I'm more than sure that you guys (or, anybody who has paid attention) knows that I've been stuck in a lot of ways for almost a year now. Stuck in a damaged relationship and really allowing indecision to be my decisions. It's not a question of gay or not anymore, I feel past figuring that out and already know what I would do if my female partner and I break up (date men, which would be a challenge in its own right for various reasons but I digress) but that doesn't mean that I don't love her and in many ways still want to be with her. Yes, I fully admit to not wanting to give up sex with men on the side right now, especially when our sex life is so out of whack, and many of you might say that's more than reason enough to end things, but I really don't feel it's that simple. But... At the moment, there's two major potential things happening in my life that could really throw everything to the wind and hit reset to my life. A whole lot of rolling the dice. First off, my job is currently in a financial hole. In the next week or so, the organization will be offering buyout packages to anybody who wants it. Now, this isn't the kind of money that means I'd be set for very long. Heck, arguably, I should really aim to find a new job before even deciding if I would take this package. But it's a unique thing to have on the table. I'm not exactly in love with my job. It's a gig and it pays well, and the benefits are great, but it's not my dream job and I've been waiting years for a promotion that probably isn't ever coming (I mean, they're clearly not looking to pay people MORE right now, when we're millions of dollars in the red) so this is a pretty rare chance to force myself to make a major life change and get a decent amount of money out of it. Cause I could leave anytime, sure, but not with the company handing me like 30k (before taxes, sadly) to do it. I've started to network and apply for some new jobs. The one thing I know is I don't want to give myself time off. I don't want to spend any of that buyout money that I don't need to. But let's face it too, when an organization starts offering to buy people out, it's often not a good thing. And what if I don't take it and in a year or less they start just cutting people and I somehow end up on that chopping block (I don't actually think I would, as I work in a pretty essential department and have basically become our video editor, unofficial in title and pay as that may be). Like I said, I have to at least consider it. I'm 32 and chances to make a big change like this don't come every day. The other thing that has come up is a potential apartment being available to me. One of my best friends' family members rents out apartments in her three family home. One of the apartments is about to be available. It's a two bedroom for the low low price of $1350 a month (this is NYC, that's legit a steal). I actually almost moved into this place four years ago when my ex girlfriend broke up with me, but she needed a place to move too so I ended up letting her take it with her eventual new boyfriend. They're now moving out. If I want this apartment, it's totally mine. I even have roommates at the ready to move in with in the form of my best friend and his boyfriend. They're also kind of my FWBs, so there's that. The thing is, getting an apartment in general will never be the easiest thing for me to do. My credit, while I am working on repairing it, isn't great. And while I do have a cosigner if I ever need it, it would be nice to not need that. Since I'm a friend of the family, there'd be no credit check. Like I said, it's a situation where I could literally just say I want it and it's mine. But if I were to choose this...it pretty much means breaking up with my female partner. There's no real scenario where we would stay together if I was moving into my own place. It's one thing when I'm staying at her family's extra apartment and we are seeing each other every single day. That's the hard decision. Because I really just don't know that I'm ready to throw in the towel. We have good stretches and then bad days. We fight and it hurts, but we also have fun and when she's relaxed it feels nice. But we also still have a lot of the same old problems and I can't always tell if they're getting better or worse. I still love her so very much, though when we do have fights, I feel a lot more "done" now than I used to. But it still doesn't always last as a feeling. I know the whole mantra of regretting the things you didn't do, not the things you did. It's part of why I have to really think about these two things. Nothing bad happens if I don't do them, things just stay status quo and nothing particularly changes. But if I were to embrace one or both of these things, it would be quite the change. Not positive or negative, just a gamble. The truth is, by June 1, I could be single, living in a new place with my friends, and looking for or starting a new job. That's scary and exciting. And for somebody who doesn't like change at all, I'm just not sure what to do.
This might sound a bit off the wall, but I truly believe we are all essentially living life on a river. Somethings we ride the river in the direction for which the river flows, and sometimes we try and go against the flow of the river which leads to heading in the wrong direction. With this, life has a way of throwing signals at us. It is for each person to interpret the signals and apply them to the direction their life is taking. I personally have found that when I fought the path being laid out for me based on these signals, I was not happy. Having now followed the direction of the flowing water on my own journey and following the signals being thrown at me, I find myself in a place of contentment. Again, I know this all sounds a bit spiritual and what not, but it seems to have worked for me. Following your posts, all I have read is how much up stream you have kept on trying to swim. Maybe its time for you to follow the direction the river is trying to take you and see where you get.
Do it. But find other roommates! don't move in with your FWBs no way that's fucking crazy. Ps I only mean move---I can't give u career advice although starting off with ~25K after taxes isn't a bad way to be unemployed if you can't find something immediately.
For what it's worth: When one partner determines the mood in the home, this is not a viable long-term relationship (lived with THAT for way too long). That "done" feeling doesn't last because you are returning to the comfort of familiarity, there is comfort in not changing, you are being honest enough by telling us you don't like change. Fact is, change only happens when the status quo is no longer tenable, or when you learn about what loving and equitable relationships could be. Being in a relationship involves some work, yes, but it should not only be about work, it should generally be a pleasant experience, it should be easy to work out issues with mutual respect and a willingness to listen. If old problems are not getting resolved in any satisfying way, you have a decision to make, and yes, this is a unique opportunity to make it.
I agree with pretty much all of the responses here. COS, this will give you the chance to experience life outside of your relationship, where you can breathe a bit and try to be yourself. I think you should go for it.
I just wanted to add another important point. Not ALL problems in relationships need to be resolved, that's what loving a real breathing human being is about, there will be disagreements that will persist, sometimes for decades. Living with and loving someone sometimes means living with that tension, but loving anyway. It's a matter of boundaries, of what is and isn't negotiable. Too many couples think that all problems need resolution, but this can be a very potent source of conflict and if pushed too far, could end the relationship. It is far better to establish from the get-go what is and isn't acceptable, with further refinements down the line as life situations change. The other point is that ending a relationship should always be an option, there are things that do not have to be lived with, it's as simple (and as difficult) as that.
I'm not a particularly spiritual person, but I believe that the universe does set us on certain courses. That roads are put before us for a reason. That's why I have to really think about both these things seriously. You're right, I try to fight the waves instead of just rolling with them a lot of the time. I'm not even sure that I know how to not do that. ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2016 at 10:38 AM ---------- Well, so, total admission - I help pay for their current place. Part of the benefits, haha. So they'd pretty much have to move with me. Unless I ended that arrangement, which I don't want to do right now. ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2016 at 10:42 AM ---------- Very thought provoking way to put it. I find myself dealing with a lot of anger lately, especially when things don't go exactly as I want them to. I don't even know that this is a totally new phenomenon for me, but I think my current relationship has exasperated my emotions in that regard. I don't really even know where to begin sometimes with trying to fix us, but the thought of throwing in the towel really frightens me. I just don't know right now. One of my friends said that the sex issues with my relationship are indicative of the issues in my relationship outside of the bedroom too. She's probably right. ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2016 at 10:43 AM ---------- Thank you! So much of it scares me though. Including the thought of losing my partner. I've never broke up with somebody. I just don't know that I can do it. ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2016 at 10:47 AM ---------- My therapist said something similar once. He suggested we both sit down and make lists of things we want, and we could put anything on these lists. Then give it to the other person and they could mark each thing with either YES (meaning they'd do it), NO (meaning they wouldn't and it is non-negotiable) or MAYBE (meaning it can be discussed and compromised on). I suggested we do this when my therapist brought it up and we never did. She doesn't like talking about fixing our problems. On Tuesday when we fought, she literally asked that we stop and plan to discuss again not this Saturday but the Saturday after that. How that is reasonable is beyond me. I do agree that there are things that never get settled, but some big things, like our sex life, really needs work and really can be a deal breaker.
I read something fascinating today, but can't remember where, unfortunately. To paraphrase: In a single moment, I have found in another person the thing that I have spent years waiting and wishing for from the one I am with.
Is this what's really holding you back from living your life? Are you afraid of the guilt from potentially breaking up? Do you not want to have the responsibility on your shoulders? Given how dynamic your relationship has been, that really should not be an issue. And even so, this is your life here, find the courage do make some touch decisions. Life throws challenges at all of us, it's up to us to overcome those challenges. Those that find the courage to do so, have the best opportunity to find satisfaction in life.
It's definitely part of it. Waiting for others to do for me what I'm afraid to do myself. Because if it's not my decision, then it can't be my thing to regret.
It's important to realize that if you initiate this, it will more likely be on your terms, especially given your unique circumstances at this juncture. Realize that this temporary "power" gives you some leverage, in any breakup, this will be useful.
Regret is a temporary emotion to the extent you allow it to only be temporary. As with any loss, it's also part of the healing process. I felt my fair share of regret when I left, but as I healed I learned to forgive myself. Just as well, given where you are in your relationship, your significant other has her fair share of responsibility to take. This diminishes your own regret. Don't let your fear of regret be an impendement.
Oh my god, dude. They are your kept men? I'm not going to even touch the morality of it---you are all consenting adults. (That being said I don't think it's a good idea to mix business and pleasure like that, especially for you, who cannot break it off with anyone apparently?) But. Just practically, if 25K is enough to turn your head, then you do not have enough money to Richard Gere around. Come tell me about the gays you have stashed around the city when you are making a mil a year.
Hi CameOutSwinging! Here are some questions for you that popped up in my mind. I ask them in the kindest way What I read between the lines of your posts is, "In a different, better world, things are so and so... but it's out of reach for me." It's almost as if you say, "I can do that later. I want it, but I can't have it now. There will be more chances later." It sounds like you aim to live this other life later for sure - just not now. But will that really change? Will you truly allow yourself to have that life down the road? It sounds like there are conditions for whether or not you will be allowed (by yourself) to make a change. You often say, "I just don't know." "I just don't know how." "I'm not sure I can do that." It's as if you have the feeling that something is wrong and you need to fix it before you are allowed to change life. But what is it that's wrong? Are you trying to fix something that you don't know what it is? Because that's an impossible task, designed to keep you busy forever. Here, you agree that you do have the feeling of swimming upstream, BUT you just have to. A bit funny, right? So you present yourself with options A and B, and then you say to yourself: "Only option A isn't REALLY an option." Of course feeling like you don't know is going to be the outcome! As long as you're identified with the person who doesn't know, there will be nothing you can do. Being the person who doesn't know is a safe and familiar experience. When you say "I don't know", see what that does for you. Why are you saying it? What kind of feelings and emotions does it trigger in you? And what are the practical consequences of that? I'm thinking this: We don't have to know anything in order to act. We don't even have to "make" a decision. If the part of you who is analyzing the situation and concluding with "I'm not sure" was asleep, what would happen? I find that acting / doing things without thought going "I have absolutely no idea!!" is a very powerful tool. It certainly shakes up the part of us who doesn't know. Which makes sense, as that part of us want to resist change and keep us in the safe and familiar spot we know so well. This doesn't mean you "should" choose a particular option - but that there are really 100 000 options in each single moment if we step outside the idea of who we "are". Wishing you all the best!
:lol: I promise, it's not as "sugar daddy" as it sounds. They're just young and affording their own place entirely on their own is really hard, so I offered to help them out. We were hooking up before that and probably would have continued even without that. I just figured hey I can afford it (I swear I can, haha) and having someplace to hook up that isn't a hotel room kind of saves me money anyway! It's not like NYC hotels are cheap, haha. ---------- Post added 30th Apr 2016 at 02:13 AM ---------- That's really sound advice, thank you for that. I offer one of my friends going through her own relationship questions the same sort of advice. She's stuck in an "I don't know" moment too. Her situation being that her and her boyfriend have dated long distance for four years and either she needs to move to him to take the next step (he refuses to move here) or they need to break up, or keep things as is even though she's tired of long distance. I've told her she should just pick one option, any one, and go with it and own it. Even if that option is to do nothing. But at least choose it. I guess indecision is common, huh? I saw a comedian on NYE and she did this joke about how she met a couple that was married for 60 years. She asked the guy how they've stayed together this long. He responded, "I just never left." I find it hysterical, but man it's so real life. In a way, I think many of the people here who have had the courage to get out of their situations are really brave and strong people. Not just for coming out, but for doing what was right for you to change your life. Because plenty of people, straight or gay or otherwise, just stay stuck and that's it. Of course, my female partner came back from her business trip last night. And while she kind of went out of her way to text me earlier that I shouldn't expect her to want to hang out because she's exhausted - a fair warning, but kind of cold and rubbed me wrong the way she said it...a nice "can we just cuddle and watch tv until I fall asleep?" text would have made me smile. The text I got made me feel like I shouldn't even expect that. But that's what we ended up doing, and she went out of her way to say that she was very happy that I was back at home. And that felt really good.
Hehe. You give great advice! Isn't it funny how we instantly know what advice to give to others, but when it comes to ourselves we're lost... I agree! Staying stuck is kinda cozy except it's not at all. And, um... I agree so much that it really doesn't matter what we choose. Whatever happens we will navigate it, it's just that currently we can't imagine how simply because it's outside of what we know.
So, your living a double life. At some point, wouldn't you think your two lives might get even more complicated than it already is?
From my point of view, and my experience, staying stuck is as cozy as sitting on the proverbial picket fence...with the pointy edges on top...
