First off, I've looked at threads on this website in the past but am very surprised to find myself posting here. I don't mean to offend anyone if I stereotype in this thread. I guess to start, I'm in my senior year of college in New York City. I'm the type of person nobody would never question my sexuality because I seem very straight. Not to sound judgmental but I don't like stereotypical gay things (shopping, things like glee, etc.). I grew up skateboarding from 5th grade through to college. If you could imagine your typical punk skateboarders in high school, that was me. I'm a snowboarder, surfer, and am training for next years golden gloves (boxing). Long story short, I fall very far from someone's stereotypical gay perception. I've had one girlfriend in high school with whom I definitely fell in love with but sex was always very very bad and it felt as if something were missing. I cared about her and she me but she was never able to really get me aroused. It was always a bit awkward for me when we were having sex and I wasn't really enjoying it. It was more of a chore that I felt I was supposed to do rather than something that really excited me. Since we broke up freshman year, I haven't slept with a woman since and it strangely has not bothered me that much. My first memories exploring my sexuality (which I didn't consider exploring at the time) were around 4th grade when I'd have dreams at night and imagine some extravagant story where my lover (at the time, not sexually) was a man. At the time it didn't seem weird to me but something where I'd get excited to go to bed so I could have these fantasies. Nothing really happened from then until sophomore year of college. I started having fantasies about gay guys I knew at school and I would get incredibly angry at myself after indulging in any of those thoughts. Now, the only thing that seems to get me aroused is gay porn. I've never done anything with a man, not even kiss. However, my fantasies and arousal from men seem to be overpowering. All of the arousal seems to come in pulses or waves. One day I feel nothing towards men or women, the next day I might feel a little bit of something towards women, and then the next day I'm flooded with this arousal for men. I'm now comfortable with myself questioning my sexuality and having these fantasies and thoughts but I'm very confused as to whether or not I'm gay, bi, straight. I can definitely adore a beautiful / hot woman but I can't tell if women sexually excite me. I keep going back and forth telling myself that I'm probably gay and then saying I'm probably not. I've definitely had girl crushes but would never be motivated to pursue them. At parties I never have luck with girls, partly because I don't care. And in the past when gay guys hit on me, I would get very uncomfortable. The other day, after boxing, I was getting my stuff together in the locker room and a guy was getting changed a few feet over from me. He got completely naked, must have been 6'3" 215lbs, had an incredibly chiseled body, not too much not too little body hair, still wet from the shower, and was very handsome. It was incredibly difficult for me not to look at him (I kept sneaking glances when he wasn't looking). I kept thinking and imagining what it would be like to hold onto each other and what his skin against my skin would feel like. After typing all of this and putting it all into words for the first time, it probably seems like I'm gay. I'm considering telling a girl friend what I'm going through soon. I can't even begin to imagine telling any of my guy friends since I talk with them about girls the same way as they do, am tougher than most of them, and I think I fit your stereotypical 'bro' personality. I feel very lost since I don't quite understand what I've been feeling and have always had a rough stereotypical image on gay men (even very butch gay men) and I never saw myself fit that spectrum at all. I really just want to be happy being me, whoever 'me' really is. Any advice?
First of all, I know exactly where you're coming from. I too do not fit the stereotypical gay category, and I talked to a lot of my guy friends about girls because it's fun! I've always had thoughts about sex with men, but it never really occurred to me because I never had feelings for guys. Only later did I realize that these feelings were suppressed because of a desire for a woman. You would not know I'm gay unless I told you, and I'm sure you understand where I'm coming from. I've always had an idea of what gay guys were like, but since it was off of stereotypes, I didn't fit it so therefore I "couldn't be gay". I do not identify as bi simply for the reason that emotionally, I am not compatible with woman in a long term relationship. I've been with a girl once, and emotionally it was different compared to guys. For guys it felt WAY stronger and different compared to girls. I care about woman, but not the same way as men, and it took me AGES to figure this out: I need a man in my life, not a woman. I started opening up to the possibility that I was gay by just allowing myself to explore my sexuality and let my emotions go where they wanted to. That girl looks good? OK. That guy looks HOT? OK. I'm very confident to say that I am gay, but it took me 2 years to get to this point, and since everyone is different, you will go at apace that suits you the best. Let time do its magic, you'll make it through. Cheers!
Hi confused Bro, I hope you're doing ok, all things considered. I have read your whole post and I can see how much pain and confusion you have been going through. This is the way I feel about your situation: you are more likely than not partially or totally gay or bi, and very likely not straight: straight guys are very much attracted to women, do not have problems enjoying the bedroom experience with women and certainly do not get aroused by looking at other men, nor do they have fantasies about being with a man. That being said, I can see that you describe yourself as being socially very straight, very stereotypically masculine, and just a typical guy, a "bro". You also seem to feel very uncomfortable with the gay scene and the gay life style in general: that is not you, you just don't associate with gay men, not even the masculine ones (your own words). That is ok, there is nothing wrong with that. There is no rule that says that a guy who is sexually attracted to men has to embrace a gay life style, go to gay bars, march in the local pride, etc. I am attracted to men and I am not a fan of the gay scene, either, I totally see what you are saying. I have nothing against gay men, some are my friends, but I am not sure I would like to be part of that world. I would also prefer not to date a stereotypically gay guy, I would prefer a "normal" looking and acting man to be my side. That being said, there are many gay men, many men who are attracted to men, who would never come across as gay: they do not wear flamboyant apparel, they are not feminine, nor do they show any stereotypical gay trait. They are just, very "normal", straight acting and looking guys who happen to be attracted to men instead of women. That is really what it is all about: being a man attracted to other men. Being attracted to men has nothing to do with a particular societal appearance. I am attracted to men, but I do I look like a stereotypical gay man to you? One question, but I think I know the answer: going out with a guy and introducing him to your friends as your partner, would never happen, would it? One more question: have you done any internet research about straight guys on the down low? If you can't see yourself being romantically involved with a guy, that might be a first step, a first solution to test the waters and see if your attraction and fantasies concerning men is real. I hope this help and good luck to you! PS Feel free to write to my wall, if you find it more comfortable
Pretty much you sound exactly like me. I was in my early 20s and completely confused. I played sports, listened to heavy metal, was one of the dudes. I would see gay guys on TV and go "that's so not me, how can I be gay?" I dated girls until my early 20s and sex was something I just wasn't that into. I was always horny like any young dude, but when it came time to doing it with my girlfriend, it seemed she wanted it more than I did. It took me years to really come to terms with this next point, but you can be into guys and still be "one of the dudes." The only thing that makes you gay is being into other guys. That's it. Some gay guys like Momma Mia and shopping, other gay guys like Call of Duty and playing football. It really doesn't matter what your personality is or what your hobbies are... Are you into dudes? Every indication from.you I get is you are. Anyways I've gotta run but if you want to chat more, write me on my wall. I've been in your shoes and it wasn't that long ago. I get what you're going through. I'm the meantime, take a look around this site (especially this sub forum) there are a lot of guys just like yourself.
As others have said, gay men come in all different types and a significant number don't fit the stereotype. Living in NYC, there are an enormous number of resources you might look into, including quite a lot that might be more comfortable for you. After a bit of googling, I turned up that NYC has: A gay rugby team: Gotham Knights Actually probably more than one team given the sheer number of people in NYC. But you get the idea. With a bit of online research (or possibly by contacting your local LGBT community center), I wouldn't be surprised if you can also find other LGBT sports teams and leagues. Flag football, softball, and ice hockey all have LGBT teams/leagues in various places, and NYC is probably one of them. Martial arts too, probably if you wanted to get into that. A gay men's boxing gym/program A huge number of Meetup.com groups, some of which may cover things you are interested in. You might also look online for the group known as GayBros and see if they have a chapter in your area. Finally, and as mentioned above, your local LGBT center might have all kinds of resources and groups and information that you might find helpful. And as others have said, EC is a great place to just talk and share thoughts. Hope this helps, Todd
Tbh I think you should stop thinking about the stereotype that fit those labels or even try to label yourself. It causing nothing more than just confusion. I would look at it in a simple way as in gay is a person that enjoy physically and sexually being with the same sex, bi you enjoy both (not 50%-50% equal), straight you enjoy opposite sex. Being "gay/bi" is not who you are, it's just a small part of you. You are who you are as in you like sport, you like this and that, you enjoy being with the same sex (physically or sexually or both), you like boxing and so on. You should not think of it as something that will change you to fit that "stereotype label." it's also normal from time to time that you have a feeling of confusion and reject the idea of you being gay/bi. It will pop up in your head and you can't really do much about it. The best thing you can do is to look pass it while still knowing who you are. When I said knowing who you are, I mean as in you like men, you like sport and so on, you know, just know yourself. Once you truly accept yourself(as in like men, being with men, having sex with men, are normal) it will stop and never pop up in your head again. Yes it take time but you have to be open mind about it and accept the fact that you like men more than women. One step at a time, when you see hot guys instead of asking yourself "am i gay" or "why" you should just go with your feeling. If you think he is hot just accept it and say "wow he is hot, I wanna do him" in your head instead of "why am I feeling this way?" Try your best to see that being with the same sex is normal and labels are meaningless. it will help you see things more clearly and less judgmental about who you really are. That is also why people like to tell a person who is still confusing about his or her sexuality to get involve with LGBT community, not because it will turn s/he gay but it will help that person see that being LGBT is just a small part of who s/he is and that everyone is different in their own way. It can help him or her see that being gay is normal and that it doesn't really have any stereotype other than the fact that they like the same sex. Humans, they are scare of being different and scare of changes. They want to fit in and don't want their love ones to change or leave them but things always changing. You just have to be open mind about who you are and all the changes that are coming ether it's big or small. Learn to be strong by yourself (physically and mentally), depend on yourself (physically and mentally), be happy with yourself, know and accept what make you "you." You will be like a strong pole that no matter what is coming your way, you will not bent or break, in fact you will have a lot of people want to be near you and love you because you are strong and they can lean on you.
I can relate to what your going through. If it makes you feel better, there are probably tons of people who are confused about their sexuality. I recently looked at a video on Youtube and saw several comments of kids who were confused about their sexuality. I live in Maryland, which is a fairly tolerant state. But I'm only out to a few people. I've felt different since I was 11. Just like you, I've dealt with confusion about my sexuality. As of today, I am still questioning my sexual orientation. I identify as questioning. I'm confused about my sexuality. I think I could be bisexual. I'm 19 and I go to a community college. I am a little similar to you. I carry myself with a masculine demeanor, even though I am shy (and kinda timid?). It is tough to deal with this issue. But the only thing you can do is maintain a positive attitude. There are probably LGBT resources where you're located. In terms of your story, it sounds like you could be bisexual. But then, it sounds like you are completely. Then, it sounds like you are mostly gay but slightly straight. But you are just struggling with something that many people are going through. It is normal to struggle wit this. It is perfectly okay to not know who you are.
Hey man, I'm in exactly the same boat as you. None of my friends have any idea that I'm gay. It took me a long time to finally admit it to myself and since then there's been a lot of emotional anguish. Most of the time I feel angry, but sometimes I feel so upset I can't hold the tears back. It's been about 8 months since I finally said the words 'I am gay' out loud to myself and I think I'm finally getting to the point where I'm ok with it and want to start getting out there and meeting other guys with the potential of getting into a relationship. All my mates have/have had girlfriends and I've always played it off and pretended I don't want to get into a relationship. My mates are all going to be shocked when I tell them. Like you I talk to them all the time about girls and I'm really worried about how they're going to react. I have a really tight group of mates and everything is exactly the way I want it right now and I'm so worried that it's all going to fall apart when I tell them. All I can say is that eventually you will get to the point where you are tired of keeping this a secret and you will want to tell those you care about. It sounds like you're almost ready to do that now. All the best and I'm sure those who really care about you won't have a problem with it at all.
And if you like surfing... try watching the 2007 film, 'Shelter', which is a love story between 2 pretty masculine gay guys, and there's a lot of surfing . It got great reviews, awards etc. Watching something like that might help you to sort of normalise what you're feeling.
