Hello my name is Alex and I desperately need advice! For the last 4 years or so this voice in my head has been telling me that I am gay. The voice tells me that I sound gay, the action that I just did was what a gay person would do, it tells me that past events that happened in my life happened because I was gay and just need to come out to my family already. However, I am confused. All my life I have never been attracted to a male at least I dont think. At school I was never attracted to another boy and only had one girlfriend. We never had sex because in the back of my head I was thinking to myself "do you enjoy this?" "You are gay why are you with her etc etc" We eventually had sex later this year though after breaking up and then getting back together again and I did enjoy it - I loved touching her and I love her breasts. The girl I like sexted me last night, I got an erection and sent her stuff too, yet this voice creeps back into my head and starts telling me "im gay why are you doing this?" I have never had an erection from looking at a man before or seeing another man's genitals and I dont see myself hooking up with a guy in the future. But this voice is making me question everything! Like am I just gay in denial and im so deep in the closest I could visit narnia? I would feel silly 'coming out to my family telling them I was gay' because I still would get turned on by looking at boobs and this voice would just appear again. Like I have said to myself out loud "I am gay" to try and shut the voice up but even then after about half an hour or so the voice appears back in my head telling me that "you are gay" again. I just dont know anymore! I watch straight porn and focus on the girl and sure enough shortly after the voice will appear again. The voice telling me that im gay doesn't appear every day, sometimes I may not notice it unless I think about it like "Hey that voice hasn't appeared yet" but then after thinking that thought it will appear. I have watched gay porn twice to see if I felt anything and I didn't feel a thing so I just dont know. I would like to get into a relationship with a girl but this voice is holding me back because what If i get with her and then months later I find out im truly gay? Like that would be so unfair on her you know. Can you please help me! Im so confused and I would really appreciate it. Also I just want to make this clear I have nothing against homosexuals - love is love - I just really want to know what these thoughts mean!!
Hi, I'm not hearing anything that indicates any actual attraction to guys. I am hearing a lot of anxiety, so what may be going on is some issue on the anxiety spectrum that's basically causing you to obsess over whether or not you're gay. One suggestion I often make is spending a week or two masturbating without porn and letting your mind wander... and observing the fantasies your mind creates, and which ones are more exciting and arousing to you. Or you could focus specifically on thinking about girls, and then, in another session, about guys, and see which is more exciting to you. That's often the most reliable way to get a good idea. If these thoughts persist, you will want to talk to a therapist about them, as you should not be experiencing this constantly.
Hey Chip! Thanks for your reply! I personally believe it to be some form of anxious behaviour aswell but I wasn't sure if I was just making excuses etc you know. I hear someone say a phrase like "come out of your bedroom dinner is ready" and because in my head these thoughts go off every now and again hearing "coming out" freaks me out and I think its all just down to me overthinking things and freaking myself out because as I said I just dont see myself ending up with a guy. Like I often think what would a gay person think when I have these thoughts if that makes sense. Like do homosexual males ever feel a strong desirre to touch womans breasts and get errections from thinking about girls? Because I do yet this voice telling me im gay will still appear in my head.
I agree with Chip, you do not sound gay at all from what you have said. I'd be curious to know where all of this anxiety over your orientation stems from though. To answer your last question, as a gay guy, I do not have any desire whatsoever to touch or look at women's breasts and I definitely do not get an erection from thinking about girls, lol.
Hi Alex, I have been in a very similar situation over the past year. It started when my best friend came out as gay and strongly inferred that I was as well. Since then I have been really paranoid that everyone assumes that I am gay, constantly checking myself to see if I am acting/sounding gay and overanalysing every aspect and moment of my past looking for any evidence to support the idea of me being gay. In accordance to what you are saying I have never been attracted to the male form or another guy in any way. I was in a relationship with my ex-girlfriend for 4 years and we enjoyed a healthy and regular sex life, but still the obsessive thought comes back in to my head and I question myself. I am still very attracted to girls and their bodies, exclusively finding myself aroused to straight fantasies and porn. Though the thought is constantly in the back of my head 'but what if?' Again, similar to yourself I have wanted to pursue a relationship with another girl but have not as I am afraid that I will discover that I am gay and will hurt her in the process. Just letting you know that you are not alone in this. I think it may have something to do with anxiety as I am not the most self confident person and am anxious in certain social situations. I would agree with Chip that it may be a good idea to talk to a therapist. I wish that I had taken the step to talk to someone a long time ago as this issue has really affected my studies and personal relationships this year.
