When it comes to discrimination based on physical appearance, we know that statistically most strong preference are birthed from social bias and influence, but there is a select percentage of individuals who preferences can truly be based in true innocent preference. This, however, is only the case because physical appearance is something that exists physically. Physical appearance is something that exists in our world outside of social constructs. It is something that we see around us and will form opinions on regardless of whether we positively or negatively influenced.

This is not the case when considering social identities: nationality, ethnicity, sexuality, etc. Refusal to date foreigners is absolutely xenophobic. Not simply because of the obvious assumption that one would not be capable of finding satisfaction with a member of another nation, but primarily because of the central assumption that a geographic "foreigner" must hold foreign ideals of culture and morality. The assumption that those who exist beyond your nation's walls will automatically hold different values and outlooks on the world might not have been an ignorant assumption in the middle ages, but it certainly would be in the modern world.

You have no basis to assume that people of other nationalities or ethnicities will be unable to connect with you on a cultural, political, or social level. Likewise don't we have any basis to assume that the satisfaction that we would experience from forming a bond with a bisexual person would be any different than that which we could form with another homosexual person. The only arguments that we could make are based on preconceived notions and assumptions that we could make about the characters of those people rather than true fundamental differences; therefore, we are acting purely on bias and committing the act of unjust discrimination.

 

Let's be clear on what is meant by the word 'discriminate'. To 'discriminate' means to differentiate between two or more things. You're referring to the alternate definition wherein the discrimination is done with prejudice. So, as I said, we all discriminate when it comes to choosing a sexual/romantic partner. The question is whether or not that discrimination should be seen as unjust, and therefore, whether we should be slapping labels such as racism, xenophobia, bigotry, etc onto these discriminations.

Yes, and an employer should rightly discriminate between applicants on the basis of education, work history, and communication skills because these are the qualities that carry actual merit. Other qualities such as race, religion, gender, and sexuality should not be considered here because there is no connection between these traits and an individual's aptitude. To supply a perceived connection (via stereotyping) is to discriminate with prejudice.

Whenever we talk about discrimination (unjust discrimination, that is), we most often do so in the context of employment, livelihood, civil rights, and quality of life. In this context, characteristics such as race, religion, sexual orientation, sex, gender, nationality, language, age, disability, and height should not matter. And because this is the most common line of thought, the idea exists that if we ever discriminate based on the previously mentioned characteristics (these protected characteristics), then the discrimination must be prejudiced. Discrimination based on race is racism; discrimination based on nationality is xenophobia; discrimination based on age is ageism; etc. The -isms and -phobias imply that a prejudice exists. But this is not always the case.

Let's change the context. Let's talk about discrimination, but instead of talking about employment and civil rights, let's talk about dating and relationships. And now let's look back on our list of protected characteristics. Well, right off the bat we can see that some of them require discrimination. Certainly, when choosing a partner, people are going to discriminate on the basis of sex, gender, and sexual orientation. They have to, because these qualities are important and carry merit. They weren't relevant when we were talking about employment or civil rights, but for dating and relationships they became relevant. What about the other characteristics on the list? Race? Yes. Religion? Yes. Nationality? Yes. Age? Yes. Height? Yes. They can all be relevant and I'll give examples.

For instance, suppose a man immigrates to the United States from Greece. He wants to start a family in the US, but he wants his wife to also be from Greece. His reason is that his Greek heritage is very important to him and he wants to pass that onto his kids. For that to happen, he feels that Greek must be spoken in the home. In this example, the man is discriminating potential romantic partners on the basis of race, language, and nationality. But should he be labeled a racist and a xenophobe? Absolutely not. And the reason is simple, because he's not misjudging people based on a stereotype. He's pursuing his ideal partner and his ideal family and nothing else. The prejudice isn't there.

It's not clear where you're going with this argument, but if you're attempting to draw a line in the sand around discrimination based on physical appearance being acceptable and innocent while other forms of discrimination are not, then let me stop you. The argument is doomed to fail, because race is physical appearance; height and weight are physical appearance; age is physical appearance; disability can be physical appearance. Where is the line drawn exactly? You don't specify.

And then there's an additional dilemma. Does a person only consider physical appearance when looking for a romantic/sexual partner? And the answer is a resounding "no". There are so many other things that matter other than physical appearance. Language matters. If you can't communicate with someone, then it's a major barrier to connecting with them emotionally. Do you share common interests? This is a big one and it's why age, locality, and religion all matter.

Refusal to date a foreigner is not inherently xenophobic. If the person has a preference to date someone from their home country, then where's the xenophobia? You see xenophobia in that rejection because you supplied a reason for it that didn't previously exist. But discrimination doesn't necessitate the existence of a prejudice. A person could have a preference for dating a non-foreigner without having a hatred or fear of foreigners. A person could have a preference for six-pack abs without being fat-phobic. A person could have a preference for natural blonds without being racist against East Asians. And so on.

That's not true at all. Of course we have a basis. The basis is that a bisexual person has sexual attraction to the opposite sex. And if it's important to someone that their partner share the same sexual orientation as them, then that's discrimination with respect to sexual orientation, but it's not unfair discrimination. Certainly, a gay person may reject a bisexual for unfair reasons such as thinking that the bisexual is more likely to be unfaithful. But if a gay person prefers a gay partner because a gay partner would better understand what it feels like to grow up gay, then that's a preference not a prejudice. We cannot say that the person who rejects a bisexual for a date holds anything negative against bisexuals or applies any of the stereotypes. We can only do so if we are given a reason. But in the absence of that reason, we shouldn't jump to supply one ourselves.