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Should I Transition?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ThatRangerGirl, May 4, 2016.

  1. ThatRangerGirl

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    Okay, my basic underlying question here is simply "should I transition/is it worth the risk" but i have a lot of sub questions as well.

    So let's start

    I am a M2F transsexual girl. I strongly and fully connect with the female gender, and barely if at all with the male gender. If there is anything else it would be Agender, but quite frankly i don't think that is there either.

    My confusion starts here, with the commonly asked question "am I trans enough to transition"

    So unlike most trans girls I never wanted to wear dresses as kid, or play with girl toys, or anything like that. I did to an extent do things like want to put on make up, and stuff. I always wanted to paint my nails, and when i was 9-11 i wanted to shave my legs. This is about as much as I did/wanted to do"girl things" when I was that age. I also pretended i was pregnant sometimes (i know that's weird, especially because i identify as lesbian, but hey, I'm weird)

    Also in addition to never having a strong desire to do "girl things' I did, and still do have a strong interest in certain masculine things, such as the military/law enforcement/politics although as i have gotten older I have gained a strong interest in some "female" things as well such as shopping and fashion. Other hobbies I have are writing fiction and poetry.

    Also unlike most trans girls I never actually thought or applied the words "I am a girl" to myself, until I was 17. As a little kid I always felt not quite right as a "boy" but I definitely never though of myself as a girl, and if asked I would have said I was male without second thoughts. As I said though I did feel out of place as a boy, and while i did the stereotypically male things such as hanging out with other boys they never felt quite right. I always wished I had girls as friends instead (in fact I never had true/dependable friends until i was 17, but that's another story) so yeah I felt out of place as a boy, but never distinctly female. While I never though of myself as distinctly female, I very very frequently though "I wish I was a girl" and after puberty it became "I wish I was a girl/ I wish I was a lesbian" of course I was those things, but didn't know it yet. This thought frequently entered my mind, and i thought about how i wished i was a girl/a lesbian at least once a week, and when the thought came it was both pleasant to imagine, and painful because i wasn't. It would generally stay with me for a whole day or more, and be impossible to shake.

    Regarding physical dysphoria I always had some, but never a lot-- for example I have always hated photographs, because looking back and seeing a male body, a body that I have no connection with makes me cringe. It just hurts . . . but until I was 17 (literally the day I came out for the first time I never connected it with gender dysphoria. So I do have physical dysphoria, but it isn't the strongest thing out there. Like looking at my body doesn't cause me a full panic attack like some trans people, but it does cause discomfort, sometimes significant discomfort. Additionally I have always strongly admired/connected with/wished I had a female body. Like sometimes I wish I had a female body so badly i almost want to cry (I don't cry, just it hurts that bad not having a female body) Also unlike most trans people, I have never actually felt suicidal due to dysphoria. I've hurt like hell, but never contemplated suicide over it. (i've attempted suicide, bu it was for unrelated reasons)

    Also, when i play MMOs I always just tell people im a girl (never use voice chat) and it just feels so right/wonderful having people think im a cis female. I do this on other online places as well. I've always identified far more with girls in video games/fiction than with boys, and stuff . . . In RPGs I always play a girl character (with the exception of skyrim, but thats because a man makes more sense to me based on the lore of Elder Scrolls) Also when I right fiction, nearly 100% of the time my protagonist will be female.

    I first began to think about actually being lgbt about 2 years ago, when I made my first (and only) friends. These girls just happened to be lesbians and consequently it was more or less the first time being lgbt occurred to me as a possibility. And after about three months of friendship I began opening up to one of them, and she began encouraging me to be myself/explore my gender identity. And after about a month of talking to her, during which she both encouraged me, reassured me, and helped me explore my gender identity I realized I was transsexual and that evening I came out to her. (at this point i barely knew what transsexual was so I didn't actually use the word, but i started rambling about how i wished i were a girl, and it hurt so much not to be a girl, and i just really felt like a girl, and like my body was a trap. After this my friend said "Maya, I think your transgender" and it's like in that moment, with my limited understanding of the term, I knew she was right. At first I was afraid i was deluding myself/working on power of suggestion, but the longer ive identified that way, the more i come out, and socially meet people under the context if being female, the more right it feels . . . now i know a lot more about lgbt stuff and being trans than i did then, and deep in my heart I just know I am a girl . . .

    SO TO SUM UP

    Basically I only have moderate physical dysphoria, but a strong desire to have a female body. I have EXTREMELY INTENSE emotional dysphoria/a strong desire to be female. Most trans girls are wanting to wear dresses and play with dolls and stuff by the time their 5, but i never really did girl things as a kid. I never consciously knew i was a girl until i was 17, and it took help from a trusted friend to get there. I probably knew subconsciously though. I have some male interests, but I also have female interests. Living as a male hurts like hell, and i just so badly want to live as a girl. I've never felt precisely suicidal due to gender dysphoria, but I hurt like hell . . . I just want to live a female life so badly. . . i cry at the thought of how much people treating me like a boy hurts . . . i cringe when i here my "male name" and i hurt when i see a photo of myself. At the end of the day I simply know I am a girl and desperately want to transition . . .


    so my question is this . . .

    do you think I'm actually transsexual? Am I trans enough to transition? I want to transition with everything ive got, but im scared im not trans enough . . . i know im a girl, deep inside, but most trans girls realize that like at age 5, and i didn't until age 17. When I realized it was only with a lot of help, guidance, and support from a close friend . . . why I did it take me over a decade longer than most trans girls to realize i was a girl . . . I desperately want to transition, but i'm afraid i shouldn't, but at the same time the idea of not transition makes me want to cry . . .

    Do you think I'm actually transsexual? Do you think I'm trans enough to transition? I desperately want to transition, but should I?

    Note: If I do transition im going to go all the way--not just hormones, but HRT, SRS, Facial Feminization Surgery, legal gender/name change, vocal training etc.



    Also a question I have-- while id do it if i had to, id prefer to avoid breast augmentation, as that never looks natural in my opinion (im including cis women in that) through HrT is there a reasonable chance I would be able to achieve a reasonable bust size, without augmentation? My family tends to range between a large C and a double D if that means anything. Also, if this effects anything i plan to begin HrT before age 23. BTW my idea of a reasonable bust size starts at a B cup.


    In any case sorry for rambling so long, but id really appreciate you opinions about me transitioning.
     
  2. KayJay

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    It sounds to me like transitioning is something you may need to do to ease your pain. You can be trans and not have dysphoria even, so I wouldn't necessarily consider any sort of lack of certain types of dysphoria to dissuade you.

    I can definitely relate to a few of the things you brought up. I never really wanted to do stereotypically girlish things in my youth either, I felt weird/different but I never wanted to play with Dolls or were dresses, for example. It wasn't until I was 18 that I was fully sure I was trans, it wasn't until early 21/ early 22 that I started coming out. There is actually a thread I just discovered today about the topic of not feeling trans enough, it may be comforting to see other people's experiences and maybe see that some of what you are feeling is felt by others. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-gender-identity-expression/210938-not-trans-enough.html

    I can especially relate to telling people you're female while playing MMOs. I actually tested the coming out process on WoW, with a group I'd been playing with for years. My character's name was Kelsey so everyone already called me that anyways, funnily enough that is now my legal name too.

    There is really no way to tell how breast development will go. I was always hopeful as my mom and her mom were both on the larger side, needing reductions even. I only ended up with an A cup, definitely visible breasts but not quite what I was hoping. It's really something you can never know until it's happening, there could be a chance of getting the size you'd like but there may not. I do believe the earlier you start the better chance you'll have at getting the growth you're looking for, but I wouldn't use that as a reason to rush into transition. It's definitely something you need to take your time with, talk to your doctors, etc.

    I've been on HRT for about 3 years now, I'm always open to answering most questions on my wall if you have anymore you'd like to ask about it or just my experiences with transition in general.

    (*hug*)
     
  3. Eveline

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    It is fairly clear that you are binary trans and it is up to you to decide if you feel ready to transition. In general, identifying as female and suffering from some gender dysphoria should be enough for you to conclude that you are binary trans. Most trans women grew up in environments that encouraged them to love masculine activities and it is natural for us to graviate towards liking such activities because of the childhood connotations and influences.

    Most trans girls realize that something is wrong at 13 when they reach puberty and not at 5. Realizing that something is wrong does not mean they realized they are girls... in fact, this is much harder than you might think as the world tells you endlessly that you are male and you need to go against it and trust your instincts. Because of that trans women usually only realize fully later in life that they are trans and transition at the average age of 39. Trans men realize tend to transition earlier at around 24 because it is socially acceptable for women to wear men's clothes and take on more masculine hobbies and activities. (This is as a result of the feminist revolution and the fight for equal rights but sadly also partly because masculine gender expression is considered in a much more positive light in society than feminine expression.)

    (*hug*)
     
    #3 Eveline, May 4, 2016
    Last edited: May 4, 2016
  4. Christine

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    I feel like I am completely trans, dabbling in makeup, saying I'm a girl in a mmo game, shaving my legs, (in High school no less!) and I am wondering, should I transition even with walls and gaps in front of me?
    :help:
     
  5. LolliPopps

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    If you feel it is the right thing to transition and are stable with funding and housing etc you should do it! But be careful, if you're family are not ok with it you should wait a while until you have a stable job and can pay rent. But if they are happy I think it is a great idea for you to transition <3 :slight_smile:
     
  6. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    Oh my goodness dear. IMHO I believe that you are trans enough. But to be completely honest there is no such thing as being trans enough. Either you are trans or not. there is no "enough". I can relate to the fact of playing female characters in MMO's. I never knew until I had turned forty that trans was even a thing. I had a horrible childhood, and never realized that what I had thought and been told was severe depression that I had all my life was in fact dysphoria.

    From what I have been told about breast size is that it is a five year time period. It takes roughly five years in which to achieve full breast size. Now I have been on HRT for three years and they are still growing. I think that depending on genetics, depends on part of the size thingy. But as was mentioned before, don't just use that as an excuse to jump into HRT.

    But yes, dear? You are "Trans enough".
     
  7. Invidia

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    I think those recognizing things 100% at age 5 are the exception rather than the rule. It's just that it's them who get to be the stars of all the trans documentaries, which I hate for that reason. When I was little (around age 5), I had a general idea. But I'm just the kind of person who's rarely certain about anything, so I never declared myself this or that.

    I can relate a lot to what you say.
    There is only one thing you "should" do in this case - what makes you happy. If transitioning will soothe your soul and enrich your life, then that's a good idea, is it not?
     
  8. Irisviel

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    Well, I'm mtf and I spent 40 minutes today watching a video about flamethrowers on youtube, on a antique gun nerd channel... and then another half an hour about swords, on an equally in depth channel.

    I also am an avid knife user, I know how to maintain them... and I in general like survival and cool stuff that requires one to be "tough" (even though I'm not strong... just good with endurance I guess).

    Well, and? And I'm a trans woman who likes to listen about carbon monoxide killing people when they get in a flamethrowers range.


    If you worry about hobbies... my therapist told me it doesn't matter. It is more important to trust your gut, your intuition, your inner struggle; and it's true, because there are plenty tough, male-hobby-oriented cis women; why should trans women be any different?

    Oh, and I'm good with tinkering and conatruction. I can build furniture, and have fun with it... and I'm not a man because of that. I'm a girl with a screwdriver.

    Check out 'girl for all seasons' youtube channel, that's a transgender racer who loves cars more than most guys.

    And most importantly, focus on your own feelings, not on how you enjoy your free time :slight_smile: