Struggling with communication

JohnVegas, been there done that! I know how difficult this is for you at this point in time. I am sure you will figure a lot out with your therapist.

From my standpoint, Once I decided to go, I went all out and let the chips fall where they may. The reality is, if you relationship is that difficult, then you may not have better luck with your kids even if you do not tell your wife about your sexuality in the first instance.

So if that is the case, you should consider just letting it all out in one swoop. The ultimate benefit is to get all the cards on the table. And with that, will facilitate the entire process more efficiently.

Look at it from this perspective, assume you simply state you are getting a divorce and you do not explain your sexuality. Chances are your wife will still use the divorce against you. You will then work to repair the damage with your kids and rebuild trust with them. Then once you have rebuilt trust, you hit them with another whammy regarding your sexuality. I would imagine that might have the negative effect of seeing your relationship go backwards with them, and giving your now ex-wife more ammunition to use against you.

I know dealing with it all in one shot seems like a massive mountain to climb, but I would recommend climbing it the first time around, instead of going up one side, then around the front, and then up another side; definitely more risk of injury the longer it takes.

Food for thought.

 

If you've been able to keep it bottled up this long...keep going a little while longer until you're out of the marriage. Why take the risk of her using it against you?

I wish you well my friend.

 

JohnVargas, I feel for you.

I actually think that if you were gay, then making the divorce ABOUT your sexuality _could_ work in your benefit. It's hard to fault someone for needing to have that aspect of their life be whole.

But because you are bi, it's more complicated: that can't be held out as the only reason for the divorce. So I lean more toward Chicagoblue's advice.

No need to give her (or, god forbid, a homophobic judge) more ammo against you when you are seeking custody and/or negotiating alimony.

ALSO, if you are bi but have never had a relationship with a man, it gives you time to explore that side of your sexuality on your own before deciding how and when to come out.

However, I haven't gone through this situation myself, so weigh my advice appropriately!

 

Have you weighed pros and cons? From my perspective, it seems as though you haven't.

Cons of coming out: You could lose the relationship with your wife, kids (right? isn't that what you said?)

Pros of coming out in your situation: literally nothing

 

I would never say there are "no pros to coming out". Having recently split from the mother of my children, after 14+ years, yes there is collateral damage, but I absolutely do not regret it. I feel more alive and am truly caring about myself for the first time in ages. My girls are 10, 12 & 15 and I have always been honest with them about everything. They are all very open minded, tolerant, and strong young women. I'm very fortunate in that regard.
That said, if your kids are very open as you say, then I'm sure above all, they would want to see you happy. I've had the discussions before with my kids and my 12 year old told me how yeah it would suck not seeing me each day, but she would want me happy more than anything.
Either way, good luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

I don't know your life, so take this with a grain of salt, but just a quick note to say that you don't have to put up with letting the wife take the kids. If she's toxic, take em.

IMO kids are much better off with a good father than a crazy mother, even if society and the courts for whatever insane reason don't seem to think so.

 

My ex seems to have it in her head that since she is not a murderer or drug dealer, that she will be handed custody on a silver platter. She kept wanting to tell me before that the kids shouldn't have to choose, they're "too young". Of course she only says that cuz she knows they would never choose her. I know at a certain age that the court will consider the children's view and if they're not heard, you sometimes have grounds for appeal.

 

Best of luck John

 

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

 

Hi John - I participate in a local face-to-face support group for men who are attracted to men but are in (or have been in) a long-term relationship with a woman. In this group, I've met a number of men in your situation. To a person, all of those who have separated are happy and their kids have been very supportive. That's not to say separating is roses and sunshine, it isn't, but the outcomes have been surprisingly positive, especially compared to pre-separation fears.

You might find counseling for yourself to be very helpful. And/or you might benefit from an in-person support group such as they one I attend. You can find a list of them here: Groups for Bi and Gay Married or Formerly Married Men

It's been my observation that kids are aware when their parents are unhappy. They sense it, even when they can't articulate it. If you look up the research on the subject, a large majority of people who had parents who split up when they were kids are glad. They feel their parents' unhappiness was more of a burden to them than the stress of shuttling between two homes.

I've been where you are now and I've progressed from it, although very reluctantly at first. I'm deeply saddened that my marriage didn't work out but I'm also totally at peace with the outcome. I've since decided that relationships work (or don't) on their own timeline and when the time for change arrives, you know it. The hard part is taking action, which is where this forum, a therapist and\or an in-person support group can make all the difference. We're here for you John!

Please let us know what information we can share to help support you - whatever your destiny might be.

 

Well, you know how one kid feels. That's significant.

In my married men's group I've seen a number of guys face the question of whether to come out first or just separate for other reasons. Based on a limited number of situations, the "come out later" group has had the better outcome. By making the issue of your sexuality "the reason" you're pretty much asking that everyone turn their hurt, anger and disappointment toward you. If you look at the state of your marriage as an unbiased third-party, is that fair? If not, why put yourself in that position?

You are unhappy. Your wife knows you are unhappy. You have asked her to open up communication with a professional. She has refused. Does that mean your only remaining option is to implode?

My wife left me for another man. Two years prior to meeting him she told me she was dissatisfied, but I didn't take her very seriously. She was always dissatisfied about everything! In retrospect, I wish I had taken her warning seriously. I wish we had gone to counseling, even if the resolution would have been divorce. Because of that experience, I can put myself in your wife's position. Maybe, like me, she doesn't fully understand (or take seriously) just how unhappy you are. Maybe, like me, if she was given a "counseling or separation" ultimatum, her attitude would entirely change.

Another thing to consider is that, if she absolutely refuses to go to counseling, she is thereby (albeit passive aggressively) opting for separation. Giving her a clear choice puts the responsibility for the success of your relationship on both of you, not just you. In my eyes, that seems much more appropriate than coming out and becoming the family whipping boy.

 

Many divorce attorneys offer a consultation before you retain them. You may want to find and consult with an LGBT divorce attorney and discuss the particulars of divorce and custody in your state and the potential impact of coming out would have on the divorce.

I'd strongly recommend not coming out until you are separated. Divorce is ugly. Adding the dimension of your sexuality only adds fuel to the fire and she'll use this to make your life a living hell while you live together.